random adoption chat

[Kewcumber]

Didn;t want to start a new topic just for this but thought a mindless drivel thread might come in useful for snippets without satrting new threads...

DS is five tomorrow can you beleive it? and I haven't broken him yet . I think its his best birthday yet - isn't 5 a lovely age for Xmas and birthday. Have also managed to be too maudling and not wept into my coffee yet (maybe tomorrow).

It's still snowing here, and kids are loving it - well, they love chucking snowballs at the kitchen window and at me anyway. Won't they be pleasantly surprised (not) when they have to clean it back off the window

Also my Little Man wants to know why he can't open all the presents in the calendar straight away - he's very very annoying persistant. Well, two can play at that game I'm going to be 'persistantly' telling him to begin tidying away the toys scattered around the living room

Now, who can tell I rather like these new emoticon things !!

maryz -

I don't dare fill the calendar with chocolate!! Only the last 3 pockets have choclate in!

Now i reckon i'm pretty unusual in that we have only 1 calendar that is shared by DD2, DS and me as well. All their friends seem to get a calendar each filled with chocolate? Certainly they both seem to think i'm mean, but ah well, it's sharing and the spirit of christmas etc etc DD1 has got herself and her DH a chocolate advent calendar though asnd its rather a source of jealousy over here! What DS hasn't realised is that on christmas morning there will be a small stocking (more like a slightly large felt sock) filled with chocolate!! YUM YUM

And you know something else? ithink that if DD1 and your DD maryz, were to compete in a stropping competition, DD1 might win. She has in the past been known to start shouting at the sky when annoyed then stropping off when it didn't stop raining like she told it to I do tell this one to her embarrassment to various freinds/ her DH family etc. Another time when i decide to talk to her about her repeatedly trying to access, shall we say innapropriate, websites on the computer, she shouted at me for twenty minutes solid, then refused to say one word to me for the next 48 hours solid. The she wanted to go back on the 'puter and found out that that wouldn't be happening until we had a chat, at which point the silence was over

I'm sure you were lovely as a kid anyway mary! What karma?!

Like the idea of a random thread - have spent more time browsing on MN over past 3 days of not being able to get out of the house at all.........couldn't open the doors at first and only made it as far as the hens.
Good time for having time as a family - with teenagers it's often diffcult with their busy lives and ours. I think we've all benfitted from this enforced isolation.
Do share Kew's birthday sadness - have just had that 2 birthdays in same week so double dose! WOuld love to know is there anyone who has any evidence to suggest that cross cultural matching has or is likely to become easier - have friend who is intersted. Anyone's sw mentioned this at all?

I hear people saying transracial matches are possible now but must admit I've only come across it personally once in London and that was a hard to place sibling group. I think London SW are the worst though, if she's applying elsewhere she might have better luck.

I know BAAF (who are openly anti transracial adoption) had a report commissioned earlier this year to decide whether they should be more open to it - conclusion, despite accepting the consultants opinion/fact that BME childrne if matches are delayed will more likely end up unmatched forever - "we can't make our minds up" (I may be paraphrasing..)

'Can't make our minds up'... what a total bloody waste of a report!

Actually, i do know some adoptive parents who were turned down for a child because the SW felt they were too middle class and the child was from a very working class background - so there you go, happening already!

Yes have wondered about that class/family culture thing. at Le Creuset!
I was just hoping there might be some evidence of some change..........maybe too much to hope so soon.
Usual thoughts about children languishing (that often used but not exactly appropriate word) in care system gaining "hard to place" points in the meantime all because "wrong colour,culture,religion" etc etc. we weren't best or second best match for our children ,possibly third but certainly better than life in an institution as they are now old enough to articlulate! Even when knowing and loving the institution they came from!

drives me bonkers - I try not to let it because its so common and as DS can;t really read yet isn't too big a deal. Battersea park zoo has "adopt an animal" posters everywhere,you can't turn around wihtout seeing one.

Whats wonrg with "sponsor"? I guess it doesn't sound so cutesy

a popular standby for comedians - some funny line from parent to child followed by "thats OK you were adopted anyway"

Adopt an animal - one teacher at our childrens primary school dcided this would be a good idea - but not for long! yes i did have my say and it was clear she hadn't given a thought to what this might mean for those of us who knew what adoption really is.
Actually though far more upset was caused because many children thought the donkey was going to live in the school orchard. Not an unreasonable assumption on their part!
I have written to numerous organisations (those charities involved and adoption orgs)and clearly have got nowhere with this one! or those of you with younger children wouldn't have to face this one now. I suggested the use of the word sponsor but none of them have taken me up on it. I don't understand why.

oh i hate comedian lines and the 'i'm going to give you up for adoption' lines

And i guess a much better word is sponsor for tigers etc, but it doesn't bother me that much at all - in fact i tend to joke about it. Someone wanted us to 'adopt a hyena' I asked my children 'so if we adopted a hyena and took it to court to make it anothre brother or sister, how long before it would get bored and try to eat the judge?"

And I think adopt a cat/dog is the right word to use - you are taking it into your family which is what adoption is basically. I call it adoption anyway

Beemail - the reason they won't change the wording is because adopt sounds more emotionally involved and, especially when you are talking about dolphins etc, it sounds 'cuter' in a way than sponsor. It just tends to get them more interest in their services if they use the word 'adopt' rather than 'sponsor'

Yes you are right - this was the reason given by a couple of the orgs who replied. They felt it got more of a response than the word sponsor.
One adoption journal asked me if I'd put a letter in to see what response would be - more of the "maybe being a tad oversensitive variety" than "this is outrageous". To be fair our children don't have strong feelings about it. I think it's just that if we are of the 2adoption is forever" school of thought than anything that undermines this, and is aimed at children to be fair is one many of us couldn't just let go. Another one of those adoption challenges for some if not all!

I don't know, i get why it doesn't make sense but it doesn't get to me. if it bothered the kids, then i would be majorly annoyed!! but they don't care a bit

Today, we played the first christmas songs on our cd which gets played every year without fail! And we all danced round the living room waving hands in the air!

Unfortunately however for me the day was marred by a certain interfering busybody who knows that kids are adopted, and found out that i am ttc for my final child (have to go to clinic for AID etc). her comment was 'oh won't it be nice to have one of your own at last" Unfortunately again, i thought of all my good comebacks after she had left. Damn!!

what is a good response to 'oh won't it be nice to have one of your own at last"? It isn't generally relevant to me as I am generally accepted to be far too decrepit to actually get pregnant now . I think if I had got pregnant after DS I would have found it really hard but mostly becasue I would have felt very strongly about him being the only non-white in our house - At least this way we are nicely symetrical!

Grr, don't get me started maryz! i know.. the sheer ignorance is amazing! But my patience does run out.. anyone who asks why i don't 'send them back' is heading for a long vile stream of words screamed at the top of my lungs, or a slap.. or both!!

Actually writing that made me realise how far DD2 has come since arriving from care in the first place! When she arrived she was nervous, covered it by talking non-stop and usually all she talked about were totally inappropriate things to say especially in the middle of the supermarket! She would then get overwhelmed or have flashbacks and decend into a total wreck. Now at 14, she knows what she can't talk about in public, but we talk about it in depth at home..and i admit that that is so emotionally tiring and makes me feel ill...she also is able to calm herself, talk if she feels scared etc. She feels safe here

She also comes out with the funniest things. I told her she had to go to bed now.. she was tired so not really oppositional but she did make sure to tell me that i am "absolutely abominable" !! pmsl

Also i have finally arranged to see a counsellor re. my previous posts, and that will be later this week. Im very relieved i honestly can't wait to start talking! i feel so wound up with everything.

Kew how many teeth has your DS lost so far? We have another loose one here, so ill be another 50p out of pocket soon

I am not myself adopted and have never adopted a child, although I always said I would pursue that route in preference to IVF etc if I needed to. I honestly can't understand anyone who is so insensitive as to suggest that a childless family adopt an animal! Or that anyone would suggest that you might regret adopting when pregant with your second child. That is disgusting and I commend you if you were able to remain polite.
Growing up, I knew two families who had adopted a child and then become pregant. A friend of a friend is in the same position. She says that without her adopted daughter, she would not have the other two children and that this makes her love the first child even more.
A little girl in my five year old son's class was adopted last year. I have seen the wonders that her new family have done for her as she has gone from a child so scared of noise that she had to wear earmuffs to a happy, friendly girl. I also see the joy that she gives her parents. They are so wonderful and so are you.

I've done it the other way round: had a birth child and then adopted. I'm acutely aware of the family dynamics that we may have to deal with: our dds have different ethnic origins, one is a birth child and one adopted, one has an involved father and the other does not... This will be difficult enough to navigate, and I am preparing to physically restrain myself from throttling anyone who makes stupid comments about one being more 'my own'.