Weird situation between partner and surgeon

[SkittyGo]

I need surgery which is booked for next month

My partner is a surgeon (in the speciality which I’m under)

I chose to have surgery at a different hospital under a different team. Not because I don’t think DPs team couldn’t look after me, but we socialise with some of them and it felt too close to home (obviously DP wouldn’t be involved in my direct care regardless).

DP was pretty pissed off about my decision. We talked about it and I understand why he feels that way but I don’t agree.

DP has now taken to disagreeing or not being happy with the proposed treatment plan from my surgeon. One of the main points of contention is recovery time (my surgeon says 3 weeks off work, DP says 6 weeks).

DP has likened it to having a husband who is a bricklayer and then asking another company to come in and build a new wall for you. Obviously he isn’t suggesting he treats me at all, but doesn’t agree I shouldn’t have anyone in his unit treat me.

i feel like he’s now picking holes in my treatment plan because he’s unhappy with my decision.

Thoughts?

The GMC good practice guidelines state that doctors should avoid treating those with whom they have a close personal relationship.

I think that includes spouse and people you socialise with.

I would actually take notice of this. However, if you get to the end of three weeks and aren't 100% well, then take more time off. I had a surgical experience like this, this year. It was much harder on my body than I thought it would be.

Totally understand that you don't want a surgical team that you know socially, to operate. If he knows and trusts his team he may just be manifesting his fear of something bad happening to you

He is BU not to respect your decision.
mIs it possible he’s anxious about you going to another unit where he won’t be able to get everyone to keep a close eye on you and make sure you are really well looked after?

Something like that, 'doctors' wives die young and cobblers' wives go barefoot'. It's quite an old saying.

I couldn't serve my ex husband when I worked at Sainsbury's, I did think doctors/nurses couldn't look after family members, although that may be wrong. (There was a heartbreaking news story of a paramedic in Canada attending a car crash only to find one of the young women was her daughter, who didn't survive.)

I don't get the issue with recovery time. If you're off 3 weeks and not ready to go back to work, you just go to your GP and ask to be signed off longer.

Surely he must know, at least know off the other team and trust them? I agree that it sounds like an ego thing. I get whey you'd prefer going elsewhere.

But @ScaredButUnavoidable surely the question is not, what would you want yourself, but more, would you recognise it is a normal reasonable position and not badger about it?

Like, I don't know what kind of nurse you are, but let's say you might do catheterisation. Imagine a school run mum or your SIL said "oh gosh I would feel so uncomfortable with you doing that for me".

Would you
A think what a weirdo and argue with her why she was all wrong
Or
B think well, I don't feel like that, but I know lots would, and after all patient dignity is important

Because surely that's the issue - she is facing surgery but she's having to spend time placating his worries, not focusing on preparation and recovery?

DP has likened it to having a husband who is a bricklayer and then asking another company to come in and build a new wall for you. Obviously he isn’t suggesting he treats me at all, but doesn’t agree I shouldn’t have anyone in his unit treat me.

Not a great allegory. The bricklaying doesn’t require you to be unconscious and naked.

I would just say to him, darling, can you honestly say that you would be comfortable being catheterised by friendx that we go out for dinner with? It's no reflection on your team, just I'd like to retain some dignity with our friendship group.

He probably genuinely thinks his team is the best and doesn't understand why you wouldn't trust his judgement in his speciality. He wants the best for you and thinks his team is the best, I understand why he is annoyed that you prefer to trust your health to strangers. You may not see it as a criticism of his professional capabilities but I expect he does.

Only if he has a massive chip on his shoulder and minimal understanding of medical ethics.

You are naked on the operating table, you have a catheter in, they may need to turn you, it is extremely exposing. I wouldn't want to be in that situation in front of people I socialise with.

and this is exactly why it's very strongly advised that doctors don't treat people they know. The personal and professional boundaries become blurred and objectivity, neutrality and impartiality are very hard to maintain.

And this is all aside from the main concern OP has - she just doesn't want people she knows socially to operate on her.

God knows he's not a surgeon.

I can see it from both sides but ultimately your husband is wrong and this is your decision

My uncle is a surgeon and I thought this too. You're not meant to get special treatment on the NHS only because your family works there, but there is definitely a lower risk of receiving subprime care due to the current state of the NHS. You would receive proper treatment that every patient should if the NHS wasn't on its knees

All I can say is DH had a hernia went back to work too soon, OP failed had to go back in be opened up rather than keyhole. Was a much bigger operation.

Assuming you're having your surgery on the NHS, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever heard and I can't believe anyone married to a doctor would think like this. Why wouldn't you want to be treated as a special case and get the best possible treatment? It's not just the surgery itself, it's things like being prioritised for a private room in the hospital if there's one available and easy access to your medical team if you have any post-op complications once you get home.

My father is a surgeon and would NEVER have a family member under his care. He’d have strong feelings about who we went to, and would make recommendations, though.

I’m quite surprised at your DH’s reaction, tbh.

Why does anyone extrapolate from this that the OP intends to go back to work too soon? Presumably she'll go back when she's ready and get a further fit note if needed.

To answer some questions:

no - absolutely not controlling at all. He seems to be more anxious/questioning as it gets closer.

The fit note issue came about because he asked how long I was planning on taking off and I said the surgeon had advised 3 weeks, he immediately said “that’s wrong; you’re going to need longer, you’re going to get a hernia, you need to challenge that”. He’s annoyed I don’t have all the details of specific techniques being used (my argument being most patients wouldn’t be given specific surgical plans? I don’t know if I actually want to know all the details of how they are doing the surgery)

And yes, there probably is an element of him being proud of his unit and the work they do.

That’s a really unusual (and unreasonable) position for a clinician to take, in my experience.

The difference is that God doesn't think he's a surgeon.

It’s not disregarding the knowledge. It’s OP not wanting people she is friends with potentially seeing her naked, changing her catheter… having an acquaintance see you at your most vulnerable and then have to have cocktails with them a few weeks later seems awkward to me. I don’t know any to ever have been needy, dependant or vulnerable around my husbands colleagues and I think that’s a normal feeling.

My dh had hernia op and was told 3 weeks. But not manual job.

You say ‘dp, I trust you but you cannot do my surgery and you know it. I like and trust your team but they are not my husband and I don’t want to be that vulnerable and naked in front of people I know. You like and trust my friend sally presumably, and I also assume you don’t want to be naked in front of her, even assuming men feel less vulnerable about that. So can you please support me in my choice not to use your team, and let’s focus on how you can help me? I can take 6 weeks if I need, we can easily manage that difference of opinion.’