random adoption chat

[Kewcumber]

Didn;t want to start a new topic just for this but thought a mindless drivel thread might come in useful for snippets without satrting new threads...

DS is five tomorrow can you beleive it? and I haven't broken him yet . I think its his best birthday yet - isn't 5 a lovely age for Xmas and birthday. Have also managed to be too maudling and not wept into my coffee yet (maybe tomorrow).

On another tack, I'm aware I've been struggling with an increasing level of guilt: that I'm not being a good enough mother for dd2, that she's not happy... She is generally of a sunny disposition, but over the last few weeks has had various colds, teething etc, and has been quite grouchy and clingy. Which I find tough, particularly with another child to look after.

I think I was also a pretty crap mum at times to dd1 when she was tiny (sleep deprivation, probably some PND) but I don't think I experienced this level of guilt. I just feel horribly aware all the time that this little mite has gone through so much already, and is now depending on me to turn her luck around.

It's early days - she's been with us only a few months. Are these feelings normal? Do they settle?

"and is now depending on me to turn her luck around." - no she isn't she is depending on you to be her mother. And that doesn't mean mother teresa!

I think we probably all understand the "responsibility" angle of things and particularly in teh first year or so when your sense of responsibility is more developed than your bond. I was soooo aware of the heavy burden of responsibilty to "get it right" with DS. I have no idea when this became a more normal feeling of guilt but it did. And it does feel much more "normal" now. My job is to love him and be his motehr and provide him with a stable home that he didn;t have before. Any luck or "turning around" or whatever you want to call it is really down to fate/genetics and possibly a bit of my dabbling but really mostly I'm here to love him and be his family.

Thanks, both, you talk a lot of sense It's been a tough couple of weeks, and I have just eaten my bodyweight in honey roasted cashews and am now feeling very sick . Think I'd better heave my nauseous carcass and my over-developed sense of guilt off to bed.

Yes it's often said in adoption circles that we need to be "good enough parents" rather than perfect but I'd agree in the early stages it's hard not to feel very self critical. I think with all that the home study involves we're somehow expecting to be better than good enough.
Every day is a new day though. Sometimes they will be unhappy for reasons way beyond your control. Illness as you have experienced being one and sometimes in my experience amazingly happy when your input has been minimal. The burden of responsibility is a common feeling among adopters and some would say a distinguishing feature of adoptive parenting.
Hope today has been better

Hellooooo.

I used to sponser a child in Peru. At the time it was referred to as fostering

Its been changed now.

Being perfect is more impossible than growing another two heads!! But yes, it takes a while to feel that, and i wanted to be the best person who had ever looked after her, better than all her previous foster carers - and they were wonderful and brilliant with her!! Aftr a while, I decide that actually yeah, if you are good enough, and the best you can be most of the time that's just great! The kids certainly don't care about the off days once they are done they are done! Don't beat yourself up hester - you are a positively GREAT mum to your beauty

Mrs DV - there are adopt-a-family projects that definitely get run. And guess what - it's sponsoring!! And i have to say that it does make me angry because i find that pretty condescending to the families

Maryz, i am absolutely sure no one could ever have done better than you with your DS1

I have been reading this thread form the start and have wanted to join in, but felt a little shy.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I totally understand what you said in your last post Mary. (we have "spoken" before) I have 4 birth DC and one adopted. I don't give too much thought to mothering the eldest 4, (I'm their mum, no questions, if you don't like it, tough!! ) but feel pressure to "do it right" with DD4.

Hope it's ok to jump in here like this.

hi and welcome positiveattitude

of course its fine to jump in, we are a very friendly bunch on the adoption threads . well most of the time. and always to adoptive parents

however we have been known to chew up and spit out condescending or arrogant social workers

Thanks for the welcome.
I am up for any social worker bashing!! Me?? I'd be first in the queue with fists ready!!!

Hi Mary, yes things have definitely settled down here. DD4 was a nightmare between the age of 5 and 13. I was dreading her becoming a teenager, then she suddenly became nice!!!! Sort of living in an unrealistic mist at the moment, waiting for it all to come crashing down again, but I am beginning to relax and enjoy it!

Mary mary mary, its a "f" darling not a "h", repeat after me - f f f.

Hi PA!
Well, what an evening i'm having. DD2 has decide she isn't going to bed! I am going to be my nice usual therapeutic self...hopefully

Good morning to all! DD2 eventually got to bed, and shes bouncing around this morning - and i thought teens were supposed to be all about lie ins and i won't get up?! Shes also managed to chuck coco pops all over the kitchen floor.
DS has lost his tooth! So thats me 50p down tonight, if i remember to collect it!

Mary , is that you using norty words again. Tut tut

We are snowed up here. One child off nursery with a d and v bug, the others off school as it's it's closed.dh working from home, after spending 5 hours trying to get to work. We had to go and rescue him after train broke down

Neighbour spent all night in a hotel foyer as she was stranded on her half-hour journey home from work

We are lucky to be stuck at home with plenty food, file and things to do. Like mumsnet housework

Hi again.

Mary I have been sticking up for you on that other thread earlier! If I wasn't such a wimp I would have gone for the jugular on that one poster!!

Anyway, seen as this is a random thread (adoption related I know, but can I forget that for a moment). I really need to type something because I just need to get my head around it...........

DD2, who has recently turned 18 has just walked through the door with her lip pierced!! .

I know, I know in the whole scheme of things this really is a tiny thing, but I am so shocked. We have always said that when the DCs are 18 they can do what they want, but you never think they will actually do it, do you?? Or am I just living life in my little utopia bubble!

Flippin heck, I do not know what to say!! What on earth will DH say? DD2 has text him and told him, just so that he does not have the shock when he gets home. What on earth will my parents say? I don't really care what the in-laws think, but that's another story.

Sorry, I just needed to offload. I know I ma being incredibly precious!!

you are not being precious, i would HATE it too

is you DD doing it to annoy you, or do her friends have piercings?

I'd have a shock if DD1 at 24 came to visit with a pierced lip i can tell you that PA!! Doesn't seem to be her thing though, she's a baby pink, soft colurs, no piercings type.. hopefully she'll stay that way
I wouldn't bother about what poeple think either! If people complain about DD2's look somtimes i just pretend that i like it as well, just to annoy them!

Oh lordy PA - well what can you do, just smile sweetly I guess.

Any advice about other school parents who want to discuss adoption in front of DS. A Japanese school friend of DS came to play and his mum stayed because he hadn't been before and was obviously desparate to discuss DS's adoption - she is good friends with a mutual friend who was around whilst I was travelling to Kaz so no opportunity to keep it private.

I stuck to answering her questions in a very nondescript way that DS has heard before as I didn;t want him to hear me saying to anyone £we don;t discuss that its private" as he doesn;t currently appreciate the subtle difference between private and secret.

Should I have answered her questions or found a way to say "I prefer not to get into detials now". The added problem is that her English isn't fluent (pretty good but not fluent) so I'm not sure she would have picked up on the point.

She didn't actually ask about birth parents but others have in the past. Why on earth do grown adults think its appropriate to ask what you know about birth parents in front of the relevant child I just don't understand it.

I think perhaps I need to practice saying "we don't discuss that outside the family" - any advice?

if anyone asks about birth parents / background, i would just say somthing like

" i'm afraid that's DSs information, its not really mine to share. You'll need to ask him when he's older"

I found teh W.I.S.E. course really helpful ( wish i coudl remember what the letters stood for!!)

broadly, you can

educate - just give a general answer, as if they had asked " why do birth parenst reliquish children?" rather than " Why didnt his birth mother keep him?"

share - give personal information. Obviously only applies if its YOUR information and not your childs

ignore - often good for kids, especially if the question is asked to annoy them rather than as a genuine question

say its private, in some way or another. I am more of less direct, depending on the circumstances

i agree that its hard, especially when the person obviously doesn't intent to offend

People have in the past asked about kids bp's - don't know why they think they have the right to ask!! Thank God no one has ever asked in front of them, especially DD1, sice she is terrified of them - what a disaster it would have been. but they have asked just me. I say that's private and totally her story etc. they usually realise their error at the look on my face anyway!
So yep, my advice is just go with the 'its private' line.