DO NOT BE A SAHM!!!

[Blindinglybaffled]

Oh God it’s long, sorry!
Urgh, I’m having a bad week😔. But please can I ask that anyone considering being, or in the early stages of being a SAHM - seriously think(!!) and DON’T do it! I know, I know there are loads (?) of women for whom it’s worked, 18 years ago I’d have told you it was THE best decision I ever made. Dh & I agreed that when we had kids one of us would stay home and whoever had the best career prospects at that time would continue…for a while it looked like that’d be me …but it didn’t last. I loved being a sahm and when we moved to ‘paradise’ (/middle of nowhere) we again discussed and I pointed out I would never be able to regain my career in that location. DH said no worries, he was thrilled with the arrangement. He was so capable financially - tighter than me which was a real feat! - just really careful.… 20 ish years later and he’s mismanaged our assets, on a huge scale on top of which he invested in a company I told him not to and it looks like we’ve lost £100k at least…and he’s been made redundant (on 💩 terms). Our eldest teenager came down earlier and gave me both barrels because “if I just earned some money it’d never have got this bad” - WTAF. Dh has obv fed the kids the narrative that it’s all my fault. I do believe having a parent at home is the best way to parent if you can. But(!) it’s just not possible these days and we need to leave the model behind. To the sahm who thinks it’ll never be her, I never thought it’d be me. Please protect yourself- one or two days a week is enough if you can. Just never stop! The next 25+ years of my life are going to be pretty feckin rubbish. It’s my own fault, please don’t be me.

I’m sorry you’re going through a tricky time, but you’re being rather dramatic. I don’t know any family
that hasn’t been hit with an unexpected redundancy at some point. What generally happens is another job comes along. Often better than the one that was lost. So the ‘next 25 years’ will be fine.

Two things jump out in your post. The first is that you don’t have sight of the family finances, the second is the disgraceful way your daughter has spoken to you.

Being a SAHM isn’t the issue. Next steps are not to panic, your DH will get another job. Make sure you always know how money is being spent, saved and invested. Put your daughter straight on how she spoke to you. Get a job.

I think she meant her retirement. They’ve no money - no savings, investments. Because he lost it all. So yes, the next 25 years will
be shit. They’ll either need to work through their old age or live on a pittance. Because he lost all their money and for some inexplicable reason, the OP decided that being a SAHM meant she didn’t take any responsibility for family finances.

I think its a balance, if you can afford to stay home up to the secondary school start it a great boost to your child. However, you need to make sure you can go back into work after that. I agree with you saying 1-2 days or part time work should continue, just to make sure you can start again - even if that means starting at a lower level.

I could not afford to not work, it was heart-breaking to leave my baby with a childminder, but my god was I glad I did not stop when I had to split up from my ex!

OP, I think you need to be clearer about your definition of SAHM. It didn’t just mean not working for you, it appears to have meant disengaging from financial management and the family investments. You could have not worked but stayed on top of those and played a role in managing the assets your DH brought in through his work. I know a few SAHMs who have given up their careers and earning potential but remain fully involved in financial decisions.

Or did your DH not allow you a say in that because it was money he had earned. That is a different story.

I also, sadly, seen many times how unappreciative adult children are of their SAHMs when they are older, and how they look down on them for not having a job and career.

In that case @Blindinglybaffled do you have any contacts you could work who might be able to help you to get back into work?

I was a SAHM for 17 years and during that time I also did a second degree. I got back into work 18 months ago after graduating and working the one contact I had, which was a fellow mum on the side of a sports pitch who worked in that area. Bless her, she took my CV, put in a good word for me with the relevant team leader, that got me an interview that led to work experience and a job offer. I'm now working in a professional job with prospects for the first time since 2007, so it can be done. Good luck! And feel free to PM me.

For most women that sahm me included we go back to earning when the youngest starts school. I outearn dh now after 7 years off for the preschool years for two dc. Seems quite extreme to literally never work again after having a baby. It’s a life stage.

My understanding of being a SAHM is quite different.

Both my husband and I are academics, but after having three kids and dealing with the stress of work, we decided that I would stay home. We’re lucky to be in a position where our house is paid off and we have savings, etc.

Even though I worked my whole life to reach a certain point in my career, I’ve never been happier than I am now—spending time with my kids, taking care of our animals, and growing fruit and vegetables.

However, I’m just as involved in our finances as my husband is. I have access to all of our accounts, and we have a budget spreadsheet that we sit down and discuss every month. We don’t make major purchases without the other person knowing, and we both have the same amount of savings in our individual names. There is no way my husband would invest a large amount of money “even though I told him not to.”

Just because he earns the money doesn’t mean the decisions are his or that the money belongs to him. Everything is shared. He works for his income in a workplace, but I have just as much of a full-time job at home. Just because society doesn’t acknowledge it as a job doesn’t mean it isn’t one.

I’m sorry this happened to you, but I think the better message would be to encourage women to stay informed and involved in their finances, rather than telling them not to stay home.

Sorry you’re going through this OP! This exact situation happened to my mother. Also once my father isolated her in a gorgeous huge rural home he sabotaged every single attempt she made to work/upskill/earn her own money. When she started uni, he had a “mental breakdown”. When she got a job he had another “mental breakdown”. When she started using our rooms for B&B he had another “mental breakdown”. Whether he did this on purpose or not I have no idea, it’s possible that the thought of her being independent threw him into a mental crisis. Who knows. Anyway he ultimately fucked it all and destroyed her life, they’re now basically paupers and were both homeless for a while at 70. And since all this has come out I’ve actually heard of similar things happening to quite a few women around me! It’s just that nobody tells anyone because they want to spare these men the humiliation 🤡🤡🤡

After witnessing this I will NEVER trust a man financially. Hope you get yourself in a safe and secure position soon OP x

There is a big difference between being a SAHM and absolving yourself of all financial responsibility. You often hear women say 'oh, I don't work, my husband takes care of all the finances.' That to me is the bigger problem. Just because you aren't earning doesn't mean you shouldn't educate yourself about mortgages, investments, pensions etc. To me that is a far more stupid decision than being a SAHM.

The SAHM part is irrelevant. Your DH made poor financial choices and you have decided not to be involved with all financials. I have just had a baby and would LOVE to be a SAHM but I am main breadwinner so will be going to work while my DH will be SAHD quitting his job completely. He does not need to worry about finances because everything has always gone into a shared pot and every single investment has been a joint decision.

I don't quite understand the posters who have said "this is nothing to do with being a SAHM". It's true that the redundancy and financial mismanagement could have happened even if OP had been working. But surely the point is that at least they would have her income now, while her DH is looking for a job?

I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this predicament. I think your issue is less about being a SAMH and more about your DH making unwise investments. If he hadn't made those investments, you'd be fine. He would still have been made redundant, but you would have had some savings to fall back on until something came up.

You can let resentment and rancour tear you (and your family) apart or you can come together as a team and work on a solution (or solutions). Your teenager had no business speaking to you the way they did and I hope you pulled them up on it. And if your DH is behind those comments, you need to have a word with him too.

I have a bit of a cautionary tale whatever you choose.

Gave up a successful career with good prospects to become a SAHM on the insistence of my then DH. Turned out our DC have SEND, so SAHM turned into EHE as well. I thought we were happy. He was abusive, and it took me a very long time (and therapy) to recognise that.

He decided he couldn't cope with family life and wanted a divorce. His mind was set, there was to be no negotiating or counselling. His poor behaviour ramped right up, so I began sleeping behind DC's bedroom door, on the floor to try and avoid it. I was genuinely scared at that point.

When he left, he insisted I pay the whole mortgage as soon as I was working, because the DC and I were living there.

I have worked ever since. However, what he called laziness turned out to be ME - so I can't work FT anymore. I am so exhausted after work it's not unusual for me to fall asleep over/in my tea - and that will be it from me for the evening

Eldest (20 & disabled herself) walked out on us last month. Her words "Since you've been working, I'm sick of not being your priority anymore". She loved me being a SAHM and being EHE and thinks I should have tried harder to keep her out of school (Ex threatened me, if I didn't agree to put her in any school asap). She did not react well to the change in her life.

I struggle to see what I could have done/do differently.

TLDR: SAHM + Abusive DH = misery.
He walked out.
I got work.
Eldest (adult) now blames my work for any sadness in her life.

I'd give your teenage daughter and your DH both barrels back- why on earth di you let DH manage the investments alone? That's mad, being a SAHM, fine ,but if you have the capacity always be at least in joint charge of the finances.

After seeing my mum go through similar with my dad (not once but twice!) OP, I came to the decision I would always work.
I can understand your DD feeling anger towards you too - I did towards my mum, even though my dad's hid the problems from my mum, in my opinion both parents should take responsibility for providing for their kids and I did feel angry that she left it all to my dad and then pleaded ignorance when we went through what was a terrible time.
It doesn't matter how good a provider your other half is, how much you trust them.....they could become unwell and unable to work. The other parent may need to step in at any time. Just being a SAHP for a short time can severely impact their ability to earn.
I see it as my responsibility as a parent to ensure that I could take the reins on my own if needed. I'd feel unsafe if I couldn't.

I do think people talking about sharing financial decisions and getting a monthly spreadsheet out do need to consider the (huge) number of men who would simply refuse to do this. It’s a difficult ask. What do you do, agree spending money? Tell him he’s not allowed to buy xyz? What happens when he does anyway? It’s not a simplistic ask

Overall I agree, but not quite in the black and white way you phrase it. I also believe that, where possible, parents should stay home with their child 50:50 for the first few years. But you're right that if one person gives up all their prospects, they're completely screwed if their partner fucks up or fucks off.

On your teenager, you need to sit him down and have a conversation based in reality. Tell him the truth about matters. This is a generalisation but, most of the time, mothers try to spare everyone around them by hiding people's faults and putting the best spin on things. Fathers blame everyone but themselves.

@BadSkiingMum of course there are challenges but if you are in the workplace it’s generally easier to get another job vs not having worked for years.

Redundancies happen but often result in payouts.
Health challenges, many companies have good sick policies and things like critical illness cover or you can arrange it separately

If you can’t have those conversations with your husband then you’ve picked the wrong husband. If she couldn’t sit down and sort a family budget and be fully knowledgeable about all their investments, accounts and pensions then she simply picked the wrong man and that was the time to leave.

I am sorry this has happened and I agree with you - I have never been a SAHM I just couldn’t put my self in a vulnerable position and be dependent on someone else for money. Even those with high earning DH’s need to be very clear what their role is in terms of money oversight and have as much say on spending.

I know I will be slated for this but there is absolutely no need for any one to be a SAHP when the kids are 13 plus - unless there is a a health or learning need. Even if its a part time job when the kids are little it keeps you in the employment market, it keeps your skills honed.

In the meantime I would be giving your H and your 17yo a right mouthful - how dare your DS speak to you like that and how dare you arse of a H fill his head with his bullshit!

Yeah, dont give your DD both barrels if you want to preserve any kind of future relationship with her OP!
Having been the teenage DD in this position, I would suggest listening to her and accepting that she has a right to feel aggrieved at both parents for not ensuring her feeling of security. Being in that position did a massive number on me that took me years to get over and I have a very poor relationship with both parents now as a result of it.

Also having an interest in your family finances doesn’t mean you can’t be impacted by bad investments/wider economic stress

OP, I'm so sorry. That's shit. Is your home secure? With two degrees and professional qualifications, I'm sure you will be able to turn this around. And you now know your h is crap with money, takes stupid unnecessary risks and you need to have full visibility of all financial decisions going forward. You also need to check exactly what he has said to your teens and make sure they have an accurate picture of what has happened. Don't hide the truth. It is an important insight for them, for their future relationships.

Your h also needs to acknowledge he has cocked up massively, or he may do it again, trying to make the money back. Be careful.

YANBU I think it's a fool's game to rely absolutely on anyone else. Financial independence is essential, especially if you have a child.

My ex wanted me to be SAHM but I returned to work full time after maternity leave. For various reasons we split, but 17 years later, I found he used his house as collateral against a business loan, and has lost everything. Literally, all he has is his pension,no home, with no time to rebuild. Madness.

I’m sorry you are in this situation but this has very little to do with you being a SAHM and more to do with the fact that you have allowed your husband to manage your finances and not had your eye on them at all times .Even if you’d been working a £100k loss would be huge . I’ve always been p/t or a SAHP and I’ve always managed the finances .