Rules for being old

[TheFamousSix]

This is a bit mean spirited but I am writing myself a list of rules for when I am old based on the things I am struggling with regarding my own parents.

My list so far

Your kids do not care about your friends' illnesses (unless it impacts you eg your friend is dying or you are caring for them)

If you wouldn't say it to your daughter in law then don't say it to your daughter (eg judgement of parenting things)

Only offer food once, or twice max. It is not generous to offer a dozen times, just annoying.

Any others?

I think this is very perceptive. Parents fear they're going to lose people they care about, that they will miss these people. Or, if it's not so serious, they just don't like seeing people they care about in pain.

Younger people would feel the same way about their own friends. My son and daughter have often talked to me about their friends who've become seriously sick or sadly died.

It's not necessary to keep buying more and more clothes every week when you reach 90, especially when it's just variations of the hundreds of items you already have in your overflowing wardrobe.

Your adult kids don't want to hear you keep moaning about what's on terrestrial TV (sport, sport, more sport) or you saying "what about what I like to watch?" The TV programme makers schedule things that will get big audiences and don't care about little old women and their viewing habits. Try checking out the scores of freeview channels you have access to.

If you need something done DIY, or need your overgrown garden tackled, get in a tradesperson or a gardener who is fit and skilled to do it. Stop expecting your 60+ yr old 'kids' to be doing it all for you.

It's not cool to nurture all the things that self seed and grow in the concrete patio area in the back garden. One day your kids are going to have to organise having it all removed and repaired.

I'm old and I agree up to a point. But when you are the sounding board for your adult DCs all the time, sometimes you do want to have a little moan to your children because we are not invincible! Maybe just once.

The 'do a quick death, don't have a slow decline' is just heartless and cruel to anyone who has lost a parent to a lingering cancer.

It's not cool to nurture all the things that self seed and grow in the concrete patio area in the back garden. One day your kids are going to have to organise having it all removed and repaired.

Nothing you own is actually yours and you should take no pleasure in it. You are just a temporary blockage and should behave as such while we all wait for you to die.

That last one is particularly unkind.

Don’t believe everything you read on FB
Don’t be judgemental about how much other people eat
Your children don’t want to know about the ailments of the cousin of the woman next door that they don’t know - they want to know about you
Don’t try to guilt people into doing what you prefer for Christmas
Stop going on about losing the winter fuel allowance when you have more money coming in in interest than you can even spend

Spend some of your money to make your life more comfortable.
You are worth it so keep up with your hairdresser, chiropodist, etc.
Be proactive about getting your medical letters and optimal treatment for your ailments
Enjoy the time you have left and pay to get your cataracts or dodgy hip done

Stop watching GB news and reciting what they said as if it’s fact.
Stop trying to validate your lack of boundary opinions by throwing in ‘ well your aunt Jane, uncle Terry & the dog agrees with me’
If you must judge -make such the judgement applies equally to both sexes.

You beat me to it, maybe we can have the biggest sleeper carriage!

I would imagine that the £££££££££££ might compensate!

watched about 2 minutes of it once.

Because their loved ones have to sort it out when they die.

My parents were both hoarders in that they kept mountains of stuff "just in case" or because someone once gave it to them. They just packed up their parents' houses when they passed away and put everything into storage. It has taken my sister and I forever to work through all of it to find what was actually important, and to actually get rid of everything else. Skips cost money and it's emotionally hard to throw out things that were important enough for your parents to keep, even if you don't agree. My life won't be measurably poorer without my parents' old school books from the 1940s but that doesn't make them easy to discard - it's like throwing a part of that person out.

My mum always resisted any types of walking aids or a mobility scooter, because it made her feel old (at 80). But it meant we couldn't take her out so easily to do the things she loved e.g. walking in woods, along a river, so we just had to sit around with her. Eventually she got a scooter and loved it, though would only use it with someone else there, but it was great to be able to actually get out instead of sitting around at home.
So, maybe the advice is to embrace those aids that will help you, and it will make everyone happier, and get you out and about a bit.

So are you also hoarding?

With my parents stuff I was ruthless, I kept a few boxes of stuff from each parent and then used a house clearance company for each of their homes.

It's not cool to nurture all the things that self seed and grow in the concrete patio area in the back garden. One day your kids are going to have to organise having it all removed and repaired.

Oh that's brutal. She's creating pleasure in her own garden and all you can think of is when she's dead and you inherit you'll change it.

If you need something done DIY, or need your overgrown garden tackled, get in a tradesperson or a gardener who is fit and skilled to do it. Stop expecting your 60+ yr old 'kids' to be doing it all for you.

Or in our case,
"If you need something done DIY, or need your overgrown garden tackled, get in a tradesperson or a gardener who is fit and skilled to do it. Stop climbing wonky stepladders with a chainsaw, even if it is 'only a small one'. You're 91 and you had to put your walking stick down to do it."

I'd say:
Surprise your children. Acquire an interest in the history of the Silk Road, write a scurrilous memoir, practise clay pigeon shooting, follow your favourite e-racer

Apologies if this has been mentioned, haven't RTFT

Make an airtight will, trust, or other plan for your assets after your death. If there are any special items you want to go to certain people, put it in writing. And be sure your children know where the documents and items are.

Ditto for your wishes for your 'final disposition'. Funeral/no funeral, burial/cremation, etc.

My parents did this for my brother and I and it made things so much easier and simpler after our mother died. Everything was in a living trust w/DB and I as successor trustees. And she had set out her final wishes for herself, although Covid prevented a funeral. She and Dad had bought a double plot and she had the funds to cover everything.

Finally, have a frank discussion with your DC as to everything I've mentioned. Mum & Dad did with us and I have done with my sons. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, for us and for them, to think about when we are no longer there. But also reassuring for them to know that they will not have the extra burden of trying unscramble finances as well as come up with money for 'final expense' and no need to make painful decisions.

After our discussion I sent my sons a PDF with copies of everything. They don't have to look at it if they don't want to, but it's there for when the time comes.

Oh yes, get rid of all your crap. I went through a 'silver separation' a bit over a year ago. I've made sure that I did a 'brutal' clean out of the stuff I've collected over the decades in 'consultation' with my sons. You may be surprised at what your DC do NOT want.

No, I'm being pretty ruthless. There are some interesting bits which I've kept, boxed and labeled in the loft so my kids can identify where they've come from, but not much. And I'm being pretty ruthless with my stuff too. My sister is more like my parents though.

Definitely stop the cheques they obviously don’t appreciate the gesture if god forbid they have to make a trip to a bank (and yes there are still some branches still open ) and work out how to pay them in, what a thoughtless old person you are

It's not cool to nurture all the things that self seed and grow in the concrete patio area in the back garden. One day your kids are going to have to organise having it all removed and repaired

I beg your pardon but it’s extremely cool to do this. With luck they’ll leave it all to the Cats’ Home so you won’t need to trouble yourself.

@TheCompactPussycat but maybe they wanted those 1940s exercise books whilst they were still alive, as it reminded them of when they were in the fourth form and Betty said her dog ate her homework

I definitely would speak to my mother if she wasn’t throwing away actual rubbish eg tissues/teabags etc but most things are readily recognisable
So old bank statements don’t look like handwritten letters so can easily be binned. Ditto everything in the kitchen. Ditto everything in the airing cupboard
Ditto Trinkets/pictures/ornaments that weren’t part of your own childhood which have sentimental value. Old Masters worth ££££ can be kept. The rest goes to the charity shop.
All that’s left is photos etc.
I agree with a PP… it can be oddly cathartic to go through someone’s stuff and remember them.

You really do need to make a little effort to embrace new technologies. Not having a mobile phone or an email account was fine 10+ years ago, but life is leaving you behind.
Stop giving your grandchildren cheques - they don't have a clue what to do with them!

It takes 10 seconds to pay a cheque into an online account, but tell me again how your parents can’t cope with new technology 😂

But so much easier in two clicks to make a bank transfer to them… Why do so many people infantilise their parents???

Not much in it if you’re sending a card anyway. I’m just chuckling at pp being unable to pay a cheque in online while castigating her parents for lack of tech savvy.

And a cheque is a physical thing that they can give the grandchildren...whereas a bank transfer is just more transactional

Yes also laughing at the inability to pay in a cheque!!