DO NOT BE A SAHM!!!

[Blindinglybaffled]

Oh God it’s long, sorry!
Urgh, I’m having a bad week😔. But please can I ask that anyone considering being, or in the early stages of being a SAHM - seriously think(!!) and DON’T do it! I know, I know there are loads (?) of women for whom it’s worked, 18 years ago I’d have told you it was THE best decision I ever made. Dh & I agreed that when we had kids one of us would stay home and whoever had the best career prospects at that time would continue…for a while it looked like that’d be me …but it didn’t last. I loved being a sahm and when we moved to ‘paradise’ (/middle of nowhere) we again discussed and I pointed out I would never be able to regain my career in that location. DH said no worries, he was thrilled with the arrangement. He was so capable financially - tighter than me which was a real feat! - just really careful.… 20 ish years later and he’s mismanaged our assets, on a huge scale on top of which he invested in a company I told him not to and it looks like we’ve lost £100k at least…and he’s been made redundant (on 💩 terms). Our eldest teenager came down earlier and gave me both barrels because “if I just earned some money it’d never have got this bad” - WTAF. Dh has obv fed the kids the narrative that it’s all my fault. I do believe having a parent at home is the best way to parent if you can. But(!) it’s just not possible these days and we need to leave the model behind. To the sahm who thinks it’ll never be her, I never thought it’d be me. Please protect yourself- one or two days a week is enough if you can. Just never stop! The next 25+ years of my life are going to be pretty feckin rubbish. It’s my own fault, please don’t be me.

Being a SAHP doesn’t mean you aren’t involved in family finances, investments, decisions etc.

is that a bad thing though? Being happiest when the children are young and enjoying those years vs having it later?
it just takes longer to find yourself again

Exactly!
when I was a sahp I managed all the finances. We set the year’s budget together, but I did all the day to day management, paperwork, investments etc.

Erm yes but that doesn’t help her much now does it? 🙄

@QuirkyHorse Well my DH didn’t do
much with them so I never had a whole day without them. Certainly I cooked 100% and did 100% school admin and just about everything else. DH wasn’t away but he might as well have been. I wasn’t about to add to my workload. And your opinion is that you wanted that level of work. I had more than enough money not to need to work for money and I certainly knew what savings and investments we had!

A woman who does not work puts herself at huge financial risk - state pension only which labour are going to f up

Poor you.

I actually don't think it's bad if that's what you want - it's just that they're little for such a short time, whereas if you live to 80 and your kids leave home at 50 you've got like 30 years of being sad and missing them living with you Vs less years when they were little.

Probably the ideal for happiness would be to be a SAHM when they're small, retrain in something when they're school age/teenage and start a second career in your 40s

Absolutely.

Op not easy. I was sahm in early years. Working now. I have seen at least 3 friends go through seperations and they def risky if they had not worked over the years or had incomes. It does leave us more vulnerable.

I didn’t enjoy maternity leave when I took it at the time. Somehow the balance of being a mum and working has always sat better with me. I enjoyed my part time arrangement and now am back to full time.

My own mum was a SAHM and she put up with so much controlling behaviour from dad. She never got say over where money went.

No way would I ever be in a position of not earning money. I wish I could give my mum her time over again.

I see the reasoning. However, wouldn't someone want to retire at some point or what if they couldn't work for some reason. I often read about people retiring in their mid to late 50's. Personally, I would prefer to have a career to throw myself into - the menopause plus various other health issues have caused havoc for me in all sorts of ways and no hrt hasn't solved everything.

I have had children later. I am going to be late 50's early 60's by the time my two youngest dc reach adulthood and dc can be at home longer in these times so chances are I will be well into my 60's and possibly nearer 70 by the time dc move out.

Well with regard to work, in case you think you have no skills being a sahm gives you skills in caring, and if you can both children and adults need that… those decisions about someone needs a doctor, ensuring people have eaten nutritious food and drank fluids and slept.. if their poo and per look normal.. that’s the core of nursing right there.. FE colleges need people to help students with disabilities.. look at all the planning and organising skill you have.. don’t underestimate yourself.. the workplace needs you

@zoeslim I worked for 20 years before dc. I have my own pension thanks. However my house and savings with dh are worth more and I’ve 50% of that!

I’ve also had a great deal of say in our financial strategy. I inherited a chunk of it and we both meet our financial adviser. I know exactly what we have and how it’s invested. I’ve made spending decisions with DH at every turn. Why do people think a SAHM is an ignorant left out wimp?

Most people don’t have as much money as you. Have you considered the majority of families don’t have investment strategies

if there isn’t the money to make all this financial security, it’s a different story

Very glad you are safe.

SAHMs can be ignorant wimps. They can also be abused. They can also be extremely fortunate like you.

All kinds of people.

Just because you didnt go out to work doesn’t mean you had no responsibility for finances and how family money was spent - the 2 things are separate

I became a SAHM when we had our first child. We then had 2 more and I absolutely loved it.
when our youngest was 4, I became a Childminder so was still around for our children and earned a good amount. This lasted for 21 years. I then retired though DH is still working.
I wouldn’t change any decisions we made. Being at home was perfect for us but every situation is different.

Certain women can’t stand the idea that a woman who doesn’t have to work would be better off than those who do in the event of a divorce or death.

My friend got screwed in her divorce, her cheating, abusive ex ended up with half of her council pension and he made it look as if earned peanuts as he had his own business.

Nor does telling other women they shouldn’t be SAHM just because her husband is a twat.

Again, that’s because she married an arsehole and clearly had no idea about their finances. This isn’t an exclusively SAHM problem.

@SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut But the SAHM can be involved in everything. Why is the stereotypical default position that they aren’t involved and are financially naive?

What I would say though is that if women do stay at home, they must trust DH and be absolutely certain there’s enough money in the marriage for both of them. If there isn’t, and as DD is a divorce barrister I know it’s often not the case, work! But don’t assume everyone needs to work. A shit husband is a shit husband though.

Daft to move there then wasn't it.