Rules for being old

[TheFamousSix]

This is a bit mean spirited but I am writing myself a list of rules for when I am old based on the things I am struggling with regarding my own parents.

My list so far

Your kids do not care about your friends' illnesses (unless it impacts you eg your friend is dying or you are caring for them)

If you wouldn't say it to your daughter in law then don't say it to your daughter (eg judgement of parenting things)

Only offer food once, or twice max. It is not generous to offer a dozen times, just annoying.

Any others?

Remember that you can write your adult DC out of your will if they are becoming twatty towards you.

I have visions of someone transporting a huge wardrobe on a mobility scooter 😆

My grandma used her scooter to run my BIL over. She said it was an accident.......

People had autism and adhd in your day, they just didn't call it that then. I'm convinced a lot of teenage boys who ran away to sea years ago had undiagnosed adhd.

Stop talking about the weather all the time. It's a cover for not talking about more interesting stuff. I stayed the weekend at DD's houseshare and the conversations covered all sorts of topics.

Stop asking your daughter and granddaughter to sort out and renew your parking permit every year.

They are the only family that do not drive or own a car. Ask your golden child, who has two, or your other grandchildren who have one each to do it. Daughter and granddaughter, who hate visiting you because you’re a toxic old cow, have to take 4 buses in total to get to and from your house, they never come by car, are sick of it.

Also,, get someone else to sort out every little thing for you, and stop asking us!

Rules for being old:

1.Get accustomed to people who are not priests or vicars saying ‘bless you!’

2.Whatever you do, do not go gentle into that good night. This will hopefully piss off any of your family who have been on MN complaining about you and what you thought were your perfectly inoffensive habits, which evidently make them seethe with irritation and resentment!

Your children will become incredibly bossy. Feel free to ignore them.

What goes around comes around. Think about how you treated your children when they were young and vulnerable and perhaps if you don't want to be treated that way when you are old and vulnerable start making reparations and acknowledging the past.

Don’t fart when other people are around, even outside, thinking it was silent (only silent to you).

Don’t gossip about what everyone else is up to and how well or not well your friends children are. No one wants to know.

Shower daily, exfoliate and wash properly. A light wash every couple of days isn’t good enough as older people start to smell. Or can’t smell themselves so think everyone else can’t.

Don’t pretend you are living on the breadline if you have decent pensions.

And don’t let younger relatives treat you like a second class citizen…yes they might not owe you anything, but kindness costs nothing either

I occasionally threaten to do this which elicits shrieks of laughter

If anybody tossed my belongings when I wasn't looking, they would get short shrift!

To be fair, there are an increasing number of people of all ages who seem not to be aware of their own BO, its not just older people! I fear it's the new 'chemical free' deodorants that are being pedalled (seem to have a strong fragrance, that covers the smell of sweat briefly, and to be grease based... :-D).

Or snobby

I’ve had conversations with my own daughter that she I get to my mum’s age, she absolutely should not let me off the hook for crappy things, just because I’m old. There is no reason to turn nasty and negative just because you hit 70.

A hard and fast rule of life is some day you will do 90% of the things you bitched about

There is no reason to turn nasty and negative just because you hit 70.

There probably will be a reason, even though you may not be aware of it. All the more so, if it develops out of the blue.

Exfoliate?! That’s a new one on me. Never done it, not gonna start unless there’s a very good reason. I do wash properly and wear clean clothes.

Oh so much this. I have pictures DGF took in India in the 1930s when he was serving there and I have no idea who the people are or where they are.

Don't judge other people too much and certainly do your best to avoid arguments, otherwise you will definitely be lonely in old age.

Your kids do not care about your friends' illnesses

This one makes me feel a bit sad. Old age is sort of unimaginable to the young and healthy- what it is like to live in proximity to death and disease, with a body that's starting to fail you. It's not surprising that people talk about how they and their friends are affected (and I know pp excludes friends who are dying from this rule but physical decline as also important, especially as so often in old age it's a one way street).

I actually think that, if anything, old people (at least the ones I know) talk very little about all of this relative to how large it must loom in their lives. It's a sort of secret, what it's like to live once you've truly understood that you are not going to live forever. Worth considering whether, when your parents tells you about their friend Jill's cataracts and John's prostate, they are actually trying to tell you that that is how they live now.

Then toss all the rubbish while they're not looking.

What might be 'rubbish' to you could be 'precious memories' to them. How dare you think you have the right to throw out someone's belongings? I'd bet you'd be on here howling with outrage if someone did that to you.

I am old - my rule is to do as I like and not sweat the small stuff

We don’t need to know the ethnicity and possible sexual orientation of everyone that you came across today. It’s fine to say “ a lovely nurse” instead of playing guess the country of origin .

Your children will no want all the "best china" and massive amounts of ugly furniture you are inexplicably saving for them.