Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Newbies Part 2

440 replies

resipsa · 29/05/2014 11:18

Hello! I like starting threads - there are sadly too many of mine littered in conception, miscarriage and infertility.

My story? After two miscarriages in 5 months (both following donor egg IVF), my mind and body have had enough and my thoughts are turning to the idea of adoption because I want two children. DD (my and DH's BC) is 3.

We're at the thinking stage but I have registered my interest with my LA and a VA locally. But for DD, I would be pressing ahead at full speed but I worry about the potential negative impact on her. I never worried about how having another BC might affect her and so am unsure if I need to refocus on me and DH - we want another child - rather than concentrate on the sibling issue.

I hope there are others (Mersea, maybe?) in my shoes who will join me here in supporting each other through the process.

And to Italian - I love your story and hope to follow in your shoes!

OP posts:
Rainatnight · 27/02/2016 13:16

Hi all,

This thread has been very quiet recently! Would be good to know if there were other newbies around. DP and I just about to start Stage 2. Exciting and daunting!

GodMother78 · 27/02/2016 13:48

Hello all Well we are going through stage one home visit booked and preparation classes booked so hopefully fingers crossed it will be all ok Grin

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 27/02/2016 16:56

A lurker newbie marking my place. We are about a month into stage 1. All references and checks are done so hopefully stage 2 will come soon. Our prep course is at the start of April.

We're adopting due to a mixture of failure to conceive and other health problems that would have made pregnancy difficult for me even if I had been able to conceive, as well as making me unable to consider IVF, so we have only had very preliminary investigations into the failure to conceive and it remains a mystery.

I had always wanted to adopt a second child anyway as I knew that pregnancy would be dangerous for me, so really were skipping straight to that bit!

In my other life I am a year 4 teacher, so may be able to help with any school related queries anybody has.

MrsH1989 · 27/02/2016 17:16

Hi All, we are in stage 3, prep groups done and assessment almost over (3/4 appointments left). We are hoping to be at Panel in June and be bringing home a child in August!

MrsH1989 · 27/02/2016 17:16

oops should say stage 2!

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2016 22:39

MrsH1989, CrazyCatLaydee123, GodMother78, and Rainatnight welcome all, all the best to you as you go through the stages.

emz78 · 01/03/2016 12:27

Hi sorry for posting this here, but being new to forums i have been unsuccessful creating a new post, but would would really appreciate some advice please.My husband and I are soon to start the adoption process, this comes after numerous failed ivf attempts over 16 years due to fail of treatment and mis carriage. The heartache that was felt over the unsuccessful ivf attempts has made me very nervous about opening up for the adoption process but also very excited to start a new chapter to finally becoming a family. To try and put our minds at rest and help us to be as prepared as we can be, i was wondering if anyone would please be willing to offer any advice on this journey eg where there any surprises (good or bad) along the way, what checks will be required, what were your coping mechanisms during the process, is there anything we can do right away to help aid the process? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, thank you in advance.

tldr · 01/03/2016 13:47

Hello Emz
There's a link at the top left somewhere that says 'create a new thread in this topic' if you want it.

Tbh, after 16years ttc, the adoption process might feel like a walk in the park. I know some people find it intrusive, I didn't particularly though I think a lot of that is down to how well you get on with your SW.

There's a couple of long running newbie threads (this one and another) that might be worth a read and a thousand others with questions just like yours. Have a read! I think there might also be a books thread and a tv programme thread. There's an advanced search button too right that'll help you find them.

I can't help with the process - it's changed since I did it.

Good luck!

emz78 · 01/03/2016 14:11

thank you tdlr i will certainly take a look, but thanks for heading me in the right direction :) yes i feel we have come so far after all the ivf set backs i'm a little afraid of leaving myself wide open for hurt again, but at the same time i am excited to get the ball rolling (as being 37 time isnt on my side now) so just feeling quite confused and emotional today, but so glad i took a look at the forums im sure they will help us no end, thank you again :) x

tldr · 01/03/2016 14:26

37's young round these parts!

Which part of the process are you in now?

emz78 · 01/03/2016 14:33

oh thank you that makes me fell better :) I am sending the first form to start the process this week, but on the one hand i am scared to start the process but on the other i am wanting to get the ball rolling as i know i am an 'over thinker' which isnt helping when i have so many questions. So i am taking the leap tomorrow and starting the ball rolling so was looking for any advice that might help us prepare for what we are going to go through.

3point14159265359 · 01/03/2016 14:49

Be ready for them to ask you any and all sorts. At this getting the ball rolling stage we were just asked some very basic questions, about us, our situation and why we were wanting to adopt. You'll revisit all of that with your SW later but do make sure you have an answer ready to why you want to adopt that makes it clear you are done with ttc, and have grieved for that and are ready to adopt (in a positive way, not in a desperate 'give me a child' way.)

emz78 · 01/03/2016 15:10

Thank you for that any advice is greatly appreciated at this point :) and will take on board the advice you have given thank you. In the early stage of the process was there anything that came up that surprised you? What checks are done and is there any sort of prep that i could start now please?

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 01/03/2016 17:20

emz78 there are now 2 stages that should take around 6 months. Stage 1 involves medicals, references (personal and family), criminal record checks and a humongous form. I am just coming to the end of that stage.

After Stage 1 is complete, they will "invite" you to Stage 2 (assuming you passed the first stage of course). This is the home study stage and social workers will start asking probing questions! You will also attend a short preparation course at some point in Stage 1 or 2. Obviously I haven't started this stage so have no personal experience of it yet, only what the SW has told me.

My advice would be to get the initial interest form sent - we dithered for ages and looking back I wish we'd just got on with it. We had a SW come round to talk us through the process, who gave us 2 folders full of forms and "homework", as well as asking a few basic questions. At this point we could still take our time with the forms and send it when we were ready, but we were armed with much more information and the email address of a lovely social worker if we had any more questions.

Rainatnight · 01/03/2016 18:41

37 really not old Smile

I'm in a same sex relationship so not coming at this post IVF, but most of the people who were on our prep group were in that position so social workers are absolutely used to dealing with it. The questioning is definitely intrusive (I'm told! Start this Friday) and they'll want to know that you've processed your grieving for your loss but from what I hear it's done a way that's sensitive to your circumstances.

emz78 · 02/03/2016 08:34

Thank you lady's the is really helpful and have taken the edge off my worries, crazy cat ladee i will send off the forms today so hopefully the ball will rolling soon :) thank you again and good luck with all your journeys xxx

thefamilyvonstrop · 02/03/2016 08:48

Ah, I remember 37...you youngster, you!
As the others have said, key thing is to ensure you have processed your feelings of loss from not having a birth child. It never disappears totally but the sw will be wanting to see if you are emotionally ready both for the process itself and also for the role of parenting a child who has emotional needs that you will need to help them manage.
Good luck!!

Rainatnight · 02/03/2016 09:11

Emz, you might also want to think about going to a couple of information evenings with local authorities or voluntary agencies. We ended up not going with the LA whose info evening we went to, but it was useful just to see social workers, the other people involved etc. It would also give you opportunity to ask questions and so on

Rainatnight · 02/03/2016 09:11

And Italian thank you for the kind words, as ever!

Rainatnight · 02/03/2016 09:14

And Emz in answer to your question about what prep you could be doing, it's worth having a look at the Govt website (First4Adoption) I think it's called, which has loads more info about the process.

You could also make a start on some reading, as social workers will want you to do lots of that Smile I'm reading a good book at the moment called First Steps in Parenting a Child Who Hurts. Lots of people on here also recommend Dan Hughes.

GodMother78 · 02/03/2016 09:36

Emz we have our prep groups day coming up and we have been given quite a bit of background reading work to do. We are going with a agency of an LA due to lack of response from our LA, however the agency got back to us fairly quickly and have been very helpful so far.

emz78 · 02/03/2016 09:47

Again thanks so much for your feedback lady's :) we decided before our last ivf (5th at that point) that if i dint work we were going to seek adoption, so we kind of made that decision before our last cycle which definitely helped as we knew in our minds what the next step was going to be, also we fully believed that after all our years of efforts with ivf (specific diets, accupuncture, chinese herbs and so on) that if ivf didnt work we were definitely put here for a child that needed us, a special child in need of extra love. Is there anything medically that could be a blocker ladies? what test do we need to pass to progress? I will definitely look up some books and take a look at the adoption web site. Thank you all so much :) xx

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 02/03/2016 11:42

The biggest medical issue we have come across is BMI - our LA is pretty hot on it being under 30 (so "overweight" fine but not "obese") which I guess is based on them assuming you will bring up fat children.
DH is on a diet but BMI currently 33... SW said that wasn't so bad but he had had some people wanting to apply with BMIs of 50.

Another one is alcohol consumption- adoption is stressful so if you already drink to help with stress or anything then adoption might make you drink more!

Other than that it's more about whether you have any medical issues that would prevent you from being able to properly care for children such as mental health issues.

GodMother78 · 02/03/2016 11:57

Yes BMI is an issue on our medical questionnaire it says BMI over 30 they have to measure waist and hip ratio

emz78 · 02/03/2016 12:52

Great thank both, we had the same while going through the ivf process, i do agree with very obese but i also believe the BMI chart used i so out of date!!!!! but thanks for the heads up :) xx