DO NOT BE A SAHM!!!

[Blindinglybaffled]

Oh God it’s long, sorry!
Urgh, I’m having a bad week😔. But please can I ask that anyone considering being, or in the early stages of being a SAHM - seriously think(!!) and DON’T do it! I know, I know there are loads (?) of women for whom it’s worked, 18 years ago I’d have told you it was THE best decision I ever made. Dh & I agreed that when we had kids one of us would stay home and whoever had the best career prospects at that time would continue…for a while it looked like that’d be me …but it didn’t last. I loved being a sahm and when we moved to ‘paradise’ (/middle of nowhere) we again discussed and I pointed out I would never be able to regain my career in that location. DH said no worries, he was thrilled with the arrangement. He was so capable financially - tighter than me which was a real feat! - just really careful.… 20 ish years later and he’s mismanaged our assets, on a huge scale on top of which he invested in a company I told him not to and it looks like we’ve lost £100k at least…and he’s been made redundant (on 💩 terms). Our eldest teenager came down earlier and gave me both barrels because “if I just earned some money it’d never have got this bad” - WTAF. Dh has obv fed the kids the narrative that it’s all my fault. I do believe having a parent at home is the best way to parent if you can. But(!) it’s just not possible these days and we need to leave the model behind. To the sahm who thinks it’ll never be her, I never thought it’d be me. Please protect yourself- one or two days a week is enough if you can. Just never stop! The next 25+ years of my life are going to be pretty feckin rubbish. It’s my own fault, please don’t be me.

I was a SAHM for nearly 16 years, as our eldest had to come out of mainstream education.

I never regret the years with my DC, of course, but I'm now working for DH, and still feel financially controlled. He won't spend 5p without serious consideration. I was the higher earner when I had our 1st and I will deeply regret not going back for the rest of my life.

The message is don’t ever rely on anyone else for your own independence and your future. Being a SAHM , unless you are all over the finances and take control and have a portion of the money directed into your own isas, pensions and have control of joint decisions on investments, is just a bad decision. You also lose momentum in any career you have built up and if anything should happen then you can find yourself up shit creek having relied on someone else’s income and earning power to fund your life.

Very very different situation to you but I do agree anyone should think really carefully before agreeing to become a SAHM.. It's a decision I regret, not every day, but I do wish I'd keep working.
Having said that regardless of if you are working or not you should still have equal say over the finances and know where your money is going. I do wonder if maybe that was your mistake rather than being a SAHM.
Your husband doesn't sound very nice if he was happy to risk your financial security and then somehow convince the kids it's your fault.

the idea that you can just “trust with the finances” is rooted in 2 things- life is long and there is a naivety to thinking that what you do for a period is forever- it only takes a major life distraction- a death, a long term illness, a school refusing child- to distract you from this oversight (oversight which, depending on your partner, can be exhausting)

and to some extent it’s also coming from people who have financially sensible husbands and haven’t stopped to think how many aren’t like that.

im divorced and it was for similar reasons to OP - when I had “oversight” of the money it was exhausting and stressful, trying to stop him spending, trying to make savings, trying to move xyz constantly to make up for the fact he was just shit with money. It wasn’t a realistic ask of me and when I stopped doing it, he slowly built up debt and bad investments. 5 years later, when I’m relieved I’m no longer money keeper and think he’s finally adulting, it all comes out.

luckily I was the breadwinner and I can’t tell you how much easier it made divorce and onward life, even though I lost a lot of money.

i was discussing with a SAHM friend and she said “yes well he’s not like me I gave up my career to raise the kids so I’d get more” people who gave up working 10,20 years ago haven’t realised divorce laws and norms have changed. A clean financial break is now the aim, and spousal support very rare. A court would expect a SAHM to start supporting themselves immediately post divorce.

a lot of SAHMs manage the family finances. I have a friend who is typical of this model whose husband actually works in finance in the city, but she does all the home finances: mortgage, investment, bills, holidays.

Op in times of stress you need to back each other up not blame which sounds like what dh has done. Be a sahm got 5 years or so until they are at school but definitely go back to work. Plus it’s easy to lose yourself. Have something for you would be my advice! I hope you told dc the truth not that you should have to explain! I hope you can get back out there op and prove dh wrong!

18 years ago it absolutely was not the standard thing ! One of my DGC is 17 and DD1 was back working full time after Mat Leave as did DD2 as did I in the 1980s !
In my circle I only knew 1 SAHM .

The mistake isn't being SAHM, when earning well but not having full transparency into the family income and expenditure.

The OP clearly had an comfortable life without needing the details until she didn't. Complacency over income.

Try being a minimum wage family, you know to the last penny.

Back in the 80s/90s low wage families not living next door to an employer, commuting was unaffordable, SAHM was fairly normal for low income with top ups, but it screwed the future for a lot of women. My private pension started late, I suspect the amount will screw me over and I will ultimately lose out as I won't get enough help it will push me over thresholds. I can't put more in as I don't earn much more than NMW.

Agreed. I’d never be a full time SAHM.

i couldn’t do it full time anyway, but I wouldn’t want to leave myself vulnerable like that. Having it weaponised against me, or ending up in a bad financial situation.

im so sorry you’re in this position.

your daughter needs a sit down and a thorough explanation as to what has actually happened and a talking to about how utterly grateful she should be that she had a mother to care for her full time!

Do you really think all single working mothers have their own home, financial stability and can fund their children’s uni?

Do you really think all married women who don’t work cannot do all those things but if they did work they could?

this is so black and white and lacking in detail, life is not like that. Life is so very varied for different people and so many set ups work and fail where they are or are not expected to.

it reminds me of the argument childfree people keep wheeling out at every opportunity - “I’m glad I don’t have kids because I have all the money and travel and freedom to do whatever”. It’s like it never occurred to them that there are plenty of people with sometimes quite a lot of children who also easily have those things and more….

anyway, back to the real world

That's not your fault this is your DHS fault why you didn't get more involved with financial decisions is a mystery to me not that you stay at home to be a mum .
I guess u trusted him and that not on you either so stop beating yourself up .
As for you child berating you that's a lack of respect and you should be telling her/him the truth

Sounds awful, but remember that’s just your experience, I was a SAHM for many years and my husband made some excellent financial decisions and still does, so as bad as your experience is, lots of people will have a positive outcome!

Are you staying together OP? I think it's awful that he got into a mess and pied about it. But I'd find it pretty unforgivable that he was telling your children it was your fault. Have you asked him wtf he's been saying and why? Do you think you'll ever trust him again?

@SomethingYum but in the real world the vast majority of families are impacted by the cost of dc & whilst there are some SAHMs who are wealthy in their own right etc they are not the norm.

Mate, you'd feel just as bad now about the loss of that money if you were working.

My husband did the same thing. We lost £100k, our life savings plus our future inheritance from his parents which they ended up having to give him to pay off some debt. We also had a £30k debt and he had no income. I can't imagine feeling any worse than I did.

We got through it. I thought my life was ruined forever but it wasn't. I still think what I could have done with that money. I have found a way to let go of the resentment.

I had a SAHM and was a SAHM myself for about a decade.

When calmer I would make yourself 100% sure whether DH has indeed fed this line to your DD. As a teenager I knew everything and was pretty scathing of my mum's decisions. I could easily have seen myself saying something utterly spiteful and misguided like your DD had the shit hit the fan. It wouldn't hurt for her to see how much she's hurt you and to be brought up to speed on the realities. Just don't necessary assume DH has driven the narrative.

Over the next few weeks you need to decide whether a major financial error - and it might matter whether it was a one-off mistake or a series of mistakes - is a deal breaker for you.

It is great that you have a recent qualification and I would look for work ASAP - any work. The job market is brutal but any foothold is better than none at all.

It is really hard to grieve the future you had envisioned and that grief that comes through plan derailment (for any reason - death, divorce, redundancy) is so painful. Don't feel you have to make any decisions right now, but do try and put things in place that will give you options short- and long-term.

100% agree, I,would never leave myself reliant on a man for my current income or future pension income. It also reinforces to your own kids that women are not just there to be pot washers so they don't grow up with Victorian views.

This is a highly emotive and contested topic on here which brings out a lot of one-upmanship and judgement but I agree with you.

Yes having a non working parent makes the early stages of child-rearing earlier for sure and I can see how tempting it is because it's painful and difficult having to do a boring job when you'd rather be with your kids.

But it's just never worthwhile to hand over financial control of the entire household and family to one person. A PP put it well: you can love and trust your husband emotionally (you should do) but only a fool would trust another person to make all financial decisions and all financial provision for the entire family with no agency or power of veto: you're playing financial Russian Roulette with your life.

I agree with you for different reasons, my exh said he wanted a divorce a few days after youngest turned 18. Now actually everything for me has turned out fine but it was touch and go financially at first. I had returned to work but not a career and had hardly any private pension, I’m good however with investments and at least I had significant savings he didn’t know about (I shared them but meant I had options he would have spent the money years earlier if he had known). My advice to anyone staying home with enough money is to pay into a sipp, in fact if you can’t don’t be a sahm. Secondly do return to a proper job once youngest is 8 at the latest

I loved being a SaHM when my kids were small. I did do all the housework. His wages were paid into bank and I paid the bills and worked out what we could afford. When kids were older I got a full time job easy enough and husband started shopping, cooking dinner etc. I am now mostly retired and look after grandchildren. Only work 1 day per week. Still manage the finances. I certainly wouldn’t equate being the one at home with not having any financial input.

I agree. I think ‘Don’t be unlucky!’ is far more accurate.

There are a few quite self-satisfied posts on this thread along the lines of getting a nice part-time job and you will always have ‘kept your hand in’, which will protect you. There is some truth in that and I used to believe it too, but other things can happen in a working life.

Redundancy
Employer relocation
Technological or market changes
Economic downturn
Ageism - that’s a big one!
False accusations
Professional misconduct
Unexpected health challenges

I was a very smug part-time working parent for a long time (with my youth, my qualifications and my childcare…) but a couple of the above happened to me and I am just not sure it’s that simple anymore.

I am now self-employed but financially reliant on my DH. However I actually decided to stop worrying about it because, for good reasons, there is literally nothing that I can do about it.
I was wasting mental energy worrying about something that might never happen.

Relax, because you might as well enjoy life while you can!

Im sorry this has happened OP. I dream of being a SAHM! I've been ill back to back for 5 weeks and twins also ill...the thought of having time at home to properly recover and catch up on the housework is a dream! I work 3 days a week and just don't have it in me to be career focused right now.I think one parent at home or both parents working part time and having the other half of their time at home with the kids is an ideal model for when kids are young. If I could I would stay at home until kids start school

Being a sahm is a risk and I don’t care how good you are at investing, unless you have at least a million or you are nearing retirement so don’t need to work, you would be fucked with a massive gap on your cv in today’s job market if your husband suddenly decides he is swanning off. And if you have got that kind of money invested you’re hardly the average sahm in the first place. As a pp pointed out if being a sahp was a risk free fun time more men would be doing it.

I’m sorry op, hopefully you have some options available to you with the qualifications you have pursued.

What are you talking about? Just because you’re a SAHM doesn’t mean you don’t take responsibility for family finances. You didn’t work any you also took not interest in the family money?

My mum was SAHM. But she was fully in charge of the finances, she did all the books, all the investments, paid all the bills. My dad probably didn’t know where all the account were! I think he was an idiot for not being involved in that side of it. Just like you were.

You chose to take no interest in it. Now you’re screwed. He fucked up but so did you, by not taking an interest.

It's interesting that your first thought is that your husband has bad mouthed you to the kids. Teenage kids are quite capable of being unpleasant and making assumptions without any additional input - my friend's teenagers were occasionally quite unpleasant to her about working part time (in a well paid job) - "if you worked full time like dad we could have a bigger house/ nicer holidays, why can't you be like Sam's mum who works properly etc".

Is this just your anger at the situation making you think that as until now you have described your SAHM life as being amazing, suggesting that your husband was supportive? If so, then while he has made a terrible error, is it worth recognising that for many years you got to live the life you want because you worked as a team, and look as how you can improve things as a team? That might not necessarily mean going back to work, it might mean more involvement from you with finances.