Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

The thing is that if he doesn't want to put in the work and permanently stop drinking, you're on a hiding to nowhere. In a sense you have it so much harder because you get to see sober him regularly- and that's the torture of hope. It's easier when they drink all the time, it gives you the strength to leave.

@pointythings you're absolutely right! It would be 100% easier if he were in a permanent state of relapse. When he stops and is a physical wreck - shaking, vomiting, unable to sleep - it's hard to say Right I'm divorcing you now. The cowardly part of me is thinking his body surely can't take much more of this abuse and if I wait it out I will end up on my own without all the upheaval of divorce. I also worry about the burden of caring for him falling to the kids.

'The burden of caring for him' isn't yours and certainly shouldn't be your children's. He has made his choices and they are destroying him but don't let him take you all down with him.

Hi all. I have been in this forum on and off and still with my DH, although constantly thinking about separating. Today, he was home not working and as usual started drinking as soon as he woke up. I was at work and came home at the end of the day to be greeted with a grumpy mood. Annoyed about something that happened today that I would consider a small matter but clearly not to him. Anyhow, the thing that has been really stressing me lately is what I think could be considered as gaslighting. He is really the aggressive one in this relationship. But if I was to challenge his behaviour and outbursts, I become the unreasonable one. The one who doesn’t understand him. He makes me feel like I am never ever supposed to disagree with him, and turns around and tells me and the kids stuff like “I am scared of alll of you”, “you are the ones always telling me off”. Genuinely, this is not what is happening. I am just trying to protect my kids and I when his behaviour is getting so unacceptable. Sorry I am not really explaining this well at all, but feels like a really strange behaviour. Does that make sense? Have you see this in other alcoholics? Could there be a reason beyond alcoholism why he is doing this???

@MonaRosa He is grumpy, aggressive and unreasonable because he has been drinking all day. His alcoholism makes him unable to think straight and he is defensive because he needs to keep drinking and you are all getting in the way of that. You don't need to go looking for other reasons/excuses/things to blame, although if you ask him he will come up with lots. There is no reasoning with a drunk and you are wasting your breath trying to argue with him when he has been drinking all day. Best to stop engaging really and carry on with your plans to separate. You and your kids really shouldn't continue to live with an aggressive alcoholic.

Sorry if my advice to everyone seems to be the same. I am well aware 'get out' is easier said than done. But when I did finally manage it, life changed so much for the better. My kids felt safe and could bring their friends home. I could come home from work without that awful feeling of dread knotting in my stomach. There were still massive challenges and lots of grief and anger, but I could breathe again. I got my life back.

”that awful feeling of dread knotting in my stomach”…you have put it so well into words. That’s how I feel each time I come back home and right now 😔

I think I am scared of all the things that follows the separation. I know it can’t continue like this, but the divorce proceedings, what happens to the house, whether I can manage financially on my own…I know I have to find the strength to do it but I am dreading what is to come as much dreading what we live through every day now

The trouble is that as he gets worse (and he will) so will your joint financial situation - job loss, borrowing money for drink, lawyer bills for criminal charges (drink driving etc). Yes, separation can seem utterly impossible, particularly in the early hours of the morning, but your kids really shouldn't be subjected to an aggressive adult in their own home. And the big difference is that if you stay, your lives will continue to be a daily hell. If you leave, you might have financial challenges, but you'll rediscover joy.

I hope it's ok to join. I've watched the thread for a while and a lot of what is said resonates with me. The comment from pointythings a few posts back rings true and I realise that's where I am, it's a roller-coaster. My husband is in a cycle at the moment of about 2 weeks drinking then a couple of weeks off. He's not wanting to get help with the situation. He's like 2 different people though and I'm so angry/frustrated with him and the impact he has on us all when he drinks but then i feel the hopeful when he doesn't drink. But it never lasts, I'm just fooling myself when I feel hope.

@Nevertoomanyfluffies welcome. I hope this thread gives you some strength and some clarity so that you can start thinking about what you want your life to look and how you're going to get there. We don't do pressure, only support. We all know from personal experience that it isn't easy to LTB.

@MonaRosa , I’d suggest you read ‘why does he do that’. By Lundy Bancroft. It is not a comfortable read, but it may help you discover if there is something more than just the alcohol. I hope that there isn’t 🌹, but I found it very helpful to come to terms with my situation.

I was able to leave (or more to the point get him out of the house) because he crossed a line and I could take legal steps. It’s been the worst few months I could imagine from my emotional point of view, but I am now calm and back in control of my life. When others describe the roller coaster, the egg shells and that horrible realisation that he (they) are drinking again I don’t miss that at all.
Engage your support network, the chances are they know more than you think they do and they will hold you up when all you want to do is fall
Hugs and empathy x

I can really relate to the dreaded stomach knotting. My DH has been working shifts but the same pattern every week and I can't tell you how enjoyable the days are when he is on lates, leaving for work about 2.30pm and not coming back till around 10pm. The days he's been on earlies or even worse his days off have been me sneaking around, watching him like a hawk for the slightest sign.

The gaslighting that goes on too when he has another relapse. I literally only have to look at him to know he's been drinking but he denies and denies it. The other week I actually started looking at buying a hidden camera just so I could catch him at it and put an end to his lies!

Now he is in the middle of a massive relapse all the stomach knots have gone as I know just what to expect when I walk through the door. I think it's those first few days of a relapse when you know what's going on (despite them denying it) and think there's a chance of them pulling back from it without too much damage that are the worst. I have just been googling quickie divorces. There seems to be a market for them. I might do some more exploring.

@Anjelika The trouble with filming or holding up the empty bottles or any other attempts to show an alcoholic the evidence that they've been drinking is that it won't change anything. You know he is lying but he is lying to himself as much as to you and nothing you say or show him is going to penetrate that denial. I remember my Dh standing with a vodka bottle tucked in his trousers, denying he'd been drinking and all arguing with him did was increase my distress and make me think I was going crazy. It didn't change his behaviour in the slightest. You know exactly what's he's doing, so make all your decisions based on that knowledge -not on his drunken promises, lies and denials.

@Nevertoomanyfluffies welcome and I too hope this thread helps. At least you know you are very far from alone!

What @CharlotteByrde said. The first person alcoholics lie to is themselves. Mine resorted to lying the moment he relapsed - the empty vodka bottle was right there in his backpack when I came back after a night away with the DC. I knew he'd been drinking anyway, he had that glassy eyed look and the voice, but as I walked in I kicked his backpack in passing and heard the clink.

They aren't good liars, but they have to do it because admitting the truth means accepting they have a problem. All you can do is make decisions based on your knowledge and on what is best for you and any DC you have.

It’s interesting how vodka is an ongoing theme here. Mine has even in the past hidden a bottle in the hedge outside our house on his way back from the shop as he thought I would search him.

It makes me laugh when people say vodka has no smell! They should try waking in the middle of the night next to someone who’s drunk half a bottle of the vile stuff!

I’m in a place of peace right now as all the lies and sneaking around are done with now he’s in a full blown relapse. For me that really is the worst part. The hoping that you’ve somehow got it wrong even though you know you haven’t. The lies and gaslighting. The pleading and trying to reason with them the next day, the vain hope they might nip it in the bud. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and be free of him.

I am finding the post about the husband drunk on holiday upsetting to read. So many replies telling her to lighten up, when she is clearly married to a raging alcoholic.

I agree - people have weird ideas about what makes an alcoholic. But if you scored him by proxy on the AUDIT questionnaire, he'd meet threshold.

It's a hard read. I hope she leaves him.

Mine drank whatever he could get that was cheapest - usually vodka, but also cheap rum and cheap whisky.

The stale alcohol sweat is always the same, no matter what it is they've ben necking.

I hope that you will find the strength to work through the hard graft of leaving him so you can have permanent peace of mind.

I notice the lying increases dramatically in the run up to a relapse. It’s how I knew the last one was coming.

The biggest red flag was that his first wife left him because of his drinking!

@Anjelika exactly. Bit of a pattern there....maybe she was 'controlling' too.

Mine only starts lying once he's taken that first drink. He can't get it into his thick head that I literally know INSTANTLY that he's had a drink. His whole demeanour changes - mannerisms, the way he speaks and interestingly his breathing which becomes really audible. We then have to go through a good few days of this gaslighting and lying until he either gets so pissed that he instantly realises the next day the game is up or I catch him in the act. I am so so tired of this life.

@CharlotteByrde the woman needs to run for the hills right now. We all know it ain't going to get better anytime soon.