Estranged daughter 29 is pregnant

[karesalot]

Its a long story which I will keep brief. I'm a 54 year old female.
I divorced my now ex-husband in 2009, We had 3 children together. At the time their ages were 15 (Boy) 12 (Girl) and 9 (Girl).
I have since been happily remarried since 2012.
For the last 9 years I have been estranged from my eldest daughter who is now 29. She refuses any contact with me. When I last saw her she was 20 and our meeting was very strained. She afterwards denied me any contact- this was based on the fact that a) she doesnt like my new husband and b) the fact that her younger sister, now 26, has (through her own choice) had no contact with her father since she was 9.

My eldest daughter now lives and works abroad and has done so for 9 years, and has no intention of returning to the UK / living back here, other than returning for short visits to visit her Father.
She also has had a very strained relationship with her younger sister and they barely have spoken over the last 5 years or so. But she has just messaged my youngest daughter (who lives with me) telling her she is pregnant.
She is apparently very happy which is good to hear but I am concerned about her and just want to be there for her during her pregnancy. But I made her a promise 9 years ago to not make contact and to respect her boundaries as she said that was important. Not only have I done this but I also have no way of contacting her as she has changed her number, blocked me from all social media and I dont have her address or email. So I have not made any contact with her for 9 years now. On discussing with my younger daughter she said that the older one would not have let her know about the pregnancy without her accepting that I am going to find out from her. So I am in two minds whether to contact her and send her a message using the phone number for her which my youngest daughter now has. I want to let her know I am thinking of her and wish her all the best for her pregnancy with no strings attached and no expectations - but if I contact her I feel I am breaking the boundary which I promised and have stuck to all this time. so I really dont know what to do.
I have a very fractured and extremely poor relationship with her Dad (whom she is still very close to) and short of asking him what to do or what she would want - which to be honest I dont want to do as would rather keep him out of it - then I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd really appreciate peoples thoughts ideas etc.

It sounds like you have made mistakes and your dd1 has made an active choice not to be in touch. I have to say, I think you should respect that no matter how painful it is.

Perhaps to your dd is ND too and it’s simply easier for her to live a quiet happy life away from you, without trying to resolve all the hurt and turmoil that dominated her teenage life.

Pregnancy is not always an easy ride and so I might wait until the baby arrives before making another move. I would definitely send a congratulations and ask if dd2 can pass on a gift from you, perhaps a voucher she can spend or some cash in her account.

If your dd1 happened to be a Mumsnetter and saw this thread, do you think she’d agree with what you’ve written?

Do not involve your younger daughter in any messages from you. Their relationship has been strained and it’s important that you ensure they are able to continue to rebuild their contact between each other.
It would be very selfish for you to involve your younger daughter as a conduit for your message. 9 years ago your eldest daughter clearly broke off contact with you and set the boundary of no contact whatsoever, it is up to her and only her to establish any further contact with you.

I do wonder if the DD finds it hard to admit her father's abuse because she clearly adores him, so the easiest way to deal with it is to call her mother and siblings liars, while putting her father on a pedastal.

OP, as someone who is estranged from their parents, I think the gentlest, most tentative contact might help. Just "Congrats and I am here for you if you need anything," passed on through your youngest DD. It's the start of feeling your way back to each other, if she wants it.

I would give anything for my mother to say she had actually changed but she won't. She put a man before me and she is still with the mentally and physically abusive prick, both are addicted to drink and drugs. My situation is impossible, it doesn't sound as if yours is.

As a mother of two DDs in their twenties, I am surprised by how many people are advising op to leave well alone.

FWIW I hold exactly the opposite view.

Personally, unless you were abusive or an addict or cruel in some way to your offspring, I don’t think that as a mother, you should ever give up, especially in this case when it doesn’t sound as if op has done anything obviously wrong.

Obviously there is a huge back story which you have left out op but on the face of it this sounds like it could be a case of classic parental alienation perpetrated by your ex if you ask me! Your dd has only heard his side.

There is a massive difference in age, understanding, and maturity between twenty and twenty-nine years.

And this is an opportunity to write one letter or message to your eldest dd to congratulate her on her pregnancy, to send her your sincere love and best wishes for the future, to apologise sincerely for letting her down and not being there for her in the way she needed you to be, to say that you don’t wish to intrude in her life if she still feels the same way, but you would welcome an opportunity to apologise and talk to her face to face if she felt that might be possible?

And you can say all this, while making it very clear that you don’t want to use her younger sister as a go-between except this once, and from this point on you won’t intrude upon their relationship.

Say that if she doesn’t want further contact, although you will obviously be sad, you will understand and leave her alone, but make sure she understands that you are always available for her or the baby should she ever need you, and your only wish for her is her happiness with her family.

Leave the ball in her court op. One letter in a decade is hardly stepping on her toes. And most DDs need their mums when they have a baby.

For all of the daughters posting here saying they would be upset to hear from their estranged parent, after nine years, I am sure there are at least some who would say they would be equally upset if they didn’t hear anything from that during that amount of time.

She hasn’t had contact with you for 9 years, she lives overseas, and she’s an adult. Why do you think she needs your help now she’s pregnant? That’s rather a presumption on your part. There’s clearly way more to this as there always is and you aren’t going to get an answer on here. You’ll get people who can’t grasp shit mothers exist telling you your daughter is a bitch and should be ashamed of herself, and others telling you, you are clearly a bitch and to back off. Don’t drag your other daughter into it though. You mention you have a son, how does he fit with all this?

OP dripfed that the ex husband was abusive, so no, I'm not going to apologise. It also doesn't really negate my point.

Dripfed? Even if she hadn’t provided an update you had absolutely no information that would even indicate that she chose a man over her child (who was in her mid teens). And 3 years isn’t a short amount of time to move on. You sound extremely bitter.

^ This is the only thing you can do, and only if your other DD feels ok about it. She shouldn't play the role of go-between.

As someone who had to cut their Mum out of my life when I fell pregnant, the distress of even a text was huge. No one ever drops contact with a parent easily - whatever anyone says on the web. It is a hugely painful process and she will have had her reasons. You need to respect that. She will come to you when she is ready.

For all of the daughters posting here saying they would be upset to hear from their estranged parent, after nine years, I am sure there are at least some who would say they would be equally upset if they didn’t hear anything from that during that amount of time.

Honestly no I don't think there are many who would like to hear from their estranged parent. To go no contact with a parent is a decision not taken lightly and to maintain that for almost a decade shows courage of her conviction.

She knows where the OP is and how to get in touch with her should she wish to do so at any point in the future but it's very possible she has no intention of doing so. Those thinking she made some sort of rash decision a decade ago and she was too young to comprehend that choice is quite dismissive of those who have made similar decisions. She was an adult not some tearaway teen looking for a reaction.

WHAT THE FUCK?

People get divorced and meet a new Partner, and marry again!! In what way is that "choosing a man over your child". Nasty, nasty comment and utterly ridiculous.

I agree with this.

Exactly this. Especially in light of OP's diagnosis.

I’m NC with my mother, and I hate that she used my father as a flying monkey. After making it clear to him that I wasn’t interested, and for him to continue would affect our own relationship, he’s stopped. I’ve blocked her, but she occasionally sends cards (my father gave her my new address). Just seeing her handwriting was triggering; the only way to deal with an unwanted card was to put it straight in the bin. The peace I feel no longer having to deal with my mother cannot be underestimated.

Do not upend the already delicate relationship between your daughters by using the youngest to pass on messages. Just leave it be.

From a outside perspective It sounds like the children felt they needed to pick sides in the divorce, your youngest chose you and your eldest chose her dad and nothing has been the same since.

I'd ask your youngest daughter to send a message saying she has told you and you are really happy to hear the news.. that's it, absolutely no more, I would then class that as the ball being in her court if she wanted any further contact than that.

Telling her "you are concerned about her and want to be there for her" is pretty insulting to be fair, you know nothing about her or her life but have assumed there is something you should be concerned about, your natural instincts are not appropriate to the situation, so the less said the better.

People do change though. The fact that she reached out to her younger sister who she has little to do with to tell her she’s pregnant without adding ‘don’t tell mum’ means she likely knows it’s going to get back to their mother.

Life is short. I rather think the mother will regret not reaching out, even if she’s met with radio silence.

Excellent advice.

Leave her alone she made it clear !

I never said they don't change, in fact I clearly acknowledged if she wanted contact she could in future get in contact.

The OP made a promise to not contact her which has been respected up to now. Changing that because she now knows she is pregnant is not wise. Her eldest daughter could quite easily have contacted her mother alongside her sister if she wanted to. The fact she hasn't strongly suggests she wants to remain no contact.

Leave it be and leave her alone. If she wanted to contact you, she would.

Don't use your younger daughter in any way. That's putting her in the middle of your conflict with your eldest. It's called triangulation and it's toxic.

Some people here are very strange. The decision sounds simple to me. You have the opportunity to try to build a bridge by offering congratulations. If your daughter doesn’t want to reply, you lose nothing. But if she does, you gain something. So whyever not?

You would be betraying your younger daughter by using the contact details yourself that she has and also breaking the promise you made to your elder DD not to contact her. All you can do is pass a message via your younger DD to pass on your congratulations and offer support if she wants

passing a message is the best you can do without breaking boundaries and promises you made and also throwing your younger daughter under the proverbial bus as you directly use contact details she has with elder DD had previously removed from. You. I get that it is a very sad and complex situation all round but your DD has made her choices which you need to respect no matter how painful and also protect the relationship your younger DD has with her sister.

I mean you can, but when you have three kids/teens who have been through a high-conflict divorce where one parent apparently was abusive it's good to land for a few years before you move in with the next man. Make sure the kids are OK and feel secure, then you start to date, slowly introduce the new partner, let them get to know each other, see how they get along etc. OP has said they moved in really quickly with the new man. Her oldest DD didn't like him but by then she was obviously stuck living with him. That can be very damaging to a child-parent relationship. And yes, the dad had an affair and moved in with his new partner super quick too, but OP was the one who had the children living with her so she had more to consider.

She only has that opportunity if she asks for the number from her younger daughter. So to take her opportunity she risks absolutely blowing up the relationship between the two sisters.

She’s no right to do that. It would be utterly selfish.

Estrangement isn't as simple as that I'm afraid

Reading your update op about being autistic, this does put a slightly different spin on things. Speaking as a family with ND members, one of the main difficulties can be for a person with autism, is that you feel all the love in the world towards your dc, but they don’t experience and feel it in the way you intend, owing to differing communication styles, difficulties in expressing emotion, and difficulties in feeling and identifying some emotions yourself.

And obviously some, not all, people with autism struggle with executive function and energy levels and the uncertainty and stress and spontaneity and disregulation that having dc in your life can bring, not to mention with things like increased noise levels and disrupted sleep.

And children can take this all very personally if it is not explained to them. They may feel unloved and abandoned and let down. And of course the children of ND parents may be autistic themselves and see things in a very black and white way with little nuance.

But none of this is your fault op and fwiw, I think you need to decide for yourself whether to contact your dc or not and not take the word of strangers on the internet.

Personally, if my dd was estranged, and there was a tiny, minuscule chance that she wanted to be in touch again, I would risk offending her rather than not taking the chance for a reconciliation.