I’ve been put in an awful position by friends Dad!

[FancyDreamer]

My friends dad added me on Facebook not long ago, which isn’t unusual I have lots of my friends parents on there. I noticed he’d separated from her mum but never messaged or engaged with him at all.

I posted some pictures at a garden centre yesterday and he has liked them all then messaged me saying hi and calling me baby girl, I’m in my 40s he’s in his 60s so immediately my back came up with the term. I didn’t respond to the message.

Today he’s sent me atleast 10 messages; not once have I replied saying he thinks about me a lot he’s single now and we should meet up one day for a drink. I’m absolutely furious because now I’m in a position where he’s crossed a line. I will feel uncomfortable at my friends gatherings as we quite often do all get together family wise as my parents were close with her parents so on and so forth.

I still haven’t replied but intend on telling him it’s entirely inappropriate, but do I tell my friend this has happened? We’ve been friends over 30 years and never ever fallen out. I feel sick.

You need to do the "Dear Jim" direct message that a pp posted - that's the best one and I don't think you should soften it with "has he been hacked". This is his shame not yours. Also, screenshot the messages, send him the direct and firm "Dear Jim" type message then block him. And if your friend asks, send her the screenshots. It's reminding me of a time years ago when I was about 19 or 20 and my parents' close friends were round and the husband who I'd always liked basically made an unexpected and sudden pass at me out of earshot of my parents and his wife. It was something similar like "babe" or something. I've tried to block out the memory. He'd known me since I was born, pictures of him and his wife holding me in my christening gown. Ugh. Gave me the ick and I never told my parents. I wish I'd "Dear Jim'd" him at the time.

Yes, I know that. I was joking.

I know he is still considered middle aged in his 60s but it sounds quite old to be described as such.

It does rather depends if he's at the beginning of his 60s or at the end of them, I suppose.

Middle age probably finishes around mid 60s I imagine.

Reading this has given me the creeps and reminded me of a not to dissimilar situation.

After my dad's funeral, at the wake, I was speaking to guests, just something innocuous like 'there's tea and coffee just over there...'. Mom's cousin's husband, who must be about 70, sat his arse down and said 'i'll have tea please' as if I'd just offered to make it! Anyway, I hesitated but then kind of just did it, thinking 'cheeky git!'

Anyway, he phoned my house weeks later, hubby answered and he asked for me. Asked if they (he and mom's cousin) could have my mobile so that we could stay in touch. Which was bizarre as we were never in touch, but I thought maybe they were getting older, and reaching out as I hasn't got my parents any longer and we had all lost touch.

A short while later a creepy text arrived from him which honestly made me feel physically sick. I told both of my older brothers. One offered to 'have a word' but I decided at the time it was best left.

When I read your thread, my first reaction was that you should say something, although I never did.

I just know that I can empathise as he's put you in a difficult situation now should your paths cross in the future. I feel creeped out on your behalf. Let us know what you decide and how it goes 😊

I am surprised no one on this thread has suggested the guy has early onset dementia. That crops up quite often on here to justify vile behaviour. I think your parents need to know @FancyDreamer .They can then decide if they want their friendship with him to continue. I am on the fence about telling your friend OP. I am not sure what that would achieve? All the suggestions about screenshots and blocking seem to be sensible suggestions.

I would screenshot and send it to your dad and friend. Dirty old git is probably doing it to loads of other women too.

"Go away or I'll tell my dad" might work quite well too.

Surely no one in their 40s thinks that 60 is elderly, that's ridiculous. They haven't even hit their state retirement age and it's not unusual for them to still have children in education

It's not 1926

I would just be brief and very direct.

”No thanks, not interested. Don’t contact me again.”

Then block.

Indeed . I’m 62 & went on a 15 mile bike ride today!

I don’t think a 60 something is elderly. I’m 41 and certainly wouldn’t want to shag a 60 odd year old though.

This. Why should the friend have to be upset as well? Just block him, for goodness sake.

60 isn't necessarily elderly but 69 is. So, it's probably best judged in person. I.e. how fit and healthy you are and also: massively depends on how you look because until you ask; you don't know someone's age. I have seen some people I'd describe as elderly and then it turned out they were in their 50s 🤯

Make sure you do, OP.

Screenshot the messages you've received so you have them as proof before unfriending and blocking him.

The dirty old bastard needs putting on his arse.

Just reply no thanks & remove/block from Facebook. End of.

zero drama, nothing for him to start getting upset about. Friend does not need to know.

Possibly unpopular view here.

While you 1,000% should send him a clear, unambiguous message saying you are not interested in a relationship from him and not to make any further overtures on that front, I would think twice about telling your friend.

It’s not like he’s your friend’s husband who is trying to cheat with you. He is a single man. Yes, the age difference is an ick for most of us - but it’s not intrinsically wrong. There are plenty of examples of couples with a 20+ year age difference. And the fact he’s your friend’s father adds an extra level of ick for most of us, but just imagine for a moment that you had always found him charming, attractive etc, and a relationship with him actually appealed. It’s happened.

If you tell your friend, what is she going to do with that information? Will it damage her relationship with him? Or with his grandchildren? What’s the benefit of her knowing? Do you think it’s the only thing which will stop him coming on to you?

In short, I would give him a clear and unambiguous no thanks, and see what happens. Hopefully he will be mature enough to accept it and leave you alone, and indeed to behave himself when the families get together.

If that happens, then leave your friend out of it.

If he continues to pester, or acts creepy when you are all together, that might be the time to tell her. Although even then I’m not sure what it would achieve.

What would put you off shagging them? Is it because they're elderly..? 🤣 Haha they might be 'youthful elders' but I feel like 60s qualifies as elderly and rightly so: it's not an insult. It means people should be treating you with more care and respect.

I would also go with a dementia concern enquiry. Ask your friend if she is worried about her dad having dementia as he has sent you lots of really inappropriate messages and you’ve had to block him. Send her the messages. Block him.

Either it’s a helpful concern, or it’s a double whammy insult for him: you don’t fancy him, and you think he is ancient and doddery and demented.

This.

OP shouldn’t be keeping this a secret from her friend.

The perv should be called out. OP has nothing to be ashamed of - it’s his shame and should be acknowledged as such.

When you are middle-aged and you've known your friend's dad since you were a child, yes that generation above you does seem elderly. He's grandad age.

I wouldn’t involve your friend. It’ll just make things more awkward. It’s not her fault. She doesn’t need to be involved. I’d go with that direct message, if you went with your original message about it being inappropriate, he could read that as you’re interested but are hesitant. After sending message I’d block and not think of it again.

I’d reply pointing this out then tell him to stop immediately. Screenshot the messages in case this escalates and he twists things against you

Well that's all very well, but this man has known OP since she was a little girl. Just how young was she when he started finding her attractive? That's what makes this situation even more revolting.

I don't think you should block him yet, I think you should reply firmly and politely and tell him that you are not interested, its inappropriate etc and that you will be blocking him from now on. Then you can continue to be polite at family gatherings while also avoiding him.

Personally I wouldn't tell your friend. It's not really her business and unfair to involve her. She doesn't get to tell her Dad who he can and cannot contact, as I'm sure he equally doesn't get to dictate who she messages. This is between you and him as two adults.

I'd be very cautious about adding anyone on socials. If a friend's parent wants to be able to contact you, ask their reason-if it's something like they want an emergency contact/their child is in a particular situation, like being ill, then just give them your number, of just access to Messenger or something. Not sharing things with anyone who isn't particularly close avoids this type of thing. Many people behave differently online. I'd block/remove him, and anyone else you don't have a real need to have on.

If they’ve got their free OAP bus pass in London… then they’re hardly spring chickens.