How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

But your grandmother will always be your grandmother. You have a direct connection. What we're talking about her is the OP's late father's partner - someone she was only connected to through someone else, who sadly isn't here anymore. OP put up with her to support her father. Why would she continue to do so now?

And presumably she had a way of supporting herself before she met OP's father.

Maybe it shows the relationship wasn't that great? Which is even more reason for the OP to not continue seeing her.

None of this explains why OP should be the one expected to rescue her.

She wanted to come every year and thought she should be invited on my mums year.

was your dad invited to your mum’s then?

Nope - OP hosts every year, her dad and mum alternated.

And they invited their exes over every year?

errr, no.

OP hosted her mum and siblings one year, and her dad and GF the next year. No one hosted their ex.

So why would this woman want to leave her husband to go and spend Christmas with his ex??

the Op said she’s wanted to be invited In past years when her mum has been hosting!!

No, OP's mum was never the host. OP was the host.

I assume the GF thought that she and OP's dad should be invited every year alongside mum as part of one big happy family type nonsense.

I don't know why she thought that. Perhaps she was on glue.

I think you are being kind, given the circumstances. You don't have so many people dislike you for no reason. I assume she has her own family who she is no longer in touch with? In the end you reap what you sow, and I think you put it in the kindest possible way.

Read the Op posts

this woman even wanted to be invited when it was her mum’s year. So whether at the mum’s or the Op’s…. Why didn’t she want to spend it with her husband??

*She wanted to come every year and thought she should be invited on my mums year. +

why would she want this in past years when her husband was alive unless her husband had been invited and she had not been

I have read the OP's posts, it is you who is struggling, as you have been banging on about OP's mum being the host.

By "her mum's year" OP meant the (alternate) years in which her mum and siblings were coming to her house. This is very clear from her very first post.

"For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us"

I am making the assumption that the GF considered both she and OP's dad should be invited to OP's every year, regardless of OP's mum and other family being there.

You are the person who has invented the strawman of the GF expecting to be invited without the dad. I have not said that.

Have a good evening.

" I would be making my dad unhappy."

OK - and?

The Op says this woman has wanted to be invited on years that she has hosted her mum rather than her dad.

Why? Unless her husband had been invited and she hadn’t?

it’s not hard

The Op says this woman has wanted to be invited on years that her mum has hosted.

Where does OP say that her mum has hosted?

Again, I point you to this second sentence in the very first post

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us"

And I have no idea why the GF would ask for an invite every year to OP's house, other than she seems pretty entitled.

It is not hard, for me. It seems to be hard for you, though.

ETA oh look at that, you edited your post, without adding an ETA.

@SheilaFentiman you think the dad’s wife wanted both her and him to be invited on the years OP was hosting her mum? Wow… that would take it to another level

@OnlyPocketChange did she want to join on the years you hosted your mum? Presumably you didn’t invite your dad and not her?!

Presumably you didn’t invite your dad and not her?!

Don't think so, cos OP said on one year mum and family came and on the other year dad and partner came.

you think the dad’s wife wanted both her and him to be invited on the years OP was hosting her mum? Wow… that would take it to another level

Honestly, I think it would be less weird (though still entitled!) for someone to expect both parents and any new partners to be invited, vs an unrelated partner expecting to be invited when their "associated parent" was not invited. That's why I assumed that's what OP meant by the GF expecting an invite every year.

ETA anyway, OP has resolved the situation, which is good, so I don't think there's much more to be said :)

A lesson here for those women getting together with someone who has a family and be aware how meanly you will be treated after the partner has died.
In other cultures for thousands of years the most important aspect is to welcome into the home the stranger and those in need to offer kindness food and hospitality.
Clearly not with MNers who do not hold with these values.
Remember what goes around comes around.

Nothing about kindness for people who've just lost a parent, obviously.

That’s a miserable view. Generally speaking, people’s mental health is everyone’s responsibility. Honestly we won’t help to prevent suicides with that attitude.

I'm pretty sure that wariness on the part of adult children towards their father's new wife or girlfriend is fairly culturally universal throughout the ages!

Hospitality towards travelling strangers is a rather different tradition!

It’s her first Christmas without the man she loved, and she probably wants to share it with those who also loved him.

To get money