Weird situation between partner and surgeon

[SkittyGo]

I need surgery which is booked for next month

My partner is a surgeon (in the speciality which I’m under)

I chose to have surgery at a different hospital under a different team. Not because I don’t think DPs team couldn’t look after me, but we socialise with some of them and it felt too close to home (obviously DP wouldn’t be involved in my direct care regardless).

DP was pretty pissed off about my decision. We talked about it and I understand why he feels that way but I don’t agree.

DP has now taken to disagreeing or not being happy with the proposed treatment plan from my surgeon. One of the main points of contention is recovery time (my surgeon says 3 weeks off work, DP says 6 weeks).

DP has likened it to having a husband who is a bricklayer and then asking another company to come in and build a new wall for you. Obviously he isn’t suggesting he treats me at all, but doesn’t agree I shouldn’t have anyone in his unit treat me.

i feel like he’s now picking holes in my treatment plan because he’s unhappy with my decision.

Thoughts?

I would trade all that in exchange for not having the embarrassment of being treated by people I knew.
I might be unusual though because I never understood people who wanted a midwife they had made a relationship with during pregnancy. I wanted to rock up, be dealt with by someone I hadn’t seen before and wouldn’t see again and then go home. Obviously I wanted them to be kind and professional but not to see them elsewhere ever.

Sounds like he is being caring protective and concerned for your well being.
I think you need to acknowledge that if you love him.
I thought you were going to say he thought you could go back to work sooner.
He is taking the precautionary principle.
He doesn't want you to take any chances with your recovery.
I can understand your point about being naked in front of people you meet socially.
But don't make the whole thing into a conflict.

He probably feels that he'd prefer if everyone treating you did know you were Mr Names wife.
I'd feel the same if I were him.
How things ought to be and how they are vary.
Unless there are other underlying issues I'd say be grateful for a caring husband.

That’s really not how it works.

You don't want to socialise with people who have seen you at your most vulnerable and potentially naked. That's perfectly reasonable

There's a reason why doctors are discouraged from treating family members and I get why OP chose another hospital, no matter what he says he will interfere if it was with his colleagues and he has proven it even with another hospital.

He needs to step back and stop being a dick. This is all about OP and her comfort getting the surgery not his pride.

And she has also said she socially meets with his colleagues as well so she is perfectly within her right to choose to have the surgery elsewhere. He needs to respect her choice and support her.

"Surgeons are discouraged from treating family members because emotional attachments can compromise professional objectivity, potentially leading to biased clinical judgments, skipped medical history questions, or understated risks. This practice creates significant ethical and legal risks, including compromised patient autonomy (where family members may feel pressured to consent), blurred confidentiality boundaries, and the potential for severe personal relationship strain if surgical outcomes are unsatisfactory."

While I love a bit of man bashing, it sounds to me like he is concerned about his wife.
Has he contacted the surgeon in question @SkittyGo ?
I have learned, from experience, to always double the recommended recovery time. Though I once got told by a surgeon I would be 'home in time to cook my husband's supper'. I did not cook my husbands supper that night or any night for the following two weeks. He is a phenomenal cook, he made me some cracking meals.

Just tell him to let you do your thing and he will be there to sort out any issues won't he?

I think its your body and you get to choose, however if it is a hernia I have known people up and at it at 3 weeks and those that were still a bit ginger at 6.
So mind yourself afterwards and be open to the fact it may vary.

It's not like the builder / wall thing at all. Your builder isn't going to see you undressed, or coming out of anaesthetic and talking gibberish.

DP sounds like he's more concerned with his ego than what's best for you. He's not crediting you with the intelligence or even the right to make your own medical decisions. He sounds like the sort of clever person who acts like everyone but him is stupid. I think in your position I'd be telling him very firmly than this isn't the way I want to be relating to my partner. Maybe you're not as clever as a surgeon, but you're not stupid, your body is your own and you make your own medical decisions.

Presumably, if you do not feel ready to go back to work after three weeks, you are perfectly capable of having your sicknote extended?

He’s wrong saying ‘you need to challenge that’ about the recovery period before returning to work. Understandable he wants you to recover and be well to return. The surgeon has given their opinion about it, which differs from DH’s, but there’s no need to ‘challenge’ anything - it’s you who will decide post op, and the GP who can sign you off as necessary.

No it isn’t a hernia operation - he is concerned about me getting an incisional hernia if I go back to work too soon (I do a fairly physical job)

He hasn’t contacted the other surgeon, that would be frankly outrageous behaviour and the other surgeon would be breaking my confidentiality talking to him about it. He doesn’t come to my appointments, not least because he needs to book leave at a minimum of 6 weeks ahead. They know each other from their speciality rotation , not general core surgical but that’s by the by really. He isn’t concerned about him or his outcomes as a surgeon . Off the back of this thread I’ve had another long chat with him, it’s a loss of control he seems to be struggling with.

If he is concerned about his wife then he should have asked if he could attend her appointments with her and politely expressed his concerns to the surgeon and asked for his thoughts. But he didn't do that. He made his own feelings the most important thing in the OP's treatment and he has made her feel less than confident about her treatment plan.

Of course he shouldn't be treating her himself. Dh is a physician and he will give his opinion but would never insist on treating us. he often goes with me or the children and asks questions - not in an arrogant or insulting way but to make sure we are getting the best treatment. But then he isn't an arrogant ass and I suspect the OP's husband is.

I hope your surgeon is a woman, OP. Statistically they have better outcomes whether they are operating on men or women.

Surely there would be a conflict of interest here @SkittyGo if you were under your partner's team. So by going with a different hospital, you are actually preventing a conflict of interest.

Also, if your partner or a close colleague who wasn't treating you accessed your medical records, they would be breaching confidentiality and professional standards.

And that exactly the issue.

Tyere is a reason why doctors aren’t allowed to look after, diagnose, do suregry on family/friends. That’s because they’re notoriously shit at looking after people close them (ask children if parents who are doctors).

Him not doing the surgery is great. If he has any control on whatever happens afterwards (or during or the type of procedure), then its an issue. The fa t that he has no control over the procedure would be imo a good thing.

Alsothe OP is entitied to chose who is going to look after her. It’s totally ok fur her to say she doesn’t want people close to her, that she will meet outside work Seeimg her at her most vulnerable time. I’d find it quite worrying from a DOCTIR to not automatically acknowledge she should have full authority on who is doing what re the surgery.

I’m not a surgeon and I would be annoyed with you as a spouse. You are having surgery and you haven’t asked about likely surgical techniques. That is odd.

I think you need to bring your husband or another person with you to your appointments if you aren’t capable of being a strong advocate and participant in your own care.

I would take the six weeks off , he is probably right about that , we are expected to recover far to quickly nowadays .

It's completely normal that you want to retain your privacy and dignity around people you socialize with. These people would know your private medical information and possibly have seen some private body parts that you would prefer they didn't. Also, would they be asking your husband to weigh in on your treatment because of their loyalty to him as a colleague? Because that would not be ok with me.

I was in a birthing class and another pregnant woman there was a doctor at that hospital. She wasn't an obstetrician but she was a doctor there. She chose to give birth at a whole different hospital because she felt uncomfortable giving birth under the care of people she knew socially and professionally. It turns out that even though doctors jokingly say they don't care about seeing you undressed because they "do this all day," that actually for doctors themselves, they do want to retain their dignity! If she can do it, so can you!

Assuming that all the doctors and hospitals you'll be using are licensed to do these procedures, IMO your husband's behavior is controlling. He is putting his ego and his friends' egos above your dignity and privacy.

Yes, it is difficult. I once went for a gynaecological procedure and discovered the chap doing it volunteered at the same charity as me, and I knew him quite well, but only as an acquaintance. It was very surreal having what I can only describe as a cocktail party conversation whilst in stirrups and having him rumaging round in my ladyparts....

If he's worried you won't get adequate care, you can drop into your conversation with your own doctor something like, "My husband Bob Smith is also a Whatsitologist at Blabbityblah Hospital and he suggested that I might need more than 3 weeks recovery time because of the very physical nature of my job. What are your thoughts? Would you be willing to write me a recovery note for 6 weeks off work?"

and from a medical professional point of view I do understand why he might be hurt as he will be seeing it as a reflection on him and his colleagues.

@ScaredButUnavoidable And in a professional pov, he (and you!) should know better than not allowing a patient full consent to treatment. And you’re not giving that when you’re pressuring a patient to have surgery with one person vs another.
Youre also creating major issues re treatment and the pressure his colleagues will be under (to do it the way he wants, to get it right etc…).
And, as it sounds like hed be involved even if he isn’t operating the OP, you have all the stuff about not being impartial in his assessment p.

Ego should t be running the show

I understand his POV, he knows his team and trusts them, and in turn believes you should trust him.

Aside from that, with respect to the discharge, why would you doubt his advice? His point sounds sensible?

That's completely reasonable. Unless the other team has some shocking issues compared to similar surgical teams, you're completely reasonable having it done by them! At no point have you said you don't trust your husband's team. Just that it would be uncomfortable.

I dint know but the OP sounds like has a quite good grasps of what she wants. And that’s not beimg operated on by her dh and his team.

The fact her dh is worried about time to recover (could be anything g else really) says nothing about the understanding of tge OP or her ability to advocate further herself. Unless off you assume her dh is automatically right (because he is a man? Her dh?who knows)

So he’s not concerned about the surgeon’s capability or patient outcomes. Good.

He’s the problem here - his behaviour doesn’t reflect well on him, personally, as a spouse or professionally.

Why should the OP automatically dismiss her surgeon advice? When according to her dh is a pretty good surgeon anyway?