Rules for being old

[TheFamousSix]

This is a bit mean spirited but I am writing myself a list of rules for when I am old based on the things I am struggling with regarding my own parents.

My list so far

Your kids do not care about your friends' illnesses (unless it impacts you eg your friend is dying or you are caring for them)

If you wouldn't say it to your daughter in law then don't say it to your daughter (eg judgement of parenting things)

Only offer food once, or twice max. It is not generous to offer a dozen times, just annoying.

Any others?

Of course they are capable of ‘paying in a cheque’.
But why make them do that instead of the easy thing? Making a point? Why?
If they are that bothered about giving a ‘physical thing’ (??) then give them cash.

This thread has made me really sad for the relatives of posters who are so aggressively venomous about them for committing minor transgressions - repeating themselves, being boring, asking for help, not asking for help, buying too many clothes, not buying the right clothes, worrying about their health, not worrying about their health. You just wait…I hope your words come back to haunt you, but you’re so self-absorbed, I don’t suppose you’d even notice.

Agree, this is a horrible ageist thread.

WRITE IT FUCKING DOWN! You know you have bloody altzheimers so write down the important things. Not 'in a minute,' write it down now.

This in spades

my SIL lives alone , mid seventies and just been to visit us . She can’t hear a thing and we had to repeat ourselves endlessly and she couldn’t follow a conversation. I suggested a hearing aid to her and she was v offended and now ‘may not come for Christmas ‘

good

Many of want to spare our own children all of this.
I want them to enjoy their middle age.
So am ruthlessly decluttering to avoid a waste of their time dealing with unnecessary stuff.
Of course there are some things you can’t control, but you can take responsibility for remaining active and engaged and using technology rather than just giving up and sinking into passivity, and not relying on them for your social interaction.

Easy for you to say. You probably have an image of a little old lady growing cute little seedlings in a cottage patio. In reality they aren't 3 inch little delicate flowers, they're huge (3-4ft some of them) thick stemmed monsters with large roots that are damaging the concrete floor (creating a trip hazard for her) and some are very close to the house foundations. Loads of them. It'll be me who has to pay out goodness knows how much to get them removed and the ground repaired. I don't care about inheriting anything (probably not worth much anyway, needs lots of updating), and it could potentially all go on care home fees. It's lovely when she grows things in the actual garden borders, or even things sprouting in the lawn, but the stuff coming up in the cracks in the patio are a menace. She actually agrees they're a problem, but won't do anything about it.

But why do anything then? Why wrap a present? Just send the item direct from the shop.

It's not "making a point". It's marking the occasion.

Do not move to the middle of nowhere - if you become infirm and can no longer drive, you will be utterly stuck.

Ensure you piss away your -children’s inheritance- own money on a drug-fuelled bender of majestic proportions.

‘Marking the occasion’ .. with a cheque… 😂😂

Absolutely agree. It’s really mean spirited and unkind.

OP could have called it - rules for parents, as most of the transgressions seem to be committed by parents.

Don't have horrible ungrateful children seems to be the message of the thread!

But paying in a cheque takes about the same amount of time as doing an online transfer- it's literally a few seconds.

Your children sound really ungrateful and you clearly dislike whoever it is giving your children money.

This is actually a very depressing thread.

Errr.. no-one does give my children cheques because - why would you?
When I or my 86yo mother gives them money we just transfer it - as we do with friends /tradespeople/businesses…

It wasn't quite a wardrobe but at least several side tables, a desk top computer, dining chairs etc over several trips.

I smiled ruefully whilst inwardly crying. We spent many many weeks together carefully thinking about the (significant) downsize, working out what was needed, what was important to them to take, what would and wouldn't fit, what we'd probably need to look for new, where things would go and hired a moving van. Only for them return on several trips to take absolutely everything they had decided to leave anyway.

Several months on the result is a very very overcrowded space - which is now my fault and issue to sort out because I "told" them to and "let" them to take everything. I love them dearly but sometimes the situation is not easy.

Some people don't realise how difficult it is.

Your head is attempting to do the right thing but you heart is being tugged in the opposite direction as you are trying to do what they wish too.

! Fortunately my adult children seem to like me just the way I am, they have left plenty of junk at my house ( and come back themselves for long periods) so aren't about to have a go about hoarding.
My mum died when I was 11 so I would have quite liked to have her around, annoying or not. My in-laws had their 'ways' but I found it quite endearing!

Ah a fellow Northern soul aficionado.
Don't forget the talking at 100 mph.

I love my In laws to bits and they are like my parents now as mine are long gone. But for the love of everything that is right stop telling me about what you read in the Daily Mail as though it's gospel, and I don't need to know that the nurse you saw was dark skinned but her English was really good!

Thankfully they have a friend who is in his late 90s that is really good with tech so have that to fight back against the we are too old for online anything.
I'm probably just annoyed that my parents are not around to talk to?

It’s not a bad thing to attempt to be the least irritating version of yourself at whatever age.

I am noting what my (not very nice and neglectful when we were growing up) parents do that annoys me and trying not to be like that with my young adult kids. I fear some of it will be inevitable though.

I have said to my 20-somethings to not let me ‘get away’ with not embracing new tech, but if I ever start devolving everything to them when I am older, they must gently push me and encourage me to learn.

We are in our fifties and have done PoA for ourselves. And also completed the life books (Age UK) for us and done an online version with all our plans for death, financial advisors, people to contact, medical stuff etc which our kids have passwords for. And we don’t hoard. Hopefully we won’t die soon, but I will do anything to make my kids’ lives easier.

And use them!

I'm in the old cohort now and wear aids all the time. If I take them out it's because someone is droning on about Trump or Burnham or some other shite that I've no control over. Otherwise they are on and are great. No wonder so many older folk (my age) get dementia, if they can't hear properly they tune out the world.

Have come back to this thread, it truly is absolutely horrible.

My very very elderly parents grew more and more single minded and more and more difficult. I did my best.
Fast forward and my kids can't be bothered with me.
Just for the record, I can walk, I work, I use tech and I have very little "stuff"

Old person here, please young uns could you make me a list of what i should and should not do, im a bit confused reading this thread, thank you.

I agree! I had my nails done today, hairdresser next week. I have a gym membership. I’m going to the theatre with my lovely DD at the weekend, and meeting some friends for lunch tomorrow. DH and I will be doing some gentle gardening for an hour in the morning, then I’ll be off to the pool. My hearing aids are working well, as is the replacement knee I had a few months ago. I’m still volunteering, doing the shopping, having the occasional spa visit. Our wills are simple, each other, then 50/50 to the kids, who already have LPAs should they be needed. We pay a monthly fee so the electrics, plumbing and heating are covered should anything go wrong.

Perhaps I’m lucky to have this life at 80, we’re not well off, but have enough. Our house is comfy if well worn, our car is old but well maintained. We understand that our DC and DGC have busy lives. None of our family live close by, but they would be here if we needed them. We’re interested in what they’re doing, work, uni, school, hobbies etc. They recognise we have had some health issues, but those are not our main focus, life’s too short!