DO NOT BE A SAHM!!!

[Blindinglybaffled]

Oh God it’s long, sorry!
Urgh, I’m having a bad week😔. But please can I ask that anyone considering being, or in the early stages of being a SAHM - seriously think(!!) and DON’T do it! I know, I know there are loads (?) of women for whom it’s worked, 18 years ago I’d have told you it was THE best decision I ever made. Dh & I agreed that when we had kids one of us would stay home and whoever had the best career prospects at that time would continue…for a while it looked like that’d be me …but it didn’t last. I loved being a sahm and when we moved to ‘paradise’ (/middle of nowhere) we again discussed and I pointed out I would never be able to regain my career in that location. DH said no worries, he was thrilled with the arrangement. He was so capable financially - tighter than me which was a real feat! - just really careful.… 20 ish years later and he’s mismanaged our assets, on a huge scale on top of which he invested in a company I told him not to and it looks like we’ve lost £100k at least…and he’s been made redundant (on 💩 terms). Our eldest teenager came down earlier and gave me both barrels because “if I just earned some money it’d never have got this bad” - WTAF. Dh has obv fed the kids the narrative that it’s all my fault. I do believe having a parent at home is the best way to parent if you can. But(!) it’s just not possible these days and we need to leave the model behind. To the sahm who thinks it’ll never be her, I never thought it’d be me. Please protect yourself- one or two days a week is enough if you can. Just never stop! The next 25+ years of my life are going to be pretty feckin rubbish. It’s my own fault, please don’t be me.

Sorry this happened. It is not just your fault. Your DH messed up too.

do you have any skills to get back into the workplace?

It's tricky though. I value the time I spent at home with my babies. It was a huge privilege and I don't think I'd go back and change that. But also - it turns out my husband is a massive shit. Never though it would happen to me. Our shared plan for life together hinged on him not being a selfish arsehole. I did my bit and now he's gone swanning off with his massive salary and I'm an idiot. Sometimes I think the answer is not to have trust be a part of the arrangement. But would I have wanted to spend the last 30 years not trusting my husband? No, I don't think so. I was wrong to trust him but I don't regret that I did.

I agree with you. I wouldn’t jack in worn for all the gold in the world.

This sounds tough OP but the world has changed a lot in 18 years and you did the standard thing at that time, which was also the best you could with the information you had at the time.

You could equally say “make sure you’re fully involved in the household finances” to people.

Don’t beat yourself up. There’ll be something you can do - get a job, investments come back, an inheritance turns up. Worst case downsize to free up cash. Things will be ok.

As an aside, I worry that some of the issues withour eldest child were caused by me working full time when she was young. There’s a downside whatever you do…

Sorry you’re having such a rough time of it at the moment. I respectfully disagree with the overall sentiment that noone should be a SAHM because of your experience, but understand why you feel that way!

I’m very sorry you’re going through this, but this is an issue caused by you and your partner, not being a SAHM in general. It’s very possible to do the stay-at-home parent thing if you build a life with someone who you can trust. Easier said than done though.

It's a joint decision and a joint mess you got yourself into.

I have been a SAHM - but got bored within 18 months and went for a FT job ... then was made redundant when youngest was 2ish and the plan was to be SAHM again until youngest starts school... lasted less than 8 months and got a brilliant pt job... I admire mums who manage to be a SAHM for several years. As for my part, I love my DC no question, but gosh, the early years are sooooo boring! Love the teenagers though, much more fun with a quirky intellect. As for my wages, originally I earned the same as DH but obviously less later on. So most of what I earn can be seen as family fun money.

This is more an example of why no one single adult should have decision making rights over finances, savings etc. You can be a SAHM and still insist upon 100% visibility on all finances as well as 50/50 rights on all financial decisions. Id never trust another adult to make financial decisions on my behalf or om behalf of my kids.

So sorry you are in this mess OP. Time to think creatively about what you can do now to earn some money - and keep it in your own bank account!!! And your DH needs to be clear with your DC that this is his mess and that the decision for you to drop your career was a joint one, that he wanted too.

I agree with you. In my ideal world, each parent would work a 4 day week and the kids would have one day at home with each parent (thus making sure dads have an equal relationship with the kids!), the kids would have three days a week at nursery/pre-school to get all the benefits of being with other kids, early years education, etc, and then all the family together for two days on the weekend.

Hmm I have mixed feelings. I don't regret my time as a SAHM. Once they were in secondary school I retrained and have busted my butt for the last 10 years to build a career and I now out earn my husband. My pension is fucked though so that is a massive regret on my part but I am ploughing a lot of money into building it up.

Sadly with the cost of living I do think women who want to be SAHM's need to be far more mindful about future proofing their finances. I would not recommend being a SAHM for 18 years though if you are entirely reliant on your husbands income.

Sorry your husband has royally screwed your finances.

Couldn't agree me @Blindinglybaffled. SAHM's are playing Russian Roulette with their and their children's futures.

For the sake of having 121 time with them when they're babies, you're risking their home, financial stability, possibility of university (because a dad that shags off and leaves with another woman leaves a SAHM in no fit state to fund uni for your children).

I saw my mum go through divorce and ending up in poverty, which I grew up in. I had no intention of ending up there myself and work was the way I avoided it.

Did you not see the bit where she had trust in her partner?

Having trust and actually having a trustworthy partner are two very different things as the OP found out!

Rule no. 1: never trust a man.

I've lived by this rule my whole life, despite being very happily married for over 20 years.

Always look after your own interests, because should the shit hit the fan, you'll be left to clean up the mess and your man will run off into the sunset.

When I was a SAHM I made sure to top up my NI contributions. I took a chunk of our money each month and saved it in my name only. DH's earnings went into a joint account and I had access to everything. I also made sure I had up to date paper copies of our finances.

Being a SAHM shouldn't mean your DH is in sole charge of the family's finances.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Your DH is a twat for investing in something you advised against. And he's an even bigger twat for filling your DC's heads with nonsense and blaming you!

OP obviously thought she could trust him or she wouldnt have done it...
There are literally thousands of threads in the Relationships boards where women are absolutely floored to find out their husband is cheating/a gambler/alcoholic etc etc because they would never have imagined it of them. 'Easier said than done' - its not that its easier said than done, its that none of us know for certain that we can 100% trust someone because in the absence of giant waving red flags, there is simply no way of knowing if someone's going to shaft you or not! You can only hope that you've made the right choice. Apologies if I have misread your comment.

Yes, I agree - the early years for me at home were on the most part really bloody brilliant - we had such a good time, they felt safe, one of my children who has been badly bullied throughout school has had me on speed dial & available…without that I think things could’ve gone truly awfully wrong. Being a sahm has benefited them hugely - it’s really insulting that dh seems now to be feeding them crap about my ‘ineptitude’…

So the problem is not that you were a SAHM but your DH is a git, really.

Push back against his narrative. Calmly, but clearly.

Really sorry hear what you've been through. It's not the same for everyone though. I gave up work when we had DD, loved it, had lots of great experiences, but also worked hard doing all the housework, gardening, maintenance I could so we had quality time together. Money was tight, but we both had full access to our finances, also we were totally honest with eachother. DH tried a different job when DD was little, we were incredibly poor and realised that so went back to his previous profession. We're now 30 years on, really happy and still totally trust eachother with finances/other things in life.

I loved being a SAHM - I retrained and went back to work when my youngest was 6 and eldest was 13. I paid voluntary NI contributions and we set up a private pension too. I think they were the happiest years of my life and I don't regret it for one second.

Any adult who puts their financial security in the hands of someone else is insane IMHO

I think there’s probably a balance to be struck here. Being a SAHM when your child is under 5 is probably a good thing if you can afford it, but being a SAHM for 20 years is extreme. I think a SAHM should be aiming to get back into the workforce once the child starts school, and should definitely be back by the time they are at secondary school. By that point, you stop being a SAHM, and are just unemployed!

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

But I don't think it's about being a SAHM so much as he's unilaterally made bad decisions.

The absolute bloody cheek of your DH and kids! How dare they!

I'm sorry, OP.

Being a SAHM wasn't the problem here, the problem was DH having full control of the finances you your lack of visibility and decision making over them (not sure if he prevented this or not).

Sadly, your teenager's remark comes from a place of their own lack of insight, and yes, potential DH in his/her ear twisting the story.

This isn't your fault.

Thank you for the solidarity. I suppose the point here - you have faith in your oh - do you actually check their bank accounts?… Honestly, for the first 10 years of our marriage we scrimped - I would be held to task over an expensive shampoo from the supermarket. We slept on the floor till we could afford the quality mattress. When he said finances/accounts were at xyz in the last few years I didn’t think of questioning, I had implicit trust - we’ve been together just under 30 years (married 20) ….things have gone obv wrong in the last 5ish and are just now hitting the fan…