Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

[Mememene]

Fedup078 I know you said in your first post that you weren't sure about al-anon but IMO you have nothing at all to lose.

You wlll find people there who have been exactly where you are I'm sure, I've even thought about going to one or two myself but I get everything I need from the AA meetings as you know I'm on both sides of the issue here.

If you don't like it, then don't go back. It's no problem.

[pointythings]

@fedup078 I understand where you are coming from - the disintegration process seems to have been much faster than it was with me. My husband managed to well and truly kill any remaining love I had for him in the last 4 months of our marriage. There was a brief period while he was in rehab when I saw the old him coming back, the man I married, but the way he behaved after his relapse killed that off. (BTW what did it for me was not the relapse into drinking - I could have handled that. It was the relapse into the lying, the gaslighting and the manipulation that made me end things).

When I got the news that he had died, my main feeling was relief.

[Mememene]

@pointythings

@fedup078 I understand where you are coming from - the disintegration process seems to have been much faster than it was with me. My husband managed to well and truly kill any remaining love I had for him in the last 4 months of our marriage. There was a brief period while he was in rehab when I saw the old him coming back, the man I married, but the way he behaved after his relapse killed that off. (BTW what did it for me was not the relapse into drinking - I could have handled that. It was the relapse into the lying, the gaslighting and the manipulation that made me end things).

When I got the news that he had died, my main feeling was relief.

That's so sad, but lying and manipulation is a part of his illness and will come back as soon as the alcohol goes down the throat again.

For sure it's an illness because he died of it and I've seen that happen to many people. BUT he had the best ever chance to get off it, rehab is a great opportunity to reset, I've been there for three months and will be forever grateful. But they told us at the start that out of about 40 of us they'd attend three of our funerals in the next year. And it happened. There were probably a few more that I'd never heard about as I was in a different city.

It's a rotten illness that devastates famiies but the responsibility is always with the addict, they are the only ones who can change anything if they really want to and even then it's hard. If they don't no one and nothing can change them.

I think relief is a valid emotion and one that was probably well earned by him fwiw

[pointythings]

@Mememene I could bore you for hours with the last 6 months of his life, so I won't. What I do know is that it is possible to find sobriety, because my Dsis' partner did - he's 11 years sober.

My husband never got past the stage of admitting he had a problem. He was in rehab for 6 weeks (not enough) and never took that first step. All he did was tough it out and pay lip service, thinking he could go back to his old ways and I'd stay with him. He didn't realise that there was more than one rock bottom involved and I'd hit mine.

[Mememene]

@pointythings

@Mememene I could bore you for hours with the last 6 months of his life, so I won't. What I do know is that it is possible to find sobriety, because my Dsis' partner did - he's 11 years sober.

My husband never got past the stage of admitting he had a problem. He was in rehab for 6 weeks (not enough) and never took that first step. All he did was tough it out and pay lip service, thinking he could go back to his old ways and I'd stay with him. He didn't realise that there was more than one rock bottom involved and I'd hit mine.

Yes thank goodness it is possible to find sobriety I now have a good few years behind me. My best friends are all in recovery and have beaten the demon drink one day at a time, because it's a demon.

I was in rehab for 3 months and to be honest could have done with longer. An addiction that he's had a lifetime to develop doesn't get cured in 6 weeks, and support is needed big time from AA or the like when you get out.

I've also hit my rock bottom with my ex, he's a binge drinker. There's no way anyone should stay with an active alcoholic who won't take treatment/recovery seriously. There were a few other issues but there was no way I was going to let him move into my home when he falls over drunk. I've been gaslighted too being told there's nothing wrong his his drinking, falling over, breaking a rib, putting dents in plaster, breaking stuff it's my attitude that stinks as I don't drink. He says AA have brainwashed me.

The change in him was staggering when he started to drink again after lockdown/my cancer. He was a different person and I just didn't see it coming. So I get what you say about how awful it is to live with a drinking alcoholic or even a binge drinker. He's killed the love I had for him and I adored him totally, but it's taken me a couple of months after leaving him to get to this place.

[pointythings]

I think what made it easier for me to really detach was the impact on my DDs. Once he had left the house they became playful again, smiled again, sang in the shower again - did all the things they hadn't done because they were always walking on eggshells around him. It really opened my eyes to how bad he had been and how the entire household had revolved around him. Fortunately he didn't push for contact and if he had would have got nowhere because DDs were 15 and 17.

[fedup078]

Weekend check in
How's everyone doing?
He's pretty much stuck to the no contact though the few phone calls I've had were certainly not emergencies
Quite upset I have to wait til the end of the year to process the divorce as this is the new system
I thought it would be done and dusted in a few months

[pointythings]

@fedup078 it is disappointing, isn't it? I thought when no fault divorce came in that it wouldu speed things up, but it seems that they have brought in this 6 month 'waiting period' to appease those who feel we shouldn't be allowemsd divorce at all. As if you haven't thought about it for ages when you do finally decide to divorce!

Meanwhile all is well here, we've been to DD1's graduation and that was lovely, DD2 has passed her first year at Uni despite major health problems and I have a social event tomorrow with my support group, which is always good.

[fedup078]

Ah that reminds me @pointythings
I now have a first class degree and need to arrange my graduation

[Cyberworrier]

Hello everyone,
Well done to your daughters Pointy.
Oh I didn't realise this Fed Up about no fault divorces. Hmmm. I am going to see a solicitor next week. My husband still is refusing to talk to me. I went by our house when I knew he'd be out and it was filthy and kitchen surfaces covered in booze bottles. Quite upsetting though not surprising. I'm just hoping he will realise nothing is to be gained by refusing to engage. Time away from him is making me realise how strained everything was and how everything revolved around booze.
I'm meant to be moving back to our house next weekend and god knows what will happen, if he will have found anywhere to go to/refuse to cooperate. It's quite scary. And sad.

[pointythings]

@Cyberworrier it's ridiculous. In my native Netherlands you can get a divorce done and dusted in 6 weeks if it's amicable - you can even use the same solicitor.

I'm so sorry things are hard for you. Keep pushing through it, life on the other side is infinitely better.

[Mememene]

@fedup078

Weekend check in
How's everyone doing?
He's pretty much stuck to the no contact though the few phone calls I've had were certainly not emergencies
Quite upset I have to wait til the end of the year to process the divorce as this is the new system
I thought it would be done and dusted in a few months

Shame about the divorce as for me anyway, I really started to heal after that was done, it was like an open wound before that. That was 20 plus years ago now.

I've had a text from my ex reminding me it's a year since my breast cancer surgery and I have to admit, he was a total diamond through that. So I just texted back (I know I shouldnt have, he was on block but I got nosey again) saying thanks for everything he did for me. Then he replies he still loves me.

But you know what, it doesn't hurt now like it did, and I wouldn't go back for so many reasons, but I wouldn't risk him breaking my heart again and going through that pain for a second time. I feel so much better now, my stomach isnt churning, I have gone passed the "what if there was a way to make it work" stage.

There is an old friend who is wanting to date me, but I'm not ready to leave one relationship and go into another, I need some single time. But hey, it does my soul good and we've agred to stay friends and have been out to a few nice places.

[Mememene]

@fedup078

Ah that reminds me @pointythings
I now have a first class degree and need to arrange my graduation

Im a graduate too a few years ago now. Enjoy the celebrations to both of you.

[fedup078]

@Mememene
Thanks I think I only did it as he always used to call me thick in arguments

[Mememene]

@Cyberworrier

Hello everyone,
Well done to your daughters Pointy.
Oh I didn't realise this Fed Up about no fault divorces. Hmmm. I am going to see a solicitor next week. My husband still is refusing to talk to me. I went by our house when I knew he'd be out and it was filthy and kitchen surfaces covered in booze bottles. Quite upsetting though not surprising. I'm just hoping he will realise nothing is to be gained by refusing to engage. Time away from him is making me realise how strained everything was and how everything revolved around booze.
I'm meant to be moving back to our house next weekend and god knows what will happen, if he will have found anywhere to go to/refuse to cooperate. It's quite scary. And sad.

Hi Cyber, this refusing to engage is pretty common with alcoholics, we don't deal with stuff when we're drinking, we pretend it's not happening and bury ourselves deeper into the bottle.

When we put the bottle down the problems are still there but when you are in the grip of an addiction your brain just doesn't work logical. Have a plan, decide what you want the outcome to be and assume he's not going to co-operate. If he does it's a bonus. My guess is that he will be burying his head and hoping you'll come back and it will all be fine.


He's obviously living like pig and still drinking.


Now I've had some distance from my ex I'm seeing things so much clearer, the further away I am the more I can see that it was just a recipe for disaster. He is continuing to enjoy his drinking, I'm going to continue enjoying my sobriety.

[Fancydancer1934]

I'm really glad I found this thread. I divorced my husband 18 years ago due to his drinking. Despite this I have found myself using alcohol as a coping mechanism - coming out with all the shitty excuses he did. I don't know why this happened but something has kicked in and tonight will be my third night in a row with no alcohol after at least two weeks consecutive drinking. Im going to try my hardest not to be the person I loathed all those years ago.

[Mememene]

@Fancydancer1934

I'm really glad I found this thread. I divorced my husband 18 years ago due to his drinking. Despite this I have found myself using alcohol as a coping mechanism - coming out with all the shitty excuses he did. I don't know why this happened but something has kicked in and tonight will be my third night in a row with no alcohol after at least two weeks consecutive drinking. Im going to try my hardest not to be the person I loathed all those years ago.

Hi Fancydancer, nearly of us who have an addiction, didn't see the damned thing coming, it creeps up on you, I needed more to get the same relaxed feeling, told myself I wouldn't drink tomorrow but always did.

If you think you have a problem with drinking and only you will know, then I'd get to an AA meeting. The very best thing I ever did was going to one. You can google them in your area and for me there were good strong women there who really helped me through the early days, that was several years ago now and a sober life so much happier. I've stayed sober through breast cancer, thought for sure I'd need booze to get me through but it would only have made it worse. Got through that sober too.

[SaintHelena]

@KangarooKenny

No, they think he’s great and funny. They don’t see him slipping out for a bottle of wine at night, spilling wine on himself and the carpet.

What is best for you in the long run?
Financially an old age where you got divorced and you got the house/ half the house/ half his pension/ nothing cos he drank all the money away/ you stayed and he stopped drinking / you stayed and he stopped drinking and left you ( I understand this does happen) / etc
Do what's best for you, tell the DCs you are leaving to force him to sober up or whatever - this is no life for you.

[Cyberworrier]

@Mememene thank you, I really appreciate your thoughts. Everything you've said rings true.
And that sounds bittersweet about your ex texting and remembering the positives of how supportive he was when you had cancer. It's really good that you can hold both that and the reality that you know you can't/don't want to go back. And sounds sensible not jumping into a new romance, but going out for dinners etc sounds nice!

@pointythings that sounds so much more civil being able to get it done quickly and even with same solicitor. And thanks, I will keep pushing through. Things already feel better so I know I've got to carry on being strong and it would be absolutely self destructive to go back.

[SortingItOut]

Would it have been better to have done the divorces on unreasonable behaviour?
It can be anything because its about what you found unreasonable.

I did this for my divorce a few years ago and although my ex disagreed with my reasons (of course!!) He agreed to still proceed with the divorce.
He was given 3 options as the defendent - agree, disagree or disagree but agree to proceed.

The divorce would have been done in less than 6 months if his mental health didn't decline and he end up sectioned.

You're all doing great!!

[pointythings]

@SortingItOut the law changed in April of this year, so there's no more 'unreasonable behaviour'.

And I did mine on those grounds starting at the very beginning of November 2017 and it still took until August 12th 2018 for the nisi to be pronounced - by which point my husband had already died. There were plenty of delays in some areas back then - mhy patch (Bury St Edmunds) was notorious for it.

[SortingItOut]

Apologies, I thought with the new no fault divorce that was just an extra way to divorce and not that everything would go this way.

At least you don't have to actually write down 5 reasons and how they impacted you. It can be quite triggering.

[pointythings]

@SortingItOut

Apologies, I thought with the new no fault divorce that was just an extra way to divorce and not that everything would go this way.

At least you don't have to actually write down 5 reasons and how they impacted you. It can be quite triggering.

It was certainly triggering for me. I did my very best to word mine neutrally but firmly and he still initially said he wasn't going to agree to the petition. I had to point out that his email stating this could be used in a deemed service application before he finally caved - and I hadn't put half the shitty things he'd done on there!

[fedup078]

Yeah mine talked me out of applying for the real reasons as he was scared of having it down on an official document and worried it would somehow get back to his employer
I should have just gone for it last year . Would have been sorted by now

[Mememene]

@fedup078

Yeah mine talked me out of applying for the real reasons as he was scared of having it down on an official document and worried it would somehow get back to his employer
I should have just gone for it last year . Would have been sorted by now

Deep deep down, you probably weren't 100 percent ready, we have to be ready to give up that last chink of hope that they'll return to a normal human being. Divorce is admitting it's final, it's over to me, when I went through it years ago. You can go for it now, you know you are done and there will be no doubting that you've done the right thing. There's a relief in that.

Alcholics can also be manipulative and persuasive, that says nothing about you (other than you have a big heart) but everything about him.

My ex texted last night, wants be back, thinks that I should trust him and give him another chance. Hmmmmmmmmm let me think about that, a fall down, break stuff, drunk, who wants a recovering alcoholic to join him in the pub a few times a week. Tempting offer.........


He says he'd never have asked for a 7 week break so he could allow his abusive adult son into his home (and go out drinking as often as he wants) if he knew it would break up the relationship. I did tell him. Hardly a shocker really. It's was a great offer but I had to decline.

It's taken me about ten weeks of agonising over the "what ifs" and "perhaps it might work again", trying to make my head rule my heart, telling myself not to be so stupid.

I know I'd say to a friend just go and don't look back but it's not that easy when it's you.

I didn't really know what real heartbreak was until now. But you know what? I finally think I'm getting there. I think I'm getting over him.