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random adoption chat

222 replies

Kewcumber · 28/11/2010 20:12

Didn;t want to start a new topic just for this but thought a mindless drivel thread might come in useful for snippets without satrting new threads...

DS is five tomorrow can you beleive it? Shock and I haven't broken him yet Shock. I think its his best birthday yet - isn't 5 a lovely age for Xmas and birthday. Have also managed to be too maudling and not wept into my coffee yet (maybe tomorrow).

OP posts:
maryz · 08/12/2010 22:42

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thefirstMrsDeVere · 08/12/2010 23:07

Yes it is sad.

He was a doll to her. She got given a lot of money by SS and she spent it all on things she never was able to use. Cot - she was going straight into M&B unit, travel system - no car. I started a book for her, i wrote in it every day so she knew what he was up to (even though she saw him most days) she never wrote in it. She used to issue instructions via contact workers e.g. I was only to dress him in clothes from Next and Mothercare. (and I was to provide them) Not designer, but I suppose her idea of what babies wore, from baby shops. Who knows.

When he was born she went out and bought herself a gold 'mum' ring. For mother's day I bought her a blingy intial pendant (Ds's initial). They have the same initial, she thought it was hers not his. That I would buy her something with her initial on it for her first mothers day.

Just so sad and so hard to understand.

Lilka · 09/12/2010 07:44

MrsDV Sad DD2 has a lot of gifts as well, and some of them were so not right for an eight year old. But i think the only way DD's bmum had ever been communicated with was gift buying as well. So in her mind, the way to someones heart is to buy gifts, and the rest doesn't matter. And it does work for some adults, but a little baby needs so much more. And no real understanding of what a baby truly needs. I honestly think she was trying to fill the unfillable hole with gifts for herse;f and everyone Sad

Kristingle · 09/12/2010 11:50

i sense a bit of a theme here

DD1 came with a large collection of china masks. i cant find a link to show you, they are face shaped ornaments that hang on the wall. very fragile, totally unsuitable for a young child and IMO very creepy.My psychotherapy trained SW had a field day Grin

she also had many of these disney snow globe thingies, that play a tune when you wind them up

it was very symbolic of the completely dysfunctional relationship she had with her BM. Dd had to be a pretty little princess, dancing and entertaining in her pink sparkly dress. Keeping on her mask and never letting her feeling of anger, confusion and rejection show. And when someone/something more interesting came along, she got popped back on the shelf until next time her BM was lonely and missed her

Sad Sad

thefirstMrsDeVere · 09/12/2010 16:34

Sad I know the masks you mean, they are very creepy arnt they. LOL at the SW analysing that little pile of weirdness.

Its strange isnt it?

DS had bags full of greying vests and bobbly babygros. None fitted him. There was piles of the stuff. It was like she really didnt see that clothing him was her responsibility at all. Everything practical was bought with SS money. When DS came to us she took it as read that we would take over the expense and that she could dictate what we bought for her. She continued to claim and get child benefit and income support for many many months even though he had never lived alone with her.

Yet amoung all this was this huge box of very expensive, totally useless tat. It wasnt anywhere near Christmas either!

When she phoned up and told me she needed it all back I was stunned. I couldnt even reply. She had asked for the jewelery back before. She came round on his first birthday with this stuff and said that she didnt have a birthday present for him but she had got him this for the previous christmas. She gave it to me and said 'I want it back when it doesnt fit him anymore'. I was again just too stunned/confused to get into a discussion with her.

She also had a load of those horrible studio photos done of herself on her own! None of DS even though she could have as we were fostering him and she had contact 4 times a week. They cost her about £600 Shock. She had this level of contact for about a year before it gradually decreased and she didnt take one single photograph, not one. That was my job as well apparently.

I know why she is the way she is to a point. I know her background. I know I probably sound heartless when I talk about her. I am not. I do care but I think I have quite a lot of stuff to work through. I didnt have the chance because of DD getting ill. Maybe one day we can get together again on some level. Who knows?

PositiveAttitude · 09/12/2010 19:50

It has been really interesting reading all your posts about the "stuff" you have for your DCs. Our DD has a bag of crappy orphanage clothes. They are all foul and have obviously been worn by loads of children. She only ever wore tights and a vest, no dresses, tops or anything else.

I always felt so sad that DD would never have that link with her past that I assumed others would have. In a really selfish way, its helped knowing that what you have seems to be no better than what we have!! (I don't mean to sound heartless towards you) At least we have a reason why the Russian orphanage were so rubbish at thinking about these things, which will be easier to explain than some of your belongings! Sad

maryz · 09/12/2010 19:56

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kristingle · 09/12/2010 20:02

mary - it was a type of advert - a random comment not really related to the thread, with a link to an American website selling book/services ( i think) on childhood disorders.

what do they call it - social marketing? viral marketing?

I reported it and MN Towers kindly deleted it. Unfortunately it still has the effect of bumping that thread Sad

hester · 09/12/2010 20:23

dd arrived from foster care with bags and bags and bags of clothes, toys, nicknacks... But not her life story book or the things that were given to her by various members of her birth family. FC is withholding those until we allow access to dd.

I am outraged by this. SWs don't seem to be doing anything about it.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 09/12/2010 20:30

Hester Shock.

That is disgusting.

hester · 09/12/2010 20:38

She did it with her previous charge as well. They've not recovered that stuff either.

I'd better not say anymore on here, but believe me I'm fuming...

Original poster
Kewcumber · 09/12/2010 21:37

PA - we have precious little too (same situation) I have a strip of paper with his name from his locker and a glass bottle of keffir which they gave us to leave with. Mind you I was lucky to spend lots of time with his carers and we have photos of him with them and hewas definitely cared for so I can at least tell him that. It does allow you to be a little more sentimental about birth parents though - the absence of evidence to the contrary.

Mrs DV - noone here thinks you are heartless here - there is no contradiciotn at all in my view with feeling anger about how your child was cared for yet feeling sad for the child his BM once was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kewcumber · 09/12/2010 21:38

hester Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
Kewcumber · 09/12/2010 21:39

I'm a bit militant once you have PR I'd threaten to take her to court in your DD's name - you can;t keep stuff that doesn't belong to you - pure and simple theft.

OP posts:
Lilka · 09/12/2010 22:03

Hester Shock That is absolutely disgusting! Kew is right - she is stealing your DD's things! Things from BP's could mean so much do your DD when she's older - how could anyone hold that to ransom? Angry

hester · 09/12/2010 22:50

Yes. As I see it nobody, absolutely nobody - not even me her mother - has the right to keep those things from dd. There is a lot more going on, actually, which I won't go into on a public forum, but I'm thinking I may have to complain about the sw. Which I absolutely don't want to do - she's not a bad person - but my loyalty is to my dd and I have to get things sorted for her.

The sad thing is that the fc is doing this in order to try to ensure she gets to see dd in the future, which I have always been very happy to do. But of course her behaviour is making it harder and harder for me to see that positively. A shame, because she was so loving and caring to dd and I feel I owe her so much.

Lilka · 09/12/2010 23:11

So she has blindly and desperately tried to do everything she can without seeing the consequences? Sad I have not met one fc who did not love their lo's - but love can make you so foolish

Uh oh - My DD2 is talking non stop about a lovely BOY she likes likes Shock She wants to go out with him. She sings his praises. She has doodled their names in love hearts all over a page in her diary which she showed me...her school gave them their first career quick talk earlier this term, but i don't recall them mentionning 'a nun' as a career option? Someone rectify this situation NOW Grin Wink

PositiveAttitude · 10/12/2010 06:59

Kew, I agree that we have the advantage of being able to say a little bit about the BP without telling lies and with no evidence against them. I have always tried to be as positive as possible, especially considering the circumstances of her birth, which we do know and she does too. I just hope that this doesn't come back to haunt her and us if she ever manages to find her BP. We have also, obviously started to warn her of possible non- positive reactions from her BP.

Lilka, how old is DD? If she is anything like my older DDs she will have exchanged affections for another boy next week! Grin

Lilka · 10/12/2010 07:42

My DD2 is 14 PA

PositiveAttitude · 10/12/2010 08:44

Oh, Oh Oh what fun!!! It brings back all the memories of swinging moods and heartbreaks!!

Good luck and enjoy!!

maryz · 10/12/2010 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilka · 10/12/2010 17:08

Yes, i was kinda hoping to delay all this boy stuff for while, as you can tell Xmas Grin She is very much about 10 or 11 emotionally so i thought maybe ill get away with boys for another year? But no!

On another note, i wonder, wouldn't it be best if foster carers were nearly always given first option to adopt? Every move a child makes hurts them hugely, even if it is a move to loving adoptive parents. It would be better for the child if they could have one less move. So maybe a system more like the US, where you have some people doing just adoption, some just fostering, and some dual approved and foster until such time as a child they are fostering becomes available for adoption, and if that should happen, they choose whether to adopt that child or not

Kristingle · 10/12/2010 17:30

hester, I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult. I agree with the others that what the FC is doing is TOTALLY out of order

However, i would strongly advise you not to make any compliant about either the SW or the FC until you have an adoption order in your hands and you are sure that you will never want to adopt another child.

I know several people who have made ( prerfectly legitimate) complaints about SWs. In one case the complaint was upheld by the body that scrutinises and inspects social services departments and in another case by a judge in court. VERY BAD THINGS happened to all of them.

You will not cross them and emerged unscathed. Please don't do it until you DD is safe.

I now await a deluge of new posters telling me i am scaremongering / their auntie is a Sw and she's a very nice person/ SS have a proper complaints procedure and you must use it. blah blah blah

maybe it will bring NN out of hiding and you will all be cursing me Grin

maryz · 10/12/2010 17:53

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PositiveAttitude · 10/12/2010 19:46

Not scaremongering at all!! We had an official complaint against our SS when we went through our adoption. It all got really nasty and although we knew we were right it did seem more trouble than it was worth at times.

After the complaint we were given a private SW, who was just lovely and had a whole different attitude to us and the whole issue. Her manner was lovely. She did as she said she would and didn't double cross us as the others had. Totally different. We did consider going through the whole process again, but we would never have trusted the SS after what they did with us and we would have needed their backing, even if we had gone the private route ultimately with the SW.

So, no dont complain unless you know that you wont need them again!!

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