Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

Don't worry @Cyberworrier I think you're overthinking 😁

I should have started it as soon as the no fault divorce option came through but I'd been hanging on with some grain of a hope he could sort himself out

Then he drops the bomb shell he's been seeing someone for months

He said if he thought there was any chance we would get back together he wouldn't have looked at anyone else and he'd still rather be with me . I said it's a moot point as you're still drinking so makes no difference if you're seeing someone. But it was the nail in the coffin

My self destructive side keeps trying to tell me he must have sorted himself out for someone else but my rational side knows that he hasn't and just must be hiding it well, either that or their standards and self worth are as low as mine were when we met. Or even more worrying is they might be a drinker too

Well done, keep being strong.

Hi everyone. Thanks for starting this thread, though I am very sorry we all have to be here. I have posted in this area of MN before. My sister is the alcoholic. Four years ago, she had a long-time partner, job etc. and was a lovely sister and aunty. She has since lost the partner, the job, her friends and is currently homeless. She usually only calls me if she wants something. The admissions to hospital have started. I don't have any hope that she will seek recovery.

I started going to Al-Anon a couple of months ago and do find it really helpful. But it's still very hard. I am used to being a 'fixer' and trying to solve things but there's nothing I can do in this instance. Our parents have both died in the last few years and really I'm grieving for the sister I had too.

Sending best wishes to you all. It's such a horrible, horrible disease.

@Justcrackingon I'm so sorry
Did it start after your parents death?

I'm still having a wobble. I feel worse now than when we first split over a year ago.

@Justcrackingon I'm so sorry to read about your sister. The fixer thing rings true for me too. I'm glad AlAnon is helping. It's just awful caring for someone and seeing them decline.

@fedup078 That must have hurt to find out he's been seeing someone else and the way he spoke about it. I really doubt he's sorted himself out. I think unless someone is used to the behaviour of a (outwardly functioning) alcoholic, it can be hard to realise how bad it is. So she may be naive/blind to it at this stage... she may well have her own issues too, as you say. It must be really hard to process it all. Well done for moving forward to divorce and your own future.

I am on both sides of this awful illness sadly. I have been AF for over six years now after a horrendous life as an alcoholic. I absolutely know I am one of the lucky ones as most never get to this stage they die or end up with alcoholic dementia first.

I am just urging you to stay strong, I have left a partner, who I still love, because i cannot tolerate his behaviour when he is drinking. Perhaps me of all people should have more empathy but I have very little but a huge desire to self protect and stay sober.

Like you we live apart, thank goodness, but he falls over, breaks stuff, dents plaster, does the frog walk (sideways staggering) pulled curtains down and he minimises it all. He can get gobby with me and I get told I'm just intolerant because i don't drink and every bloke does this. He is a binge drinker. When I had cancer he didn't go out to protect me from covid, in lockdown he didn't bother drinking at all. But after lockdown and now I'm cancer free, he's out three times a week and I never know what state he is coming back in.

He gets up 3 or 4 times every 20 minutes after he's had a session so you can forget having a good nights kip. He eats and the food is all over the floor and table. Gross.

I've left him and trying my damnest to stay away because if I go back, I'll end up drinking and all of the awful consequences that go with it. And if I have one drink I just cannot stop, it's the hell of being an alcoholic. So I won't go back, I wont drink, but I need to keep reading threads like this and going to AA to stay strong.

I might even go to an Al anon as now I'm also on the receiving end. Kharma eh?

I don't know about anyone else but my h has a very professional and responsible job as did my mother
It's hard to believe they then went home and both drank in the morning etc
Ah I think I need some counselling or something
I thought I had I was ok but so much has been dragged up again in the last few weeks and I'm really not

@fedup078 I'm so sorry you're feeling rubbish. I had some counselling last year and it did help. Worth looking at Al-Anon too; someone that goes to my group also does a virtual one and recommended it. My sister was drinking for years before my parents died (although I only found this out recently from her ex-partner). Splitting up with her partner, then the deaths, plus Covid lockdowns and it obviously just escalated. She was a functioning alcoholic right up until the point she wasn't, I guess. She has plummeted through every rock bottom since but still isn't stopping. I fear every phone call.

Thanks @Cyberworrier

@Mememene Well done for staying AF for so long and all strength for the future.

My Ex H was a well functioning alcoholic - would drink 2 bottles of wine a night but still did well at his job. I remember phoning al-anon about 20 years ago, asking them for objective help finding information on what this level of drinking was likely to do to his health. The person on the phone surprised me by asking how I felt about it. He said, how you feel about this matters. That actually upset me, because I was trying to keep emotional distance about it I guess. But it was important to know, because I just didn't realise that I was "allowed" to be upset over it, thought it was all about his health.
Fast forward another 10-15 years and several more children. I used to feel so lonely - looking after the kids while he "destressed" after work, and by the time I'd got them to bed, he'd be too far gone to have a decent conversation with. Sex became poor quality and infrequent, but he was sure that alcohol had nothing to do with erectile dysfunction 🙄. When we went on family holidays, I knew that we had to make sure he had a couple of bottles of wine in and plenty of fags, because until he knew those necessities were in place, he'd be on edge.
We've been divorced 5+ years now, and people tell me I look 10 years younger. I didn't realise how much it was all dragging me down, sucking the energy out of me. My boyfriend now is quite a big drinker socially but is clearly not dependent, and it's so clear to me that he's considerate, constantly thinking about how I feel, whether I will be comfortable in any upcoming social situation. This clear and explicit focus on whether I am happy is what I find so refreshing, because I realise it was totally absent with my ExH. When I look back at my diaries, I can see that it was ALL about him. How it affected me didn't matter.

To those of you still involved with an alcoholic -
HOW YOU FEEL MATTERS.
You don't need any more reason to leave. Being unhappy is enough.

@Justcrackingon awful situation
Lots of people said my h would have to reach rock bottom before seeking help but I don't think I really understand this notion
I think if he lost his job and driving license it would just make him worse and give him absolutely no reason to moderate anymore

Everyone's rock bottom is different and you are right to say that one person's rock bottom could make them seek help and the same situation for another alcoholic will just make them drink more.

You can't live your life hoping that one day he'll stop because most don't beat this addiction.

You have to do what is right for you now. I am now heartbroken as I've left a drinker who falls over and breaks stuff drunk, ironically to protect my own sobriety. He has has not reached any kind of rock bottom and tried to convince me that falling over and breaking stuff (plaster in the wall was one casualty) is perfectly normal.

It hurts like hell but it's better to go through this pain than of living with someone who thinks it's fine to get falling over drunk regularly.

You have dodged a bullet, I know how you feel though, I'm devastated right now but wearing myself out keeping busy so that I don't go back to him.

She's welcome to him, an alcoholic is no prize.

@Mememene oh yes I was regularly told that morning drinking is totally normal and everyone does it, otherwise why are the pubs open on a morning.

Thanks, but it's not easy, it's a lifelong addiction, I know I can never drink again.

One thing I want to shout out is that you can't change alcoholics, you can't make them reach their rock bottoms, you didn't cause this.

Even if they really want this, and I've seen many who do, still find it too hard to stop.

To anyone, don't stay with an alcoholic in the hope that they'll change because most don't and those who wish to can't. I've been to to many funerals. I do try to support people who have reached the stage they want to give up on a voluntary basis, I'm not a professional just in recovery myself.

It can be done but there's no way anyone should wait for the miracle to happen, they should move on and create a life for themselves without the alcoholic. If they stop, then great, if not don't suffer it if you are the partner.

I've had to take my own advice and I know how much pain I am in walking away from the man I love due to drink, but there's a world of pain much worse if I don't.

And I bet he told you this with a straight face and actually believed it himself.

Alcoholics are very manipulative. I posted elsewhere that my partner, now ex partner, was talking about moving in with me and I'd have to accept that he may fall over and break things. I asked, how about my new bathroom's shower screen, or perhaps the kitchen doors. He couldn't guarantee not breaking anything and I'd have to get used to it as all men do it.

He even told me I was hurtful by saying he couldn't move in to wreck my house. I mean how very unreasonable of me.

@Mememene
Oh yes he in all seriousness told me to ask all my friends as they'd agree with him and all his friends also have a bottle of red for breakfast
I didn't obviously
I posted on here instead and then threw him out

They have you questioning yourself. When I was drinking at stupid o'clock I would just deny it, out and out denial.

It takes the families peace of mind and that's worse than anything materially that is lost in my opinion.

When I look back I'm so ashamed but that shame came when I got sober and now I use it to help others if I can, and if they want it badly enough to beat this horrible addiction.

You can't help anyone though unless they really want to be sober desperately, so I won't hang around waiting for my partner to decide that he doesn't love the booze more than me as it may well never happen.

And I no longer have to have rows about him inviting me to spend time with a bunch of piss heads in the pub. This recovering alcoholic as no business being in a pub.

@fedup078 well done starting this thread, excellent idea. I don't have an alcoholic in my life at present, but both my late husband and my late mother were alcoholics.

May I suggest that you follow up the idea of some counselling? I've had counselling and it really helped - I'm not done because I've spent the past 4 years working more on supporting my DC than on my own recovery, but I'm ready to do it properly now. Your alcoholic is still in your life, but you will come out on the other side.

One more piece of advice: every so often, do something that is just for you. Doesn't have to be big, it can be as little as a perfect cup of coffee in the garden while you don't think at all about your addict, your divorce or even whether you should be hanging out the washing. Those little things add up and teach you to prioritise yourself.

If anyone wants to ask me anything about coping with an alcoholic or rebuilding in the aftermath, I'm here.

@pointythings I remember you from my original post and many subsequent ones

I've decided to go very lc with my ex now

I don't think he means to piss me off with his many phone calls (I NEVER call him) but I think it's damaging for both of us so it's text only from now on

Very lc is very sensible. Wish I'd done the same right away, it would have saved me being so incredibly anxious when he went radio silence later on.

He rang me again
I thought he'd leave it a while after the heated conversations we've had the last 2 days
It's so hard
I ended it and he has every right to find someone else now but I feel like I've lost my best friend and I just can't be friends with him knowing he's with someone else

@fedup078 you don't have to be friends with him, or at least not yet. That may come a long way down the line when you are both settled in your new lives. For now I think you would be best off sticking to the very low contact regime - he should really only be communicating with you about matters to do with the DC and to do with the mechanics of the divorce, nothing else. You need space from him to find yourself again.

Tell him that from now on you want all communication to be via text or email only unless it's about the matters above or in case of emergency. You deserve that space.

I tried to stay friends with mine too but each time was like picking an open side and it hurt me more. If like me, he used to be my best friend and soul mate but is it like me where that hasn't been the case for a long during and it's just been pain?

I get it with ending it but it's not the fairy tale ending and it hurts. If your head ruled your heart was it the right decision?

I'm sorry for those of you where drink is ending a marriage/partnership, especially if children are involved

I'm struggling today. At an Al-Anon meeting people were talking about 'live and let live', how you can't control someone else's drinking, it's their life. Then someone said 'but what about when it gets to live and let die?' And that's where I'm at. I know I shouldn't catastrophise but I really can't see my sister getting sober. She's got herself in such a mess - now being homeless - that it's hard for me to just sit back and watch. I try and stay in touch, even though she hardly ever calls me, but we live in different parts of the country. The last three times I visited the area and we arranged to meet up, she didn't turn up and she doesn't tell me things (e.g. hospitalisations) unless she has to. Even if I wanted to alert social services or doctors or whatever, I don't know where she is. Part of me feels like I need to do something but then she says she's been in touch with housing etc. and she's in her fifties, she knows how to see a doctor. It's just been such a rapid descent, it's hard to get my head around. For those of you where things have got really bad, how did you cope with this?