Weird situation between partner and surgeon

[SkittyGo]

I need surgery which is booked for next month

My partner is a surgeon (in the speciality which I’m under)

I chose to have surgery at a different hospital under a different team. Not because I don’t think DPs team couldn’t look after me, but we socialise with some of them and it felt too close to home (obviously DP wouldn’t be involved in my direct care regardless).

DP was pretty pissed off about my decision. We talked about it and I understand why he feels that way but I don’t agree.

DP has now taken to disagreeing or not being happy with the proposed treatment plan from my surgeon. One of the main points of contention is recovery time (my surgeon says 3 weeks off work, DP says 6 weeks).

DP has likened it to having a husband who is a bricklayer and then asking another company to come in and build a new wall for you. Obviously he isn’t suggesting he treats me at all, but doesn’t agree I shouldn’t have anyone in his unit treat me.

i feel like he’s now picking holes in my treatment plan because he’s unhappy with my decision.

Thoughts?

But the OP may not have lots of time and he is being unprofessional.

I am an academic and it is really normal for my friends' kids to look round our place on an open day and go "eurgh not applying there, don't want to go to uni with mum's friends!"

Objectively our institution is amongst the best in the UK but it's quite common to reject it out of hand for this reason.

And the correct is always that we don't express disappointment, we get over ourselves, even if we secretly think that x or y where they are going instead is less good. Cos it's not about us.

Oh, we understand, we just may not agree!

@SkittyGo You are the patient; it is your decision entirely what factors weigh into your consent for the surgery and how much importance you give them. Your dignity and privacy matter and your partner should respect your choices.

His refusal to do so makes it sound like he wouldn't respect your right to your own medical treatment being private in the hospital he works in, he would be checking in to see if it meets 'his standards'.

Best for him to have one role in this scenario - that of the supportive partner of the patient. Anything else muddies the waters.

How is it possible that your DP knows your surgeon through work but your surgeon doesn't know your DP is a surgeon?

I assume DP hasn't been attending appointments with you?

Regardless it's your surgery so your choice @SkittyGo

In the past, my surgeons did my sick/fit notes as they had a significantly better idea than my GP as to recovery time. (And it saved that drip drip drip of consecutive for notes from a GP - easier for my employer to deal with)

Rotation could have been before they chose their specialities. They may not have kept in touch. OP's partner knows her surgeon is a surgeon because they are going to be the one doing the operation. OP's surgeon will have no reason to know that her partner also chose to be a surgeon.

Get sick notes from the GP practice online - not really any choice since they no longer do (face to face) appointments from what I can tell. They even have a dedicated part of their website for sick notes 🤦‍♀️ . I don’t think it’s great

Maybe he's annoyed because the other surgeon must be better if they can get you back to work in three weeks but him doing the surgery would have you off for six......

I totally get you wanting to be a generic patient.
I ended up in the hospital that is attached to my work and some of the staff knew me/visiting colleagues. Thankfully none of the folks treating me were on the course I taught on at the time (a higher education teaching cert) because I wouldn't have wanted them to see my insides!
So I understand where you are coming from, and it sounds like you have choice of hospital and care to be able to decide which team etc.
Hope all goes well for you.💐

There's more to it than that to be honest.

The reason your DH couldn't operate is because of emotion creeping in to what needs to be a clinical task.

Obviously there are degrees of emotion from family, through friends to acquaintances, but I really wouldn't want mine getting all blood pressurey because "Bob's wife's op isn't going well."

Of course they care for their patient in the abstract sense of knowing they are human, but beyond that you really want someone clinical.

I feel sorry for your husband. He’s presumably good at his job. It must be very hard to trust someone else to look after you when he knows so much about the surgery and aftercare, and is looking out for your best interests (ie the longer recovery time). Am assuming the other surgeon is assuming normal/best case recovery while your husband knows the potential pitfalls and wants to avoid them for you. It must be very difficult for you OP but I’m sure hes trying to look out for you, it’s just making it more stressful for you.

I really doubt that. I imagine it’s more concern with NHS potentially trying to rush to free up beds/get you signed off their books.

Not a surgeon. Not married or involved with one. As soon as you said the situation I agreed entirely with you.

ive had…. Upwards of 30 operations. Under general anaesthetic.

once I came round fighting, a teenager at the time, and my feet and fists were trying to connect with anyone near me…I’m still embarrassed now and that was 30 years ago nearly…

another, purely elective surgery, the team were AMAZING, but I’d not mentioned my feet are permanently cold. So as they’re booling my back to my room they’d put heated blankets and a heater on my feet because they had gone purple (standard) and as I was disoriented and out of it I had a right go at them. I apologised profusely afterwards and the nurse couldn’t stop laughing at me when I went in a couple of days later for my post surgery massage.

when I gave birth I told the midwife off for where she jabbed me with oethedine.

normally I’m really really easy going and laid back. I’d be mortified for someone I know to see me like that, I was mortified by my behaviour and made the apologies and sent the flowers and biscuits but knowing I never had to see these people again was the only solace I had.

even now, prepping for a hysterectomy my exDH is super involved (he’s paying for it) and is really really supportive and lovely, but do I heck want him in the consultation room with me.

we have a right to privacy and dignity. I believe they’re tenets of the CQC. That is removed when we know the care team.

The recovery time issue is easy. Just go to your GP to be signed off beyond the 3 weeks. You're the patient, your choices take priority.

What’s the marriage otherwise like? This issue completely aside?

If the recovery time is the main issue, then after 3 weeks request your GP signs you off for a further however long required. That won’t be a problem.

I don’t blame you for not wanting surgery in the department your partner works in. I wouldn’t want to be cared for by people I see socially either.

Ah yes. Makes sense! Thanks for explaining.

I'm assuming he has your best interests at heart. If, in his expert opinion, he is concerned that you are not being offered the appropriate care then he is right to speak up.

That is what I think. But presumably because we love and trust our partners and no back story, which there will be with the OP given she’s starting this thread about him

Yes, this. I'm surprised by his reaction. My mother is a doctor and will weigh in on things but wants as many layers of separation as possible between her and our care. She would steer us towards or away from certain people and protocols, but would very definitely not want us under the care of friends and close colleagues. I thought that was pretty universal?

I'd say cool I'll take 6 weeks off if you fund my existence for three of them? Or shall I go back at some point after 3 weeks when I actually personally feel capable enough?

Yes, so did I.

I can totally understand this view. However, I think a lot of people would feel the same as you and feel quite vulnerable having surgery and being looked after by a team that you socialise with. You should be able to resolve this just as a conversation. Is he just unhappy with the recovery time estimate or is it other things? If it’s just the former then so what? Recovery time will be what it is, and just go with DH’s estimate. If there is more, like he knows the surgeon or gas additional questions, can you raise those questions with the surgeon?

Your husband is proving why family aren't allowed to be involved in families medical care!

Exactly this. Also thought it was standard!