Rules for being old

[TheFamousSix]

This is a bit mean spirited but I am writing myself a list of rules for when I am old based on the things I am struggling with regarding my own parents.

My list so far

Your kids do not care about your friends' illnesses (unless it impacts you eg your friend is dying or you are caring for them)

If you wouldn't say it to your daughter in law then don't say it to your daughter (eg judgement of parenting things)

Only offer food once, or twice max. It is not generous to offer a dozen times, just annoying.

Any others?

My aging cousins (I am youngest at age 59) & II had conversation about how can we not impose burdens on our adult kids as we age. A key principle was to listen to our kids' concerns as they arise.

If our kids say any of below, assume they are true
... you're becoming deaf, mom
... you shouldn't drive any more
... you need a will that explains ALL of your financial assets
... your house is unsuitable for you to live in, now
... your vision is poor / your reactions are poor and means you shouldn't drive
... your memory is failing
... you need help cleaning house
... you need a different toilet / stairs/ bathing arrangement
... you don't need x or y
... you do need a or b
etc. x

Im 65 and my parents are a lot nicer now than they were when they were younger. Its quite difficult being angry with frail elderly people. I do wiah though that they would stop trying to plan to live abroad though because they are in their 90s and have nobody abroad. They keep packing and throwing away stuff "in readiness" for going. Neither of them has dementia. Its bonkers.

@Seymour5 we are 66 and about to retire. We are still visiting fiercely independent 90 year old mothers.

MIL watches every penny and will not spend a bean, not even on health related issues, the chiropodist etc. It is difficult and she could be much more comfy but she has capacity.

Mum, frail, but sorts out the issues, goes to the hairdresser and beautician, dresses well and pays for a cleaner, the laundry, the garden and the house is still immaculate. It makes it far harder for hcps to write her off. Oh, and she's Swedish death cleaned the house.

TBF both should probably have moved ten years ago and MIL could do with a downstairs lavatory.

having my cataracts done in three weeks

I actually understand this. You just get fed up of always going,

Just read the thread 😂

@Pabbel you should have no individuality, no thoughts and no life.

Thank you bafta 16, that sums it up nicely😁

They should do if they have an iphone

This thread is so nasty. It makes me glad that I don't have children!

Ooh, be careful. Being confused is a big no-no!

Why are your kids like this? Have they always been this way? When did they change?

Do you have any thoughts why they don’t bother with you? I imagine it’s very hurtful for you.

And you should make sure that you have got rid of most of your possessions,so your kids can inherit a nice empty house when you die.

They are doing what is easiest for them. If grandkids don't want the money, they don't have to pay in the cheque

When i went through the moving process with my relatives it wasn't necessarily about getting rid of everything - more about keeping the things that were truly meaningful/helpful/useful to them when (voluntarily!) moving into a much smaller space. And then trying to make sure that space is as happy and safe as for as long as possible for them. It was lovely to find sentimental things that had been kept that I didn't know they had and quite thought provoking about the things they havent valued as much as I might have anticipated them to have.

And after all that we can now all gently joke about moving furniture on a mobility scooter (which was never going to be a good idea) whilst being super thankful they didnt (and noone else!) got hurt.

No, a lot were escaping abusive or awful homes. They may have had ADHD or autism as well, but in many cases that was not the reason.

I'm afraid to say I think it might be fairly common. I fully understand how busy people are with demanding jobs and so on. It doesn't excuse the lack of care.
I'm not making the effort anymore, it's a one way street.

Because as you age, some people think older people are “less” than them.

Haven't read the full thread but here are mine:

If your home doesn't have a downstairs toilet (essential) or shower room (ideal) or potential to fit in a toilet OR stairlift please move whilst you are young enough to do so. Becoming housebound to the upstairs is miserable.

Know your limits. Someone telling you not to use ladders or a chainsaw isn't insulting you - they are right, those things aren't safe.

How long you have been driving for is totally irrelevant to whether or not you are safe to drive NOW.

If you are offered carers for goodness sake accept! No your daughter who lives 45 minutes away and have newborn triplets does not want to come in and clean the house & help you shower.
Ditto if you are offered home adaptations or a falls alarm. A falls alarm neatly hung up in the kitchen won't help you when you fall in the bathroom at 2AM and fracture your hip.

On a lighter note - don't store your deceased spouse's ashes in a high cupboard where they are liable to fall on the head of your daughter in law when looking for the kitchen scales.

Reading some of the comments on this thread it's clear that the 'Be Kind' generations only want the kindness to flow in one direction.. theirs.

Totally agree . We are in our sixties and our DS asked us recently to improve our loft access to make it safer for us and whilst mildly insulted we did take it on board and do it .

Correct.

My kids are 22 and 24, one studying and one working. They both make a big effort and we are very close, but I fear that once they meet life partners and ‘settle down’, things will change and they will reduce contact a lot. I expect it to some degree (and their new families would take priority ofc) but I would be very sad if it was extreme and they never contacted me. I don’t know if this is inevitable or not.

Get rid of almost everything you own and die quickly so your children get your money and house. Dont have an opinion of your own. Only the middle aged and below matter. According to many posts on mn

Brace yourself for younger family to go’no contact’ . Without explaining why.

If there is a hole in the carpet which is a trip hazard this cannot be solved by covering it with a small rug which is also a trip hazard