Weird situation between partner and surgeon

[SkittyGo]

I need surgery which is booked for next month

My partner is a surgeon (in the speciality which I’m under)

I chose to have surgery at a different hospital under a different team. Not because I don’t think DPs team couldn’t look after me, but we socialise with some of them and it felt too close to home (obviously DP wouldn’t be involved in my direct care regardless).

DP was pretty pissed off about my decision. We talked about it and I understand why he feels that way but I don’t agree.

DP has now taken to disagreeing or not being happy with the proposed treatment plan from my surgeon. One of the main points of contention is recovery time (my surgeon says 3 weeks off work, DP says 6 weeks).

DP has likened it to having a husband who is a bricklayer and then asking another company to come in and build a new wall for you. Obviously he isn’t suggesting he treats me at all, but doesn’t agree I shouldn’t have anyone in his unit treat me.

i feel like he’s now picking holes in my treatment plan because he’s unhappy with my decision.

Thoughts?

@MrsMitford3 ,they can legally but it's discouraged.

We had a family member treated for cancer, and the theatre nurse was a neighbour and gave unwanted detailed descriptions of the procedure.

Also the wife of a surgeon and a nurse myself. Notice how all of us in the same position would go somewhere else if possible. Where possible, I prefer not to have the people l socialise with doing any part of my medical care.

as healthcare professionals we do compartmentalise if we know people socially, it doesn’t mean we have to opt for that as patients.

I would feel exactly as you do.

It doesn't matter how impartial they feel they could be as a surgeon, doing this every day - you are the patient having this done once to your body - your own comfort should be the priority.

When I had my son I was on the ward with a woman who's close friend was the midwife on duty who delivered her baby.
She said it was a very strange experience so I can understand the op not wanting the surgeon to be someone she socialises with.

I can see both sides to be honest. I have a medic in the family (not a surgeon) and I have had them involved in my care and would want that because I trust them and also know they will advocate for me more strongly than anyone else will. Things absolutely do go wrong in the NHS and sometimes that is through a lack of prioritisation amid chronic overwhelm (understandably) - rightly or wrongly, a family member on the team does help with that. But I also understand where you are coming from about it being too close to home (although in my case said family member has seen me on the operating table (just in the room not participating) and I wasn't at all bothered.

My point overall I guess being that your decision is fine but he is probably just coming from a place of worry and wanting the very best for you.

I wouldn’t want to be exposed to people in my circle so think your decision is normal

@quequerido @VictoriaEra

She hasn't. She's not disrespected him at all.

Would you want people you socialise with inserting a catheter into your urethra? Seeing your boobs? Seeing you unconscious? What if she poops on the table? I certainly wouldn't.

There's also reasons why medica shouldn't be treating their own friends and families. There are professional guidelines around this.

@SkittyGo Personally I think it's a case of you do you
Explain to husband to protect his ego your feelings about the situation and it's nothing to do with him you just don't want the people you socialise with to operate on you (I'd say that's a personal choice). Take his advice on time off work, but tbh that depends on what your procedure and your recovery - again personal to you. So depends on post surgery as to what is definitely needed, but your health/recovery of course comes first.
No point falling out with your husband pre surgery...ask him to be your best friend and support you in this.

the surgeon is pleased to have God on the team (according to a wonderful consultant I used to work with)

Is your partner controlling in other ways @SkittyGo ?

I thought that training day only took place for doctors in private practice ?

It's not him who will be operating. Would you really appreciate friends you socialise with seeing you intimately maybe? I know I'd be uncomfortable.

Yes having read the updates, I get it more now.

I think the husband is embarrassed but this situation could be resolved by standing by his wife!

(I dont know any surgeons irl so was viewing it from a protective husband standpoint) x

The fact that you have posted this indicates to me that there’s deeper issues here

@SkittyGo The recovery time debate is theoretical and based on average recovery times.

What happens in reality is you will be given fit notes stating you are unfit for work until you and, usually, your GP decide you are fit to return to work. Depending on the type of work, the type of surgery etc. a phased return maybe appropriate or a limited work I.e. no manual handling at all etc.

I would say to your DH that you have no intention of returning to work until everyone agrees you are fit to do so.

I've had surgery and I know those people saw me naked, inserted a catheter, drains. Saw my breasts. Saw me freak out when I woke up etc

I would not want my husbands colleagues to be witness to that if it was an elective choice! (Different in emergency situation)

He is making your surgery about him and his ego and feelings, not you. He is involving himself in your treatment with his opinions and disagreement with your choices.

Here, it's considered unethical to treat friends or family. So if you socialize with them, they shouldn't be treating you. But that is apparently not the case where you are.

I personally would want the best team that I had no personal involvement with as I would want them to be objective in their decisions. But there is the factor of them pushing the extra mile for you that they wouldn't for someone unknown to them. Or, they could be overly involved in your care like your husband is. So there's drawbacks and advantages.

Surely, he understands this choice is yours not his?
As for how long off work you need to recover depends on your personal recovery.
Does he have criticisms of the surgical team you are going with or techniques used or is it just the suggested recovery time?
Sounds abit like surgeons ego or giving him the benefit of the doubt he could just be worried about you!

I work in a university (not med ed) with various people from an HCP background and whenever things like this are discussed, they all say they would go somewhere else - they don't want their own colleagues or students seeing them.

This is a really normal position and the fact that your partner doesn't recognise that is a bit worrying.

OP several people have asked about the wider relationship. Does he ever try to control your choices more generally?

If his team know you socially, then they also shouldn’t be involved in your care. So it’s better for everyone that you go to another hospital. It protects everyone.

I think he needs to understand that just as the dignity and privacy of each of his patients is always paramount when discussing their treatment and care, his wife’s expectation of both of those things is no less important. You are not choosing another team for their expertise - one would hope BOTH teams are sufficiently qualified and experienced - but in order to prioritise that need for privacy and dignity beyond the clinical setting, into your private and social life.

If he doesn’t get that, then I’d question both his professionalism and whether he actually loved me - and tell him so.

I would listen to your husband’s issues with the plan. He may be right.

See I’m the opposite.

I’m a nurse and would 100% want to be under the care of people I know and trust even if I did know them all socially.

I think it’s personal choice OP so whereas I can totally understand your husbands reaction and can’t fathom why you’d chose another team to look after you, I can also understand why you as a person might.

Your husband is taking it personally which I can understand, but that’s because he doesn’t understand your reasons for your choice.

All you can do is keep reassuring him that your choice was based on what you personally felt comfortable with and not because you don’t trust his colleagues as health care providers.

Well then you just get additional sick notes from your GP for work and say you don't feel well enough yet. He is harping on about a non issue.

And tbh, you are not being unreasonable in not wanting to be treated by people you socialise with. They probably wouldn't want that for themselves.

Can another family member or friend do some of the consultant visits with you. Then you can have a nice girly decompression over coffee and cake after.

I do agree with your DH about the hernia risk of going back too early. I have one from the same thing and it's been a lifelong problem. Saying that, it's entirely up to you when you feel well enough to go back to work so you can go against the 3 weeks suggestion, and that's all it is, a suggestion.

In this country you need to advocate and have agency for your own care and your own decisions around it. This includes asking your hubby to take a step back.

IME God doesn't have an ego, and is compassionate. That is based on most of the FMU surgeons I've had the displeasure of meeting.