Weird situation between partner and surgeon

[SkittyGo]

I need surgery which is booked for next month

My partner is a surgeon (in the speciality which I’m under)

I chose to have surgery at a different hospital under a different team. Not because I don’t think DPs team couldn’t look after me, but we socialise with some of them and it felt too close to home (obviously DP wouldn’t be involved in my direct care regardless).

DP was pretty pissed off about my decision. We talked about it and I understand why he feels that way but I don’t agree.

DP has now taken to disagreeing or not being happy with the proposed treatment plan from my surgeon. One of the main points of contention is recovery time (my surgeon says 3 weeks off work, DP says 6 weeks).

DP has likened it to having a husband who is a bricklayer and then asking another company to come in and build a new wall for you. Obviously he isn’t suggesting he treats me at all, but doesn’t agree I shouldn’t have anyone in his unit treat me.

i feel like he’s now picking holes in my treatment plan because he’s unhappy with my decision.

Thoughts?

I feel for him a little, he must feel like you think hes a shit surgeon

Do you have other troubles? X

My dh is a surgeon and wpuld never act like this. He's being a dick

Ah yes the fragile ego of the surgeon. Why is it more important to him that his team is recognised than your dignity and comfort? (I’m going to assume this isn’t something like it’s a heart transplant and he’s the leading heart transplant surgeon in the country).

The difference between God and a surgeon/consultant is????

I can totally understand he’s pissed off with you. He wants you under his team because he wants the best for you and he has control over that. He can be assured you’re being looked after the way he want you to be. It’s a bit insulting you’ve discarded his knowledge and skill for a team yoh don’t know.

He needs to take a step back, as a dr, and a step up as a husband

He’s not respecting your rights as a patient is he? Must have missed that day of training…

Ok so mixed responses 🤦‍♀️

The best way I can describe it is I feel quite vulnerable being exposed and asking for care from people we socialise with?

It’s totally fair enough. Your husband is being an arrogant idiot

The recovery time is sort of irrelevant. It may take 6 weeks but you can deal with that at the 2-3 week mark, prepare your work for up to 6 weeks.

Its a difficult one, Im a surgeon and if DH were to have my type of surgery Id rather he went to another unit, but probably someone I've worked with in the past. The risk of being treated at my unit is if something goes wrong your in a tricky position, and its quite reasonable to not want people you socialise with to know your medical history etc.

However on the other foot your DH may have genuine issues with the other surgeons treatment plan

Ultimately its your body and your decision where you go for your surgery, and your DH is being an arse to be pissed off

A huge percentage of surgeons are arrogant arseholes who think they know best ... unfortunately, it sounds like your husband is one of them.

He needs to pull his head in and support your decision and keep a helpful, calm eye on the situation

I’m a nurse and I completely understand how you feel. Of course you don’t want people you socially mix with looking after you.

I’m shocked your DH doesn’t get that.

The recovery time issue is around when I return to work.

DP concerned i’m going to get an incisional hernia going back that soon/they aren’t considering your personal circumstances/its a cookie cutter discharge plan

Yes. I agree with this.

It's quite normal not to treat family and friends.
Your husband is an *ss.

I would consider whether this is some level of anxiety / worry on his part playing out. You will be the person that will
know
about recovery time. If you’re back up and about at full kilter at 3 weeks great. If not it will be longer. Different people mean different things by recovery

Your husband is being very unreasonable in his attitude. Yes you should be able to choose the other team and feel more comfortable later socialising with those your husband works with.

Totally understandable

If the main contention is recovery time that’s pretty easy to sort - prepare your work for 6 weeks and if you need less then that’s great. I can see both sides, he knows and trusts his team and you understandably don’t want people you socialise with giving you such personal care.

I’d listen to his concerns, is a hernia a known potential complication and if so how can he help you guard against that. It feels really silly not to listen to his knowledge on point of principle.

But at this stage your return to work date is a guesstimate. You just tell work you will be off for at least three weeks.

His bricklayer argument doesn't hold up when you know people who are married to builders/painters/decorators and see the hundreds of jobs that need doing in their homes.

Putting a distance between you and people you have a personal relationship with (friends, acquaintances, family) is an absolutely reasonable thing to do and I don't see why he's fussing about recovery time - if you need more than 3 weeks, you deal with it at the time, if you don't, all well and good.

Thats completely reasonable.

Im sure your husbands team are completely professional, caring for you would be so run of the mill from your husbands perspective operating on someone doesn't affect how you interact with them socially. But its quite understandable that it would make you feel uncomfortable

Does your surgeon know your husband is also a surgeon in that area? Is he someone known to your husband? Have you discussed your discharge with your surgeon? Are they declining to sign you off for 6 weeks post op? Because that seems quite an easy work around

Why can't you be signed off for three weeks and then get the extra three weeks later?
Can the GP do that even or does it have to be decided by the surgeon before you even have the operation?

"His bricklayer argument doesn't hold up when you know people who are married to builders/painters/decorators and see the hundreds of jobs that need doing in their homes."

What's the expression? The cobbler's' kids have bad shoes?

I completely understand. You are at your most vulnerable and want to retain your dignity. I would do the same and many of my colleagues opt for is within other theatre departments for this reason. I'm not sure if many people on here appreciated how exposed you are during an op, I would not want a friendship group seeing me like that.