DO NOT BE A SAHM!!!

[Blindinglybaffled]

Oh God it’s long, sorry!
Urgh, I’m having a bad week😔. But please can I ask that anyone considering being, or in the early stages of being a SAHM - seriously think(!!) and DON’T do it! I know, I know there are loads (?) of women for whom it’s worked, 18 years ago I’d have told you it was THE best decision I ever made. Dh & I agreed that when we had kids one of us would stay home and whoever had the best career prospects at that time would continue…for a while it looked like that’d be me …but it didn’t last. I loved being a sahm and when we moved to ‘paradise’ (/middle of nowhere) we again discussed and I pointed out I would never be able to regain my career in that location. DH said no worries, he was thrilled with the arrangement. He was so capable financially - tighter than me which was a real feat! - just really careful.… 20 ish years later and he’s mismanaged our assets, on a huge scale on top of which he invested in a company I told him not to and it looks like we’ve lost £100k at least…and he’s been made redundant (on 💩 terms). Our eldest teenager came down earlier and gave me both barrels because “if I just earned some money it’d never have got this bad” - WTAF. Dh has obv fed the kids the narrative that it’s all my fault. I do believe having a parent at home is the best way to parent if you can. But(!) it’s just not possible these days and we need to leave the model behind. To the sahm who thinks it’ll never be her, I never thought it’d be me. Please protect yourself- one or two days a week is enough if you can. Just never stop! The next 25+ years of my life are going to be pretty feckin rubbish. It’s my own fault, please don’t be me.

Don’t we all do this? Not trying to be antagonistic but just pondering.

Before I met DH, I lived in a three bed terraced house, worked full time, paid my mortgage and didn’t have a lot left but enough. DH earns more than me so his house was a bit more salubrious but neither of us could afford our current lifestyle without the other.

So does he rely on me, or me on him?

Or should everyone just ensure they don’t live a lifestyle they couldn’t manage solo? Which is a miserable way to live.

That all said, without wanting to resort to MN cliches, it sounds like your husband is the problem @Blindinglybaffled . But it’s very easy to lash out and blame others in the midst of a panic, easier than blaming yourself

If everyone insisted others don't do something because of things that went wrong in their lives then no one could do anything. Don't work full time, don't get married, don't have children, don't buy a house etc. I've heard horror stories in each of these scenarios. I'm sorry this happened to you but preaching to others because of your own mistakes is silly and sounds childish.

I think your mistake here was having no oversight of the money. I’ve not earned for two years (combination of SAHM and gone back to university for a career change) but everything my husband earns goes into our joint account and all of our savings are under both names. I probably do more money management than him. There’s just no world in which either of us could mishandle the finances without the other knowing.

That's your life, and yes it's gone to shit, but that's a very sweeping statement. Not all of his have dickhead husbands.

I do think it’s a mistake for women not to work, part time anyway. It’s about retaining and developing your skills over time as much as money. Otherwise you can become completely de skilled and not be able to get a job later on. Also you’re financially exposed if he leaves you or you leave him, for any reason.

Think you need to change the title of your post to DO NOT MARRY A DICK HEAD!!!

@Minasama when my children were young I had to work full time and overtime for us to survive. I felt guilty I had so little time with them and couldn’t afford the posh house, meals and days out their father could . They are adults now and apart from the odd holiday the only thing they really remember as being bad was their stepmother’s cooking!

Exactly.
I was a sahm for years, but information on finances was shared and managed by me. Allowing one partner to take control without having oversight of what’s happening is the key issue here imo.

What a mean spirited post.

This

Yup

No it isn’t. It’s the truth of situation. OPs situation has nothing to do with being a sahm and everything to do with her dickhead DH.

And there were a million ways of putting it that didn’t involve spite.

Good thing it didn’t then.

As someone who was a SAHM for 22 years, I would agree with you in advising women not to go down that route, however attractive it might seem to you. I'd agree, just keep doing something, if only for a few hours a week.

However, I don't think your current situation has anything to do with you being a SAHM. It is entirely down to your dh's shit financial management and risky investments. Don't blame yourself and don't allow your dd to blame you either.

You say the next 25 years are going to be rubbish that's a depressing statement.
Do you own your own place. Mortgage? Equity ?
Is you DH actively looking for a new job?
X

@Sherararara if you don’t think telling someone their life has gone to shit is spiteful, then we have very different ideas of what spite looks like.

Exactly this. It's not being a sahm that's the problem it's losing all sight of whats going in with the money that's the problem.
X

There should be overall financial decisions of a large nature, though DH and I did invest separately for many years but we were in very different circumstances.

Having one wage is always a risk though, regardless of the reasons as to why.

Maybe your post should be renamed

" DON'T IGNORE ALL FINANCES FOR 20YEARS"

Not all sahm are so stupid as to not be involved in business decisions. Why didn't you sort a private pension out?

If you had all the gold in the world then giving up work wouldn’t be an issue!

It's a risk being a SAHM definitely. I'm also not sure why mums feel the need to not work altogether. I understand it's nice to spend time with your children when they're little, but you can work part time 2 days a week and you've still got plenty of time for that. Plus nursery/childcare is good for them for development.

I've always worked part time since having my daughter and as a result I've held onto skills, recency and NI record. Granted I don't really have proper career progression anymore, but it wouldn't take much to get that back as I've kept my hand in.

I dont think this is a being a SAHM issue,its DH and you issue.
(we can argue the advantages/disadvantages of being a SAHM and for how long v working fulltime with children and partime with children)
The issue here is your DH mismanaging your finances and you not paying attention to your families finances. also.Your DH blaming his mismanagemt of finances on your jointly deciding you being a SAHM to your children is unfair.
Sit the family down and explain why you and your DH made the decisions you made,then make a plan to deal with changed situation you now find yourselves in.

When everyone is calm, sit the teen down and explain what happened ie money was mismanaged, not that the problem was you were too inept to earn any.
make sure the teen understands how hard you have worked to his / her advantage
make sure the teen understands how decisions got made and how decisions should, ideally, be made
you deserve respect for what you did, even if you regret some of it

I hear you OP. Ive always worked because I knew I could never trust a man and I was absolutely right. You cant trust them. Thank God I always worked and kept on top of it all.