Estranged daughter 29 is pregnant

[karesalot]

Its a long story which I will keep brief. I'm a 54 year old female.
I divorced my now ex-husband in 2009, We had 3 children together. At the time their ages were 15 (Boy) 12 (Girl) and 9 (Girl).
I have since been happily remarried since 2012.
For the last 9 years I have been estranged from my eldest daughter who is now 29. She refuses any contact with me. When I last saw her she was 20 and our meeting was very strained. She afterwards denied me any contact- this was based on the fact that a) she doesnt like my new husband and b) the fact that her younger sister, now 26, has (through her own choice) had no contact with her father since she was 9.

My eldest daughter now lives and works abroad and has done so for 9 years, and has no intention of returning to the UK / living back here, other than returning for short visits to visit her Father.
She also has had a very strained relationship with her younger sister and they barely have spoken over the last 5 years or so. But she has just messaged my youngest daughter (who lives with me) telling her she is pregnant.
She is apparently very happy which is good to hear but I am concerned about her and just want to be there for her during her pregnancy. But I made her a promise 9 years ago to not make contact and to respect her boundaries as she said that was important. Not only have I done this but I also have no way of contacting her as she has changed her number, blocked me from all social media and I dont have her address or email. So I have not made any contact with her for 9 years now. On discussing with my younger daughter she said that the older one would not have let her know about the pregnancy without her accepting that I am going to find out from her. So I am in two minds whether to contact her and send her a message using the phone number for her which my youngest daughter now has. I want to let her know I am thinking of her and wish her all the best for her pregnancy with no strings attached and no expectations - but if I contact her I feel I am breaking the boundary which I promised and have stuck to all this time. so I really dont know what to do.
I have a very fractured and extremely poor relationship with her Dad (whom she is still very close to) and short of asking him what to do or what she would want - which to be honest I dont want to do as would rather keep him out of it - then I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd really appreciate peoples thoughts ideas etc.

I think it’s a bit of a slap in the face that you moved your children in with a man you barely knew (putting their needs last) and have had no contact for 9 years and now you want to reach out.

Why do you think she needs to now and not in the past 9 years?

Definitely don’t message her, she would hate you having her number.

Go through her sister if you have to and get her to say that you want to respect her boundaries etc but you’re there if she wants you as you miss her etc.

It’d highly unlikely she’s going to want any contact with you.
Very often you don’t realise how crap your parents were until you have your own.

Pride comes before a fall & I believe this is relevant for both you and your daughter. Humility could go a long way in helping to restore your relationship with your daughter. She has reached out to her sister
knowing she would let you know about her pregnancy.A short letter explaining you have always loved her & have never forgotten about her & your delighted to hear her news. Perhaps ask her how the pregnancy is going & you hope she's keeping well.I wouldn't mention your husband other than your are happy & would both welcome her back in your lives. If she doesn't respond then thats her choice which underneath I'm sure won't be making her happy.At least you've tried. Obviously if there were serious issues regarding your husband this wouldn't be appropriate. If it was due to emotional upset due to the family split along with a few rows for behaviour thats a different story. I wish you all the best & hope in the near future you end up with a wonderful relationship with both your daughter & your grandchild.

I've just noted you may not have an address so a text would suffice.

The OP gives it as reason #1 for estrangement.

I posted before the dripfeed, but it’s interesting that she doesn’t place any blame on herself for the estrangement. People don’t cut their parents off just for fun, and stick to it nine years down the line.

No, she only had almost a decade.

I think this is a very sensible suggestion.
it suggests your younger daughter hasn’t broken the confidence but does leave a way open for some communication.

IMO stay away. If she wanted you to know or be apart of it she would contact you OR know how she would contact you. She hasn’t so take the hint. I’m sorry for your situation but iv been in a similar situation myself being the estranged daughter. She didn’t contact you she contacted her sister. Leave it alone or she will cut contact with her sister too.

I wonder whether your daughter is on the autistic spectrum, too, OP. Her thinking is extremely black and white. I agree with others who say that in order to be in contact with the father she loves, she has to believe you and your other daughter are liars.

Unless there's a huge drip feed about something terrible you or your husband did to her, then there seems no reason for her to have a scorched-earth policy towards you. I doubt though that she will be the one to make the first move, so in your place I would definitely pass on a message via your other daughter. I would just say to her that she's greatly loved and missed, and that you hope she will be able to talk to you again. I really feel for you.

I would pass your good wishes and congratulations on through your younger daughter as she has contact. If she wants anything more from you, I am sure she will indicate this via her sister. I wish you luck.

I agree. OP I think asking your younger daughter to ask “can I tell mum?” Is a good approach. It’s MUCH better than asking her to send your daughter a congratulations message because it maintains the trust in their relationship with each other (setting aside the fact that she’s already told you lol).

Hopefully your eldest says “yes”, in which case you get your daughter to reply “mum says she’s so happy for you and that she’s here for you if you need anything at all but she doesn’t want to pressure you if you don’t want to talk.”

If she says “no” then you can just leave it for now.

To the PP saying that her being pregnant means nothing - that’s just not true. Plenty of women feel the urge to reconnect and understand their own mothers when they have a baby. It’s very natural and sometimes can be healing for relationships.

Particularly in OPs case where she has subsequently had an autism diagnosis and this could help her and her children understand how things went wrong.

Youngest daughter should say to her sister congratulations. Then ask is it ok if I tell mum? If she says yes younger daughter can say mum is delighted for you and wishes you well. She says if you would like anything please just let me know if you don't want to reach out directly. If eldest daughter doesn't respond or says mum can't know then hard though it is, leave well alone

Ask her sister to tell her you love her and that your door is always open anytime should she wish to ever be in contact again.

Leave her alone!
Telling her sister obviously means your going to find out but dose not mean she wants you in her life.
Asking your younger daughter to pass on a message will only put strain on their relationship (classic Narcissistic parent move) Do not do this.
I don’t buy your suddenly concerned about her. She’s a grown woman who has found a life she’s happy with without you, again leave her alone!

I really think this is a considerate and thoughtful approach. I wish you the very best @karesalot it really sounds like you experienced a lot of struggles.

Unfortunately, in my experience of Adult Child Estrangement, this is the exact response I would expect.

How do you know that!!!!!!

People don’t cut their parents off just for fun, and stick to it nine years down the line.

See, I really used to believe this, and would have said something like that on a thread like this around 10 years ago.

But my view has completely changed over time. It’s apparent that an awful lot of people don’t view their parents as human and individuals in their own right, and feel entitled to (vary degrees of) control over their parents lives.

When I last saw her she was 20 and our meeting was very strained. She afterwards denied me any contact- this was based on the fact that a) she doesnt like my new husband

From the OP, HTH

You are being ridiculous. Sticking to this insane idea that a woman isn't allowed to move on.

This says a lot about you

Your daughter might just say ‘you know mum misses and loves you’ without it actually being a message from you yourself.

That doesn’t mean OP chose her husband over her daughter.

We have no idea why she doesn’t like him.

OP shouldn’t have to divorce her own husband simply because her adult child doesn’t like him (depending on why, obviously).

I haven’t read anything that suggests the OP did anything terrible. She got out of an abusive marriage, and her ex remarried before her. Her communication may not have been great.

All families are different, what might make one person feel strongly enough to go NC, might result in the recognition by another that there was no malice intended, and want to work through things. I’m sure most of us have resented our parents at times, but if there was no definable reason, then going NC seems extreme.

OP had not reached out to her own child for almost a decade.

Before that she was a less than perfect parent because she moved her kids in with a msn she barely knew aka caring more about sex than her own kids.

I completely agree with you @Vivi0 - I know a number of women whose daughters have stopped contact over the trans issue. In each case there wasn't a problem in the relationship before the mother had the nerve to disagree with them. Some resumed contact, where others are still telling anyone who'll listen that their mother is a Nazi sympathiser.

I can always see the point in going NC with someone who's abused you, who frightens you, who uses you, or whatever, but it's not always like that nowadays. The adult child knows they are doing the very worst thing they can to their parent - usually their mother - and has ridiculously high standards for her behaviour that they wouldn't even dream of applying to anyone else, let alone themselves.

I'm 36 now, and I've been estranged from my own mother for 10 years at this point. It sounds like our situation was very different from yours (my mother has addiction issues, was physically violent with me, and threw me down the stairs at one point), but I still would be open to reconnecting with her someday if she were able to get on top of her addiction or even just start working on it (but obviously not if she was disregarding my desire for no contact by harassing me with multiple messages or doing something bananas like hiring a private detective). But I think every estrangement is different depending on the people involved, and some estranged people aren't open to that at all and just never want to hear from the other person again. And some estranged people may be of two minds; they may miss you but not be sure if they want you back in their life or not.

As long as your younger daughter doesn't mind playing the intermediary a bit, I would do exactly what that earlier pp suggested, and have your younger daughter say something like, "Is it ok if I tell mum or would you rather I not?" If she says no, you have your answer; if she does say yes, your daughter can say, "Mum says congratulations, she loves you and is thinking of you, and she'd love to hear from you if you'd ever be comfortable with that; her number is . . ." etc. That's the sort of thing I would personally respond to best if my sibling (a brother in my case) were to say something like that, but again, different circumstances, and I'm not your daughter. But I wouldn't just send her a message directly from you using your younger daughter's phone, and I wouldn't message or contact her directly at all without having someone else ask/check first.