Estranged daughter 29 is pregnant

[karesalot]

Its a long story which I will keep brief. I'm a 54 year old female.
I divorced my now ex-husband in 2009, We had 3 children together. At the time their ages were 15 (Boy) 12 (Girl) and 9 (Girl).
I have since been happily remarried since 2012.
For the last 9 years I have been estranged from my eldest daughter who is now 29. She refuses any contact with me. When I last saw her she was 20 and our meeting was very strained. She afterwards denied me any contact- this was based on the fact that a) she doesnt like my new husband and b) the fact that her younger sister, now 26, has (through her own choice) had no contact with her father since she was 9.

My eldest daughter now lives and works abroad and has done so for 9 years, and has no intention of returning to the UK / living back here, other than returning for short visits to visit her Father.
She also has had a very strained relationship with her younger sister and they barely have spoken over the last 5 years or so. But she has just messaged my youngest daughter (who lives with me) telling her she is pregnant.
She is apparently very happy which is good to hear but I am concerned about her and just want to be there for her during her pregnancy. But I made her a promise 9 years ago to not make contact and to respect her boundaries as she said that was important. Not only have I done this but I also have no way of contacting her as she has changed her number, blocked me from all social media and I dont have her address or email. So I have not made any contact with her for 9 years now. On discussing with my younger daughter she said that the older one would not have let her know about the pregnancy without her accepting that I am going to find out from her. So I am in two minds whether to contact her and send her a message using the phone number for her which my youngest daughter now has. I want to let her know I am thinking of her and wish her all the best for her pregnancy with no strings attached and no expectations - but if I contact her I feel I am breaking the boundary which I promised and have stuck to all this time. so I really dont know what to do.
I have a very fractured and extremely poor relationship with her Dad (whom she is still very close to) and short of asking him what to do or what she would want - which to be honest I dont want to do as would rather keep him out of it - then I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd really appreciate peoples thoughts ideas etc.

This is MN at it's worst.
What a horrible bitter post.
You haven't bothered to read OPs posts and are just piling on with this absolutely ridiculous MN idea that women are not allowed to move on after divorce.

Did you know she didn’t like your boyfriend at the time?

Personally I don't think the DD would’ve shared the news at all if she was bothered about OP finding out. She probably knew full well, and maybe even perhaps hoped that the sister would pass it straight on
.
Estrangement like this doesn't come out of nowhere, it takes years of built-up hurt. Making sure a parent finds out huge news through a 3rd party is a total gut punch. It’s basically: "Now you know what it feels like to be shut out, rejected, and completely powerless."

It strips OP of being a grandparent in the most painful way possible. Especially since the sisters aren't close and have had years of NC themselves, this wasn't an accident Imho, but adeliberate message. To me, that relationship is completely dead in the water.

It’s not bitter! It’s a public forum where people write their opinions. TBH, it’s possibly entirely true too. The DD has cited the new boyfriend as a reason, so being all offended on op’s behalf seems a bit far-fetched.

Yes I met my new husband quite quickly after and moved in with him with my children,

It was OP that said that she met him quickly and moved her children in….

I’m guessing you also don’t speak to your DC of you think having no contact with them for almost a decade is normal.

I just don’t think anyone knows enough about the situation to make a call like this.

It’s equally as likely that the DD has gone no contact because she felt that her mother didn’t care about her or neglected her. In which case she might very well turn around after 30 years and say “You didn’t fight for me! You didn’t even TRY to get in touch when you knew I was pregnant!”.

As long as OP doesn’t have a history of harassing her daughter (and sounds like she doesn’t re: no contact for 9 years), then a gentle testing of whether the door is open now, and taking the opportunity to offer her support at this momentous time in her daughter’s life, is the wisest option.

I have been estranged from my father for the past six years. He recently wrote to me, the first contact for a long time.

His letter spoke about how he wanted to reconnect, to re-establish some kind of relationship. He wasn’t at all pushy. His letter was full of phrases such as “if you’re comfortable with that…” and “if you feel ready.” What was missing from his letter was any attempt whatsoever to apologise, or to even acknowledge his awful behaviour which led to our estrangement in the first place.

Why on earth would I agree to any contact, when he made no indication that there would be any improvement or change going forward? Now, obviously, I know he thinks he’s done nothing wrong. But even if that were the case, even if the fault really was all mine, he would still be aware that I found his behaviour problematic, or the estrangement wouldn’t have happened in the first place.

Although I have no wish to have a relationship with my father again, I admit that when his letter arrived and I recognised his handwriting on the envelope, there was a small glow of hope and happiness. Perhaps my father did actually love me, and would finally promise not to do those horrible things again, and admit he was wrong to have done them, and he could understand why I had no alternative but to go no contact. It’s a real disappointment to have it confirmed that he is incapable of change. I think it’s a basic human need to crave the love of one’s parents. I don’t think many people cut off their parents lightly.

Of course, I don’t know the details of your estrangement. It seems likely your daughter genuinely wants no contact. But if you genuinely love her and want any hope of reconnecting, I think your only chance would be a thorough and genuine examination of how your behaviour affected her.

She does not get to dictate her mother's partner just as her mother the op here does not get to dictate daughters partner

You do not cut off contact with your mum just because you don't like her partner
She is losing out. She's got no mum. The other two haven't cut off so obviously the daughter is the difficult one.

Funny how everyone jumps on the daughters side.

The daughter is now pregnant all she will be doing is teaching her own child it's ok to estrange, so on that basis daughter shouldn't be surprised if one day her own child does it to her.
Silly girl.

I love this take and think it's really level-headed and one of the better comments on this thread. I think it's important her mum shows up and shows her she still cares, as I believe (having lived a very, very similar scenario) that her eldest DD seems to have an avoidant attachment type, in that she seems to in a way seek and reject attention. She knew telling her sister would cause her mother to find out (seeking) yet maintains she wants no contact (rejection).

I think it is important to consider in a situation like this, as it was in mine with my elder sister, that she might ultimately feels this way against her mother because she failed to protect her from harm (pjysically against the father). It is in a way a rejection. Her expressing her dislike of her mums new DH and having her mum choose him over her, further solidified this rejection and is what I assume is the cause of the no contact, given the information that OP has provided. She deep down craves reassurance from her primary caregiver (because she is a human) thus causing the seeking and rejecting attention.

I believe the DD has every right to feel this way, but circling back to your point is why it is so important that OP is clear she is still here and still cares without needing to push it any further than that. OP not doing anything to get in touch with her will only subconsciously further solidify the rejection in DDs mind.

29 is still very young, especially in terms of mental state I feel there is still a lot going on - particularly when processing all of this trauma. I say this as a 29 year old mother who is also processing trauma, including familial.

This is absolutely spot on.

There is an awful lot of pseudo psychology online too as well as unqualified "therapists" ruining people. The markers are usually dishing out terms like "narcissist" left, right and centre.

And we're now in the age of AI "therapists" advising people how to commit suicide so it will only get worse.

Thought she’d been married for 14 years? Who’s the new boyfriend then?

‘Entirely possible’ is not a good reason to make assumptions about OP’s life, it’s not fair.

If your younger daughter feels able to navigate a conversation with her sister about your desire to send her your love then that might work. Using a number you haven’t been given will likely result in your younger daughter being punished with estrangement too. At least, as things stand, you might get to see the odd photo and hear the odd update.

You really did not need to say that last sentence, did you? God forbid mothers should have any happiness or other men in their lives after a divorce. We should just live for our children 🫩🫩🫩

Did you also read that her ex was an abuser and had an affair?

Did you read that her daughter asked her not to be in touch. Her daughter blocked her and changed her number.

You have made an utterly bonkers leap to the conclusion that I am NC with my child. You know nothing about me.

I know nothing about you either but
I conclude that you lack comprehension skills and just fancy a MN bun fight.

I would love to hear the daughters side in this.

The OP says that she had problems communicating with the children, and I wonder how the daughter sees this.

Is that 8 years of feeling unsupported and ignored by the OP, through her parents splitting up, meeting, moving in and getting married.

The OP doesn't seem to have had a lot of time for her kids.
I also doubt that the Daughter just left on the day of the GMs funeral, I suspect that there were many clues running up the that and having her mum's husband tell her off was probably the final slap in the face of being ignored.

The OP may have come to terms wuth her part in this but I doubt that the daughter sees it that way.

Someone said that the daugther is just teaching her child 'how to be estranged', She may well be teaching her chilkd that its ok to have feelings and be seen.

I know enough of my own personal experiences, I would absolutely hate my mother attempting any contact with me. If I wanted her in my life I have plenty of ways to do it. I don’t and every time she’s done to whole “ I just want you to know I love you” I feel she’s absolutely not changed, everything is about her. Every time someone casually passes on how she feels, it’s another was of her and her flying monkeys breaching my boundaries. A sibling passing on a “message” when I’ve made my boundaries clear breaching the trust I’ve rebuilt with that sibling.

OP has stated she promised to stay away, she’s now looking at breaking that promise, she wants opinions, as someone who never wants to see hear from or have anything to do with my own mother, my opinion is No, absolutely not!

Like so many I read about on mumsnet you chose a new man over your children’s wellbeing. This is the consequence.

Yes I did read all of that.

What does the dad having an affair or being abusive have anything to do with OP moving her kids in with a strange man?

What does the dad having an affair or being abusive have to do with the decision for DD to go NC?

What does it have to do with OP not reaching out to her own child for almost a decade and now suddenly wanting to because she feels she’s missing out on her first grandchild.

Why are you more supportive of OP, than the DD who’s not had her family in her life since she was 20 years old?

Most people would be shocked at that but you’re not.

I’ve seen threads where the DC haven’t heard from their dad for weeks and he’s the most negligent parent in the world but not trying to reach out for a decade is apparently fine…

she might very well turn around after 30 years and say “You didn’t fight for me! You didn’t even TRY to get in touch when you knew I was pregnant!”.

Agree, I can see this happening a mile off tbh. I would also think it is perhaps likely that she does want to talk to OP, but feels breaking her own boundary is admitting defeat, in a way. I believe she told her younger sister with the knowledge that her mum would obviously find out, as a way of putting the ball in her court to make that first contact. Again reinforcing the point I made in my other comment that she is seeking the OPs attention by doing this. She doesn't want to be the one chasing her mum, she wants her mum to chase her.

Possible that she really doesn't want any contact (as is this case in that of the PP you quoted) but that isn't this scenario and I really don't think that is what is happening here. I think the fact she still has contact with the abusive father but not the mother is very telling of the reasons behind the DDs no contact boundary, and would personally put it down to massively misplaced anger (for the most part).
It's so interesting how nuanced and complex familial relationships are, and how in very similar situations the outcomes can vary so greatly.

I would send her a card with a short msg inside - an apology where appropriate, how much you love and miss her, how you’ve respected her boundaries and will continue to do so but are hoping that maybe a reconciliation of some sort is possible. With various contact detail options so she’s got a choice.
Get your other dd to write the address on and post it so youll still be unaware of her location etc.
Hoping things improve x

The new bf at the time. Op said she met and moved her kids in with him quickly. Estrangement mostly only happens years later when people reflect on their childhood and the choices that were made on their behalf.

Edited to add : I’m not making assumptions. Read the thread, op has written what happened.

Not necessarily. I read somewhere that estrangement is very common between child and mother in situations like this i.e. where the mum is divorced. Seems crazy but I suppose mums can be quite easy to 'blame' ("you didn't notice I was having a difficult time" - well that's possibly quite hard if you are trying to keep the kids fed/watered and under a roof, especially given that men typically - even if they are the straying partner - tends to act incredibly unreasonably.

I've seen it in our circle so many times (the way the husband behaves even though they were the guilty party).

The misogyny from some posters on this thread is mind boggling.

🙌🙌🙌🙌