Occupation order hearing next week, panicking

[mamacat612]

Can anyone tell me what my chances are or have any experience of this?

I am divorcing my husband, we have one child. I left the family home with our child to go live with family members due to his angry outbursts.

I asked him within a few weeks to please move out of the home and allow myself and our child to move back in. This is for stability for our child. He refused and said he has no where else to go. This is partially true, we moved to an area to be close to my family when we had our child and his parents and family members do live hours away, I don’t dispute this.

I applied for an occupation order on advice.

He is saying if he is forced to leave the home, that he will have no choice but to move back to parents which means loosing his job, or be homeless.

We both earn similar amounts, neither of us can afford a private rental and paying half the mortgage which I have accepted in my statement.

He is saying in his statement that I can get housing benefit and rent with our child and has done a calculation! Or live with family members but I want our child to be back in the family home. My family members can’t accomodate us long term and it’s crapped as we are in a flat.

He has started financial proceedings for the divorce as we haven’t been able to agree with either the sale of the house or buying each other out.

If I am to move back in I can’t afford the mortgage alone and would need him to still pay his half.

I don’t have any concrete evidence of his angry outbursts other than my statement, no other witnesses. But I can’t move back in and live with him until this is all sorted, his behaviour scares me.

For his part he says we did argue at the end of the relationship, but he denies any angry outbursts or intimidating behaviour.

We are both self representing and there will be a legal advisor at the hearing to ask questions.

We've no information to indicate he could do that whilst still paying 50% of mortgage, childcare and maintenance, until such a time as the house sells for the figure OP wants.

Maybe OP might prefer him to privately rent something and use the money he's currently spending on maintenance and childcare. Perhaps that's a discussion worth them having. But as things stand, what we know is that he's in what OP describes as a not great job, that doesn't afford him enough salary to rent privately. There is a limit to how far an income can be stretched.

And who has a ring doorbell inside their fridge ?

Yeah I think he removed it as she was watching him,

as said, I reckon they have both become abusive, potentially more her.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37594220/

Did she really say the ring doorbell was in the fridge - i missed that?!

Well someone said she was checking on the empty fridge … it’s confused

No. Read the OPs posts. When she does go to the house the mail hasn’t been picked up and fridge is empty. The house looks like it’s not lived in. So she thinks he’s not even staying there most of the time.

Why is she looking in the fridge of a house she no longer lives in and checking food that is not hers? Strange!

Her house too. Her fridge too.

She has had to stay in temporary accommodation because he is aggressive and scares her. It’s still her house. And if she goes there and sees it’s not being lived in, of course she will check to see if there are signs he is living there, because her and her child are living in temporary accommodation because his aggression made it impossible to stay there. Temporary accommodation that she can’t rely on much longer.

Id be furious in her shoes.

What? Nowhere does it say that!

Where did that idea come from?

I've seen nothing to indicate he's "scary and aggressive". All I've seen are indications that they had a normal marriage-ending fight. I'm sure she gave as good as she got.

Admittedly, op seems to have picked up on the word "aggressive" and run with it, so latecomers to the thread who aren't reading back are defending op. But I don't think it was anything more than two people losing their temper and having an "it's over!" blowout.

If she were that petrified of him, no way would she be spying. She'd be too scared of his reaction, right? (albeit I missed the bit about Ring being in the fridge - do they do that these days??)

You're making out she's cowering and beaten and was left with no choice but to run away. I don't see anything at all to indicate that. But you're determined to defend her for some reason.

AI: The authors included 42 studies, but their synthesis was primarily about the prevalence and direction of violence.
The review's conclusion does not establish equality in:

• Severity of violence.
• Physical injuries.
• Fear and psychological trauma.
• Sexual violence.
• Coercive and controlling behaviour.
• The motivation behind violent acts.
• The long-term consequences for victims.

In other words, the authors' finding that bidirectional violence is common cannot be used as evidence that men and women are equally abusive.

They’ve been told to say that hoping that will mean you need to go back to the family home and he’ll have to leave…

Not cowering and beaten. It’s complex. But living with someone who gets into dysregulated rage has a massive impact on your physiology. Especially if they are bigger and more powerful than you.

It’s also common for people in coercive controlling relationships to use minimising language.

Im not saying we can ever know for sure but if she says she’s scared we should take that at face value. I’d rather run the risk of validating another woman’s experience falsely than invalidating it wrongly. It’s that invalidation and disbelief that puts people off disclosing.

The law does not take claims at face value, and nor should it.

Whether OP is telling the truth or not, she does not have the evidence to support her claim. That’s what matters here.

I am not taking about the law. Im talking about this thread.

We can advise the OP without minimising and invalidating her.

I agree. Although you might want your DC full time it's not realistic for the father to get some time alone with the DC. It can be draining bro going up a DC alone so use the time stbexh has DC to recharge and get a bit of me time.

Skepticism is not invalidation.

It’s unnecessary. Give advice but picking her apart isn’t helpful.

That’s fine on a chat forum or even with friends or family, it would be my position too, but it is not s courts, snd never ever should it be,

if courts started simply taking every accusation at face value, then where would it end, because women can and do make false accusations or over egg it to get whay they wish, and men can also do this, her ex can turn round and say it was her, she’s been stalking him, watching him, was shouting,being abusive,

so by your logic the court has to accept his account at face value too.

this isn’t about what randoms on line think, it’s about how a court must act, and with no evidence of any history or abuse and an op who stands to gain significantly if her accusations are accepted, then the court will not accept with no evidence,

this isn’t someone with nothing to gain.

I disagree. That she doesn’t want to hear it does not mean that it’s unnecessary and/or unhelpful.

She’s making claims that will be picked apart and very likely disregarded, and it would be in her interests to prepare for that (or avoid it altogether). A judge will not coddle her.

Oh dear god. I’m not talking about court. I’m talking about this thread. She’s been given a really hard time.

That can be said in an empathic and kind way. Picking her apart isn’t helpful.

She doesn’t and has been given advice to lower her expectations of getting the order.

That can be said without picking her apart. It can be said with kindness and compassion.