How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

Doesn't sound like your Dad liked her much either

Sympathies OP; i think telling her straight when the subject comes up is the best option. I dread my step dad outliving my mum. They have been together over 20yrs but its been 20yrs of strife because he's so shitty to her and aggressive in general but she wont leave him. But then he's very hurt and kicked puppy if we hint we dont want to be around him for this reason. He has his own kids but they barely speak and he leans on us. I dont hate the guy but would not want any relationship after my mum is gone, i simply would not choose to spend time with him.

Eh? Whether or not you leave someone money in your will, particularly when you have children/grandchildren and you don’t cohabit with them, is not an indication of “not liking them much”

That’s not what OP said - the GF wanted to be asked to OP’s for Xmas every year (presumably along with OP’s dad) even on the alternate years when OP’s mum was there.

How long were they together?

It sounds quite a few years if you used to Do alternative Years

They may have not lived together and being married so technically not widows but she has lost probably the love of her life

For whatever reason you don’t get on and that’s fair enough

So say similar to someone else said of now that your dad isn’t here you’ll be celebrating Christmas definitely and you’re not sure what your plans are like to give her a heads up so she can make her own arrangement to see friends

I’m sorry that you’ve lost your dad, but she has also lost someone that she loved very much

OP I get it. I had a bit of a similar situation.

My dad had a partner, after my mum died, for 30 years. I didn't have a Christmas issue because my dad and her chose to prioritise her family over his. I didn't spend Christmas with my dad for 30 years, only after she died a few years ago. I didn't like her or her DC, because of the way she treated us.

Despite the closeness of my Dad and her suggested above, they didn't live together, share finances or leave anything to each other in their wills. It was a partner relationship very much based on companionship.

When she died I was a bit relieved that I didn't have to put up with her and her DC any more (I know, that sounds really bad). However, her DC have continued to try and draw me into family politics WRT my dad. I actually fell out with him recently and told him that if I was going to get it in the neck from her family all the time, when she was no longer here, then I was stepping away.

My point is, your Dad has gone, and that is very sad. However the by product of this is that you should no longer have to deal with his GF who you don't like.

Nip it in the bud now.

Honestly i would send one of the messages previously suggested and not give it another thought. You don't like her, owe her nothing, and sounds like shes trying to make a grab for money she isnt entitled to.

They were together for about 8 years but their relationship was on/off, possibly open and I would call it unstable. That was their business and I didn’t ask too much but knew enough. I would not say that he was the love of her life but it seemed to be an arrangement that suited them both for different reasons.

My dad was only 60 when he died and she is only 51. She not this elderly, destitute, woman who has been left with nothing from the ‘love of her life’. People like making things up.

Anyway, I’ve sent the message and she told me that I would be making my dad unhappy. That’s not true, but even if it was, I couldn’t live my life making others happy at the expense of my own happiness. She’s only interested in money which my dad used to joke about but I think he knew it was true deep down.

The fact she is using your dead father to emotionally manipulate you, proves you're making the right choice.
You've let her know, block her and move on with your life and enjoy Christmas with those you love

Anyway, I’ve sent the message and she told me that I would be making my dad unhappy. That’s not true, but even if it was, I couldn’t live my life making others happy at the expense of my own happiness.

I think sending the message and drawing the line was best thing for everyone.

It doesn't sound like you had a independent relatonship with her - she was just your Dad's GF and there is no reason to say in contact especially with someone trying emotional manipulation on you.

Sounds like the matter is settled then.

Glad you have drawn a line, OP.

At least you've drawn the line in the sand and she knows where she stands now, which was the best thing you could do

As the saying goes, OP, don’t set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm.

Well done OP, I'd probably block her at this point too and tell your aunt that you don't want to hear anything about her

Well, if you ever needed proof that you made the right decision she just gave it to you on a silver platter.

She just made it very easy for you to have nothing to do with her from this point onwards.

Enjoy your Christmas @OnlyPocketChange

Well firstly I’m so very sorry you lost your dad at just 60. I am just a year behind that.
Despite the instability in this relationship your dad was clearly astute in terms of protecting his home and inheritance.
At 51 she has 16 years of working life left. I hate to say it but she will most likely have another man by Christmas anyway.
As for the comment about your dad being unhappy that’s a low blow. How dare she. She’s probably pissed off she didn’t get any money and the fact that she’s asked you for some is awful.
Your work here is done.
Honour your dad’s memory by cherishing your own family and your mum.

Agree

I wouldn't write ti tell her she is not coming, I would just assume she is not, when she contacts you say that you assumed she would be spending the holidays with her own friends and family. your aunt is obviously more friendly with your dad's partner and is being used as a stalking horse- refuse to be pulled into this, no one can expect to spend Christmas with people that are not their family, without an invitation.

Block her. You've done the right thing.

Gosh, she is younger than me and the same age as some of my friends who are single, and kicking up their heels dating and going to Ibiza. She has 16 more years to work, as someone just mentioned, and plenty of life left to live. She is only middle age, not elderly. She has plenty of time on her hands now to go find new friends, hobbies and a partner.

OK, so you have told her. She has come back with emotional blackmail. Don't fold. I would actually message her back and say, "That was a low blow about my dad, and I won't give in to emotional blackmail. My dad is no longer here, so there is no reason for us to keep in touch. I wish you well, regards XXX". Then block her.

I still see things differently from you. She is grieving the man she loved but I understand your point of view and no need to keep in contact

you have told her now , so she knows

she is still young and least she has her own home and isn’t homeless

OMG she's very manipulative isn't she! I'm glad that you haven't been swayed by her attempts at emotional blackmail. She certainly wouldn't be someone that I would want in my life.