DO NOT BE A SAHM!!!

[Blindinglybaffled]

Oh God it’s long, sorry!
Urgh, I’m having a bad week😔. But please can I ask that anyone considering being, or in the early stages of being a SAHM - seriously think(!!) and DON’T do it! I know, I know there are loads (?) of women for whom it’s worked, 18 years ago I’d have told you it was THE best decision I ever made. Dh & I agreed that when we had kids one of us would stay home and whoever had the best career prospects at that time would continue…for a while it looked like that’d be me …but it didn’t last. I loved being a sahm and when we moved to ‘paradise’ (/middle of nowhere) we again discussed and I pointed out I would never be able to regain my career in that location. DH said no worries, he was thrilled with the arrangement. He was so capable financially - tighter than me which was a real feat! - just really careful.… 20 ish years later and he’s mismanaged our assets, on a huge scale on top of which he invested in a company I told him not to and it looks like we’ve lost £100k at least…and he’s been made redundant (on 💩 terms). Our eldest teenager came down earlier and gave me both barrels because “if I just earned some money it’d never have got this bad” - WTAF. Dh has obv fed the kids the narrative that it’s all my fault. I do believe having a parent at home is the best way to parent if you can. But(!) it’s just not possible these days and we need to leave the model behind. To the sahm who thinks it’ll never be her, I never thought it’d be me. Please protect yourself- one or two days a week is enough if you can. Just never stop! The next 25+ years of my life are going to be pretty feckin rubbish. It’s my own fault, please don’t be me.

Just messaging here has calmed me down - thank you. I did actually get another degree and professional qualification a couple of years ago …issue now is I didn’t capitalise on the relevant experience at the time…but it’s still better than nothing though!

To answer the question 'do you actually check their bank accounts?' YES! And they shouldn't be his bank accounts, they should be joint accounts.

This is caused by a lack of equality of financial decisions in your relationship. Both of you should have been involved & have equal say. And yes, earning is important. I was SAHM for a few years and regret it as my job is now always less important and options are limited. I hate what I do passionately. However, I manage the finances as DH ignores them, or makes poor investment decisions. Lost us £10,000 and got us into debt. We're now mortgage free & I have a large pension because I took over. Working on DH's now

My DM was SAHM & blames my DF for their poor financial position. It is both their faults. Not being involved in the finances meant DF made/makes all the decisions. He was gifted a property & never needed a mortgage. He mortgaged it to invest high risk & did very well. Retired wealthy. Then refused to reduce risk exposure, despite financial advice. GFC happened & they lost almost everything. He now owes £125,000 to a relative, secured against the house so it'll need to be sold when DF dies. We'll be lucky to scrape together enough for DM's expenses.

Her lack of financial knowledge means I'll have to sort out the mess, manage her finances, and give her an allowance, like a child. And yes, if she'd contributed we would have had more growing up & she would have had a pension of her own.

I agree with you OP. I was a Sahm for about 8 years as financially we could afford it. Suddenly my high earning husband lost his job and contracts and I went back to work in a new field which fitted around the kids school hours. I work full time now. Like my job, work bloody hard but have no choice in reducing hours now kids are adults as financially can’t afford to as pay mortgage single handedly. Husband works a bit - earns basically v v little and I am left dealing with all the financial responsibilities (and everything else ). Not the life I envisaged 15 years ago but just keep doing it, partly to show our kids that I am a good role model (unlike their father !)
Go back to work- doing anything possible. SAHMs have excellent organisational skills and are great at logisitics, budgeting etc. Goodluck

Op I'm so sorry you're in this position and your husband is trying to put the blame on you, watch is nonsense.

Gently though, I feel the lesson here is "have full involvement and oversight over all household finances even if you're not earning" rather than "never be a SAHM". I'm a SAHM, kids are 8,4 and another due in Jan. It's a massive privilege to be able to spend all this time with my kids and I genuinely enjoy it, but I'm just as responsible (if not more so because I've got the spare time) for managing our finances as DH is. I contribute to a SIPP in my name, our savings are in joint accounts and I absolutely check them regularly.

I hope things start looking up soon and I'd set the record straight with your kids about responsibility for the current situation.

As I said. A gamble.

I have never handed over responsibility for my financial future to anyone and I've always made my own decisions. I rarely took much notice of my partners opinions regarding my money. This is why I am in the position I'm in. It's foolhardy to expect a man to have your best interests at heart when he's making decisions. There's a reason very few men become stay at home husbands.

Please look after your own financial futures.

I am sad that your children have been fed and then spewed the narrative your husband gave them.

I’d be heartbroken.

Whatever side you come down on of the sahm and the protect yourself and work discussion?

Not one of them have recognised the sacrifice you have made.

I’d be devastated.

Well obviously.
No one thinks ‘I don’t trust him but I’ll put my life in his hands anyway’ on marriage.
And partners don’t come with a lifetime warranty and we tend to lack clairvoyance.

So it is a massive risk and ‘but my partner is trustworthy’ sounds massively smug.

Sorry you're going through this OP. It's (mostly) his mess to sort if he's the one who didn't listen. Don't beat yourself up.

I would agree with you that being a SAHM and a lack of financial independence is downright foolhardy.

I am so sorry to hear this. I am older and so many sham of my generation ended up divorced and with no money.

Also it's never a good idea to let one partner manage finances alone. A friend did that, she worked, and found out by accident they were in massive debt.

My parents divorced when I was a toddler. The one thing it taught me was not to be financially dependent on a man (my mum had no choice - she was forced to give up her job when she got married).

DH and I both worked part time when the kids were young, I pursued my career as hard as I could and now have the security of knowing that if we split, I would have a much better life ahead than he would (I earn 3 x what he does).

If you are going to be a SAHM, for god’s sake (and as others have said) please don’t opt out of understanding the family finances.

OP, you took a risk in becoming a SAHM.
Your DH took a risk in taking on sole breadwinner role
And another with an investment that went wrong.
You both took a risk moving to the middle of nowhere

But apart from your DH’s mistake, they were all decisions you planned and took together for reasons you felt were right at the time.

It’s really bad luck that he got made redundant.

Pick up, re-group, tell your mouthy teen that you and his Dad made all these decisions together for what you believed to be the benefit of the whole family and he had no business speaking to you like that .

Work with DH on how he twin of you will pull out of this together.

Hold tight, you’ll be all right. Not as comfortable as you thought in the near future but all right.

Sorry this has happened to you OP but not all of those circumstances will apply to other sahms. I've been a sahm for 15 years but I have never put all finances in DH's control and in fact have grown our assets to the point that it brings in income high enough to exceed a ft wage anyway, so I have financial security without needing to work. It has just been a matter of researching carefully and investing well.
And many couples are struggling with redundancies right now - I know a few where it has happened to both parents, so even if you had both been in work you could still be facing financial disaster. It's a tough jobs market right now though and employment is not necessarily the path to security that it once was.

I'm not one, but I know lots who are and would never give up the time they had with their kids. All women (ok, most) used to get it, and I wish I'd been able to. Hated having to go back when they were little. Yes, sadly things can go wrong, but that can happen whichever path you take in life, so just wanted to say for any women lucky enough to be able to consider it, I do know people who would completely disagree, and both groups have the right to their own opinion.

Too late, already did it! But I also had full access to all finances and transactions and equal access to money. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.

This isn’t because you were at SAHM. It’s because your DH is not being a true supportive partner (and I don’t mean financially).

he was poor with money @OP,your husband needs to take responsibility for that. He did that and it was a huge risk to your family’s finances. That is what needs a serious conversation. Please don’t make SAHM or SAHF be responsible for that. All the best!

This just sounds like poor financial planning. Most people have a plan A and B, it doesn’t even really sound like you had a decent plan A.

I would encourage my dd to stay working and have an equal income household instead of one high earning and one SAH household.

You were unlucky OP
Are you going to leave him?

It really wasn't the 'standard thing at the time' 18 years ago to give up work and be a SAHM. Most women in the UK having a baby in 2026 returned to work part time at least, nurseries and childminders were a huge thing then.

I agree though peoples circumstances differ. I have watched so many of the women I know who have given work up to be SAHMs, getting bored and struggle to get back in careers or even jobs once their children are older. No pensions and no security blanket when husbands get sick, are made redundant, die or divorce them.
I also don’t see the value. My children who went to good childcare, are just as confident, resilient, successful and close to me and DH as their children.l also think they are going to have less drama and anxiety around putting their own children in childcare. I never got the angst people felt about that.

This is true. I returned 25 years ago to FT work and boy was I given hell from all the SAHMs. Well proof is now in the pudding as they say.

I agree that women should keep their financial independence and be involved in family finances for many reasons. Although I am fortunate enough to not have to go into FT work for a long time so I can still mostly be around for my DDs especially in their younger years.

My current plan after this maternity leave is to return to work 2 days a week with my eldest nearly starting school and youngest starting at nursery then I can still be there most the time but im earning my own money and topping up a pension and I can slowly build my career up again as the children get older without starting completely from scratch and having to fight for jobs with years of being out of employment against me.