Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

Hi everyone.

I'm having a hard time this week- because my partner is actually being reasonable and resembling the man I fell in love with. He's found a flat to move out to and is going to continue to pay the mortgage, for a while at least, touch wood (I can't afford it on my salary and need to live in our area for work, can't rent so easily with our pets etc). We will have to sell eventually though.

He was caring and worried about me when we spoke- but smelt like alcohol. It's just such a cruel cruel disease. In a way it's been easier when he's been an outright arse hole, seeing him be gentle and more his old self has made me so upset.

Sorry for outburst just wanted to share with people who would understand.

Hope you're all having better weeks.

@Cyberworrier I totally get where you're coming from. We all have those times when our loved ones aren't drinking or are behaving better and we catch glimpses of the person they used to be - but unless they are actively working on their recovery it never lasts.

But if you were to make a list of reasons to leave and reasons to stay in the current situation, the reasons to leave list would dwarf the other one.

Having a wobble again
Been ok for weeks but now he seems to have forgotten the no phone calls rule and has just picked the last of his stuff up from my garage
Think he wanted to come in the house but I'm wfh and I didn't think it was a good idea. He was quite upset and so am I
I really don't want to date at the moment but I'm thinking maybe I should start seeing someone else to stop these wobbles which I know are only happening because I'm alone

You did brilliantly well to be so strong, I'm not surprised he was upset not that it drained you emotionally. So often we see advice on here to "just dump him" or "get rid" which is often sound advice but we have our emotions messing with our heads and it's not that easy.

My ex who wanted a 7 week break so his son could stay with him, his son's nearly 40 and not allowed in his home. No one knows the full story but he's abusive to a number of women. He's been on abusive partners courses and DV courses. I won't be in the same room as him since he asked my ex to take out his step daughter aged 14 who was already half cut and take her out to a pub drinking. I left that night as the ex agreed.

Now the abusive son is on holiday and the ex invited me around for a talk and a meal. I stayed strong and refused to be slotted in around his son's holidays. I was then told I was crazy and i was a little blunt in my refusal.

The question of when to start dating again is hard. We do need to heal but while I may date, there's no way I'll get into another serious relationship for a long time. I'm just not ready to face any more pain for a while.

@fedup078 I don't think dating again is the answer. I think your 'wobbles' are about you not yet feeling secure about not being in a relationship, and the way to deal with that is to learn to be emotionally self sufficient, to really like yourself and to really believe that you only deserve good relationships. Give yourself time, it's hardly been five minutes!

How are you doing now @fedup078? Sounds tough him collecting his stuff. Can you not try to make yourself busy emotionally and literally, with hobbies/friends/other interests, rather than rushing into dating?

I may be just speaking from my own perspective but I am worried I will be quite vulnerable dating for a while and sort of want to feel a bit more together before I open myself up to anyone again.

Sorry for my late reply and thank you for your advice @pointythings it completely makes sense.

So my update is that I moved back into my house, husband into a flat. I was feeling all sad as per my last post, because he'd been nice and I'd seen a shadow of the man I loved. And whilst tidying up the absolute mess that is his study, I found a receipt for expensive lingerie from a couple of weeks ago and a receipt for duty free Baileys and Whisky. So basically, he's been buying someone lingerie and the trip he went on recently that he told me was with mates from work was clearly with a woman (he would never drink Baileys). I am absolutely shocked that all this time I've been caring for him and trying to make things work despite his obvious multiple problems, he's been cheating on me.

@Cyberworrier I am so sorry that your husband has such feet of clay. Having ended the relationship doesn't make it hurt any less.

I just hope this revelation is something you can use every time you have a wobble - and if you find your anger, so much the better. People think anger is somehow bad - it isn't, it can really cleanse us of toxic relationships and spur us into making our lives better. And if we are good people - which most of us are - then we will find the right moment to let go of it and move on.

Well you would not believe the week I've had
I stupidly let my guard down and after a week of toing and froing I stupidly thought we might have a chance of making it work
So he dumps his gf on Wednesday and comes straight to mine , stays over, relentlessly tells me he loves me and talks about the future etc etc etc
We make loads of plans and he's still talking like we are together at lunch time and at 3pm he dumps me in the most horrible way
I'm absolutely shell shocked
The only reason I can think of is that he still has a major drink issue, knows he can't hide it from me and knows I would just end it again once I found out
I've blocked him on everything and communication re dc will have to go through his mother now
Roll on December when I can get this divorce through

And just to add insult to injury it was our wedding anniversary

It's so hard when you think that you have a chance of getting the good times back. Don't beat yourself up, lesson learned, on with the divorce. There will be better times ahead.

I know this must really hurt, but it's probably done you a back handed favour. If like me you spend time on the "what if" it could work, you can put that the rest now.

It may help you to move on. Finally cutting those ties is hard and it's painful.

@fedup078 I'm sorry, that sounds horrible, what a rollercoaster. I agree with meme and pointy it may in the long run help you to move on.
As you said, he still has a major drink problem. Life would always be chaotic and you would never come first while that's still the case. I am sorry.

Separating is so difficult and I'm so worried about the logistics of divorce, but I can now see that my husband cheating is actually for the best- in that I no longer am deluding myself that we can make it work despite his alcoholism and mental health issues. I guess it's a sort of rock bottom? And since knowing that, I feel more peaceful in myself and relieved I don't have a future full of stress and anxiety caused by all his crap, even if it's uncertain in other ways, at least I will have some control over my own future.

I hope you're doing ok.

How is everyone?

What's killing me is thinking maybe he has changed and has sorted himself out for someone else when he couldn't / wouldn't do it for me

And he's jetting off to America with her today . I can't believe she just took him back so easily too
My son is constantly talking about her and her daughter its tearing me apart
At Xmas they will all be together as a happy little family while I'll be in my own

My ex started seeing someone a few months after we split. Told me he didn't need to drink now as she understood him! It was all bollocks. That split up not long after and he was drinking again.

He's not drinking / taking painkillers now but tbh I'm pretty sure that's because he's not working and he lives in his mums spare room so he has no responsibilities or requirements of him which he just couldn't cope with.

Still wouldn't want him back though as the underlying issues are still there - you can see his short tolerance for things.

I really really doubt he has managed to change without having had professional help.

I imagine it's more likely that the new woman doesn't yet realise the seriousness of his drinking problem and possibly naively thinks he "just likes a drink".
(This is what I'm thinking about my husbands new girlfriend).

Remember how good at lying and manipulating he is (assuming he fits the type of most alcoholics).

It must be really painful the thought of Christmas without your son, but be under no illusion that it'll be a happy family Christmas there. They're not a family, your ex has a serious drinking problem- and in the long run your son will be very glad that you separated, for your own sake and also his own, so that he is not living with an alcoholic 100% of the time.
How old is your son?

It is completely natural to be heartbroken and devastated after what your ex has put you through. But I hope it helps to check the facts and remember that he is the one with problems and issues and these will be moving on with him, while you can rebuild your life as a healthy normal (although hurt) human being.

Sending a hug.

@fedup078 your ex is currently full of lovely delusional rose tinted glasses love. That doesn't last. When real life starts to bit again he will revert to type and his new partner will end up where you were.

Alcoholics love to blame their partners for their drinking. Mine did it too. They do it because it has to be someone else's fault - if not, they would have to accept responsibility.

Thank you for this post. I divorced my husband in 2004 because of his drinking. I'm ok - our daughters have turned into strong independent young ladies and that's down to me and I'm proud of the job I did raising them alone. But some eighteen years later the anger in me still boils up! Being treated like a fucking idiot being told it's what all men do and I should stop nagging. Even his mom said he drank because of me. Yeah whatever. I'm now calm, accepting (most of the time) if the end of my marriage but still can't understand how we got to this.

@Fancydancer1934 when I told my mum I was divorcing him, she suggested that if I was nicer to him, maybe he wouldn't drink so much. And she told me that my Dsis had been really nice to her alcoholic partner and that was why he was now sober.

So I asked my Dsis what she had done and she said she had basically told him that he could either shape up or end up dead in a ditch and she'd arrange the funeral, but she was done with it. I wouldn't call that 'really nice'. Glad it worked for her though...

Mums often have a skewed idea of what women 'ought' to put up with. Not passing that one on to my own DDs!

I can identify with this. My mom was more ashamed of her daughter's divorce than her SILs alcoholism. I don't think she ever accepted it. Hey ho.

Can I join?

Currently wide awake as I've had to change and wash sheets as DH has gotten so drunk he's peed the bed for the 3rd time in a week :(

We're on holiday and he just seems like it's his right to be drunk all the time. The kids have started to tell him to his face he needs to sober up but he listens for a day and he rewards himself the next.

I just don't think I can go on and I just don't have the energy.

I've threatened him before about his drinking and he'll have to leave but this just seems to be spiralling out of control. He's always drank but I can't think of a time in 3 years where he hasn't had a drink.

He had a massive family trauma 12 years ago and I understand it's hard to 'get over' but for some reason in the last 6 months it's getting worse.

I have suggested counselling but he won't hear of it.

I just don't know what to do for the best. Well I do but I don't think I'm brave enough :(

He won't change, without serious intervention he can't change. He will be exactly the same as before just with a different woman to torment.

He's not going to stop drinking. Trust me on that one, I've been on both sides

It's the honeymoon period. It won't last but you've escaped a life of alcoholic misery. One day you'll be so grateful but not today and not for a while yet.

This and if we accept responsibility, then we have no more excuses not to stop drinking.

@YodaBabe
That sounds absolutely horrible and we all have had similar experiences. I'm so sorry. Do you go to AlAnon or Smart Recovery Friends and Family? There are online meetings for both I think. It can really help. Both also produce books that can be helpful.

However, I have to say that I was going to SMF friends meetings, reading all the books and having therapy myself, and it didn't change my husband's drinking one iota. It did help me try to preserve my self esteem and also showed me how many marriages have been ruined by alcohol.

I might have the order wrong but I think the AlAnon slogan is-
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it

This could be the rest of your life if something doesn't change. He is not going to change until it suits him, your children have already begged him and presumably you have too, and yet he continues to drink. You don't want your children thinking you are tolerating / enabling his drinking and related behaviour. You and the children deserve better. Please start planning your exit.

Have you opened up to any friends or family in real life about his drinking? It is so scary doing so but it really helps. You shouldn't feel ashamed.