DO NOT BE A SAHM!!!

[Blindinglybaffled]

Oh God it’s long, sorry!
Urgh, I’m having a bad week😔. But please can I ask that anyone considering being, or in the early stages of being a SAHM - seriously think(!!) and DON’T do it! I know, I know there are loads (?) of women for whom it’s worked, 18 years ago I’d have told you it was THE best decision I ever made. Dh & I agreed that when we had kids one of us would stay home and whoever had the best career prospects at that time would continue…for a while it looked like that’d be me …but it didn’t last. I loved being a sahm and when we moved to ‘paradise’ (/middle of nowhere) we again discussed and I pointed out I would never be able to regain my career in that location. DH said no worries, he was thrilled with the arrangement. He was so capable financially - tighter than me which was a real feat! - just really careful.… 20 ish years later and he’s mismanaged our assets, on a huge scale on top of which he invested in a company I told him not to and it looks like we’ve lost £100k at least…and he’s been made redundant (on 💩 terms). Our eldest teenager came down earlier and gave me both barrels because “if I just earned some money it’d never have got this bad” - WTAF. Dh has obv fed the kids the narrative that it’s all my fault. I do believe having a parent at home is the best way to parent if you can. But(!) it’s just not possible these days and we need to leave the model behind. To the sahm who thinks it’ll never be her, I never thought it’d be me. Please protect yourself- one or two days a week is enough if you can. Just never stop! The next 25+ years of my life are going to be pretty feckin rubbish. It’s my own fault, please don’t be me.

I don’t think it’s OP’s fault for ignoring finances. She told her h not to invest in something that he did. No amount of her attention to finances could have stopped him being made redundant, or changed the terms.

Teenagers are very judgmental and have pretty much 0 idea of what life is really like. I would ignore all of that from them.

this isn’t meant as a dig at you, because the only thing you’ve done wrong here is trust a man who didn’t deserve it.
But the key to being a SAHM is to also control the finances. I saw it as one of my jobs whilst at home with the kids. My ex husband did also turn out to be a complete shit, but one who needed to ask me about his financial situation in order to fill in his form E

Those arguing that the root of the op's problem is trusting her dh with the finances are missing that regardless of whose name accounts are in, SAHMs rapidly lose their earning power. This is the big risk that almost every single sahm now bears because spousal support is not really a thing. Unless you have massive assets, if it all goes tits up either financially or in your marriage, you will need to get a job, yet will struggle to find a high-paying one. Meanwhile the high-earning husband can swan off and continue the same lifestyle while you're struggling to make ends meet.

20 ish years later and he’s mismanaged our assets, on a huge scale on top of which he invested in a company I told him not to and it looks like we’ve lost £100k at least…and he’s been made redundant (on 💩 terms)

So the problem isn’t you being a SAHM, it’s two other problems: your husband mismanaging your money and you not keeping an eye on the money management years ago so you could have hopefully spotted the mess.

Nothing to do with being a SAHM at all. If you’d worked, your husband would probably have added that extra money to the money he totally mismanaged. I was a SAHM for years and it was fantastic. In addition,I managed the finances and we lived comfortably.

Tell your teenager a version of what I’ve said above, and don’t let your husband blame you. He f**ked up the money.

Not really. If the husband wasn't a complete tit this situation wouldn't have happened. It has nothing to do with being a sahm.

This isn’t anything to do with being a SAHP.

No-one has a crystal ball and life can throw you the odd curveball regardless of how careful you are.

Lots of women hit their middle years and then disaster strikes and the future they had been working hard for is gone in a split second. Partners cheat, partners die suddenly or they fuck up the finances. None of which can be prevented by not being a working parent. I won’t tell you my story as it’s not really relevant but I survived and I’m now in my 60’s and happy with my life. I have 4 friends who were widowed in their 30’s/40’s and 50’s and they’ve adapted and learnt to move on.

Your DH needs to accept responsibility for his part in this rather than trying to deflect onto you. The blame game you’re both playing solves nothing. You both have to accept what has happened and that life has irrevocably changed. Then you look at what options you have. You might not like them but you still have options.

Good luck and remember, everything changes even if you choose not to engage, it changes despite you.

’m so sorry you’re going through this. ❤️ Please don’t blame yourself for decisions you made in good faith based on the information and circumstances you had at the time. You and your DH made that decision together, and it sounds like you gave up a huge amount of your own career opportunities because you both believed it was the right thing for your family.
What’s happened financially isn’t your fault simply because you weren’t earning a wage. You contributed years of childcare, running the home and supporting your family — that has real value, even if it doesn’t show up on a payslip.
And I completely understand why you want other women to protect themselves after what you’ve experienced. Hopefully your story will make people think about pensions, savings, keeping skills current and maintaining some financial independence, without making them feel guilty for choosing to stay at home.
I really hope things improve for you. It sounds like you’ve got a horrible amount to deal with right now, but 25 years of your life being rubbish isn’t written in stone. Please be kind to yourself. ❤️

I enjoyed being a SAHM for several years, and I think it’s the best for kids if you can do it, but there came a time when I knew I wanted to go back to work.
The mistake I made was not getting DH to pay into a private pension for me.

This is nonsense. My DD is nearly 17 and being a SAHM was very much a luxury when she was little.

Good post OP. Hard to say this without insulting you personally, but I've no idea why a woman would make herself so vulnerable, even if she just considers herself to be working to pay childcare. On that note, she wouldn't be because both parents are responsible for that cost.

The probelm with being a SAHP now is that getting back into decent work, should some shit hit the fan, can be very difficult.

I don’t think the specific circumstances you’re currently experiencing links up with being a SAHP. I came on expecting it to be along the lines of you having been a SAHP for decades, and then dh walked out leaving you screwed. That’s a reason why you should never not work, because you always need to retain your independence in any relationship. But your issue could have happened if you were working, and could have involved you being roped in with his mistakes and losing money too.

Of course I know what is happening in our accounts! I am equally (if not more so) in charge of the family money.

It is tax efficient for the savings to be solely in my name. Husband's salary paid into joint account and a monthly sum goes in to top up my pension.

I don't check his personal account where his "fun money" gets paid into. But then I don't really want him to see mine either!

Being a SAHM will kill your career. But there is no reason why you need to take a step back from managing the family finances. The SAHP often is the one that has the time to find the best interest rates, sort out tax returns etc. Then everything gets discussed and agreed upon together.

you have options, what were you doing before? look into your industry, LinkedIn is a great corporate resource, have you stayed in touch with uni mates? Ask for an intern position?

Or completely different. Do you like children (other than your own?) Nannying can be lucrative? PA can be rewarding.

@BobbleBearmy friend had her DH walk out and a nasty divorce. The fact she still worked was her lifesaver.

How did he mismanage your assets ? Do you mean he lied about savings or spent them? What about your home? Is that in your name ?

Please do not put parents off doing what feels right for them and what they deem best for their children.

The fact that it has not worked out for you cos your OH has been an idiot is no reason to assume this will happen to others.

As for your OH feeding the children the idea that it is your fault ... words fail me! And your teenager needs taking to task for their ill manners.

I am sorry that your partner has proved to be a wrong'un, but that is individual to you and not a reason for others to ditch being a SAHP if they feel it is right for their family.

I hope you find some way through all this.

People often turn into dickheads though

I agree like many others that this is about money mismanagement rather than being a SAHM . Also probably about your DH lashing out because he knows he’s failed and let the family down and wants to blame someone other than himself . Your teen also lashing out as they probably feel pretty scared right now . Sounds like you are the grown up in the family . Look past what people are doing to why and try and talk .I wish you luck OP . All human beings are fallible .

Being a SAHM will kill your career .... didn't kill mine.

These things are individual and generalisations are not helpful.

I agree. When I was pregnant with my first DH said to me ‘oh so you could stay at home with the baby and I will support us’ and I said right away ‘No way, ai am not giving up my security’. Within 2 years he had been through a redundancy, then a few years later another one, then we had another another baby, he then had a serious illness, he’s had to leave his high paying work to take something easy and part time. I remained steady in my career and built it up, earning more than he ever did now. If I had been a stay at home mum we would probably be homeless and relying on the council to house us.
I always think that nothing lasts forever and make hay while the sun shines… so for me that meant keep a career going in case anything happened to him and be able to save my own money in case anything happened and so I stayed in work.
I would never, ever have trusted a man with my independence and future. The only person you can truly rely on is yourself.

Yes. It's this and doing a day or two part time. We have a joint account and separate accounts. You can start ISAs (if not already). Today you can have apps on your phone so each day you can access the (yours, his, joint) accounts and any investment/s (not that we had any when they were younger) to see where you are (that gets addictive).

Never be happy to exist without knowing your financial status as a couple, every day/week.

I loved being at home with them and stayed as long as possible until I had to start doing a few hours and then more hours.. but was good to keep hand in then later go back to 4-5 days.

I did make the mistake of not starting a private pension (i am SE and he has his pension), which is very stupid. So my wages paid for holidays and all the luxuries. We're still together (miraculously), and so I suppose we share the pension but it'd be much more comfortable if we had 2.

But yes being a SAHM was the best, for me anyway. But I know everyone is different and like you say OP, keep other things going .

OP - do you mean that you'll both have to keep working longer now? Can you downsize? Sorry if this has been asked before, bit of a rambling message.

The message from this seems to be not "don't be a stay at home mum" but rather "Don't let a feckless husband invest your joint money"

In today's economy it is very very likely to. AI and hundreds of thousands of bright graduates chomping at the bit and they'll take lower pay to do the same job.

My career is not one you can leave at any point though. I am quite envious of friends, who are all mainly primary school teachers, who seem to be able to pause for 5 years and then walk straight back in as if nothing has happened.

And a note to remember.
Being tight does not equate to being financially capable. If someone is peculiarly tight and you think you should have more money than you do for things, and one person manages the money, ask questions.
Clearly, he was not tight with investments the OP knew nothing about. But tight with the information shared.