DO NOT BE A SAHM!!!

[Blindinglybaffled]

Oh God it’s long, sorry!
Urgh, I’m having a bad week😔. But please can I ask that anyone considering being, or in the early stages of being a SAHM - seriously think(!!) and DON’T do it! I know, I know there are loads (?) of women for whom it’s worked, 18 years ago I’d have told you it was THE best decision I ever made. Dh & I agreed that when we had kids one of us would stay home and whoever had the best career prospects at that time would continue…for a while it looked like that’d be me …but it didn’t last. I loved being a sahm and when we moved to ‘paradise’ (/middle of nowhere) we again discussed and I pointed out I would never be able to regain my career in that location. DH said no worries, he was thrilled with the arrangement. He was so capable financially - tighter than me which was a real feat! - just really careful.… 20 ish years later and he’s mismanaged our assets, on a huge scale on top of which he invested in a company I told him not to and it looks like we’ve lost £100k at least…and he’s been made redundant (on 💩 terms). Our eldest teenager came down earlier and gave me both barrels because “if I just earned some money it’d never have got this bad” - WTAF. Dh has obv fed the kids the narrative that it’s all my fault. I do believe having a parent at home is the best way to parent if you can. But(!) it’s just not possible these days and we need to leave the model behind. To the sahm who thinks it’ll never be her, I never thought it’d be me. Please protect yourself- one or two days a week is enough if you can. Just never stop! The next 25+ years of my life are going to be pretty feckin rubbish. It’s my own fault, please don’t be me.

I was a SAHM until DC went to school, then went back to work. I think it's risky to stay as a SAHM when DC are school age/teens - i would only do this if I was financially secure in my own right.

And when I say I 'went back to work' - we had also moved and I could not go back to my previous successful career. So I started again doing something else and worked my way up. Sure this was an option for you?

I don’t think you’re in this situation because you’ve been a SAHM.
You can be a SAHM and still have a good handle on your finances.. your issue is actually your marriage rather than a lack of career on your part. The outcome has been caused by his financial mismanagement, not your lack of working. Your mistake was to trust him, not giving up your career.
best of luck to you I hope things aren’t as bad as you fear xxx

I was a SAHM for 15 years and I loved it. Best years of my life.

Now I'm a teacher and I feel like starting a thread DO NOT BE A TEACHER!!!

I have to agree my biggest regret was not keeping my own career.
even though I have worked at various times not just my thing
but this is really shi$ Op :(

Have you thought of going back to college as a mature student or even voluntary work to build up experience,me personally I'm self employed so my hours are part time which works better for me and my family

Like I said, what's important is financial independence and the ability to support one's own kids. If you're relying on a divorce or death payout to put a roof over your kids' heads if their father stops paying for it, good for you. I like to be a little more self sufficient.

Being a SAHM makes you incredibly vulnerable. I'm really feeling the weight of that decision now, 20 years later. I don't regret the decision on the kids behalf but I regret it hugely on my own behalf. If we split up (which is looking increasingly likely) he has huge earning potential for his future. I won't progress much above minimum wage. We were earning much the same before kids.

I’ve had ten years off as a sahm and it was a real privilege. I have always checked our bank account and savings. I think perhaps now’s the time to return to work and keep an eye on your bank accounts.

My mum drilled into me to never be financially dependent on a man. So I was was main breadwinner and had a man financially dependent on me- someone who had zero idea or compulsion to work or take any interest in anything beyond their own wants.

I'm telling my kids it's fine to be a sahp or main breadwinner, but finances are a shared concern - and that's not negotiable. Other things can be handed out- IE who works, who looks after kids- but finances are joint with joint responsibility and ownership.

Excellent advice. The amount of times I’ve heard “oh I’ve no idea bout money, that’s his/her job”. Both adults need to be aware of finances.

@Blindinglybaffled I hope you’re politely setting the kids straight. You don’t have to be rude and belittling about DH but the kids need to see and appreciate choices you both made, even if it’s led to this point. DH also needs to admit
and explain and have your back here - doing the right thing and fessing up will be a lesson to the kids in itself.

I hope you are feeling less anxious after coming here 🙏

Thank you for sharing your experience and your honesty OP.
But remember this isn't your 'fault'.

Everyone's views are shaped by their own opinions and you'll get a lot of people commenting where it's worked.

In my experience it's been a nightmare. Every SAHM I know has either put themselves or been put in awful positions financially and socially.

I have a good DH and I have been lucky that I have been able to work part time and flexible depending on kids needs; however I never wanted to rely entirely financially on someone; it is a massive risk. My parents split up when I was a teen and my mum was a sahm; she had to get into work and we did struggle financially for many years; we ate, had a roof under our heads and went to school but it was tough seeing my mum taking her jewerly to borrow money, buying cheapest food, no having money to fix leaking roof, etc.

This. Men who can't accept blame for what they have done. I am married to one who will stoop to weaponize my dc.

Unfortunately, these men don't think to consult or listen to a woman whom they deem beneath them. They make arrogant decisions. I have had this happen on a smaller scale though fortunately, it has not dented finances more a long the lines of I was informed of large purchase decisions.

I do know where savings are etc.
I'd like to add to this that married couples are entitled to sign half of their estate away to dc etc. as in a divorce scenario. You become tenants in common.

This has happened to me. Fortunately, there are sufficient funds for me to buy a reasonable property outright when the time comes and enough savings to top up my pension so I shouldn't lurch into poverty. I also have a sizeable pension from my husband's private pension upon his death having only a few hundred in private pension a month and state pension. Worked before having dc and low paying part-time work around dc.
I have also recently come into an inheritance (not huge) and it will be going into a bank account in my name as another buffer.
I realise I am fortunate. I could be in a very miserable predicament.
The state of things now are very different to when I got married and thought I knew the person I was marrying. I did not. Fortunately my husband is savvy with money.
I would not have changed becoming a sahm to my dc. This was very important to me.

My identity is very tied up to being a mother.

I do have regrets about not finding a career I enjoyed. As my children are getting older, I am feeling a bit lost. Menopausal and can't face building a new career. I'm trying to resign myself that I have to let go of any career regret (I don't know what the regret would be exactly as I never decided upon a career doing a string of admin jobs.)
Life seems to be full of regret one way or another. Pros and cons to everything.

If your teen can give it to you with both barrels then she can hear it too. I would not tolerate that level of disrespect from a teenager. You are the adults, you made the decisions, she doesn't get to second-guess or blame or treat you with contempt.

That said, I think your teens are probably very worried about the financial situation and need reassurance that you and your dh are in control and can sort this.

Sit them down and explain exactly why you are in this situation - don't let your husband's narrative be the only one they hear. I am always amazed how much people shield teens from the truth as if them not knowing what is really going on will somehow make it not happen. It is happening and they need to know why.

Also, this had less to do with you not working and more to do with you not taking any supervision of your financial arrangements. People can stay home but they need to be on top of pensions, investments, mortgages etc. If staying home means you don't get to see and weigh in on all those things then it is wrong for you.

My mother reared her daughters to always have a job - just in case.

Shortly, I could be deemed as being unemployed when my youngest dc goes to secondary school. As I have had her older, I could be classed as early retired which is how I describe myself. Meanwhile, I do realise that really I am unemployed. It doesn't feel too good. Thinking of volunteering in some capacity or other.

I was a SAHM for 7 years but back at work since the last 4 years. All accounts were always joint so I knew the state of our finances. No shocks there. I love being back at work and earning my own money and highly recommend it to everyone. I earn 3K a month now. It isn’t that much compared with DH’s salary and what I earned pre-kids but it gives me a lot of happiness to be earning my own money. Highly recommend it. And always keep saving into your ISA.

@Ally886 Let me introduce you to me! I’m perfectly ok and well off! It works when there’s money. Plus not having a stupid husband works too.

18 years ago is 2008, not the 1950s.

I think the OP's message should be to understand and be involved in the finances.

Did you ever go back to work @Blindinglybaffled
It is lovely being a sahm to pre-schoolers but unless they have extra needs, no one needs to stay permanently at home once they have started school.

@QuirkyHorse No you don’t need to stay at home if dh does a lot in the home or for dc. Some men have very full on work and some run businesses. The women is mad going back to work and volunteering to “do it all”.

Who says she should be bringing money in? She was at home looking after the children and he was supposed to be building his career. Absolutely ridiculous to say you can't be a SAHM to teenagers, there are too many different circumstances to decide that.
As a matter of interest if you have given up work so your husband can build his career and he fucks up where is the wife supposed to get a similar paying job from? And why is it down to her to sort out his mess?

I work part time. Anytime I think of jacking it all in I won't because I like earning. I also want to be able to buy expensive chocolate and not feel bad. anything can happen. The working partner could lose their job/become unable to work. What then? I think if a 2 parent family and able, both parents shd work.

In your opinion.
I was a sahm until the youngest went to school.
I then went back to work whilst dh worked away for 5 years, home weekends only.
Obviously I did all the heavy lifting in the week whilst at the weekends he would take them out for at least for one whole day.
They still talk fondly of their days out with him, they'd go all over. Never particularly planned, they'd just set off and see where they ended up.
Me? I knew I had a whole day to myself to do as I pleased. Bliss.
It worked well for us.
Now I still work whilst he has retired, so it has swung the other way.