How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

Have her with you at Christmas then

I don't think expecting women to take on more work hosting people we don't like is great for our mental health.

If we're totally inventing suicide risks for parties in this scenario, the girlfriend also has a responsibility for OPs and therefore shouldn't be trying to freeload and emotionally blackmail. She ought to respect that OP is protecting herself and her mental health.

Have I missed something? I don’t think the OP‘s father was this woman’s husband. Just a partner, and they didn’t even live together.

ETA. I meant to quote one of @Abackupplan‘s posts.

I see this thread made FB…

What do your aunt say to her when she said she expected to be invited to yours for Christmas?

What about the OP's OWN mental health? She's put up with someone she doesn't like for years in order to make her father happy - something none of her siblings have done. Now she's grieving for that father. Why is she expected to put her own grief aside to support someone who means nothing to her?

I keep reading a lot about what this woman might want. What about what OP wants?

So now I'm responsible for EVERYONE'S mental health? 🙄
If that's your attitude, DM the OP for her dead dads girlfriends address and invite her to your house for Xmas

Not even a partner, just an on-off boyfriend from the latest updates.

I didn’t say YOU are responsible for EVERYONE’S mental health. I won’t be DMing anyone, thanks. I feel like I’m talking to a 13 year old.

My reply was purely about that poster’s view, however, I do think think a bereaved and lonely woman is a worse scenario than a woman who doesn’t want her there. Either way I wasn’t suggesting she should do anything or disregarding her grief or mental health.

My aunt told her that she thought it was unlikely that we would keep up the alternate pattern at Christmas now my dad has died but that we probably hadn’t thought about Christmas yet.

I’ve used partner as that is what my dad referred to her as. Their relationship wasn’t particularly stable but I think he felt too old to call her his girlfriend.

I hope you can see the difference between inviting a complete stranger over and your Dad’s girlfriend. Regardless of that I wasn’t even talking about the original post or suggesting the OP does anything. I haven’t commented on the specific situation, just the viewpoint of another poster.

Complete strangers haven't usually mithered you for money or guilt tripped you when they know you've just been bereaved. So that's one quite big difference.

however, I do think think a bereaved and lonely woman is a worse scenario than a woman who doesn’t want her there.

So OP never has the christmas she wants but must have this woman she dislikes because emotional top trumps? The OP is bereaved too. So sick of people expecting women to be default support animals for every single person who expects it.

Do people seriously think the OP is now responsible for this woman's grief and loneliness simply because her dad - who presumably she is herself grieving - dated her?

And why should the grieving daughter have a woman she dislikes in her home?
I didn't like my dad's "friend" because she was a nasty stuck up gold digging loud obnoxious bitch. She was that bad even her own children were low contact with her, she didn't even have their addresses. We are allowed to not like people.

With regards to my dad’s partner thinking she should come to Christmas on my mums year, that’s because when my dad was single, both my mum and dad used to come to us every year. My mum probably would have been open to the idea of my dads new partner coming along as well as my mum is very laid back, but by the time the first Christmas came around, my dads partner had already upset me and my siblings a few times so my mum didn’t want to meet her. We agreed alternate years for as long as my dad was with his partner. His partner kicked up a fuss about it, said we were too sensitive and that my dad (and her) shouldn’t miss out on his normal Christmas with family because of that. We said our dad was still welcome for Christmas every year but not with her as we weren’t risking the day being spoiled. Within weeks of that first Christmas my brother and sister cut her out of their lives, and our dad.

I am very sorry to hear what happened between your siblings and your dad.

@OnlyPocketChange

I agree with your decision.

I think something that other posters aren't 'getting' is that it isn't a simple case of "I just don't like her, so there!!!". It's obvious that there have been things she has said and done that have caused you to dislike her and your siblings to go NC. I'm not asking you to detail them, it's none of our business. Suffice it to say, she has most likely brought this on herself.

If she had been friendly and kind to you and your sibs, chances are you'd be happy to have her. But she wasn't, so you are justified in not having her in your home. And if she hasn't anywhere else to go, perhaps she needs to look in her mirror.

I don’t feel responsible for her mental health. She isn’t a nice person. I find posters mentioning her mental health and suicide very manipulative. Her behaviour has affected my sister most out of all of us and she hasn’t shown any concern for my sister’s mental health.

Some posters have presumed that she is this nice person who has been wronged by us which is just not true.

No, I didn’t say that. I’m replying to
specific comments/views and not to the original post. I think everyone is responsible - to some degree - for the mental health of those around them. That doesn’t mean the OP is responsible for her Dad’s girlfriend’s mental health. Comparing the two scenarios I think one is worse than the other with the little information I have. Being lonely at Christmas is worse in my mind but I don’t know enough about the OP or the girlfriend. My comment was general as a reply to
what someone said to me. I also don’t expect anything of women specifically. I don’t think one gender has more responsibility for Christmas plans or caring for others.

I’ve said over and over that wasn’t about you or your situation. If you’re going to mention my comments, I would appreciate it if you read them properly.

Thank you. I could list all the horrible things she has done but I’m not interested in getting a forum of people to say how terrible she is. I already know she is. Me and my siblings get on with most people. My dad had other girlfriends/partners that we got along with well. My mum has had partners that we had got along with. This woman just isn’t very nice. Losing her partner doesn’t suddenly make her a nice person who is deserving of having us in her life and doesn’t mean we have to have her for Christmas. Some people seem to think that because someone is grieving, you have to forget past bad behaviour. I don’t believe that. Also, we are grieving too.

If she had been kind, I’m sure we would have been desperate to keep her in our lives as she would be another link to our dad, someone who could tell us things/stories we didn’t know about him as she spent time with him. She hasn’t been kind though so we don’t want her in our lives.