The Freedom Thread - Enjoying the positives of an alcohol free life

[Breathmiller]

Hello all

A shiny new thread for those that would like to give up alcohol forever and a shiny new OP. (twirls)

The wonderful Drybird started these thread a loooong time ago and I'm sure many of you will agree that it has made such a massive difference to the lives of those who have read them or posted on them. Drybird would like to take a little break from hosting the threads so asked me if I would start one this time. The suggestion was that we can take it in turns after that which I think is a great idea .

Anyone is welcome to join and post but please be aware that this thread is for those of us who want to give up alcohol completely. It doesn't matter if you are on day 1, week 6 or year 5 (and it doesn't matter how many day 1s you have), there just has to be an intention to let go of alcohol altogether. So please no talk of moderating or drinking at the present moment or in the future, it can be triggering for some of us. There are many other wonderful threads for those who would prefer to moderate and we wish you well. If you decide that total abstinence is for you then come back.

It doesn't matter what your reason is, if you feel like it's an issue then you are welcome. It really is a friendly bunch. I also want to say hello to all the lurkers who don't want to post for one reason or another and say I hope that these threads give you support too.

There are many threads before this so if you are new, do look back, there is always at least a link to the last one at the beginning of each. Every thread is rich with advice and support. I personally have felt held in so many ways by each and everyone who has posted and I don't feel I would be here at 1yr2 months sober without it. Post daily, hourly even if it helps or just dip in now and again when you feel the need. It's not always the easist thing to do but it is worth it and it is easier with a group as supportive as this. We are each other's cheerleaders and underatns where we are coming from when the times are tough.

Here is the link to the last one....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4324737-Freedom-An-alcohol-free-thread-for-alcohol-free-people

These threads have been a lifesaver for so many of us with ideas from AF alternatives, Quit Lit suggestions to why our brains are wired the way they are and what tools we can learn to help us break free from the fog of alcohol. But most of all it's a lovely safe space where we can talk, vent, moan, ask questions, give advice and support each other. As we get to know each other there is also a lot of daily chat about what's going on in our lives - running, books, gardening, yoga and family. It really is a warm, welcoming and friendly space so do join in.

The suggestion to get this thread going is for everyone to have a think of what they gain from not drinking, what are the positives? Or if you are on day 1 then what is the thing you are most looking forward to? Let's let go of the idea that we are denying ourselves something or that we are living less than and list what we are gaining instead.

My main positive (in amongst all the fresh skin, clear head, lack of hangovers, lack of shame better health - physically and mentally, I could go on and on........) is the fact that I don't have the eternal converation in my head going round of whether to have a drink that day or not. I am (mostly) free from that and it is amazing!

So whether you are a regular or a newbie, do say hello and introduce yourself.

@BunniesBunniesBunnies I often feel our lives are very similar! Hectic, hectic, and then CRASH oR BOOM!

I've just managed to get the kids to school in Halloween costumes, have a birthday cake to make, a friend sick with cancer who I am going to see later, with some nourishing food I haven't made yet, a sick pet to take to the vet, and a whole pile of steaming-stately-home-style crap going on with my family of origin, that has come to a head in the last year, hardly a coincidence since I stopped drinking and can see it all with clarity. I'm frazzled! So I am making the decision to go to a yoga class right now before I deal with any more of today.

Are you getting enough running in? And maybe a stupid question but are you affected by the seasons? Taking your vitamin D? Light box ready to go? Escapist books piled by the bed or downloaded to the kindle?

You know the drill. Keep a hold of the stuff that works for you in between being all things to all people in your world

@BunniesBunniesBunnies. Count to ten! Really though, are you sure you are irrational when you explode? Or are you raising kids, working, trying to be perfect wife, keeping a house clean and tidy and producing breakfast , packed lunch & 7 dinners a week whilst also being taxi service, home-tutor and personal shopper? All with little by way of expressed gratitude.

Do we not need, and have the right to explode every so often? or do you really feel you’ve overdone it this occasion? You have my sympathy either way. Sorry, this may not be helpful and perhaps my outlook isn’t the most well informed or mature, but I too plod away for so long and then lose it too. You are being too hard on yourself

@iamyourequal I’m supposed to keep the house clean and tidy as well?!? Oh my god😂😂😂 you know what it’s interesting you question whether I was irrational to explode, I was just thinking myself that actually it was perfectly reasonable😂 Just to clarify I didn’t shout at the kids, just my other half😂 I think he kind of deserved it😂😂😂 Still, it would be better if I could calmly explain my feelings to him rather than shout…

@Drybird2020 I am getting my runs in still fortunately, these are keeping me sane. It’s a double edged sword though, as I’m sure sometimes I am running (needed for sanity) when I should be resting (also needed for sanity but no time) instead.

I’m very fortunate in that the seasons don’t affect me at all (weirdly I love all seasons!) though I have let my multi vit intake slip (I take magnesium, zinc and iron on top of normal multi vit which helps a lot). Will take them now.

Thanks for all the ace tips. It’s all just become a bit too much for me now. I love my job but it’s very full on, that plus half term is just 🤯🤯🤯

thank you all for your kind words I feel better already

Ps I’m not some Mary Poppins by the way, sometimes I shout at the kids as well😂 Just not today (yet😂)

Hi. Sorry to read you’re feeling low @BunniesBunniesBunnies. I am too, just so sick of trying to deal with emotions. Hope you feel better soon.

@Kindtomyself thank you I already feel so much better thanks to all your comments. This is such a supportive place, I love it.

Sorry you’re struggling with emotions too. How long have you been sober again? I was an emotional mess to begin with. So much better now generally but everyone once in a while I still explode.

Sadly I think a lot of it dates back to my childhood. My parents (who are generally loving and supportive) could not deal with my emotions at all and unfortunately responded in quite a violent way to them. (It is difficult for me to say that about them as in every other way they are extremely loving). So I guess I never learnt to deal with my emotions as a child. I make a conscious effort now with my own children to always validate their feelings (even when their behaviour is not okay, their feelings are always valid). It’s bloody hard though.

@Breathmiller & @Kindtomyself, sorry to hear you have both had challenging weeks and feeling blue. A little blueberry 🫐 popped up there as I typed. I will leave it in as I know you love your fruit n veg Breathmiller. 😀
I don’t have any words of wisdom but hope you both (and everyone) have a pleasant, relaxing and restoring weekends to get back to feeling better. It must have been lovely to know your yoga teaching can affect people so profoundly. I’ve been going back to yoga too, and she is lovely and I like yoga but there is loud music throughout (songs, not nice floaty spa type relaxing music). It irritates me so much I can’t even get calm and think I will start doing it at home instead.

Bloody hell this rain isn’t helping today is itit’s been pouring here non stop all day .

Ps, @BunniesBunniesBunnies. My house isn’t clean either, but I kid myself I do it (when not shouting at the kids).

12 days today.
According to my app I’ve saved £110 (I definitely think it would be more than this as I’ve been out for dinner 3 times)
Saved 22 hours (again must be a lot more and have gained so many hours of good sleep)
Saved 3,850 at the very least in alcohol (negates by huge amount of cake and sweets 😫)
Putting this down as motivation to keep going this weekend. Hosting a dinner party Saturday night 😫 which will be a challenge. Bought wines that aren’t my favourites to serve to keep me on the wagon. Too busy to drink anyway with the famous school Halloween party (motherland style) 😂 Really wish I didn’t have to have wine in the house but can’t thrust my sobriety on everyone else! On on

PS DH teasing me calling me virtuous. But worse, starting to make excuses for my drinking “you didn’t drink that much”, “this new job will force you to moderate anyway”, “having a few drinks with friends over dinner is fun”. Do you suppose he’s hired by the wine witch?? Isn’t it funny nobody persuaded me to start smoking again when I gave up? Why does everyone want me to drink??? Was reading “the unexpected joy of being sober” last night and she has a chapter on what to say when someone asks you why you’re not drinking and she used to answer “raging alcoholism” which certainly shut up everyone. What excuse do you use?? I’m thinking of answering “no time for hangovers with kids work etc”

@Exitstrategist great work!
Other people want you to drink for only one reason: To normalise their own drinking. If my OH said that sort of thing to me I’d be really annoyed though, just tell him you are serious about not drinking and you’d like him to respect that.

I used to hate the question “Why don’t you drink?”. Now I just say that I gave up a while ago and I feel sooo much better. Which is 100% true.

exitstrategist well done at 12 days. And for having a party tonight. Shame that your dh isn't more supportive. Mine wasn't to begin with either, not the last time i went sober anyway but he has seen how much it means to me. I genuinely believe its because he felt to support me or to accept that I drank too much would mean that he would have to do the same. Once he realised that me stopping drinking was nothing to do with him then he has been much more supportive. He has admitted that he is impressed with how I've done it and that it encourages him to cut down. But it took a while

Thanks for the blueberry iamyourequal made me smile.

I think my blue(berry) feelings this week were an after effect of covid. It seems to be quite common. Feeling much better after being in my happy space in my studio. I am resting as much as I can this weekend though. Might try to go for a small walk if it ever stops raining.

I'll do a yoga class for us all where we will play floaty music and do lovely nurturing practices and you can all cry. 🤣🤣🤣 sounds great fun. (We do laugh a lot in my classes too as a balance - promise)

I'm on day one again. So disappointed with myself. I have no words really . Nearly made it to 100 days and beyond 😢

@ChampooPapi - Be so proud of yourself! You have done so well. I have been following you and others for a few months now. You are an inspiration and a great help in me wanting to go alcohol free after this weekend.

Aww @ChampooPapi go easy on yourself it happens xx

@ChampooPapi can you remember what triggered it?

Me too, @ChampooPapi. 💜

champoopapi don't feel disappointed. Feel good that you did 100 days, that's amazing. And feel good that when you decided to drink again for whatever reason, it didn't take long for you to realise that it wasn't for you. It was another step in your long term sobriety.

I know I don't speak just for myself but you're not the only one to do this.

I did a dry january or a dry November for a good few years. And always went back to drinking. I've done 18 months before. Then went back to drinking. Then the last time I was on a dry January thread on here that went on to February I went back to drinking. I could look at it as I failed or believe I can't do this long term but I now see what a great learning curve that was. It showed how much drinking is not for me. I think without these moments of drinking again I would have had a niggling thought that I may have been AF for years and years but somewhere deep down I would believe that meant I could moderate. Whereas, these moments just reiterated to me that not only am I shit at moderating, I dont enjoy drinking. These moments helped me be sober.

So, accept it, thank it for the lesson and move on in a way that you want to live your life.

And welcome back. 😊

@WhiteOrRed thanks, that was kind of you to say, it meant a lot to me it really did.

@Adm1010 gosh so many things, Halloween weekend, the fact I'd just completed my first assignment for uni, my husband went out with friends to drink at the pub but that's not been a trigger before, I just cracked. I am so wretched and hating myself so much right now! I'm such an idiot,

Thank you for your generous and supportive post @Breathmiller, I'm in tears here having read it and just feeling so much regret. I can't moderate I know this but I told myself if just have a few beers and have a cheat night. This was the lie I told myself. I ended up drinking most of the night away , firstly alone, then with my husband and his friends when they got back. I can't believe how stupid I am. I'm a 34 year old woman, a mother, a nursing student, and I acted like a teenager last night. I am devastated

@ChampooPapi be kind to yourself, you have a lot on your plate. You did a 100 days, you can do that again and more! Many of us have had “false starts” or slip ups, they can be vital in helping us see that moderation/drinking is not for us.

Try to identify what led you to drink, write the reasons out and then write down what you could have done differently (order a take away to celebrate, have a nice bath, ring a friend, post on here!).

Don’t let this one slip up be the start of a slippery slope back into drinking. Dust yourself off and keep going. You are great, you’re super impressive coping with your busy life and you deserve to be sober so you can fully focus and enjoy your life. Well done for posting about this and keep going.

@ChampooPapi the easiest thing you could have done is ignored this thread and continued drinking. Instead, you have dusted yourself off and got back on the wagon. You’re a hero for doing that. Be kind to yourself.

champoopapi remember as well that you are dealing with the physiologic fallout from the alcohol. You've got the beer fear. It's a chemical reaction.

You are still 34 year old woman, a mother, a nursing student. Last night doesn't negate all the wonderful things you do and are. Be kind to yourself today, do something nourishing. Then when you feel a bit stronger, tomorrow or the next day, just gently look at what the triggers were and find strategies to avoid them next time. We are all here to support you. We are all not perfect but just pootling along holding each other up in this sometimes very difficult path.

@ChampooPapi we are fighting a very very strong adversary …. Our brain !! It’s powerful ! You are not an idiot or any of the other names you are beating yourself with … you are strong but sometimes your brain is stronger ! That’s why you need to identify what went wrong ( when you are ready !!! ) and have strategies in place . It’s a David and Goliath situation we are in . You’ve got this xxx

@Exitstrategist you don’t need an excuse . “ because I don’t want to “ is enough . Why SHOULD we be explaining ourselves to people ??? I’m not doing it anymore . And that’s that