Estranged daughter 29 is pregnant

[karesalot]

Its a long story which I will keep brief. I'm a 54 year old female.
I divorced my now ex-husband in 2009, We had 3 children together. At the time their ages were 15 (Boy) 12 (Girl) and 9 (Girl).
I have since been happily remarried since 2012.
For the last 9 years I have been estranged from my eldest daughter who is now 29. She refuses any contact with me. When I last saw her she was 20 and our meeting was very strained. She afterwards denied me any contact- this was based on the fact that a) she doesnt like my new husband and b) the fact that her younger sister, now 26, has (through her own choice) had no contact with her father since she was 9.

My eldest daughter now lives and works abroad and has done so for 9 years, and has no intention of returning to the UK / living back here, other than returning for short visits to visit her Father.
She also has had a very strained relationship with her younger sister and they barely have spoken over the last 5 years or so. But she has just messaged my youngest daughter (who lives with me) telling her she is pregnant.
She is apparently very happy which is good to hear but I am concerned about her and just want to be there for her during her pregnancy. But I made her a promise 9 years ago to not make contact and to respect her boundaries as she said that was important. Not only have I done this but I also have no way of contacting her as she has changed her number, blocked me from all social media and I dont have her address or email. So I have not made any contact with her for 9 years now. On discussing with my younger daughter she said that the older one would not have let her know about the pregnancy without her accepting that I am going to find out from her. So I am in two minds whether to contact her and send her a message using the phone number for her which my youngest daughter now has. I want to let her know I am thinking of her and wish her all the best for her pregnancy with no strings attached and no expectations - but if I contact her I feel I am breaking the boundary which I promised and have stuck to all this time. so I really dont know what to do.
I have a very fractured and extremely poor relationship with her Dad (whom she is still very close to) and short of asking him what to do or what she would want - which to be honest I dont want to do as would rather keep him out of it - then I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd really appreciate peoples thoughts ideas etc.

Absolutely this and perfectly articulated.

ETA - because of your relationship with the younger daughter, your eldest absolutely knows how to get in touch with you directly if she wishes. It would be crossing all sorts of boundaries to send a message back to her through your younger daughter as others have said - talk about putting someone in an invidious position who has a strained relationship with her as you said - this isn't an invitation for a thaw in relations either. It's news, nothing more, nothing less.

That is probably the best, or least worst option.

Do not do this. Leave their relationship alone. Turning the younger daughter into a flying monkey will not change the woman’s mind and will only further destroy trust.

Why is there a greater need to contact your daughter now than last week?

There isn't.

Do as she's asked and don't get in touch.
And, unless your older daughter specifically asks her sister to pass on news, it's probably better that the doesn't.

You put your husband over her. Of course she isn't speaking to you and probably never will. I'm glad she has a good relationship with her father, it's good that she has at least one parent.

No it isn't. It is the very worst option.

Stay out of it.
She’s set her boundaries. You are (sadly) no longer part of her life.
Leave her to have her pregnancy in peace.

In the long term, motherhood might soften her but for now, no flying monkeys.

Totally agree - how can anyone miss this line: 'She also has had a very strained relationship with her younger sister and they barely have spoken over the last 5 years or so.' And yet people think she should be some kind of go-between to ameliorate relations?!

It depends. The daughter was only 20 when she made decision to cut mum off. I don’t subscribe to the they aren’t an adult until 25 theory but as a mum of a 20 yr old daughter they are very naive and often only see black and white. Life moves on. Some people do find they reevaluate when they become mothers themselves.
Obviously depending on reasons for estrangement. Some reasons may be even more reason to keep away with a baby (if new husband sexually abused her for example)

Respect her wishes. Motherhood might change things and she may decide to reach out. It must be her owns choice to make contact x

As a daughter who went no contact with her mother, I can guarantee there is more to this.

If your daughter wanted you to be involved, she would have told you.

If you use the number your younger daughter has for her sister then you’ll destroy their, already fragile, relationship.

Turning your other daughter into a flying monkey will also likely destroy their relationship.

Just respect her wishes.

Both you and her dad remarried very quickly which seems to have an impact on your relationships as a family. The only person who can enquire into contact is your youngest daughter. I’m not sure her being pregnant makes a difference tbh, you should be interested in dd either way.

If anything she will probably feel less sympathetic to her mother after having her own child. OP put her new husband over her own child.

This is the most sensible and balanced answer. On the off-chance that this is your daughter testing the waters with a view to allowing you back into her life, then this is a gentle, non-invasive way to find out the answer to that.

If you don't her anything back then you have your answer. She might contact you directly once the baby is born but she might need time to come back out of the woodwork slowly. Perhaps knowing she's going to be a mother herself is making her re-evaluate things. Either way, the ball should be left in her court once your younger DD has passed on your congratulations.

I would either pass on a message through someone or a (brief) message directly, OP.

My father and I were completely estranged for almost 20 years until I decided to reconsider it for my DD.

I’m sorry to hear this. I might be in a minority but I would contact her and just let her know you’re there if she needs you and you’re thinking of her. Rather than ring her, I would either write a short message or letter (if you have her address). I don’t see how that is going to cause any harm as she can ignore it if she wishes. Daughter/mother relationships are often the most complex, so this dynamic is sadly quite common.

Ask the younger DD to tell her that you would very much like to be in contact with her, but that you wish her well with her pregnancy and that if she cares to get in touch, then these are your details.

Why doesn't she like your new husband? That seems central. It's really hard to advise you without an honest answer to this question.

I can never understand these threads. If two people haven’t spoken for years how do they ever get to be reconciled if they are never allowed to even let the other person know they want to be reconciled. How does anyone on this thread know that the daughter doesn’t want her mother back in her life and is too confused, too scared, or too unsure of herself to let her mother know this.
There is a time to respect what you think other people’s wishes are and a time to bury the hatchet yourself, make yourself vulnerable to further rejection and just say, “Please can we talk”

She knows how to contact you if she wants to. Don't put your daughter in the middle. It's a sad situation but one that you're more than partly responsible for. She may have a change of heart when the baby is here or it may further strengthen her feelings.

I accept the general message that I shouldnt contact her and I wont. I have also taken accountability for my actions and know I made mistakes.
But there's a lot more I didnt put down and that is that my ex-husband was the abuser. That's why I left him and took my 3 children away from him. He hurt them all and the other 2 admitted that but she always denied it even though they saw him do it.
My new husband is kind and caring and far from abusive - his only failure was telling my daughter that he was cross with her for leaving home to move in with her Dad on the day of my Mum's funeral (after she had lived with us for 4 years).
I had been separated from first husband for 2 years before we divorced which took 2 years as it was due to physical abuse. I got full custody of my 3 children. Yes I met my new husband quite quickly after and moved in with him with my children, but both my girls came to our wedding. She visited me and him 9 years ago and it went well. It was only subsequent to that visit that she decided to have no contact with me.

I've been diagnosed as Autistic recently and have realised that this and my lack of communication traits have failed me and my children which I am very regretful of, and I am striving now to make amends and be accountable for the mistakes I made.

Good idea!

I agree.

For me, I will not reconcile with my estranged parent, she no longer exists as far as I am concerned and the peace is incredible.
If I lost my senses, I can contact her. Same as any other estranged adult child.
We choose to have no relationship with our parent for good reason, and the end goal is absolutely not 'reconciliation'.