Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

@Justcrackingon
I'm really not sure what the answer is
I asked the gp if there was anything I could do about my mother but was told no unless they were actively threatening to harm themselves or someone else

@Justcrackingon with my mum it really was live and let die. My Dsis and I struggled with it a lot. The things I learned from all the issues with my late husband really helped both of us and they'are all the standard things:

• Detach with love. You don't have to stop loving the person, but you have to put yourself first and protect yourself
• Support without enabling - so Dsis and I would not bring her booze when she asked, but we did get her help with her finances, ensured her carers were coming in and staying in contact with them, liaising with neighbours who were keeping an eye out (mum was in another country).
• Accept the person's right to make bad choices. We did this right up until the moment mum developed alcohol related dementia and no longer had capacity. At that point we moved to get her sectioned and that move went fast, but she died 4 days before it would have happened.

It's hard and painful no matter what.

The hardest part is that even if you wanted to do something, anything, then you can't. You can let her know that you are here for her whenever she wants to stop drinking, but you can't stop her.

One year I was a witness at my friends wedding after she had around 4 or 5 years of sobriety, she had her life back together, passed her driving test, then the poor girl relapsed.

With everything I've learned over a lot of years now, I couldn't save her. I could see her unravelling and told her when she wanted to go to an AA meeting I'd pick her up and take her.

She didn't make it, I was at her funeral last year. I know a lot of people where this awful illness has taken their lives, some it has taken their sanity. You are doing the right thing already in going to Al Anon but accepting you can't help her, unless she wants the help, is seriously hard.

Look after yourself, let her know you'll help her when she's ready and don't blame her or yourself for where she is now. I hate, I mean hate, what alcoholism does to good and decent people. And I hate what it does to those who love them.

Thanks everyone. I used to try and fix it the whole time and think I could control the situation but do know now that that's a total waste of my time and energy. Given that I don't see her, it's fairly impossible even for me to know what's going on (she has pissed off all her friends with her behaviour so just has an irritating co-dependent boyfriend now). I suppose I just need to know I did everything I could in case the worst happens. I did the 'intervention' thing (pointless), gave her all the numbers for services, AA etc. (she got in touch but isn't anymore), tried to get a psych evaluation (they had already done one in hospital so that was a no) and I call and text her every week or so (she only called me recently firstly to tell me she couldn't meet up (again)/then because she wanted money). It's so sad, she's a lovely person but our relationship is pretty much dead now. She doesn't even send my kids a birthday card. I feel desperately sad for her.

Am definitely getting better at looking after myself though. I've started having swimming lessons as a treat to myself. And tonight I'm heading out with a friend to stuff my face I used to feel terribly guilty if I did the slightest 'nice' thing for myself but I can't live my life like that.

Hello everyone - can someone please tell me a bit more about AlAnon meetings? Am I right that they're for the relatives of alcoholics? My Dad was a functioning alcoholic for as long as I can remember, then a non-functioning one, and then he died. It was difficult to grow up alongside. Thanks.

Hi @RavenousBugblatter I posted a few weeks ago on this thread about Al-Anon meetings. Hope it helps but ask away if you have any more questions:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4542593-what-actually-happens-at-an-al-anon-meeting

Hi @RavenousBugblatter , you may also want to look up the NACOA website (National Organisation for Children Of Alcoholics) - they should be able to provide some really tailored support for you.

@Justcrackingon well done on the self care activities! One of the things my group is very hot on is putting ourselves first, not the addicts in our lives. It's so easy to get completely sucked in, but you can't pour from an empty cup. And sometimes stepping away is the best thing for everyone, not just for us.

Thank you pointythings and Justcrackingon.

^^^^^^This^^^^^

Well I've had a fabulous weekend and I'm feeling much better
I've asked him not to call anymore and will be keeping contact to the absolute minimum
Hope everyone else is feeling ok this sunny Monday morning x

Great stuff, exactly what you should be doing. Keep it up and if you feel yourself weakening just let us know and we'll give you a slap with a nice cold wet fish. Metaphorically.

Another fine weekend. Hope everyone is ok?
I was just starting to feel a bit sad when I checked my photo memories and saw the picture of stbxh holding out 6mo at a pub lunch where he consumed a pint, a large glass of red and a double scotch then had to go to bed when we got home
Don't feel so bad now

@fedup078 ah, the photo stage. DDs still can't face photos of their dad even though there aren't any pint in hand ones. Because they can't access the memories of the time when he was a good dad and a good human being, their memories are all of the drunk times. We keep away from photos, other than the post-dad era.

And that only ever gets worse. I've blocked my ex as don't want to hear any more empty promises. He's now texted my son saying it is my attitude towards alcohol that split us up.

Yes I'm off like that I don't like drunks falling down, pulling down curtains, putting holes in plaster, looking at him flat out on the floor. I mean how utterly unreasonable of me.

My son hasn't answered it and neither will I. Keep strong xx

@Mememene it's always someone else's fault, isn't it? Funny how that works.

Hello everyone.

@Mememene your attitude being the problem sounds like the kind of thing my partner would say. Glad you're being strong.

@fedup078 I have been having waves of sadness too- and then usually my rational brain reminds me of the awful behaviour and I realise I really need to stay strong.

Do you guys also feel like now you have some distance, you realise how much you were having to put up with/ make excuses for, for so long?

I feel very sad realising how low my expectations have been throughout my relationship and how desperately I've been trying to make things work for ages- and it just hasn't. He'd give me crumbs of promises about the future and changing and I was so desperate for things to work out, I'd believe him.

That's been me from late 20s to mid 30s now- and god knows how long actually separating will take, given how he won't talk to me or respond to messages. Sorry, I'm feeling a bit woe is me wondering if I will ever have a healthy relationship and if I will be able to ever have children.

Addiction is so fucking awful.

@Cyberworrier I had my kids before my husband became dependent on alcohol, but with hindsight I do see what I put up with and for far too long - and therefore what I allowed my DDs to go through. Hindsight is always 20/20 but realistically I knew what he was 2 years before I actually did anything about it. I can't go back and change that. I've apologised to my DDs and they get it - we were all suffering from boiled frog syndrome - but it's something I'm going to have to live with.

It's taken me so much longer than I thought but the longer the distance between us the more the shite has been removed from my eyes. I have been heartbroken and devastated for the last couple of months even though I can go back to him at any time I want to.

For the first two and half years he was the ideal man, we were soul mates and I couldn't have asked for better. BUT we moved in together at the start of lockdown and the pubs were shut. When they opened I got cancer and he was there every step.

The minute that was over he was in the pub 2-3 nights a week telling me he shouldn't have to suffer for my alcoholism (been sober for years now) but I can't spend 2-3 nights a week with his alcoholic friends. I did try for a couple of hours but had to leave as was in danger of relapsing and that simply cannot happen.

It blew up when his son asked him to take his half drunk 14 year step daughter out for a drink on his own, her own mother and step father had already bought her 3 ciders, and my ex turned on me when I said it was madness (and illegal to by 14 year olds alcohol in pubs) I thought the parents were mad for asking and he was insane for agreeing. Social services are already involved I believe. It didnt happen and I was blamed.

I packed my stuff from his place and went back home that night.

The longer the period of time I am away from him the more of my head and rational thinking takes over. It has taken a long time to get control of my emotional side.

I've been hurt, upset, heart broken and wanting back the first two and half years which were wonderful. I've reached the point now where I don't want him back and have managed to block him.

He says he loves me and wants me back but I have to accept that all men get drunk fall down and break stuff, both in the house and injuring himself. So I know that will be my life going forward and I'm not going to have that.

I have to be honest, it's been really tough and without some good friends and keeping busy I may well have gone back to him but it wouldn't have worked.

That's a long way of saying that yes the distance has helped enormously but it has taken a lot of strength to stay away.

I am on both sides here Cyber and one of the problems with alcoholism is that is creeps up, gets gradually worse, the alcoholic lies and covers up their drinking. And most people don't bail at the first sign of trouble, we stay and try to make it work.

You know that you did your best to keep your family together and he could have gone for help at any point but he wasn't ready. And if he doesn't want it then nothing will work. The ending was the one he and his alcoholism chose not you, you just worked the cards you were dealt.

@Mememene I hope you realise how incredibly valuable your insights from both sides of the divide are on here. Kudos to you for realising your recovery was at risk and walking away.

Addiction destroys EVERYTHING in its path. Walk away and enjoy the rest of your life. For anyone thinking of leaving an addict, close your eyes and imagine your life without the chaos, abuse, heartache etc. It's the hardest thing you'll probably ever do and it'll be hell. BUT, you will get through it and there'll come a time when you'll breathe again and be happy❤❤

I am so grateful to have my life back after alcoholism and now cancer. I can honestly say, with my hand on my heart, that beating alcoholism was far far harder than beating cancer. Honestly.

If I lose my recovery there is a good chance I'll end up in hospital, with brain damage or in a graveyard. I've seen that happen to too many good people who have relapsed and I don't intend to be one of them.

I also know that the addiction of alcoholism is very strong and it's not about how little they love their families, it's such a strong addiction, even when the addict desperately wants to stop, they often can't.

Thanks for your kind words, but it's hurt like hell staying away from my ex, but not half as much as my son would hurt if he ever saw a drink in his mum's hand again after these years of being sober xxx

I had a brilliant weekend then passed him on the motorway coming home and it knocked me a bit . Small bloody world

I think to put the shit I put up with over the years into perspective I think about how I would react if someone else I knew had acted the same way he did, someone who didn't have a drink problem. I'd be absolutely mortified , shocked and disgusted. You become somewhat normalised to it when its happening regularly and you make up all the excuses under the sun for them . Just hoping they will see sense one day.

It's all so shit.

I don't want to jump into another relationship but I'm feeling pretty low knowing I'm on my own when he isn't now . I know thats something I need to work on for myself though

fedup078

It is known that when there is a gradual build up of bad behaviour the abnormal becomes normal. It's said often in discussions around alcoholism but when I've heard it, it is talking about the alcoholics behaviour, it is no wonder the family do the same thing.

The drink problem is not an excuse, it is not justification for his behaviour, it may be why he behaves like a shit when he's got drink in him but he's chosing not to get help.

I know it is an illness but it is one where you can seek treatment, I know people, many many people living great lives today because they admitted they had a problem and went for help. Most don't.

If it is any consolation, although he may be on his best behaviour now, as he was with you in the early days, it won't last. Your nightmare has come to and end, hard as it is right now. Hers is just beginning if she choses to stay when the best behaviour drops.

Trust me I get it, I'm just coming out of the other side of my heart having a good old run in with my head.

This is where I came unstuck, the lockdown and cancer had my ex on his best behaviour, he was amazing, I worshipped the ground he walked on and have been devasted but the facade dropped. I adored that man, but I wouldn't have him back now.

Be grateful though that you found out now because you would have a lifetime of his shitty behaviour and it only get worse if he doesn't try to get off the bottle.

I've also since found out that the falling down drunk was a feature in the breakup of his marriage 20 years ago! He tells me he won't change, and he won't. Yours won't either.