random adoption chat

[Kewcumber]

Didn;t want to start a new topic just for this but thought a mindless drivel thread might come in useful for snippets without satrting new threads...

DS is five tomorrow can you beleive it? and I haven't broken him yet . I think its his best birthday yet - isn't 5 a lovely age for Xmas and birthday. Have also managed to be too maudling and not wept into my coffee yet (maybe tomorrow).

Oh hester that sounds like a difficult situation.

I use the week of introductions as the "stepping back" time, I encourage the new family to do everything for the lo and I have a rule for myself that is: to pick lo up if lo needs or wants picking up but not just because I want to pick them up, if that makes sense.

Please pm me if you need to talk through your fc's issues, I'm happy to listen

Thank you EMIN, I'll do that. I'll really appreciate your advice

My pleasure, look forward to hearing from you hester

Lordy, wht a busy week!!! I'm less tired now than yesterday, but today has been a big room blitz for DD2 and DS. So my question for all of you is - what is the worst/most disguating/most embarrassing/odddest thing you've ever found in a dc's room?? Because i've found several things in her room today that made me go Although for teh most part it's quite tidy -she just stuffs the mess away where it can't be seen

As for the sibling front - its all going off now, which is why i've been absent for a few days (that, and the cleaning). DD1 was very receptive to our chat, took my advice and at that time decided to wait a while, although she searched online for information about her sib and found her school pages, her home address on maps, looked at comments sib had made on various pages etc etc.

However, she did tell the other two adult sibings she has. And she came over on Friday because one of them did make contact with teh sibling. And this sib seems quite happy to hear from them all. So DD1 now has this sibs mobile number and sib has started texting DD1. So they are chatting for the first time ever! DD1 is excited, still a little confused, basically so many emotions at once. I believe they have phoned each other as well. i have no idea what the other parents know, or if they even know at all etc, and i'm worried and happy at the same time. Fingers crossed please

My other question is - although DD has a cojnsellr she sees for other issues, and this can be brought up there, are there any organisations that can provide counselling for her that is reunion speciifc? I wonder can he get any considering this sib is under 18? i thought counselling was only for adults in reunion? So i'm a bit confused. Anyone know of anywhere that can help her??

"a cojnsellr"
I mean a counsellor!!

Anyone? Or have i killed this thread dead

For me it was the christmas just before i realised adoption was the way i could have a family - the next christmas i had just been approved and had something to hold onto, but the one before i was depressed and didn't enjoy a thing. And yep, as hard as DD1 has been at times in the past at christmas, nothing can compare to that christmas ever. Because at least when DD1 was at her worst, I wasn't alone!

What i have found in her room is (big dramatic cough inserted here) :

1. 2 items of clothing stolen from some shop, she stole them way back last spring apparently (I believe her since i remember seeing those things in the shops then)

1. Rotten old apple cores

1. A load of pornographic pictures, I mean like between 150 and 200 of them

1. A sex toy - no idea where its from and how she got hold of it!

1. Some old underwear that ddin't make it into the washing basket

1. A toy trian of DS, that she stole from him because he hit her once when he got hyper

1. A large pool of water in a tub - turns out that she brought snow in in a tub to test how long before it completely melted?! (why!?)

Yep, i definitely hope that the sibling tells her parents - i have a feeling that its being put off because its right before christmas - why couldn't they have waited till January?

And finally, i was surfing through lists of songs to put on to a cd for the car, and found a list of country singers. i decided that Martina Mcbride sounded great so I downloaded one of her albums. All great, but I didn't know what 'Concrete Angel' was about until I listened to it, with the music video on. Cue DS asking me why i was sitting there sobbing. i have never cried so hard at a music video ever. Think i frightened DS a bit - had to give him a cuddle to reassure him i was ok

Boo! - bumping up again!

I forgot to say, DS was a shepherd in his nativity play, and he loved it! That brightened my week! His costume fell apart literally almost as soon as he left the stage. Sewing things together is not my strong point

Merry Christmas everyone.

Merry Christmas

DS surrounded me with crap with morning. DD2 didn't get to sleep unitl gone 2 and was upset and anxious and needed lots of hugs (this happens every christmas eve night)

They love their pressies though - now, soon it'll be crack ob with christmas lunch time (groan)

Merry Christmas Everyone

maryz - I was awake before DS this morning though I pretended I wasn't because I love him waking me up on Xmas morning with that note of excitement in his voice. Five is such a great age for Christmas.

I'm so lucky - we even went to church this morning

Hi everyone, I hope you all had a good few days.

Will you allow me a little rant? please feel free to ignore, I just couldn't actually say this to anyone in RL because I know they would not understand and would think I ma a terrible mum!!

As I have said on here (I think), after 9 years of a rocky relationship between DD4 and me, over the past 3-4 months things seemed to have got so much better. She has never coped well at all with family times and it has been when she has been her most trying with her behaviour. I think I had been lulled into a bit of a false sense of "normality" or something, but have been hit with her being a total pain in the ass all over the Christmas period. She has an uncanny way of making me feel and look like the villain. She has blatantly lied to me. One thing that she seems to relish in is getting the other DC to side with her against me and the cherry on the top for her is if she can get me and DH to disagree argue because of her!! Well, she has done the lot!!!

She manages to stay serenely calm and aloof all the time while causing devastation to anyone around her. WHen told off, its like water off a ducks back and she never shows any remorse or understanding about how others may feel upset. And 99% is aimed at me!!!

It hit me harder because I had not expected it, I suppose. After living like that for 9 years, it was the norm, but I had been enjoying a new, nicer norm. I feel a total failure again and hate feeling like this!

I am also pre-menstrual, so maybe I will feel better tomorrow.

Sorry for the rant!!!

Hugs PA

I think you are a great mum and feeling rotten is to be expected considering what's happening right now!

But yep, IME bad things happen right after a lull of good behavior and you are suddenly unprepared for it - a few months ago, handling it would be much easier because you are weathered by it and sort of know what you are doing but after a few months of nothing happening you can start to forget some of the worst things - focus on the here and now and then BAM! It happens again and suddenly its ten times harder to deal with than it would have been a few months ago because you.ve got used to the good behavior!

Anyway, lots of cyber support coming your way

I might soon be ranting myself, as DD1 is mentioning a visit from this recently found sibling (whose parents still don't know!). How do i handle that??

Thanks Lilka. Today has been slightly better, but then Dh is back to work, so she hasn't got him in the mix to work on!!

Oh dear about the possible sibling visit. Do you know the parents? Is the sibling old enough to make her/his own mind up? It was sort of going to be a bit inevitable really, wasn't it? Her/his parents must be aware of that, surely? A bit naive to think that they can be kept apart when there is so much information now with facebook etc.
Hope it all pans out ok, with no bad feelings. Are you concerned about DD getting hurt (emotionally, I mean)?

No, i do not know the parents, apart from a one letter contact about 13 years ago in which i requested contact and they refused - they seem to feel sibling will never need to know any information about first family members. Obviously they've now been proven wrong since sibling seems delighted to get to know brothers and sisters! This sibling has just had a birthday and is now 17 (but was 16 at first contact). So old enough to make own mind up unless they are somehow emotionally delayed but i'm not getting that impression.

When this sib was adopted and indeed when i adopted DD1, facebook did not exist, there was no real concept of inevitable contact before the age of 18. The world has changed since then and I think that the parents may not have caught up yet.

And yes, I am scared of DD1 getting hurt. She will have to find her own way through this with me and her DH backing her up, she is a 24 year old now, but she is certainly not immune to heartbreak etc! She seems to be getting on well now, but i worry if she gets cut off or what will happen when the parents find out (that is inevitable also!).

All i can do is cross my fingers and be there. We'll see. Expect to see me back here going 'OmiGaawwd Help' if this goes wrong

I'm really glad today has been better for you, hope tomorrow is better as well

I am so pleased to read that things are looking up for you and DS Maryz. Enjoy this time and long may it last.

Lilka, you were totally right earlier when you said about the timing and me relaxing. I am normally prepared now for bad school holidays and although I love having my DCs home and around the place DD4 has been at her worse, and then wrenched it up about 10 notches when DH is around as well.

Yesterday she was a lot better during the day, she went to the cinema with a friend (she NEVER sees any friends out of school, so this was really good for her)BUT, the second DH came in from work hell-child returned (can I write this here without SS being called????). So we spent the evening with me with DS and DH at the other end of the house (big house) with DD4 and her being all nicey nicey with him and being foul with me when I tried to communicate with her. Its all a jealousy thing, I know and I need to be adult about it. I have lived with it for years, so no surprise other then the fact that I thought we had got through and out the other side. Hopefully this will just be a little blip and we will go back to how she was within the next few days.

I hope it is a blip too

If she is being nice to one parent and foul to the other, you might try being a 'united front' as in you pretend you are the same person. If she says something horrid to one of you then by extension she has said it the other as well, because you are one, if that makes sense. I do know of one couple who used that tactic and it stopped a lot of the horridness to one parent because the child didn't want to upset the other parent

Anyway, I hope today is good as well. Peace is back to my house for the moment, i know it won't last for long, but whilst it does i am going to enjoy it..aaahh, long baths and trips out and relaxatiooonnnnnnnn.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Just popping in to wish a Happy New Year to you all

YEs, Happy New year to you all.

Mary, I hope your good Christmas has continued and you are still relaxed.

Happy New Year to you all

Well Don't you just love it when people offer up to you their wrong and unwelcome opinions about you and your families private matters!

Someone I know also expressed their not very welcome thoughts on our contact with GG and LM's first mother. Whilst in reality the contact we have is personal, some people are under the impression that it is public for discussion. This person basically said 'oh why would you write long nice letters, why would you keep in contact with her, she doesn't care, she isn't a 'real' mother, why would you even want your children to love her, there's a reason they don't live with her' blah blah blah. I just love how people who know nothing think they know everything!

So here's the truth. She is a real mother, she loves them and GG certainly loves her! Why should I object to that? I am not an insecure person in general. We are not in competition. As I say, we don't compete against each other, we complement each other! We have different roles, important to our children in different ways. And what arrogance and stupidity to say that our children should not love her! Love is perhaps the greatest thing in the world - the more people love you, the better off you are. I want the best for my children, therefore I want them to be loved, and I want them to love both themselves and others. Lack of love is a terrible thing. Rant over.