random adoption chat

[Kewcumber]

Didn;t want to start a new topic just for this but thought a mindless drivel thread might come in useful for snippets without satrting new threads...

DS is five tomorrow can you beleive it? and I haven't broken him yet . I think its his best birthday yet - isn't 5 a lovely age for Xmas and birthday. Have also managed to be too maudling and not wept into my coffee yet (maybe tomorrow).

Kristina - I've heard really good things about the OASIS WISE UP course forkids but I think 7 is the youngest they will take. I didn't realise there was a grown-ups version.

I have n problme with rude people its the nice ones I struggle with.

Oh blimey - I've started referring to myself as a "grown-up"

People mean well, but are just a bit clueless, aren't they??

I have been known to just look bemused and say "I need to speak to DD about that first, really". - We have never kept anything from her, so she does know, but other's don't need to know that!!

I have had people say 'Oh my God though, was he abused?' in front of DS.
But I live in East London and they can be a bit like that rahnd ere.

That was mostly when I was fostering him. I was always amazed that people would think I would share DS's information with randoms at play group

I am afraid I am not very polite. I dont usually have to actually say anything though.

LOL at kew

i find myself asking for " fizzy water" in posh hotels / bars

though i manage not to ask people " Did you flush the loo and wash your hands?" when they return to the table

If they want details on your dc's back story ask for details on their kids. What position where you in when you conceived [insert child's name]

Have also found it's been parents of childrens friends and qu have been more of the "x asked what shall I say variety"
Older child always been open about circs and has shared quite a lot with friends over the years so these qu from adults came shortly after starting primary when her friends had little idea of what adoption was and had asked their parents. These adults were sensitive enough to ask because they wanted to "get it right". I appreciated that but still differentiated between what was theirs to share as they chose and outling the basic mechanics of adoption and stressing the permanence. I suspected that many of these parents liked the idea of ICA, fancied doing it themselves but had imagined it to be........a little more straightforward.
Younger daughter chooses to share her circs with very few and there have been fewer qu from parents.
I think IME most people are genuinely interested/want to get it right rather than being insensitive in their enquiries. Have always stressed to our daughters that they have a right to privacy and can answer any question with e.g I'm sorry but I really don't feel that's something I want to share -there are things you may feel the same about
and change the topic of conversation. Roleplay can be useful. Not been a problem for them as far as I'm aware.

afternoon all.

Just had DS's medical at school (he goes to SEN school).

Feel drained and teary. It was fine and nothing awful but any bloody medical appointment or social services type thing still has the affect on me. I am such a wimpy weirdo these days.

Interesting though. DS was dx with ASD last year (at 7). I am not so sure. He has loads of ASD traits but he was also severely neglected for 8 weeks, had about 18 months of long, frequent, badly managed contacts with b.mum and then I was in and out of his life because DD was ill, then she died.

So I would like someone to consider that these small life events could just possibly have affected his attachment and neurodevelopment.

Nah. No chance, not any. Not interested. Although the paead told me she worked with Adoption and Fostering

Ironically I was on some training yesterday with the Parent and Infant Mental Health team and they are all over that sort of thing. They were fascinated by my lovely lad when I was chatting about him.

Innit weird? Sigh.

MrsDv - I get teary at any hint of anything good or bad related to DS, so I undestand what you mean. Somehow things which should be relatively routine (or at least seem to be to anyone else) take on a significance to me that seems disproportionate. I would say I'm working on it but I'm not sure that I am! I think I am just doomed to feel more intensely everything that DS does out of the norm - I think its probably still a hang over to the wanting to be the perfect parent for them in a way - I so want him to do well and be happy and just well run of the mill I guess! That seems such a bizarre aim for your child doesn't it - aspiring for them to be happy and unexceptional (I will get drimmed out of Kew mummies coffee mornings!).

I am not entirely surprised that even professional seem unwilling to accept that attachment disorder wmihgt be part of the problme - people are so quick to diagnose ASD and so rarely consider AD (perhaps becuase they see it less often).

Oh MrsDeVere, just take everything they said with a pinch of salt!!
You know your DS better than they and you know everything he has been through and how is coping, but also, how he is coping and being loved and cared for now. Dont let them get to you.

From experience, I know that if you don't fit into their boxes, they just have not got a clue! (well, most of them anyway, there are a few gems out there) Most of the time I havew gone along with these things and feel as if they are living out of some text theory book, which is just not real life for anyone, let alone a child who has had a rocky start in life.

I have also come across the professionals who have obviously read a book about children being abandoned in orphanages, given no care and they seem to think they have all the answers!!! (our DD was adopted from a Russian orphanage). I have perfected the inane smile, nod routine - then go back to reality!!!

Sorry, bit of a ramble, but un-MN hugs for you.

Just read your posts over "there" Mary. Very restrained and well said.

Would you care to share a rather large slice of chocolate cake and have a mutual calm-down??

Mrs DV I can sympathise..........the labels. Someone said to me treat them with cynicism but use them to get all the help you can. Guess that's what we did and saw a range of "medical professionals" a range of professions and a range of understanding but we did get help and they benefitted from some of it. The appointments though often left me feeling drained, anxious- trying to make sense of it all and the possible implications.
It does all seem so intense, agree with Kew about the reaction to ordinary things (sometimes thinking about the other lives they could have led, what brought them here etc - not arrogant enough to assume this one is necessarily better ! but birth parents don't need to consider these other lives do they) and amazing things ( so wish their birth parents could know of their achievements and wondering if I'm right in assuming they'd want to????)
Just so many things, so many unknowns which give us this extra dimension.
We hve though I would say settled into a calmer place as they've got older, no more dx, no more help from health professionals. they will be what they will be.

I know that ASD is/can be to a large extent 'the hidden disability', since I have aspergers myself, but honestly attachment problems and drug related developmental disabilities are so much more hidden - they may as well be non existant for all most people who profess to 'know about adoption and fostering' actually know about them.
And whilst a 'label' can be very useful in accesssing help, especially ASD, since finally most people are very educated about it, the wrong label won't help at all! Most discoveries about the brain and the effects of trauma on the brian are recent, and not very many medical proffessionals haaven't heard of it or heard of attachment disorders etc. It doiesn't help that of course lots of signs of both are similar, and it can get so hard to pick apart whats what - it's the best guess the particular person you're dealing with has got! And they tend to be trained or know about one area more than another - for instance, they know a lot about ASD, or about ADD/ADHD, or about [insert condition here]. ANd then they tend to notice the symptoms of that particular condition first and foremost because they know more about it, and then won't consider othr things! It's so frustrating when you know your child more than anyone and you know, just know, when something doesn't add up, and then when you aren't listened to, what can you do? You are supposed to acept that they know better, and shut up!
On the other hand, I have been accused of wanting a label! By someone who obviuosly thought that kids shouldn't be labeled because it gives them an excuse for bad behavior

I just went and found that 999 thread and read it - and i agree, maryz you were very restrained, more than I could have been anyway! And you are 100% right as well.

Slightly worse, it brought back a memory of the time i had DD1 with a big knife pointed at me But nowhere near as bad really, I was terrified but she wouldn't have attacked me unless I tried to restrain her - i was able to stay well away and talk her down over the following 3 hours or so. And I take my hat off to you maryz, because even when she was violent and hitting etc, I didn't have younger children, and i don't know how i could have coped if i had any - so masses of respect and a big virtual box of something chocolaty to you maryz

Thank goodness for people who get it.
Just reading your replies made me feel a little bit more relaxed

Whats this thread then *maryz' wot you been up to?

FFS.

Yeah - its all that simple.

I can only communicate via text atm with DS1. Its not ideal but at least its something.

People really are clueless.

I wanted to put this somewhere but until this thread I didnt really have anywhere.

When DS arrived he came with a tons and tons of stuff. My whole downstairs was full of laundry bags stuffed with damp or crispy clothes.

Once I had sorted though, nothing fitted him, nothing. I had to go out that night and get him clothes, milk, nappies everything.

Something that he did have was a whole box full of Disney tree ornorments (sp). The kind you collect and are found in the sundy supplements IYSWIM. Very expensive and 'limited addition'.

It was touching but at the same time a bit 'is this what she has been spending her money on!' (bear in mind I know her and also thought DS was only going to be with us for a limited time and go back to her).

Long story short - I thought this year would be a good time to get them out and use them on DS's tree. He likes a lot of the films and it would be a nice way of introducing a few things to him gently.

They fall apart in your hands! They are literally rubbish. Total crap. They have been carefully stored in original boxes in a safe place. As soon as you pick them up legs fall off etc.

Its almost surreal. It seems so much more than just a few bits of tat falling apart. She has only ever bought him these and some jewellery. She called a few years back just before Christmas and asked for it all back she 'couldnt tell me why but really needed them'.

But I kept them because I wanted him to have something from her. Now they are just a heap of plastic.

Its so sad.

Am I mad?

You SO GET IT Maryz!

I will keep them. they are his so I wont get rid of them. I have tried fixing them but as soon as you glue one bit another bit drops off!

I dread to think how much they cost her.

What was going through her head when she bought them? She must have started collecting them long before he was born. She has a thing about disney. She bought the pooh cot (she never got to use it) and has a nickname for him which is disney related.

I dont mean it all in a critical way. She was, in her way, preparing for the arrival of her baby.