Estranged daughter 29 is pregnant

[karesalot]

Its a long story which I will keep brief. I'm a 54 year old female.
I divorced my now ex-husband in 2009, We had 3 children together. At the time their ages were 15 (Boy) 12 (Girl) and 9 (Girl).
I have since been happily remarried since 2012.
For the last 9 years I have been estranged from my eldest daughter who is now 29. She refuses any contact with me. When I last saw her she was 20 and our meeting was very strained. She afterwards denied me any contact- this was based on the fact that a) she doesnt like my new husband and b) the fact that her younger sister, now 26, has (through her own choice) had no contact with her father since she was 9.

My eldest daughter now lives and works abroad and has done so for 9 years, and has no intention of returning to the UK / living back here, other than returning for short visits to visit her Father.
She also has had a very strained relationship with her younger sister and they barely have spoken over the last 5 years or so. But she has just messaged my youngest daughter (who lives with me) telling her she is pregnant.
She is apparently very happy which is good to hear but I am concerned about her and just want to be there for her during her pregnancy. But I made her a promise 9 years ago to not make contact and to respect her boundaries as she said that was important. Not only have I done this but I also have no way of contacting her as she has changed her number, blocked me from all social media and I dont have her address or email. So I have not made any contact with her for 9 years now. On discussing with my younger daughter she said that the older one would not have let her know about the pregnancy without her accepting that I am going to find out from her. So I am in two minds whether to contact her and send her a message using the phone number for her which my youngest daughter now has. I want to let her know I am thinking of her and wish her all the best for her pregnancy with no strings attached and no expectations - but if I contact her I feel I am breaking the boundary which I promised and have stuck to all this time. so I really dont know what to do.
I have a very fractured and extremely poor relationship with her Dad (whom she is still very close to) and short of asking him what to do or what she would want - which to be honest I dont want to do as would rather keep him out of it - then I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd really appreciate peoples thoughts ideas etc.

I think you should leave her alone

I think you should respect her choices and leave her alone. She knows where you are if she wants to make contact, and it’s clear that at the moment she doesn’t.

Leave her alone. If she wants you to ‘be there for her’, she’ll ask for you.

You chose a man over your child, and this is the price you pay.

You could ask your younger daughter to pass on a message saying that you are happy for her and will be there if she needs you as you would like her to get in touch. Then it is up to her to decide.
As mum of four, I can’t really get my head around why you have not been in touch with her for so long… I just would never have left it so long.

As I said I have not had any contact details for her for 9 years. Otherwise I would not have left it that long at all.

Leave her alone
you divorced their dad and remarried within three years
thats massively unsettling
she told you she didn’t like your DH
in her eyes you’ve chosen him over her

I agree with @MJEBinAthens. Without expecting your younger daughter to be a formal go between, make your feelings clear to her.

This strikes me as a crucial moment. Like when an animal comes very cautiously out of the bushes to collect some food near a house. This is the moment to be VERY calm and regulated, while still being open to contact being reestablished.

If an adult child says they don’t want you contact them or have their number, email or address you respect their choice.

All the OP can do is say I’m here, I’m open to reconciliation and to talk to you, I’m accountable for what I did and I’m sorry for our estrangement and like to work on building a positive working relationship. That’s it.

This.

Your personal story about why she decided to have no contact mentions nothing that is your responsibility at all. I suspect this is an issue. And will remain one.

Since your daughters are communicating with each other, your youngest could message asking “can I let mum know?”
and see what the response is. If the answer is ‘No’ you don’t do anything. If the answer is ‘yes, okay’ the you ask your youngest to send your congratulations, and that if she needs anything you are there for her, and leave it that for the time being.

Leave her alone. If she wanted to tell you, she'd have told you directly.

Her telling her younger sister and knowing that means you'll likely find out is her not wanting to ask her younger sister to keep a huge secret from you, not an invite for you to get in touch.

It's not a crucial moment. She has done nothing to indicate she wants contact and breaking your promise to her gives her another reason to stay away.

This is the only route you've got, really.

Do not pass on any message. I'd be horrified if my estranged mother inflicted one on me, it would trigger anxiety and panic attacks.
She clearly does not want you to 'be there' for her.
Choosing to remove a parent from our lives is a huge thing, goes against our every instinct and happens after many incidents. Leave her alone and tell your other daughter to stop blabbing.

For other estranged daughters, this article is fantastic:
https://issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons/

She is an adult and you need to respect that she does not want a relationship with you. Her being pregnant is not a reason for you to try and steam roller her into contact.

She's been very clear that she doesn't want you in her life and whilst that's very disheartening for you she sounds like she has strong and understandable reasons for making that choice. You really need to leave her alone.

No, don’t contact her. She knows where you are and she doesn’t want to hear from you.

No, if she wanted to make contact and tell you then she would have done. Don’t ask your other daughter to be the go between either, it’s unfair.

You haven’t really said why the kids appear to have picked sides. I think that both parents should not have involved the kids in what went on and that you should all have made an effort to be in touch with each other, especially seeing as though you were once a family. Unless there was physical violence involved, there is no real reason why time could not have healed this rift. Obviously your daughter is in contact with her sister…. so it probably wouldn’t have been hard to do something before now. Try to admit to your kids that you may have made mistakes in your life but that you do love them and then let them take the lead in how often or how much they do want to be in touch.
I’m 61 now but when I was 11 my parents had a nasty divorce and my mum took us to live abroad. For 8 years I refused to speak to my dad (he was adulterous, physically and emotionally abusive to her and was drinking a lot) even though he’d call religiously every week (it was the 70s and long distance calls weren’t as easy as they are now). My brother went back to see him and then the next year, I went back and stayed three weeks. He was fine. As I grew older, I eventually went back to the UK and lived near him, but relations with my stepmother were a bit weird (she was always very aggressive towards me). I moved back abroad and it got to a stage where I was the one making all the effort to be in regular touch, so I called him out on it. After that things went pretty well until he eventually died at 74. Life’s too short. That’s my point.

Don’t try to pass messages through your youngest. Your older daughter might end up feeling that she has to end that relationship or at least that she can’t trust it as much.

Unless you are ready to really work on the underlying issues for the estrangement, the pregnancy nothing.

Can I add that my ex-husband remarried after 2.5 years (the woman he was having an affair with). I did say why she decided to have no contact. I'm just giving background and not trying to make it all about me. I explained the history of the situation. I do take accountability fully for the reasons she has no contact but I dont know how I can let her know that I do when I cant contact her.

how I can let her know that I do when I cant contact her.

Don't.

Agree with others. She has to reach out to you. You trying to get in contact now screams it’s the baby you want contact with not her. Which it kind of is isn’t it…?

I dont know how I can let her know that I do when I cant contact her.

She probably has no desire to hear that you've taken accountability and that you accept your part in what happened. As someone who is estranged from a parent i don't have any interest in hearing that they have changed. If she wanted contact she would have gotten in touch. It's very clear she isn't interested in hearing from you so I'm genuinely not sure why you think the baby would change that stance?

This is very sad for you and I can understand why you feel the distance and absence now that she is pregnant.

Only you can reflect on the causes of this and people here should stop trying to pin the blame on you. What the f… do they know?

I wouldn’t approach her either directly or indirectly as it may just make it worse.

If she wanted to contact you - being pregnant may nudge her in your direction.

I hope she doesn’t leave it until the will-writing time of your life.

Unfortunately I have seen this happen and it can be so very telling.

Best wishes to you.

I think the suggestion for younger to say is it ok if I tell mum is best. If she says yes then send your congratulations via younger sister and say you won’t contact her in respect if her wishes but you wish her well and if she does want to get in touch it would be welcome on your side.

You could always get the daughter she contacted her to let her know that you'd love to hear from her and you were happy to hear about the baby.