Weird situation between partner and surgeon

[SkittyGo]

I need surgery which is booked for next month

My partner is a surgeon (in the speciality which I’m under)

I chose to have surgery at a different hospital under a different team. Not because I don’t think DPs team couldn’t look after me, but we socialise with some of them and it felt too close to home (obviously DP wouldn’t be involved in my direct care regardless).

DP was pretty pissed off about my decision. We talked about it and I understand why he feels that way but I don’t agree.

DP has now taken to disagreeing or not being happy with the proposed treatment plan from my surgeon. One of the main points of contention is recovery time (my surgeon says 3 weeks off work, DP says 6 weeks).

DP has likened it to having a husband who is a bricklayer and then asking another company to come in and build a new wall for you. Obviously he isn’t suggesting he treats me at all, but doesn’t agree I shouldn’t have anyone in his unit treat me.

i feel like he’s now picking holes in my treatment plan because he’s unhappy with my decision.

Thoughts?

I completely understand your perspective OP. I wouldnt want to be operated on by family friends either. Frankly (and in the nicest possible way!) I'm surprised any of your DH's team would want to or be allowed to treat you - I would have thought that this situation would throw up all sorts of ethical dilemmas.

It sounds like he is worried about you as any husband would be when their wife was having surgery. Him being a surgeon just makes it more difficult because he knows the way he would prefer it to be done.

Ultimately you don’t have to go back to normal duties after 3 weeks, you could take longer if needed, and he will be around to check on the recovery progress and keep an eye out for any issues.

It really does just sound like he is worried about you.

Im also a surgeons wife and totally get why you would choose another team to perform your surgery.
its about privacy, dignity and just wanting to be a patient rather than ‘Mr Joe Bloggs’ wife. You lose your own identity to your husbands position and it can leave you feeling exposed and vulnerable.
I was once admitted with a medical complication and my husbands colleague/friend was treating me. They discussed at length the best care plan with each other and then briefly told me what was going happen like it was a done deal. Though I was grateful for the care, I didn’t feel like a patient with options, I know I was treated differently albeit probably better.
Also, medical records are confidential for a reason and anyone within the treating team can read them.
My husband doesn’t understand my importance for privacy as he believes your healthcare tops it. It’s a tough one OP but if I were you I’d choose the Surgeon not socially connected to you.

I understand OP. I’ve recently had surgery and I ditched consultant because I didn’t like him and I didn’t want him in my body. It’s an intimate process and the relationship with your surgeon matters. Definitely wouldn’t want someone I see socially.

I think this just exposes different way of thinking that surgeons need to have in order to do the job that they do.

You view it as you the person and have made a decision based on how you feel as a person in terms of people you socialise with seeing you at your most vulnerable.

He knows that they'll see you the body part/interesting case and that there will be a disconnect between that and the you they see outside the hospital.

He knows his team, knows they are good and that you'll get a bit of extra care. He wants this to go well and his focus is purely surgical, yours is more holistic.

I don't think in this case either of you are necessarily wrong. Ultimately it's you having the surgery so your decision but I can understand why he wants what he'd consider the best for you and is frustrated he can't control in.

On the other hand, I'd feel like you do.

This makes complete sense. It should be enough.

He’s basically acting like a typical surgeon!
He’ll get over it, take it as he is showing he cares about you and wants you to be treated by the best surgeon in the world (him)

I completely understand your decision btw

Surgeons are encouraged to not operate on family members for professional and ethical reasons.

Im a clinician in a hospital OP and I go to another completely different hospital for my recent surgery and treatment.
I prefer to be anonymous as a patient. I really dont want to be in a vulnerable position in front of my colleagues, friends and students.
I think you can compromise if your husband thinks you should have 6 weeks recovery then have 6 weeks. It makes it seem you are listening if nothing else and he needs to understand you'd feel awkward having treat.ent from friends. Compromise is key. Ive done a lot of that over the years.

This. I struggle to understand your decision but you should of course be able to do what you feel comfortable with. Good luck with the surgery. Has your DH been to any meetings with your surgeon? Does he know him personally? He could come and suggest (gently!!) some tweaks in your care.

@Gwenhwyfar It's worse than that - the cobbler's children go unshod.

I think it's quite common for surgeons to like feeling in control. Clearly, he's one of them - and you have given the control to someone else.

The fact that it's about you, not him and what you need and want might need to be discussed.

I think you do need to talk to him - has he got good reasons for not liking or trusting this surgical team? Can he see your viewpoint about feeling vulnerable being seen by his team in the patient role?

Just to be clear - at no point has he suggested he should treat me personally.

He does know my surgeon, they were on rotation together in the past. My surgeon does not know my partner is a surgeon. Someone else up thread hit the nail on the head - I would like to be generic patient NOT Mr X’s partner

Says a lot that he thinks of patients the way a bricklayer thinks of brick walls. And the fact that the nurse upthread totally gets it because she sees patients as people without the surgeon's detachment. But you are a person and your body is not a pile of bricks so if you don't want your friends operating on it, that's fine and entirely understandable.

If he has genuine concerns about the hernia risk then they can kick in during your recovery and if you need to be off longer then you can, but he's muddied that with the brickie example, by making this about his ego not your well-being.

Stick with your own team absolutely, but why not take his advice re time off etc ?

Came here to say this.

That seems like a totally reasonable POV in my opinion.

You are absolutely correct to choose a different hospital and team.
God forbid anything goes wrong but what it did and you sued them for compensation. And your husband had to keep working with people who had hurt his wife.

I'm a HCP in theatres and I absolutely would not have surgery in my own centre unless it was a total emergency for the same reasons as you said.

Is he controlling in other ways or is this a total anomaly?

The 3 week / 6 week difference is neither her nor there I was in hospital last year for an emergency operation and my surgeon was only able to sign me off for a maximum of a month. This apparently is the “ rules where I am” and after that I would need a GP sign me off, I ended up being off work for the expected 2 months.
it’s hard being vulnerable in front of people you know, a few years ago I had a miscarriage and needed a D&C I ended up being treated by folks I know and although they were all lovely it made me feel I couldn’t cry or be devastated and angry in a way that I needed to be at that time, because I would need to see them afterwards and that was only for a day’s procedure.

I had a consultation and he was so unpleasant I told him I didn't want him to operate on me.

I think the posters who are surgeons/partners of surgeons/healthcare professionals totally understand and support your decision. The people who aren't are the majority of people saying 'aww the poor husband and his poor little ego'. They don't understand the ethics of this situation.

Completely agree with you. Loads of parents at my kids school are GPs and I would not want to be treated by any of them. I am not passing judgement on their skills, but I wouldn't feel comfortable being examined by them.

I didn't think surgeons could operate on their wives?

I don't blame you at all for wanting to keep things separate- you are so vulnerable in theatre-why would your DH not see you don't want his colleagues to see you like that?

It's also better for his colleagues - particularly the more junior ones/nursing staff. We've had family members of staff being treated before and it's really very difficult for us emotionally.

The big question is does your partner trust this surgeon? Sounds like he has some concerns-is it simply your recovery time? have you talked over them in detail? My DH is a surgeon also and if I needed surgery within his speciality I think he would probably like to be involved in giving me a short list of people he trusts as he knows their results and he is confident in the outcome.