Weird situation between partner and surgeon

[SkittyGo]

I need surgery which is booked for next month

My partner is a surgeon (in the speciality which I’m under)

I chose to have surgery at a different hospital under a different team. Not because I don’t think DPs team couldn’t look after me, but we socialise with some of them and it felt too close to home (obviously DP wouldn’t be involved in my direct care regardless).

DP was pretty pissed off about my decision. We talked about it and I understand why he feels that way but I don’t agree.

DP has now taken to disagreeing or not being happy with the proposed treatment plan from my surgeon. One of the main points of contention is recovery time (my surgeon says 3 weeks off work, DP says 6 weeks).

DP has likened it to having a husband who is a bricklayer and then asking another company to come in and build a new wall for you. Obviously he isn’t suggesting he treats me at all, but doesn’t agree I shouldn’t have anyone in his unit treat me.

i feel like he’s now picking holes in my treatment plan because he’s unhappy with my decision.

Thoughts?

I disagree. I would feel like the OP.

The GP can easily sign you off for more time if you need, it’s nothing to do with the surgeon after discharge. Both me and my husband have had large surgeries requiring hefty time off and our surgeons played little to no part in our doctors letters to work.

I’d feel exactly the same if I were in your shoes for the actual op. However post op is it an option to take his advice of the 6 weeks off as I assume more time off isn’t detrimental whereas if your surgeon said 6 weeks and your partner said 3 weeks that might be more of an issue? Appreciate there may be more to it and obvs would be lovely if he could let you make own choices without putting beak in but if your roles were reversed you’d probably fall into same trap. Either way hope all goes well with it.

I went to work after 3 wks after an open appendix removal, that had ruptured and gone gangrenous. They signed me off for 3wks at the hospital and I didn’t even think to ask for more time. I was pushing a pram 15 mins (up a hill) to nursery and commuting into London 5 days a week then. I did struggle and in hindsight I should have rested for longer. But you can see how you feel at week 3,

I get this. I have a friend whose husband is a retired consultant and their social circle contains quite a few medics including GP's She says openly that she will not see any of them for medical matters because she wants to keep a gap between social and professional.
Actually I am a bit surprised that your partner would be allowed to have you under his care. I get that he wouldn't be operating on you personally but it would be his team. It was quite a while ago now but in the NHS we had the parent of a team leader admitted to the hospital I worked in. She had to hand the supervision of her parent's care over to another clinician and could only visit him in the capacity of family member.
I am surprised your partner doesn't understand this and surely if you are not ready to return to work after 3 weeks, you just get signed off for longer at the time?

Why are you surprised at her husband's reaction when its exactly the same as your father's? He doesn't want or expect the OP under his care and does have strong feelings about who the OP is going to and is making recommendations as to length of recovery time.

the same trap thing is not inevitable. Many clinicians and their partners navigate keeping medicine and friends separate without getting into a childish snit.

actually if its his team and members of that team know the OP socially it is NOT the same thing

I have a feeling your DH knows NHS guidelines are not exactly in the best interest of patients, so he wants you where he has control.

I wouldn’t like it. It’s about dignity and her body.

I’m completely on your side, OP. You’re laid out like a slab of meat for surgery, which is necessary and fine in front of people you don’t know, but so intrusive and undignified for people when it’s people you do know.

I can’t understand why he doesn’t see this.

Yanbu and have made a very sensible decision. Never mix business and pleasure. Imagine if something went wrong and how awkward that would be.

Ah, I seem to have phrased that comment poorly. Apologies. My father would make recommendations as to who we went with, he wouldn’t make recommendations as to how said person then did their job.

OP’s DH is upset/offended she’s going elsewhere. I find that surprising as most clinicians (I can only base this on my experience, but I know and am related to quite a few) really wouldn’t be.

"I did think doctors/nurses couldn't look after family members"

They definitely did when I was young, but maybe banned/discouraged now.

usual thing about procedures is you can be told if you ask. Loads of people don't want to know or only want to know to a degree. Its deffo not usual to plunge in and tell all without being asked or offering or saying something like "have we covered everything? is there anything else you want to ask?" because people can't unhear stuff. The other thing is (and this may not be in your case) that the surgeon won't know exactly what will be done until they can see what is needed ie have made the incision.
so far as "cookie cutter plans go" if its something done standardly they of course they will have a standard care plan. That doesn't mean that it gets adhered to regardless but its a good "known to be successful" starting point. I used to be involved in planned hip replacement rehab. The patient would be told the plan in the pre op assessment eg ..."you will be seen by the physio for bed exercises on day one, by day two you should be sitting out of bed and day three you will get your walking aid, you can expect to go home by day seven maybe earlier"
Of course it didn't always happen that way and stuff could change but you know what they say "fail to plan;plan to fail"
I think your partner means well but he needs to wind his neck in

I agree with this. Surely you can get an initial note for 3 weeks and then an extension beyond that if needed. I had a THR 16 years ago and was in touch with another woman who was going through the same thing under a different surgeon and hospital. Both of us were similar age and wanting to have a baby after recovery.

I asked my surgeon how long I should wait before trying, and his response was 2 weeks!! I asked how could that be given the post op advice literature said to wait 6 weeks before sex - his reply was just be careful with positioning!

The other woman's surgeon advised she wait 6 months, and that seemed more sensible, so that was what I did. TBH I'm not sure I could have got pregnant much quicker as I was anaemic after the op, so I doubt my body would have cooperated.

My point is that different surgeons will have different opinions but you are the patient and have autonomy so can decide what is right for you. I understand your husband being concerned for your wellbeing, but he shouldn't be criticising your decisions - he is welcome to his opinion but should respect yours - remind him the patient is the most important person in this situation!!

To be fair, every single recovery period I was told at the hospital was twice as long than they said and I’ve had a lot of surgery.

I said very clearly in my post that I understand why she feels why she does and that just because I feel one way I completely understand why someone else would feel differently.

Her husband shouldn’t be making her feel guilty about her choice but he is taking it personally and from a medical professional point of view I do understand why he might be hurt as he will be seeing it as a reflection on him and his colleagues. I’m not justifying his behaviour but I understand it. In a perfect world he’d rise above his own feelings, but he’s only human like the rest of us. He may be a surgeon, but he’s still allowed to feel hurt if he believes his wife doesn't have faith in his colleagues (even though that’s not what she based her choice on).

Hopefully with time he will come to understand that OP’s choice is based on her personal comfort and her wanting to keep a boundary between her friendships and her medical care. People have different views on that and some people understand that view more than others. It’s all personal preference.

The husband has a different view to OP, thats all and his hurt feelings are preventing hin being as supportive as he could be but hopefully that will change.

God doesn't think he is a surgeon

Oh, that's awful. How does that work for people who have to wait weeks to see their GP. How do they get the extra time off work?

he can feel as hurt as he likes but he shouldn't be being a knob about it.

I posted upthread about this my experience of it was some 30 years ago.

Which I also acknowledged 🙄

A surgeon can operate and save your life or treat a problem; God cannot 🤭

What kind of work do you do?

Having had abdominal surgery, the people who did get hernias tended to be those who lifted too much too soon, or went back to exercise too soon after surgery, not those who went back to desk-based jobs too soon.

If you have a more physical job then I’d imagine your surgeon would also be suggesting 6 weeks off.