The Freedom Thread - Enjoying the positives of an alcohol free life

[Breathmiller]

Hello all

A shiny new thread for those that would like to give up alcohol forever and a shiny new OP. (twirls)

The wonderful Drybird started these thread a loooong time ago and I'm sure many of you will agree that it has made such a massive difference to the lives of those who have read them or posted on them. Drybird would like to take a little break from hosting the threads so asked me if I would start one this time. The suggestion was that we can take it in turns after that which I think is a great idea .

Anyone is welcome to join and post but please be aware that this thread is for those of us who want to give up alcohol completely. It doesn't matter if you are on day 1, week 6 or year 5 (and it doesn't matter how many day 1s you have), there just has to be an intention to let go of alcohol altogether. So please no talk of moderating or drinking at the present moment or in the future, it can be triggering for some of us. There are many other wonderful threads for those who would prefer to moderate and we wish you well. If you decide that total abstinence is for you then come back.

It doesn't matter what your reason is, if you feel like it's an issue then you are welcome. It really is a friendly bunch. I also want to say hello to all the lurkers who don't want to post for one reason or another and say I hope that these threads give you support too.

There are many threads before this so if you are new, do look back, there is always at least a link to the last one at the beginning of each. Every thread is rich with advice and support. I personally have felt held in so many ways by each and everyone who has posted and I don't feel I would be here at 1yr2 months sober without it. Post daily, hourly even if it helps or just dip in now and again when you feel the need. It's not always the easist thing to do but it is worth it and it is easier with a group as supportive as this. We are each other's cheerleaders and underatns where we are coming from when the times are tough.

Here is the link to the last one....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4324737-Freedom-An-alcohol-free-thread-for-alcohol-free-people

These threads have been a lifesaver for so many of us with ideas from AF alternatives, Quit Lit suggestions to why our brains are wired the way they are and what tools we can learn to help us break free from the fog of alcohol. But most of all it's a lovely safe space where we can talk, vent, moan, ask questions, give advice and support each other. As we get to know each other there is also a lot of daily chat about what's going on in our lives - running, books, gardening, yoga and family. It really is a warm, welcoming and friendly space so do join in.

The suggestion to get this thread going is for everyone to have a think of what they gain from not drinking, what are the positives? Or if you are on day 1 then what is the thing you are most looking forward to? Let's let go of the idea that we are denying ourselves something or that we are living less than and list what we are gaining instead.

My main positive (in amongst all the fresh skin, clear head, lack of hangovers, lack of shame better health - physically and mentally, I could go on and on........) is the fact that I don't have the eternal converation in my head going round of whether to have a drink that day or not. I am (mostly) free from that and it is amazing!

So whether you are a regular or a newbie, do say hello and introduce yourself.

@bella1426 you can do it! Enjoy the break and the lovely clear head.

Been looking for a forum like this for some time, really enjoyed reading the posts. Given me lots to think about

cappuccinoandmybook
That was such a good post and will resonate with many I think. I'm sorry that you're finding it hard to navigate how you deal with other's (and your own) perception of what it means if you stop drinking.

I had that for a long time. I kept thinking that if I stopped was I really accepting that I was an "alcoholic" and what did that mean? Would some people agree that I was, would others think I was making a mountain out of a molehill and I really was nothing like their idea of an alcoholic?

But I think your list says it all. What a fantastic list of how you felt when you were drinking and how you feel now.

But I agree that you can't bring out that list every time someone asks you why you aren't drinking. You need something quicker.

I don't know if I am an alcoholic. Perhaps. I find that word quite loaded. My grandfather was a functioning alcoholic and I wasn't at his level of drinking by any means. But I find it easier to say, to myself as much as anyone else, that I know I have a difficult relationship with alcohol. And I am better without it. And that's enough for me. Maybe i would end up like my Grandad if I didn't take this step. Who knows? He didn't always drink.

For other people, if they are genuinely interested with curiosity and kindness then I will say something similar but most of the time I have a few replies depending on who it is and what the situation is.

"I've drank enough in my lifetime, time to try it out sober "

"I find now I'm in menopause that one glass makes me feel shit so I don't bother"

"I'm having a break/doing dry January etc.." ( I don't use that anymore)

"I did dry January and felt so good I thought I'd keep it up"
("Why not just have one now and again though?")
"Ach, I've never been very good at the one glass thing, how do people do that? (Grin)"

"I'm on a health kick"

And my favourite one...
"Ahh, it's a yoga thing and we're all a bunch of weirdos" 😆

I try to keep it as light as I can and then move on to something else. I will also make jokes in the right company when drinking AF drinks like,
"Yes, I will have another glass of Nosecco - pished again"
"Once a lush always a lush."

Maybe we can all list different ways we have of explaining to others so we have a tool box of answers when we are still struggling with explaining to others.

Time to get our toolboxes out again, lads.

What's in yours?

Nowadays I just tell people I gave up booze temporarily at the start of the pandemic, and I felt so much better I never went back to it!

I don’t consider myself an alcoholic. I just don’t think it’s a helpful term. There is still such a stigma associated with it, and I think the label “alcoholic” generally only does one of two things: 1) It makes people think they don’t have a problem with alcohol because they’re not sat on a park bench swigging vodka from a bottle at 9am, or 2) it makes people who know they have a problem with alcohol reluctant to seek help because of the stigma associated with alcoholism.

Instead I think I had a problematic relationship with alcohol, and that the effect of it on my life was negative rather than positive, and that I’m better off without it.

@Breathmiller your mentioning of lads made me think of @HangingOver, I hope she’s okay😃

I'm loving this response @Breathmiller

And my favourite one...
"Ahh, it's a yoga thing and we're all a bunch of weirdos"

I may have to take up Yoga so I can start using it myself

The more I have reflected today on how problematic my relationship with alcohol has been over the years the more I have realised how similar it was to some kind of controlling/gaslighting/ abusive silent but ever present partner in the form of a wine bottle

@Breathmiller thank you very much for your wise words! I love the yoga response I must use it!

For now I've settled on this response -

"I'm just happier without alcohol"

it's short, to the point and 100% true. Surely no one can argue against someone finding happiness

I thought of a memory today. It was Christmas 2019 and we took our kids to see Santa at a farm in the next town. It was magical, a stable with real reindeer, we all drank hot chocolate and the kids decorated ginger bread cookies while Mrs Claus read everyone a story, there was a snow machine and the whole place was filled with fairy lights and elves it was one of the best and most magical experiences and my kids still talk about it. We all got home and I to pyjamas and put Home Alone on TV. I drank a whole bottle of red wine and zoned out during the movie. I woke up at 5am feeling dizzy, anxious and dehydrated and cried because the day we had was amazing and I just had to try and add to the happiness by swallowing a bottle of poison and for what?! I felt I tainted the whole experience but thankfully my kids weren't affected.

Why did I not just enjoy living in the moment and enjoying experience completely and let it be what it was without trying to make it even more enjoyable with alcohol!

I'm will hold on to that thought throughout Christmas and remember how regretful and horrible I felt and I will just enjoy all the magical days with my children sober, happy and relaxed with nothing more than hot chocolate and gingerbread in my belly and wake the next day with a smile on my face and know that my experience was the same as my happy children who don't need any substance to feel joy!

Hello

Just jumping in late on the “ alcoholic “ chat . It’s a term not widely used now in medical / recovery “ circles “ . Alcohol use disorder is used in place of “ alcoholism “ and is recognised as being a wide spectrum from mild to severe … basically where alcohol is causing harm to a person and the relationship with alcohol is unhealthy . Someone with alcohol use disorder will range from mild to severe and sometimes be both physically and psychologically dependant . Not everyone with alcohol use disorder is physically dependant . The scope ( spectrum ) is massive

@Ilove

Hello

Welcome @Ilove.

Just checking in ✅

Loving all the posts, so informative, sensitively worded and interesting. You beautiful people you 🌻

Checking in day 11, slowly feeling better and not catastrophising anymore.

Thanks for sharing @Adm1010 that’s so interesting. Well done @ChampooPapi!!!

Welcome @Ilove, feel free to share🙂

@ChampooPapi good to hear you are feeling better 👌

Morning. I’ve not been posting much but I’m still here and still AF 68 days.

I went out with a group of people last night who I don’t know very well- work related and everyone was drinking. I ended up saying I wasn’t drinking alcohol because I had been feeling really stressed recently with workload and found myself having a drink to try and alleviate it which I didn’t think was healthy and so was choosing to manage it differently. I felt empowered and it amazed me how many others spoke about their unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I’m really struggling with my relationship with’D’ H which was one of my excuses to drink previously. I am struggling to put into words exactly the problem, I’m writing a journal to try and develop some clarity. I feel dreadful for the impact on the kids, I don’t want to argue because of them but I don’t know how to get my message across to him. I say to him ‘I don’t like it when you speak to me like that’ and he says’I didn’t speak to you like anything’…..he invalidates my feelings.

bella have a wonderful weekend away. Lots of lovely food to enjoy, new experiences to be had and new places to explore. By not drinking you will be able to enjoy these and be there for them so much more.

paulmidlands and ILove Welcome. Feel free to share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

Thanks for clarifying that thought on the word alcoholic. Makes sense to me. My friend said way back when I started that it doesn't matter how much I am drinking compared to anyone else if it causes me issues then it's worth dealing with. I liked that. It made me feel like I didn't need to justify why I was stopping drinking. I didn't want to anymore so that was enough.

champoopapi so good to hear that you are feeling lighter. Well done on day 11.

Kindtomyself great to hear thst you felt empowered by telling your friends. But I'm so sorry that you are having such difficulties in your relationship. The journal sounds a really good idea to get clarity on how you feel. It's horrible when our feelings and opinions are disregarded.

I have a short day today then a weekend off!! Yeehaa! It's been a long and sometimes stressful few weeks. But mostly lovely to be back in my zone at work after being unwell.

Woops this paragraph was to adm101

Thanks for clarifying that thought on the word alcoholic. Makes sense to me. My friend said way back when I started that it doesn't matter how much I am drinking compared to anyone else if it causes me issues then it's worth dealing with. I liked that. It made me feel like I didn't need to justify why I was stopping drinking. I didn't want to anymore so that was enough

TRIGGER WARNING

Yesterday I was 328 days AF.

Yesterday I met friends that I’ve not seen for a couple of years. So know me as a boozer. I obviously had no intentions to drink. On our way to lunch we stopped at a little champagne bar. They ordered a glass each. I said I’ll have a tonic, they were shocked as although they knew I’d stopped they thought it was temporary / moderation etc. I’m not sure what happened as I then said forget the tonic I’ll have a glass too. I’m not sure why. I didn’t feel pressured. It was purely just a nice thing to do. Yet looking back I didn’t ‘need’ it. A tonic would have been fine. At lunch they had wine; I didn’t. We went to a cocktail bar after lunch and I had lemonade. So other than the champagne, I was ‘good’. But have lost my 328 day streak that I was so proud of. I still see myself as AF but feel conflicted. I don’t hate myself for succumbing. I’m a bit embarrassed to say I enjoyed it. It hasn’t and will NOT mean I re introduce alcohol or start moderating. But I don’t feel hugely guilty. I should shouldn’t I? I feel a fraud posting here. I’m out again tonight and have a variety of social plans and will not be drinking. I’ve no idea why I did.

@StayingVigilant thanks for sharing, I think it’s interesting you had the one glass and then didn’t have wine with lunch. I think the main questions is, why have the one glass??? Why bother? Was your day nicer for having that one glass? Wouldn’t it have been the same with a tonic?

For me having the one glass would be a very dangerous thing. Maybe I wouldn’t have had the wine with lunch, but sure enough the next time I felt like “one glass” I would have it, and one day this slippery slope would lead me back to exactly the miserable place I started. Maybe it’s different for you.
Anyway you did really well not having the wine for lunch, and I think you are right not to berate yourself (no point in that). But if I were you I would unpick WHY I said yes in that moment.

Are you hoping to remain alcohol free from now on?

@Kindtomyself difficulties in relationships often come to light when you stop drinking, as you are no longer numbing those difficulties with booze. Writing down your feelings is a great idea. Have you told your husband you sometimes feel like he invalidates your feelings and that this is important to you? Maybe he has no idea!

Yes bunnies that’s just it. I’ve been AF for almost a year and plan to continue. The day would have been exactly the same with a tonic. And I really don’t know why I had it. I really don’t. I didn’t even think shall I shan’t I? I asked the waitress for a tonic, the others discussed which champagne they wanted with the waitress, the waitress then said something like ‘your having a glass of champagne too’ and I said yes, actually I think I will, forget the tonic. Why? Just caught off guard maybe. A momentary lapse of reason. I honestly don’t know. But I do know that it was a blip and I’m still AF. I’m an AF person. That’s who I am. But need to be my username!!

I’m hoping to stop the “need” to alleviate stress/work/loneliness/insomnia with alcohol.

Some nights 2 bottles of wine, other nights 1

I last drank wine on Sunday, and that was just one glass.

I don’t have the same feeling with gin or vodka, its just wine.

I was trying to alleviate the same things, @ilove. Excellent that you’re on Day 5 now.

Are you doing the free Alcohol Experiment?

@SparklingLime

I was trying to alleviate the same things, *@ilove*. Excellent that you’re on Day 5 now.

Are you doing the free Alcohol Experiment?

I’m not doing anything other than still working and trying to keep my hands busy in the evening and go to bed early.

The worst evenings are when DH is on nights, like tonight, so I’ve booked myself out to work till 11pm, but in the past that hasn’t stopped me coming hom and having a bottle before midnight

Argh another manic day and DH is out tonight so doing bath bed etc on my own!

Send strength!!

Lots of people have found it helpful, @ilove:

learn.thisnakedmind.com/the-alcohol-experiment-registration

✊ Indie!