Weird situation between partner and surgeon

[SkittyGo]

I need surgery which is booked for next month

My partner is a surgeon (in the speciality which I’m under)

I chose to have surgery at a different hospital under a different team. Not because I don’t think DPs team couldn’t look after me, but we socialise with some of them and it felt too close to home (obviously DP wouldn’t be involved in my direct care regardless).

DP was pretty pissed off about my decision. We talked about it and I understand why he feels that way but I don’t agree.

DP has now taken to disagreeing or not being happy with the proposed treatment plan from my surgeon. One of the main points of contention is recovery time (my surgeon says 3 weeks off work, DP says 6 weeks).

DP has likened it to having a husband who is a bricklayer and then asking another company to come in and build a new wall for you. Obviously he isn’t suggesting he treats me at all, but doesn’t agree I shouldn’t have anyone in his unit treat me.

i feel like he’s now picking holes in my treatment plan because he’s unhappy with my decision.

Thoughts?

Not asking surgeons about their techniques is not ‘odd’ and doesn’t indicate that someone isn’t capable of receiving medical treatment, or self advocacy if needed @Ponderingwindow .

Steadfast refusal of @SkittyGo to respond to any gentle probing about the marriage beyond this issue….. so there’s other issues

@SkittyGo How about, you have the surgery and then when your 3 wks are nearly up - go to the GP and ask for a note signing you off for a further 3 wks due to your manual job. - would your DH be ok with that (to start with)?

Yes, this is what I was thinking,
Your health records are treated as confidential information and it would feel odd that people you socialise with would know information about your health records.
You are right to feel like that.
I would feel vulnerable and exposed.
Your feelings should be respected by your DP.
The recovery time will depend on how you feel. I think taking a little longer than 3 weeks off work would be reasonable.

Take the 3 weeks off to start with, then you will know how you feel at the time, then have a couple of more weeks from your GP.
The consultant is most likely talking in general, the time will vary for all patients due to their general health and ages.
Good luck with the operation.

it’s a loss of control he seems to be struggling with.

And that's a big issue. He's trying to control your body and this procedure by giving you grief about having it done outside his control.

Tell him to back off. See what he does.

His objections, come on. If you need your recovery time extended, your doc gives you a note. A hernia is a possible complications and you're aware of it. That's where he should stop.

He's not respecting your autonomy as a patient because he wants to be in control.

I get that and the analogy with the bricklayer - I don't have friends do work on my house because I want a business realtionship with those who do, I don't want situations where they're helping me out or I feel unable to say what I'm thinking, and frankly DH's response is proving you right.

That's quite some conjecture!

Of course it's not odd. OP needs to give informed consent, for which there are very clear guidelines.
Being informed doesn't mean knowing every detail of the procedure - where would you draw the line? It would be a 300 page document.

I don't think you are unreasonable to prefer not to be treated by people you know OP.
I have been treated in hospitals where I was working or have previously worked as sometimes it's unavoidable, especially in an emergency, and I have also treated colleagues and their families. It certainly can feel very awkward, from both sides of the fence. When I needed major elective surgery some years ago I chose a different Trust even though it could have been done locally. I was head of dept at the time and all my colleagues said they were relieved that they weren't going to be anaesthetising me! It wasn't because I didn't trust the staff and I know they would have all looked after me very well and behaved completely professionally but it is quite stressful to treat or be treated by someone you know. All other things being equal I would generally prefer to be treated somewhere where I'm relatively anonymous. I felt under a lot of pressure to be a "good" patient when in hospitals where I worked, and felt that the staff were often quite tense, especially regarding providing very personal care. I found it easier to be a patient elsewhere. I'd say that attitude is fairly common amongst hospital staff (especially senior ones) and their close family members. I've never felt in the slightest offended if one of our staff chose to be treated elsewhere. I'm surprised your partner is surprised by how you feel to be honest.

This

Seriously? I wouldn't want people I socialise with seeing me in such a vulnerable position either, to be honest. I'd find it really embarrassment, and would rather go to a hospital, where I know the staff as surgeons and not socially.

I think he would interfere and make suggestions and tell them the plan he would use rather allowing his team to operate without his "advice".

You are doing exactly the right thing by going to another hospital and he is just going to have to suck it up.

Wow. It’s really not about him, is it? Your reasoning is fairly valid but you really shouldn’t have to justify your decision. Is he generally a Prima Donna?

I would bloody absolutely hope this is not the case and that relatives of NHS staff do not get better treatment.

I dunno...she may not have noticed until this point.

Yeah, it was a joke.

I doubt the whole three or six weeks would be in the hospital! She'd be lucky if they kept her overnight.

I totally understand how you feel especially if it’s a gynaecological problem. Tad awks at dinner parties. If so tell him how you feel