I'm so fed up of this cycle 😞 ....

[Ceecee1983]

Hi,
I've stumbled across here so I can talk anonymously and feel no judgement. It's nice to get it all down and unload tbh.

I'm 39, work full time, very happily married and have daughters, 11 and 16. Lovely house and life yet this part of my life I can't seem to tackle for more than a few days before rewarding myself with the same thing that makes me feel the way I do. I drink cos im sad and im sad cos I drink. Annoying!!!

I first started drinking at home about 9 years ago. A bottle of wine would last the week and id enjoy it. Seems crazy to me it would last so long considering I only get 2 glasses out of a bottle now and it doesnt touch the sides. Im not proud of that. Im now doing a bottles a night, if not wine - half a bottle of vodka cos id somehow convinced myself it was better for me as it was less calories when in theory, I was drinking just the same.

I dont drink to get drunk and If the wine/vodka runs out - oh well, time for bed. I wont drink the other alcohol in the house etc. There's lots of stuff in the house I dont like, I wouldnt dream of drinking so I guess i have some level of control, not sure what that means exactly.

I dont drink in the mornings, never have unless we're at the airport. Midweek, I like a drink from 4ish until about 11pm. Weekends I can start earlier. I still so everything im meant to and I can afford to keep drinking this way, I just dont want to! I dont like what i see in the mirror as I've gained weight from drinking, not food. My diet is incredible but I'd happily skip a meal if it means I can have a large pinot instead. It's making me so sad but I always find myself with 2 bottles in my basket and im home, it's poured and I promise myself we go again whilst enabling myself with todays excuses. - Its been a tough day at work, the girls are being a pain, you need to relax, your husband is working late etc. I'm so done with my own bullshit!!

I've been to AA twice and it's not for me, i felt worse when I left after hearing everyone elses problems, im not into it! There's no way i'll go the doctors either, I need to do this alone or with a sponsor which i would love.

Can anyone point me in the right direction please? How do I get one without AA?

If you got this far, thank you - I appreciate it so very much

xx

They dont see me as an alcoholic. Im the mum who turns up, shows up, is there 24/7 and misses nothing.

Can you tell me what effect im having on them right now. I genuinely want to learn.

As Ive also stated above, yesterday was my 1st day sober. Im on day 2 today, Im making changes.

I also worry about you instantly going cold turkey - am sure I have heard that can be dangerous. Can anyone advise the OP on this?

I'm on day 2 sober free, plans are in motion and today I will not drink. I know where the path leads to if I dont stop which is why im here.

Just looked up secular AA - thank you, I'll jump in a meeting 100%. Didnt even know it existed online.

Thanks you for your words.

Good luck OP.
Most of us have bad habits we’d like to kick (mine is fizzy drink addiction), but I love it so much I can’t stop. The caffeine gets me through the day, the thought of not having that “crutch” makes life seem pretty bleak. And that’s “only” a fizzy drink addiction, I can’t begin to understand how much harder it is to cut back on alcohol.
I echo a poster who said about replacing drink with something else you love - mine is swimming, I get a huge kick out of seeing how many lengths I can manage in a week. I also drink other stuff out of fancy glasses that makes me feel like I’m taking part. Did you say your husband doesn’t really drink? Maybe you could use him as a role model, everyone accepts that he doesn’t drink without a problem? It would probably be even harder to kick this habit if he drank a lot too. Good luck and well done so far!!

Well done for recognising your addiction. It's a major step forward.

Whether you realise it or not your drinking will be having a significant negative impact on your girls. Even if they look like they are coping. Maybe focussing on their issues may help keep you away from the bottle. It's horrible sitting with a drunk parent at dinner every evening.

Hey,

Yes I have ready this too. I am on Day 2 AF and dont feel bad at all, just a bit tired.

I've also started taking a high dose of vit B complex, iron tablet, vit-D, tumeric and B12 injections.

Hopefully this will all help.

Ive got no shakes or anything, ive never had them.

Thank you so much and he's like you, loves cans of coke haha. It's a hard one to break for sure!

i'm going to get into pilates, there's a local class around the time i get cravings so giving it a go.

xx

Coping with what?? hahah

I'm not drunk at the dinner table or around them ever. I dont really get drunk. You've painted a completely different picture in your head as to what you think happens in my house instead of what actually happens.

You couldnt be further from the truth.

You are extremely brave OP to admit you have an issue with your drinking and aren't 100% happy with it.

I drank at the level you are now for 17 years. All my tests came back fine and I thought I was happy, healthy and functioning....basically I was 'FINE'...until I wasn't.

I went to AA and still go, there are lots of things I heartily dislike about it but it helped me get sober. I'm over 10 years sober now.

However in my experience AA only works if you are desperate and really serious about stopping drinking and it doesn't sound like you are there yet.

I hope you will get there before something bad or irreversible happens. I wish you all the very best.

@Ceecee1983 your drinking will be being picked up by your children. No doubt. The amount you’re drinking. Anyway it’s not to bash as it’s great you’re taking steps but I think you’re not being honest to yourself here. Drunk people always think others don’t notice, they do.

Well done on your sobriety, thats amazing and im so glad AA works for you but me not going doesnt mean im not desperate enough to quit and im glad about that. I've not hit rock bottom which is why im here now, before I eventually do.

x

Thank you for your reply but i cant stress this enough, Im not drunk. Its possibly the reason my husband hasnt seen my drinking as a huge issue yet. If i was drunk at the dinner table or slumped in a corner, etc etc (insert all drunk stereotypes here) then you can bet my husband would have something to say about it.

x

At the end of the day, Ive recognised I have an issue, ive put myself on the internet to be picked at in exchange for help and support and here I am.

Im trying my best and a change is happening.

Thank you for all replies.

It's making me so sad but I always find myself with 2 bottles in my basket and im home, it's poured and I promise myself we go again whilst enabling myself with todays excuses

I'm not quite clear on amounts but if you are drinking 2 bottles a day between 4pm and 11pm then that's a lot. One of the first things you do in rehab or pre rehab is keep an honest diary of the amount you are drinking. Might be an idea. Good luck OP.

Thank you for your reply but i cant stress this enough, Im not drunk after half a bottle of vodka? Come on OP!

I suggest that you get some high dose Thiamine (Vit B1) and take that for a while. It is lack of this vitamin that leads to cognitive problems in heavy drinkers. You need to take it now - don't wait to see if you start getting problems, as it won't cure them, but might prevent them from happening if they are going to.

Re withdrawal, I just stopped, and was drinking at a similar level to you at the end. I was fine, other than feeling a bit fluey at first, and it may have been that I was a bit fluey. I got night sweats, but I was menopausal, so who knows what caused those either. It could have been hormonal or it could have been withdrawal.

Some people do get dangerous side-effects though - anything from shakes to seizures - so maybe don't be on your own overnight for a couple of weeks, in case you need someone to get help? People's experiences seem to vary enormously, and not necessarily in relation to how much they drank. Plenty of people drink more than I did and don't get liver damage, and others drink less and get awful withdrawal symptoms.

Well done on your sober day! Now you know you can do it 😎

I don’t think you are being picked at but I accept that is how you must feel.

I also accept you are not drunk but you must have built up a very high tolerance if you can have a half bottle of vodka without feeling tipsy.

Im also curious how you feel no ill effects the next day and manage to get to work from 6-2! I say this as going from these boards your story is a very common one however people are usually fed up of the hangovers, fuzzy head, weight gain, anxiety etc

If MN is good at anything it’s a wake up call - people commenting here are mostly speaking from experience.

Well done on yesterday

Surely you know about tolerance build up? Ive drunk that amount for years! What's a lot to one person is not to another. One size does not fit all. I dont know you so I have no reason to lie. You think what you want!

Just ordered some from Amazon, thanks so much!

I'd normally be a couple of glasses in now and instead ive got my 10,000 steps in, cooked a healthy tea and had a nice bath. I feel good.

Congratulations on your sobriety too, amazing achievement xx

Hey!

Yes, I've 100% built up a high tolerance to both wine and vodka. When i say half a bottle too, I dont mean neat. I drink it in a tall glass with diet coke. It lasts ages!

If Im asleep by 11 and ive drunk water before bed, I obviously wake up a bit tired and a bit fuzzy but I work from home and I function strangely well, i guess my body has learnt to adapt to this routine. I'm very much fed up of the weight gain, this, although superficial, has been one of the reasons for the wanting to stop alongside the main ones, healthy, family etc.

No I understand some people are speaking from experience or wanting to qive me a virtual kick up the arse but questioning my mothering skills asking me thing about future damage to my children whilst im trying to stay sober free is a little harsh imo. I GET IT GUYS!!! It's why im here!

* GOOD MORNING *

Woke up feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed, feel good and slept well. 2 days in the bag, day 3 today and feeling strong. It's strange, i've had no cravings at all. Not sure if this is because I'm eating very well and feeding my body what it needs. Either way, im happy so far.

I've also cancelled my weekends plans and sold my tickets so I can be tempted or pushed into drinking.

Have a great day everyone xx

Well done. You’re doing so well!

Well done @Ceecee1983. Superstar

Amazing! Good for you!