Estranged daughter 29 is pregnant

[karesalot]

Its a long story which I will keep brief. I'm a 54 year old female.
I divorced my now ex-husband in 2009, We had 3 children together. At the time their ages were 15 (Boy) 12 (Girl) and 9 (Girl).
I have since been happily remarried since 2012.
For the last 9 years I have been estranged from my eldest daughter who is now 29. She refuses any contact with me. When I last saw her she was 20 and our meeting was very strained. She afterwards denied me any contact- this was based on the fact that a) she doesnt like my new husband and b) the fact that her younger sister, now 26, has (through her own choice) had no contact with her father since she was 9.

My eldest daughter now lives and works abroad and has done so for 9 years, and has no intention of returning to the UK / living back here, other than returning for short visits to visit her Father.
She also has had a very strained relationship with her younger sister and they barely have spoken over the last 5 years or so. But she has just messaged my youngest daughter (who lives with me) telling her she is pregnant.
She is apparently very happy which is good to hear but I am concerned about her and just want to be there for her during her pregnancy. But I made her a promise 9 years ago to not make contact and to respect her boundaries as she said that was important. Not only have I done this but I also have no way of contacting her as she has changed her number, blocked me from all social media and I dont have her address or email. So I have not made any contact with her for 9 years now. On discussing with my younger daughter she said that the older one would not have let her know about the pregnancy without her accepting that I am going to find out from her. So I am in two minds whether to contact her and send her a message using the phone number for her which my youngest daughter now has. I want to let her know I am thinking of her and wish her all the best for her pregnancy with no strings attached and no expectations - but if I contact her I feel I am breaking the boundary which I promised and have stuck to all this time. so I really dont know what to do.
I have a very fractured and extremely poor relationship with her Dad (whom she is still very close to) and short of asking him what to do or what she would want - which to be honest I dont want to do as would rather keep him out of it - then I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd really appreciate peoples thoughts ideas etc.

I would ask your younger DD to send a message to older DD saying that she's told you, you're happy for her, and you will respect the fact that she wants no contact, but is welcome to contact you if she wants anything at all - material goods, money or a visit.

Make no mistake, bad shit has gone down for her to cut you off. You are potentially in denial about your role in this bad shit.

9 years is a long time for no contact. I think I would send a message of congratulations through your other daughter saying if she wants to reach out the door is open. It’s obviously complicated 😔

The mother loses absolutely nothing by reaching out.

I agree that the best thing for you to do is ask your younger DD to ask if it's ok to let you know. Regardless of the fact that you DO know, you should keep quiet about that unless she says it's ok.
Your younger DD should really have asked before passing on the message so I don't feel it's too much to ask her to check if it's ok.
Then after that follow both your DDs' lead. If the younger one wants to ask about more contact, let her decide that. If the older one says "yes, and it's ok to give her my no" then again follow that.

While I agree with others that it might look like you are only interested in the baby, I also know that many women feel the need for their mum more acutely when pregnant.

There's absolutely nothing in Op's posts to indicate that she was abusive. In fact it was the ExH, who bizarrely the DD keeps in touch with. Some kids at 20 are little shits, and even if they're not, they often don't care much for their parents at that age - too hung up on new friends, partying etc.

Sometimes the safest parent gets the brunt of the shit. And in this case the abusive parent has not been ostracised - I think this is probably Trauma Bonding or the Fawn response.

Anyway, 9 years has passed and DD is probably growing up and realising that she dropped a clanger, but pride and all that....she's told the younger DD about being pregnant for a reason, and knows it'll get back to Mum.

I think I would be tempted to do what a PP suggested and get younger DD to ask "can I tell Mum". If the answer is yes, then perhaps younger DD could text to say that Mum is over the moon, and here is her number if you would like to get in touch.

And her father, the one who actually caused the divorce through his affair (not to mention the abuse) who put another woman ahead of that daughter (as well as her siblings and her mother) and married the OW before OP married her present DH.

So why is it OP that you're blaming for everything?

She could very well jeopardise the already fragile relationship between the two sisters. Just because mum doesn't lose our anything doesn't mean others wouldn't possibly be negatively impacted by that choice to ignore her promise.

Are you willing to share the reason your daughter dislikes your husband. If her father had an affair then married the woman it sounds like there was upset on her part regarding both parents. Why are you taking all the blame for splitting up her family if thats the main reason, or are there other reasons regarding her obvious strong desire to have nothing to do with you due to him. It seems extreme.

I agree with this advice.

She knows how to contact you.
If she ever wants to, she will.
Until then, respect her clearly stated wishes.
The fact she is having a child doesn't entitle you to a relationship with her or give you the right to contact her.

These family estrangements are very messy. They're never straightforward.

My advice, having been estranged by my son and his wife, is to stand back. Any contact will be interpreted against you. Truth gets lost, you get hurt and the whole cycle begins again.

Be kind to yourself. You know the truth. Trust me, grandchildren make no difference. If anything, it increases the scope of the game.

If your daughter got on well with new husband, why did she move out and back with her dad? Genuine question.

I'm not saying you're misrepresenting things but I do know that, whilst truly excellent stepfathers do exist, they are quite rare. As are estrangements that happen without any reason.

I agree that it's wrong for previous posters, without evidence, to simply call you a bad parent who puts your husband first etc. but I think it's reasonable to ask questions about your account of things, because that account feels a bit unusual.

In my experience, the most common reason for estrangements are a problematic new partner, and/or that the parent does put the new partner first. I suppose that is why people are assuming that here. Are you absolutely sure this does not apply to you? Again, genuine question.

I would message and leave it there. I think its a bit childish and unfair of her to be like this? My sister hasn't spoken to me for years and its putting such a strain on my parents as they are getting older, I don't understand why people can't just get along in life. If you send a nice message and she doesn't reply then that's on her but it isn't as if you are doing anything wrong. I feel for you OP as sounds like you have done nothing wrong.

Her daughter could easily lose her relationship with her sister though. Which isn’t something that should be simply ignored because it suits

I think @anunlikelyunicorn has good advice.

I think this is very true.

And while I'm sympathetic to the OP I'm also mindful of my nans favourite saying in regard to any disputes, there is my side, your side and the truth.

No leave the other daughter out if it it’s not fair she’s not the messenger

What value do you think you’d be adding by being there? You need to respect her position.

It’s really hard to admit you are wrong though.
The daughter was only 20 when she walked away.
She may feel like she’d like to rekindle things but not know where to start especially if she was difficult to her mother eg she may now bitterly regret upsetting her mother on her grandmother’s funeral day realising with benefit of age how inappropriate she was to choose that day of all days for her moving house.
Mum is diagnosed autistic. There’s a chance DD is too as it can run in families. She may have been functioning as younger than chronological age.
If mum reaches out she can ignore if unwelcome. If I was mum I’d at least want her to know she’s welcome to contact me.

Why don't you ask youngest daughter to pass on a message on your behalf? That way she won't feel as though her privacy has been invaded by daughter sharing her number with you.
You could congratulate her, wish her well and state that if at any point she would like to make contact with you, you would welcome it with open arms. Ball is in her court with no pressure.

She risks destroying any chance of reconciliation by not respecting the boundaries her older daughter has put in place, and/or by using the younger daughter as an intermediary.

Her daughter will contact her if and when she wants to. OP has obviously made it clear that she would like to reconcile, she doesn’t need to put pressure on again at a time when her daughter is pregnant and potentially hormonal and vulnerable.

I think this has to be handled very delicately but I don’t agree that you should just accept the estrangement. It may not be what she truly wants, but the corner she’s painted herself into. I hesitate to say this but as you yourself have been diagnosed as autistic you may recognise the black and whiteness of her position. She was hurt, and this is her expressing that. She may not want it to go on forever but she might not know how to break the silence.

Let your younger DD help you in whatever way she thinks best. Make sure your older DD knows that the door is not closed on your side.

Just leave it.