random adoption chat

[Kewcumber]

Didn;t want to start a new topic just for this but thought a mindless drivel thread might come in useful for snippets without satrting new threads...

DS is five tomorrow can you beleive it? and I haven't broken him yet . I think its his best birthday yet - isn't 5 a lovely age for Xmas and birthday. Have also managed to be too maudling and not wept into my coffee yet (maybe tomorrow).

Oh dear Lilka, sounds as if you needed that rant.

Some people just don't have a clue and just say the most stupid things.

(((hugs))) and a slice of chocolate cake and a large glass, that makes most things seem ok.

Asleep!!! At not even 1! Um,

When GG has friends round, they go hyper and giggle loud enough to start an earthquake. Well, i say no more!! Two or three sleepovers per year, MAX. End of, full stop, no arguments! I like a healthy dose of stress, but some things are just too much

Oh, and also NO BOYS at said sleepovers. Her attitude in the last two days just triple confirmed that. I told you she discovered boys.. she has a crush on a nice rather good looking boy who lives next road over.. so what does a normal girl do? She maybe doodles their names together. She plans where they are going on their dates. And how to actually ask him out. And what to wear to impress him etc etc. But what does my poor GG do what with her history?? Well, she does the whole doodle names and compatability tests, but she is also already talking about going all the way with him and posting it online And she thinks he's ever coming for a sleepover? Ha bloody Ha Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..... [bash head in despair, frustration and why? emoticon]

Sounds like you're getting a much needed break maryz! Spend time relaxing and pampering yourself, like you deserve

Right.. been a few days now (and quite eventful at 'the crazy house' with a full scale teen meltdown etc!

How are you enjoying your week maryz?

GEM IS 25 TOMORROW!! I can't believe it! However, she phoned earlier, and told me she has a surprise for tomorrow! Hmm.. can't help wondering is she pregnant?

we'll see...

Hope everyone is having a good New Year, and resolutions are holding up! (well, except the 'no chocolate' one which i know you've broken already

I would *never be as foolish as to have a no chocolate resolution. I have resolved to do my utmost to have a happy year. DOing OK with that so far.

I am pleased you have had a good week Mary. Dont feel guilty, you deserve to have a bit of a relax and enjoy life for a bit.

I hope the time away has been good for DS, too. I am sure the lack of phone use is just a male thing. Here DH and DS are the same. If I ever get a text from DH it is one word! Yes or no! DS just never has his phone charged up or even with him!

Lilka, what was the news? Good I hope.

No chocolate resolution here, either. I wanted to get past 9am on the 1st January.

Well, I updated my blog with half the story... i made a New Years Resolution to keep one and update often

www.lilkaspage.blogspot.com

basically, I psyche myself up to hear she's pregnant.. then on the morning she phones and says there is a third person coming with her and DH..for a second i think 'yep pregnant!' then she mentions a food allergy and i realise an actual personal friend of DD1 is coming rather than the litte foetus i was imagining

So I think its 'Topaz' (one of her younger sisters) or her best friend.

But when the car pulls up, i don't recognise the third person for a few seconds.. then like a smack in the face it hits me 'oh my god, its 'Jewel' - her younger sister she only got into contact with in December!!!!

Who, incidently has still not told her parents, and stayed at DD1's house last night under the pretence of being at a friends sleepover apparently so they wouldn't suspect anything!

I was excited to meet her -shes very chatty, and opinionated, but polite. Although I got the impression that getting into an argument with her wouldn't be a great idea

We had a lovely dinner all together -DD2 and DS like 'Jewel' as well.

Now got to update the second half of blog

But not the surprise i was expecting!!!! (although a pleasant one nonetheless)

p.s if you read the blog, DD1 is 'Gem' DD2 is 'Georgous Girl/GG' and DS is 'Little Man/LM'

I honestly hope everyone had a slightly less exciting day! 'Cause it does get the nerves a good jangling!!

pps. I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE IS 25 ALREADY! Seems only yesterday she was turning 11 -her first bday with me

Wow, Lilka, your life is like a novel!

All very quiet at this end. dd1 is getting very excited about her upcoming wedding to her best friend (she is 5. So is he.) She asked me anxiously if boys are allowed to marry girls... She has been very busy planning my civil partnership, which should probably happen some time this year (and which neither of her mothers are busy planning). Clearly she still thinks that her family set-up is the norm and everyone else 'alternative'.

It's better quiet honestly!
And take it from me, my life isn't a novel- i just rarely write the boring stuff down

Of course if life were like a novel - I wouldn't be walking around with food stains on my clothes because tomatoe really doesn't come out, nor would my boiler be making funny noises, and my hair would stay a nice colour, and i would never need grey-hair-hiding dye!

Hi there,

I was wondering where tout a question, so thought I might try here and see if anyone is around.

Bear with me, a bit complicated...

About 20 years ago I was friends with someone who adopted a baby girl. All good. BUT the parents did not want the girl to know she was adopted, so did not tell her, even when they went on to have a baby naturally 7 years later. I know the girl did not know she was adopted by the time she was 13, but then lost touch with the parents, so not sure if she was told later.

Now, I discover that a work colleague who I mentor is engaged to this girl. She has a lot of "issues", which he discusses with me (part of my job is to be available for this type of thing). I know that if this girl knows she is adopted, it is quite likely that she is struggling and this could be the background to lots of the issues, but it has never been said that she is adopted, so I am not sure if she knows or not. (IYSWIM ) Is there a subtle way of me asking, without it being obvious that I know, and without letting him or her suspect anything in case they dont know? I have asked how she gets along with her parents, etc, but nothing forth coming.
It is none of my business, but I just wonder if I could help more if they know that I know, but only if she knows already. I certainly dont want to be the one to put my foot in it if she has not been told.
I only want to be able to help them both, if possible.
Any suggestions?

That's a hard one PA. Makes me so :( and when people aren't told

Now, I'm not sure how old this dates back, but although England issues new short birth certificates, the long ones are adoption certificates. They are different to long birth certificates. My childrens says the court they were adopted at and when, and on the bottom it plainly says it is a copy of an entry in the adopted childrens register, or something to that effect. Since you sometimes need to provide the long certificate for ID or job purposes..if she has seen it, she knows. I guess she may never have needed it, but i think she probably may have at some point, in which case she would have found out.

As for saying anything...respectfully, it isn't your place unless you are either a member of her biological or adoptive family, so i don't think you should say anything. She may not want anybody to know, and I would think she probably does know herself, although you can't be sure.

Its horrible anyone is even in this position

I hope she does fnd a way through some of her issues

Thanks for the reply Lilka.I do realise it is none of my business, and having an adopted daughter myself I know how sensitive I get about what other people know.
I suppose I am just coming from a weird angle as I just feel that I could be so much more help to her and her fiancee if she knew that I know, but I will keep as quiet as I have been and just be available if it ever comes up from that side.

On a brighter note we went for a family meal yesterday and got talking to a lady who we dont really know and she was saying how alike DD4, DS and DH were. DS is DH's biological son, so it was lovely to see DD preening to think htat she looks so much like them. She really does, though, which is really lovely.

Aaaw :) That sounds lovely!

I can;t really add much more PA than what Lilka has said - I think you are going to sit on your hands on this ones.

Nice story about your DD - I still makes me giggle the number of people who try to insist that DS looks like me (even those who know he is adopted) and as you can see form the profile pics - he really doesn;t look anything like me - though he is developing my mannerisms (obviously) and I think people are noticing that rather than a likeness IYSWIM

Have had a very sad day today, my lovely cat died last night unexpectedly - no illness, obvious injury. Have (slightly reluctantly) decided not to tell DS, he is rather insecure at the moment following my mums stay in hospital (I have been hospitalised twice in the past 2 years and the abandment issue if thast not too extreme a way of putting it, weren;t pretty) and am just not sure I'm up to explaining to him how its possible that a young and apparently healthy cat dies wihtout warning. He is not especially close to the cat as she was very nervous of loud noises and tended to give him a widish berth (though she could always be relied on to join in with teh bedtime stories for some reason). Have decided to wait for a few days and suggest that she has wandered off (like my mums cat does regularly) and is probably being looked after by another family.

Feel really uneasy about this approach but just can't deal with seeing him trying to process the cats death. Is that very cowardly of me? Is teh cat just disapearing worse than his having to get his head around the possibility of someone young/healthy dying? He currently think people who are very old die or if they have really big accidents.

I think its probably the best approach at this moment because he really does see the cat as a friend or sibling (as I know some children do) so I think will not feel particularly abandoned.

Lord knows - is there ever a right answer.

he really doesn't see the cat as a friend or sibling

its been a difficult day

Kewcumber, I'm so sorry to hear that. FWIW, I think your approach is best. I know we're supposed to tell our kids the truth and nothing but the truth, but when it comes to pets... well, cats DO regularly wander off and take up residence elsewhere, and you can always tell him later - when you think he's up to it - that in the end you found out the cat had died. Of course, he may have forgotten all about it by then.

Sounds like you've had a rough 24 hours.

I'm sorry :(

I had a lovely moggy many years ago now, when I had just moved out of my parents home. She was already 10 when I got her, and we had 7 lovely years together..she liked sitting on my lap and being petted. I had to have her put down after a long illness, and haven't had another cat since...felt it was almost disrespectful to her! Crazy I know. In a few years i'll adopt another hopefully.

And yes, this is the worst possible timing..poor DS, I hope he feels more secure soon Kew..and I hope you feel a little better soon as well

Adding to my stress levels my brother was a bit of an arse about my birthday last week - my mum was in hosptial (and too ill understandably to take DS to buy me a small present that he was expecting to do) and my brother cancelled lunch for my birthday on an hours notice with an excuse which it transpired was a complete fabrication. Obviously with my lovely Lola dying that seems a bit less important now but it just added to the general shitty-ness of my week.

And the final straw, social worker contacted me to arrange one of DS's post placement reports. No idea why it pissedme off but it did. Just can;t put a brave face on for her at the moment. Will reply next week when I'm feeling more positive.

Re cat news - I did think that I might (when I think DS is feeling more settled in a week or so) tell him the vet has rung and cat was hit by car and sadly couldn't be saved. Will think on it some more.

To be fair the post placement is a Kaz requirement. They changed it from about 4 (6 monthly for the first year then annually for the next 2 years) to annually until child is 18 . They changed it whilst I was in the process so I was going to back out on that basis at that stage.

My local SS charge £250 for overseas post placement reports (charging understandable) but my circumstances have changed and I'm not working so am going to be difficult and say to them "sorry no money" and see what they say.

I feel a bit guilty as I did sign up to them (though SS weren't charging at the time) but £250 out of the door just now would be a small disaster.

I had kind of decided that I would tell DSin a few weeks that the vet had rung and Lola has been hit by a car and killed. Keep fluctuating between not wanting to lie and not wanting to dal with possible fall out [coward emoticon]

Oh and I think my bro did think. I beleive he was punishing me for not calling him when my mum was admitted to hospital at 9.30pm but emailing at 10.30pm (not an emergency, she was conscious and fine and I told him so). His (ex) wife also emailed me telling me off for not letting her know directly so she found out from him and in future could I make sure that she was told.

Yeah well next time, you can all find out for yourselves. Good luck with that.

Hi there

Hoping for a little advice. Myself and DH have just had DD and DS placed with us yesterday. Although we dont desperately need the financial benefits that are available to us we have been told to apply for everything we can get, if nothing else this will give more money for the children to get enjoyment from in ways of trips and toys.

I was wondering if anyone could advise what it is you can claim for and when you can claim. Do you have to wait until the placement has been finalised with court or can you claim as soon as the children move in.