Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

[Cyberworrier]

Ps- if you've threatened he will have to leave, and then let him stay, he basically isn't taking anything you say seriously now. If you have a boundary, you need to stick to it.

By the way, my husband had experienced trauma, appalling domestic violence which effectively disabled his poor mum. However, trauma is not a licence to behave however you like and be a rubbish partner and father. My husband also refused to get therapy, even when the GP said he was on the verge of psychosis. And I was told he probably wouldn't get sectioned if they tried as he could come across as normal for short periods.

You have also suffered horribly, I imagine, through his drinking, and I seriously doubt you've behaved appallingly as a result.

[YodaBabe]

@Cyberworrier

His dad was a heavy drinker and one of his brothers is, so the family are aware that it 'runs' in the family.
I'm pretty sure that most people know he drinks heavily but the bed wetting isn't something I would say out loud.

He presumes he's ok as he holds down a job quite successfully but our home life is failing apart.

I've sent him a text at 3am explaining I don't want to talk about it on holiday but when we're home either he changes or our home life will.

It's the kids 12&16 I worry about I just want them to have a wonderful childhood, I didn't, but for them I want more than a dad who drinks excessively and a mom who is unhappy.

I'd rather struggle and be single, I know single moms struggle and am not making light of this, but I'm just sad that 25 years I poured into this relationship and he's just doing what he wants and disregarding 'us' for his own needs.

The family trauma is quite outing but was brutal and shocking, I understand he is struggling still 12 years on but we seem to be going backwards not forward.

He won't consider counselling as that's weak but the sadness in our home is just poisonous.

[pointythings]

@YodaBabe you know what you need to do, you just need to find the strength to do it. Don't beat yourself up, it took me almost 7 years - I wanted to 'keep the family together'. My DDs were teens too - 14 and 16 when I finally put my foot down and gave him the ultimatum.

Ultimatums are great, but only if you keep them. And they're for you, not for the alcoholic - they're about telling the alcoholic that if they don't deal with their issue, you will leave. You have to mean it and you have to do it.

Your DC will thank you for ending the marriage and getting them out of there. Neither of them are likely to be forced to have contact with their dad if they do not want it at their ages. And yes, financially it is increadibly tough but it is so much better than wet beds (Mine did that too).

My advice would be to seek help for yourself from Al-Anon or Smart Recovery Friends and Family because it will help you find those boundaries, detach from him in a humane way and help you handle the guilt. Also start getting your ducks in a row. Make your move when you are ready, keep posting on this thread.

[ForAFriend123]

Can I join please?
My story is depressingly similar and just feels like a constant ground hog day.

DH who admittedly has a very stressful job drinks a bottle of red wine at home practically EVERY night. Has crept up over the years and has been at this level for at least 3 years.
It's clearly a habit/crutch; says it's how he needs to destress from work.

Think he is what you would call a "high functioning"'alcoholic and has a high tolerance level. He doesn't appear drunk but is different.
Always the same, comes in opens the bottle, empties it within the hour, is animated for about half an hour, takes himsellf off to watch shite on his phone and then falls asleep/passes out
Sleeps poorly (disturbing me), wakes up shattered, off to work and repeat....

The denial is staggering. He acknowledges he drinks a lot but DEFINITELY NOT an alcoholic. To him that label is reserved for the likes of his grandfather who drank 12 cans of Special Brew a day and hit ihis wfie 🙄.

His drinking has been totally normalised around DC (15 and 17) and I am viewed as the bad guy if i get cross.

Bored of the threats, the resentment, the worry but am too scared to leave. We've been together 30 years and I can't imagine any other life. I also think DC would never forgive me for divorcing him.
I have found a support group which I am going to join. Am hoping I may hear similar stories and help me to see a path.

Sorry for the saga

[ForAFriend123]

@pointythings

@YodaBabe you know what you need to do, you just need to find the strength to do it. Don't beat yourself up, it took me almost 7 years - I wanted to 'keep the family together'. My DDs were teens too - 14 and 16 when I finally put my foot down and gave him the ultimatum.

Ultimatums are great, but only if you keep them. And they're for you, not for the alcoholic - they're about telling the alcoholic that if they don't deal with their issue, you will leave. You have to mean it and you have to do it.

Your DC will thank you for ending the marriage and getting them out of there. Neither of them are likely to be forced to have contact with their dad if they do not want it at their ages. And yes, financially it is increadibly tough but it is so much better than wet beds (Mine did that too).

My advice would be to seek help for yourself from Al-Anon or Smart Recovery Friends and Family because it will help you find those boundaries, detach from him in a humane way and help you handle the guilt. Also start getting your ducks in a row. Make your move when you are ready, keep posting on this thread.

Sorry, have just read your thread @pointythings
Spookily similar to my story

[pointythings]

@ForAFriend123 you've been able to find my thread? Since the 'upgrade' I can't find it anywhere. I'm so sorry you're going through similar.

[ForAFriend123]

Sorry, not your thread, meant post.
Would love to have a read though if you have another thread

[ForAFriend123]

Found it! Sorry don't know how to link but I just did a username search

[pointythings]

I have two threads detailing the whole story and I do sometimes wish I could link to them because my thought processes are in there, which could be useful for others in the same boat.

I've just found them by Googling my username with Mumsnet on the end - which isn't great but at least I know they're there.

Thread 1

thread 2

[fedup078]

How's everyone doing?
He's still on his jolly holiday with her
I've just been reading about grey rocking

Absolutely will not be accepting any phone calls from him in the future

He's gets no reaction / emotions from me going forward and he knows nothing about what goes on in my life and I will not give him the opportunity to tell me about his

I've blocked him on SM and removed all of his friends and family

[pointythings]

@fedup078that's the best strategy. No headspace for him. Your life and your future are the priority now.

[Cyberworrier]

Hi Fed Up, good for you grey rock-ing.
How are you doing otherwise?

My husband I think is away on another holiday with his girlfriend as he said he couldn't talk as he's abroad. I am a bit worried he's going to go so AWOL it'll be difficult to sort selling the house and getting a divorce. Really want to get some of that stuff planned and moving now.

Bit worried about the financial agreement for the divorce as he was just made redundant, but he should easily get another job, he's a high earner and likes money. Not sure if anyone ever gets divorced without the financial agreement/consent order? Is that insane? (I know legal advice says it is)

I'm good apart from all that, so much happier just with the dog and without the alcohol smelling, grumpy, unpredictable and cruel man.

[fedup078]

@Cyberworrier
I still just can't believe he did it
None of it makes any sense
I'm angry with myself for letting it happen and I'm determined to block him out of my life from now on

[Cyberworrier]

Please don't be angry with yourself. You trusted him and he betrayed your trust, that's on him not you.
Although I'm with you on the moving onwards and upwards and away from him. Just please don't blame yourself for him and his behaviour, you didn't cause it etc.

[fedup078]

God sorry me again
He can't of changed can he?
You don't go from drinking in the mornings to moderating and drinking sensibly do you?
He is going to fuck up again isn't he?
Some other woman hasn't magically managed to change him ?

[fedup078]

I know you've answered all these before and been very helpful
I just can't help imagining the great time someone else is having with my now sober husband who put me through hell for years. I was in a really bad place when I met him and had no dc so I just can't imagine someone with a small child to protect would be with him if he showed any of the behaviour he did with me . No one else would put up with a fraction of what I put up with from the start

I'm giving the dating apps another go. If nothing else it is a distraction

[pointythings]

He can't of changed can he?
Nope

You don't go from drinking in the mornings to moderating and drinking sensibly do you?
Not without therapy and professional support, no

He is going to fuck up again isn't he?
Absolutely. As soon as life throws him some adversity

Some other woman hasn't magically managed to change him ?
Nope, it's a facade. He's on his best behaviour. It won't last.

In the kindest way possible I am handing you a grip. It is made of whatever substance you like to eat most. And has zero calories.

[fedup078]

I know I know
I just seem to have totally lost the ability to see him for what he is which kept me in check for the last 1.5 years
He kept saying that I was only interested again as he was with someone else and to a degree that is true but not for the reasons he thinks .
Although in his own exact words she is 'thick as shit' so maybe she's easily deceived 🤷‍♀️

[Cyberworrier]

That's how he described her to you? What a horrible way to describe someone he was seeing. Regardless of if he meant it or he was saying it for effect.

He won't have changed. As said below, he'll just be on his best behaviour and presenting a front.

As soon as any stress hits, he'll find it hard to keep up the act.

And my god, if he could just magically change, what an absolutely monumental prick he'd be to do it for some random girlfriend he's rude about when he couldn't be arsed to do it for his marriage/family. But you know he won't have been able to magically change. It's just hidden.

It's hard to get our heads round what absolutely masterful deceivers alcoholics are when we are not like that ourselves.

[pointythings]

@fedup078 he's verbally lashing out at you. He knows you well, he knows what will hurt you.

What he said about his new gf should be a huge validation of your choices - this is him, this is how he feels about women.

[fedup078]

You know what I hadn't thought about it before but I've just tried to imagine saying that about someone I loved when in the honeymoon period who hadn't yet done something monumentally shit and I can't.

Also if he loved her as he says then he wouldn't have risked it all dumping her for one day

I still think this is all down to choosing the drink over me knowing he wouldn't be able to if we got back together

[ForAFriend123]

I've put some clarity to how I feel about DH's drinking and made some short bullet points. Hope you dont mind me jotting my thoughts down here and in no particular order

• I don't drink much but I can't leave any of my favourite wine accessible or in the fridge. I have to hide it and either forget where I put it or have to drink it warm!
  
  
• hate that I can't have any alcohol available for friends just in case they pop round. It would all get necked whether he liked it or not
  
  
• he takes himself off with wine to bed before falling asleep passing out
  
  
• has totally normalised heavy drinking around DC. DS (17) already drinks and is known to steal alcohol from the house.
  
  
• he stinks of ketones at night and is really restless. Obviously this disturbs me.
  
  
• I'm a crap wife for not understanding how stressful his "super important" job is and I should be more supportive.
  
  
• embarrasses me in front of old freinds when he's had a skinful.
  
  Doesn't look great written down does it

[fedup078]

@ForAFriend123 mine used to buy me gin etc for birthdays and so on and then drink it himself, straight
A friend dared to leave a bottle of fruity vodka here once and it was gone before I even noticed she'd left it 🙄

[fedup078]

Feeling pretty angry with myself tonight
Can not believe I lowered myself to sleep with him again etc
Absolutely does not deserve me
And I failed in my grey rocking as he failed in his low contact
Rang me repeatedly this morning for a trivial none-issue and stupid me thought it must be urgent and rang him back and we ended up in another slanging match

[pointythings]

@fedup078 on average it takes an abused woman 35 attempts to leave. You've only just started, and his alcohol addict behaviour puts him in the same bracket. You're probably got some trauma bonding going on as well. Be kind to yourself, contact Al-Anon or Smart Friends and Family and work on your detachment. It takes time. I made myself far too available to mine in terms of supporting him too, and it took time for that to wear off. I didn't really detach properly until he really let me down when DD1 was in hospital and I couldn't get hold of him to let him know.