Estranged daughter 29 is pregnant

[karesalot]

Its a long story which I will keep brief. I'm a 54 year old female.
I divorced my now ex-husband in 2009, We had 3 children together. At the time their ages were 15 (Boy) 12 (Girl) and 9 (Girl).
I have since been happily remarried since 2012.
For the last 9 years I have been estranged from my eldest daughter who is now 29. She refuses any contact with me. When I last saw her she was 20 and our meeting was very strained. She afterwards denied me any contact- this was based on the fact that a) she doesnt like my new husband and b) the fact that her younger sister, now 26, has (through her own choice) had no contact with her father since she was 9.

My eldest daughter now lives and works abroad and has done so for 9 years, and has no intention of returning to the UK / living back here, other than returning for short visits to visit her Father.
She also has had a very strained relationship with her younger sister and they barely have spoken over the last 5 years or so. But she has just messaged my youngest daughter (who lives with me) telling her she is pregnant.
She is apparently very happy which is good to hear but I am concerned about her and just want to be there for her during her pregnancy. But I made her a promise 9 years ago to not make contact and to respect her boundaries as she said that was important. Not only have I done this but I also have no way of contacting her as she has changed her number, blocked me from all social media and I dont have her address or email. So I have not made any contact with her for 9 years now. On discussing with my younger daughter she said that the older one would not have let her know about the pregnancy without her accepting that I am going to find out from her. So I am in two minds whether to contact her and send her a message using the phone number for her which my youngest daughter now has. I want to let her know I am thinking of her and wish her all the best for her pregnancy with no strings attached and no expectations - but if I contact her I feel I am breaking the boundary which I promised and have stuck to all this time. so I really dont know what to do.
I have a very fractured and extremely poor relationship with her Dad (whom she is still very close to) and short of asking him what to do or what she would want - which to be honest I dont want to do as would rather keep him out of it - then I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd really appreciate peoples thoughts ideas etc.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation with your daughter. I’m the estranged daughter in my family. I agree with others about your youngest daughter asking permission to share and you then send congratulations via your youngest.

I had been estranged for two years when I fell pregnant and that did spur me on to re establish contact as I wanted my child to have grandparents. All of us tried for about 5-6 years and then it all went wrong again and the protectiveness came out and I shut them out again as I didn’t want my child to be exposed to their indifference and that money was a proxy for a relationship.

If the door opens again with your daughter listen closely to what the triggers were and then really try not to repeat them. If it was to do with communication/ communication style ask without judgement/ justification what she would need to be different. When a child walks away it’s very hard on both sides and as the estranged child there is part of you that longs to have a “normal” relationship but if you are made to feel like less compared to siblings, to choose between parents (even if there is abuse) or criticism for your choices you don’t want to expose your own child to that so you close the door.

That said, I now have had a message my mother is terminally ill which is far earlier in life than expected and it’s not easy to navigate and on reflection perhaps low contact would have been better than none as it is hard “going back”. And to the people thinking I’m considering contact for the will….she has very little…anything she has would go to my dad and I would feel extremely uncomfortable even with a token item being offered.

I hope for you both that if you can keep to her boundaries she might come back to you as she becomes a mother herself.

She must have been around 18 when her mum met her boyfriend - what age do people’s children need to be before it is considered acceptable for that person to find love again?

I’ve seen posts on here from women in their 30s unhappy that their mum has met someone and determined to exclude the poor sod in every and all ways imaginable.

Leave her be. Don't try and ask your younger daughter, to act as a go between
If your eldest wants contact, she'll get in touch.

If the Daugther was 12 when the OP divorced and she re married 3 yrs later it would make her 15

Totally agree with this. I had an estrangement with my own mum for a while, and I was the one to end it, but it could also have been her. Someone has to be the first. If you are the one who has ended contact then it can be really easy to get stuck in that position, even when you might actually want to make amends.

I suggest reading her posts more carefully.

Genuine question? Why would it be "classic narcissistic move" to ask the little sister to pass on a message? What is inherently narcissistic about it?

And the father moving in with his affair partner, the one that broke her parents up? That's ok presumably? Because the daughter doesn't have any issues with that apparently.

And people can see nuance without meaning they're estranged from their children, what a leap.

I can only speak for my own situation, but I made it clear to my mother that I wanted no further contact with her, unless in a specific situation then in which case, my door would be open. That was a situation that could only initiated by her. It never happened and we never spoke again. Shes dead now.

Becoming a mother myself only reinforced my decision to have no further contact with her.

You’ll get some reply about not respecting boundaries, making her daughter’s news all about herself, using her daughter as a flying monkey 🙄 or some kind of variation of that.

But at the end of the day, people who find themselves estranged from their kids following a divorce, in the absence of abuse, are not going to stop trying to reach out to child. There is nothing narcissistic about that, it’s a completely natural and understandable.

Op, life is so short. I don't understand posters telling you to leave it alone.
Pregnancy does something fundamental to you, you start to think about your family as a child and feel this need to belong yourself and family love for your child.
Maybe her contacting your other dd is her way of reaching out to you. I could/would not be able to just let it go.
I would ask, via your other dd how she is and tell her your congratulations and that you love and miss her very much.
You have 0 to lose

Irespective of what has happened or not, now while she may be full of pregnancy hormones and emotional ( I know I was a hormonal mess) is not the time to reach out.

She would have been around 15 when the BF became a husband. Tricky age.

And how are you going to feel when your child/children go NC with you?

@karesalot
Ensure your other daughter knows how pleased you are for you older daughter- just say it and leave it at that. You know it will get back to your estranged daughter.

Then, I would make up a care package for the baby to send as soon as you know the birth went okay and mum and baby are well.
Send a special baby blanket, maybe have name and dob embroidered in it, a stuffy, and a few lovely outfits. Add a note of congratulations, how happy you are and that you'll always be there for her.
Then leave it for now.

All estrangements are different and posters shouldn't project their own on to this situation. Many are valid and irreconcilable, others less so.

For what it is worth, @karesalot, there was a mother-child estrangement in my family for a number of years. A lot of it was to do with poor mental health on the part of the adult child, no doubt imperfect parenting by the mother but nothing egregious (over protectiveness the main complaint, no this isn't me) and some lies on the part of the divorced dad about the reasons for the breakdown of their marriage.

During that time, the mother emailed regularly to say she expected no response but wanted them to know she would always love them and be there if they ever needed. They have since reconciled.

That is to say, I don't think a gentle message with no expectations, via a third person, is this terrible thing some people are making out. It may be just what she needs to hear.

This.