Freedom! An alcohol free thread, for alcohol free people.

[Drybird2020]

This is the latest in an established series of supportive and friendly threads, for anyone committing to a life without booze. If you have tried and failed to be a sensible, occasional or moderate drinker, and have come to the conclusion that you just can’t do it, you are in good company.

I won’t lie, the first part is tough. And it’s tougher for some than others. You will need to learn new ways of managing stress and negotiating social occasions. You will have to learn that alcohol and fun are not the same thing. Your relationships will change, often for the better, but some hard-drinking friends will turn away from the mirror your sobriety holds up to their own habits. You will find that the feelings you tried to drown in booze, come bubbling up to the surface and there’s no option but to face them. You will feel physically and emotionally low, as you relive and regret the stupid, painful and selfish things you did while drinking.

Here’s the good news: the first part will soon be over. It will be more worth it than you can possibly imagine. Life will still be messy, difficult and poignant, but so much sweeter, sharper, and more real.

This thread is a great place to ask for advice and tips, whinge and moan, check in for daily accountability, and run to when you have a craving that scares you. We also have quality chat about running, books, gardening, pets, and occasional meaningful conversations about our lives.

As should be obvious from the above, the thread is a DRY ZONE. Discussion of current drinking is extremely unhelpful to anyone in the early days, and people who have been alcohol-free for a long time benefit from a safe, dry space to talk. If you are looking to stop imminently and need to ask questions, go ahead, but leave your glass at the door. You wouldn’t take a drink to an AA meeting, so don’t do it here. You are welcome to post regularly from Day 1 onwards. If you suspect you have a physical dependency and need to cut down, seek medical help. If you want to be alcohol free except for a glass at Christmas and on your birthday, that’s moderation and you can talk about it on a moderation thread.

This is a rather long OP already so might I suggest that people use their first post to recommend their favourite quit-lit or other sources of help and support? Don't forget to say hello and a little bit abut your journey (if you want to). Many thanks.

@Breathmiller happy birthday you total sober legend!

Checking in 😃

Loving catching up with how well everyone is doing. Keep at this - it’s so worth it. Week 8 done for me.

Guess what - I actually tried 0% alc Prosecco today. Not sure what it’s called. Just happened to see it in Aldi of all places lol when I was there recently. It’s actually quite pleasant (not tried Tesco version so can’t compare) but it looks good in a champagne flute too 😉😎

Happy happy birthday @Breathmiller !!! 🥳

Good luck for tomorrow @ChampooPapi and really hope your daughter gets well soon. Big hugs. 🌷

Hello all
Can't remember where I'm up to, 10 weeks now I think.

Still having cravings, triggered by stressful situations usually, which are coming thick and fast now school has started again.

I'm trying to see each of these as another situation I've been able to deal with without alcohol. I'm hoping it's like a muscle I'm working, and it will get easier with time. Not sure if I've explained that well. I'm imagining myself getting stronger with each challenge I overcome.

Well done to every one here, you're all an inspiration.

Fieldguide good work on overcoming cravings and yes your sober muscle must be getting stronger with every flexing!

Day 15 here and feeling good. Bub was up very early so I was tired but just didn’t feel any cravings unlike last week. Even had a zoom call with friends and they were all drinking but I felt fine going without. Soaked up the “you look great” comments instead (sure they were just being kind but hey I’ll take it!).

@Kindtomyself how strange that your neighbours are so over invested in your drinking/not drinking situation. They ought to worry more about their own lives and leave you to get on with yours. What you are doing giving up alcohol is a very difficult, testing thing and you should be proud of your achievements so far. I wonder sometimes if, when others learn of our new AF lives, if maybe it brings home worries to them about their own drinking habits, forces them to take an uncomfortable look at their own alcohol intake and maybe, deep down, they are even a bit envious at how well we are doing in taking this massive step and the only way they can handle it is to make a "joke" out of it. My own dsis, who I love dearly, constantly brings up an occasion over 10 years ago at a party where I got very drunk and made an absolute fool of myself. I still cringe with shame when this party is mentioned. Photos of me behaving badly were taken and then, years later even used to make a Moonpig birthday card for me. Everyone else thought it was absolutely hilarious but, on a special birthday, in a lovely restaurant with all my family and friends around I felt so humiliated and embarrassed having my drunken antics from years ago shoved in my face once again and it ruined my birthday. All the time I had to pretend to laugh along with them, when inside I was burning with shame. Then the other week when I confided in my sister I had gone AF, the very first thing she said to me was a joke about my behaviour at the party. I honestly think they will have it engraved on my headstone when I pop off! At the end of the day I know I only have myself to blame and in a way it makes me even more determined to be AF.

@Kindtomyself look after yourself and don’t be diverted but what others may or may mot be doing doing and saying. Know your value and trust what you are doing now.

Have a good day.

Whenever I see people making choices - like schools, AF, SAHM, working mother etc etc etc, it seems to spark such interest by others nearby. I reckon this ‘interest’ (eg by way of backhanded comments) is so clearly massively to do with that persons own insecurities about what they are doing. I gravitate towards people who are the opposite of this (I.e just let you get on with it without making a fuss or questioning and also quietly support you) and life is so much easier tbh.

I would like to join.

Thanks everyone, I feel a little better with your comments but I’m pretty paranoid generally (I’m hoping that I can tackle this AF) so knowing that people are talking about me sets me on edge. I’ve had my message removed cos I was upset about it all. Bloody hell…., @Nosilayak that’s not funny of your sister/family ffs what’s wrong with people.

@CraftMaker hello, you are welcome. I’m on Day 15 and have found this thread so helpful and supportive. I’ve read back from the beginning of the first thread and there’s loads of help in there.

Day 21 today. Feeling really positive and it’s the longest I’ve gone since I was pregnant without drinking. Woo hoo!

@Breathmiller happy birthday for yesterday, hope you had a good day.

I had a good weekend, at a birthday party afternoon on Saturday which I was a bit worried about, but I asked for tea when offered a drink and stuck with it. I waivered at one point, it was so sunny and nice and I thought a beer in my hand would just complete it. But I reminded myself how well I’ve been doing, asked myself why I thought it would improve the afternoon (answer: it wouldn’t I was perfectly happy, and i didn’t need it) I soon forgot the thought. Phew! Previously I would have drunk as many beers as offered, and then drank more wine when I got home. So very pleased with how that went!

@Nosilayak that’s a horrible thing to have to deal with constantly as a big ‘joke’. I very much recognise the horrible feeling of the cringe and shame when an occasion is mentioned when you know you had drunk to much, it’s bad enough thinking about it yourself let alone someone else reminding you. Maybe when you are further down the AF path and feeling confident about it you could talk to your sister about it and how it makes you feel, you might be able to draw a line under it.

@craftmaker welcome. This is a great place to be if going AF. I’ve found it so supportive over the last few weeks, it gives you food for thought, ideas to help the journey and it’s nice to share with people going through the same thing, and just understand! I’ve also found buying some AF lit and getting the I am sober app really helpful.

@Kindtomyself I didn’t see your message before you removed it but get the idea of what your post probably said. I mentioned to some family I was planning on sober Sept & Oct (easier than explaining AF) and they literally just laughed at me. Yep, just laughed and said nothing.
My FIL also mentions wine EVERY time he speaks to my DH. Even if I’m unwell, or when I was pregnant ‘oh I bet she will have a glass of wine to make herself feel better’… it does actually bother my DH as much as it bothers me.
For my bday recently he bought me a box of these weird chocolates with whisky, brandy etc in them along with another alcohol based gift and made a point of telling me the chocolates had alcohol in them. They went in the bin as they all sounded gross but it’s embarrassing. I don’t think he has even ever seen me drunk and I’ve never had more than a couple of drinks around him. It is embarrassing though and I hate to think what he says behind my back if he’s that OTT about me and wine to my face!

@StopWineIng I’d be so tempted to hone in when your FIL is drinking anything and make a massive deal about it, like ‘oh on the gin again Derek?!’ But then that would just be immature wouldn’t it lol?!! Gosh I can’t stand people who make annoying comments and seriously, who of our generation enjoys chocolate liquors??!! Lol!

Well done @Kittenminion that’s great with Day 21. Also brilliant getting through the party.

@StopWineIng that’s all a bit weird isn’t it- your FIL I mean. What is he suggesting do you think? I’m really annoyed because someone mentioned to my DH that they knew l wasn’t drinking and the only way they can know is if a ‘friend’ of mine told a friend who told a friend who told their friend iykwim. I’m only 15 days AF so to me this just seems like a massive gossip. How horrible of people.

I’m premenstrual today so feel pretty crap and emotional. I generally try and ignore any feelings like this by having a glass of wine. I’m not doing that this time so will have to see what happens.

@Kindtomyself that is so weird. I don’t know your age/personal circumstances etc but could be gossip like pregnancy speculation as if I ever have one weekend where I don’t drink in a situation I would usually drink even my own family are like ‘are you pregnant,’…
My DH thinks it’s because whenever it’s bday or Christmas he tells him to get me wine, mainly because he doesn’t spend much as he doesn’t have a lot of money so I end up with a load of crap (without sounding ungrateful 🥴)… we don’t see him enough for him to see me drink often. It’s weird and since pointing it out to my DH it bothers him too. Like when I was unwell recently his dad was like ‘oh I bet she will still have a glass of wine tonight’ and my DH got quite annoyed on my behalf. I didn’t drink every night and would rarely drink mid week anyway but it’s like he thinks I must have drank every night 🤷🏻‍♀️ Who knows.
@Clouds78 he does drink wine too which makes it even more annoying. I know even my nan would probably turn her nose up at chocolate liquors lol

@Kindtomyself I’m 50 so it won’t be about pregnancy and I was hammered on a night out which is why I have decided to give up the booze and one of these ‘friends’ were there so they’ve been gossiping. Interesting because the gossiper is actually a massive drinker and drinks much more than me per week. The difference is that she doesn’t get as hammered as me because she has more tolerance and so she’s more socially acceptable. The ridiculousness of alcohol consumption.

That last message was in response to @StopWineIng not to @Kindtomyself (because that’s me )

@StopWineIng maybe your FIL isn’t very good socially and therefore thinks he’s being funny with his ‘quips’ about wine. I’m not excusing him just trying to work out the reason for such madness

It's crazy how challenging some other people around us find this, isn't it? I have been surprised at the ones who haven't batted an eyelid and then the opposite ones who I wouldn't have thought it an issue who did. I do think some people find it shines a light on their own drinking habits. And to be honest some people are just dicks. My step mum for instance can't get her head around the fact I am vegan. She makes such a fuss about it. You'd think I'd admitted that I eat babies for breakfast.

I also wanted to come on and be clear about something too.

Often I think when I go on about how good not drinking is that it come across as a bit Pollyana and it's all unicorns and flowers.

But life isn't like that of course. In fact, I have been feeling a little low lately, nothing major and I have support and tools in place but nevertheless life feels a bit of a slog at times. Like everyone, life can be shit sometimes and emotions can be like a rollercoaster. And there is definitely a thing of not having that mask of alcohol to cover over any feelings that arise.

I still think though that it's all so much better without alcohol. It wouldn't help me deal with the crap that life throws at us all. It feels like it helps at the time, but that crash afterwards makes it all so much harder to deal with. And in the long term it does no good (for me) at all.

I just thought I'd clear that up in the essence of honesty. I didn't want anyone to think "I must be doing something wrong with this not drinking malarkey because someone on the Internet seems to be "living their best life" on a constant now they have stopped. Why am I not feeling the same?"

It's not a cure all for all life's difficulties and challenges. But it does go a long long way to making them easier to navigate.

And thank you so much for the birthday wishes.
The best present? Feeling my unborn grandchild bobbing about in my daughter's belly. Absolute bliss. Oh, and no hangover today. Win win

@Kindtomyself just nasty gossips then. I always think someone who feels the need to gossip and invest so much energy and time discussing other peoples business really must not have much going on in their own life!

That’s a good point, plus apart from the kids he doesn’t really know much about what I enjoy doing so wine drinking is probably the only thing he can really talk about 🤣

Just checking in at the 8 week mark for me, feeling pleased and a little surprised I’ve managed this far.
Sorry to those of you facing being AF with negativity from those around you, don’t let them deter you from what you want to do.
Thank you again for the support here - living alone and not talking about this irl means I value you all so much on here.