Why are some women just not maternal?

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Just pondering really. I’ve always known I wouldn’t have kids just as I’ve known that I wouldn’t climb Mount Everest. It wasn’t really a decision and I’ve given it almost no thought.

Yet my sister has always wanted to be a mother and is a fantastic one. I absolutely adore my nieces and spending time with them, but it doesn’t make me remotely broody at all.

I know this is purely anecdotal, but she loved her dolls and prams when we were kids. I never played with dolls.

It is something evolutionary? Or something biological? Why is that feeling to reproduce just not turned on for some women?

Haha, not my Barbies, but some of my other dolls I cut their hair off, pulled their heads off, and threw them behind the sofa 🤣

We had Sindys, but mostly what they did was capture my best friend's younger brother's Action Man, take all his clothes off, and drive off under the bed in his jeep. And I actually ripped my sister's Tiny Tears limb from limb, which my sister says was her major childhood trauma.

(I do have a child, but it was very much on a last-minute 'It might be interesting, and if it isn't, I still think we'll do a decent job of raising a child' whim aged 40.)

Also, here's a weird thing. Not only do I have no urge whatsoever to have children I feel a bit jealous of people that do?? How weird is that. Like nearly everyone but me is experiencing this intense and all consuming love and have their little family - and I'm like... Why don't I want that?

I would literally die for my dog but I don't know if that's some sort of weird maternal-adjacent feeling that got lost or displaced somehow. You don't "raise" pets (though you do train them). I think maybe it's a sort of protectiveness instead, like he's this charming, helpless idiot who needs my protection. Making him happy makes me happy.

"Let's give it a go" was a quick recap of the position I'd spelled out in my previous posts - how it's more careful decision-making, weighing up pros and cons, while accepting you can never truly know the impact until they're here, and erring on the side of 'my life will probably be better if I try it than if I don't' - not a complete position in and of itself.

I didn't realise I needed to type that out every time I mentioned it rather than simply refer back to the first time I'd discussed it. But that's what I meant.

What I don't understand is whether or not you think the choice to have kids only ever comes from a 'biological urge' or 'feeling to reproduce' because you haven't had that, or whether you recognise that the choice to have kids can be driven by different things in different people.

Plenty of people have said they didn't feel driven to reproduce but chose to do so because they weighed up expectations for their lives, their current positions, partner, finances, mental health, family upbringing, career, experiences etc, like many other big life decisions where you can't know the outcome.

Like nearly everyone but me is experiencing this intense and all consuming love and have their little family - and I'm like... Why don't I want that

@HangingOver

It may seem like that and it would be wonderful if it was the case tbh as maybe children would be better treated in this society and suffer less abuse, but the truth is many parents are ambivalent at best towards their kids.

We see that all the time on MN even in how parents treat their kids, often putting new partners ahead of their child’s best interests or just quite detached from their kids. I witnessed it as an educator working in social services and even mainstream schools too.

And then look at how many parents - mainly men tbf - who just walk out on their kids and at best see them every other weekend.

As well as the parents who are good on paper, and are ticking all the boxes but are now increasingly admitting that they just don’t feel like that towards the children. And in some cases they even regret kids.

So no, I don’t think nearly everyone is experiencing this “all consuming love”

I never really liked other people's kids and I'm not a natural with them, I wouldn't say I'm maternal in that sense. I love having my own though and really enjoy motherhood, to the point I've changed my career to fit around seeing more of them - I'd never have thought that of myself based on how I was growing up etc.
I think people change, preferences change and people are all different so you just don't know really.

It wasn’t sold to me it was an innate feeling. But that’s passed since I’m getting closer to menopause.

I imagine some women always feel as I do now. And I can understand how there’s no desire to have dc if that’s the case.

I was the same as you as a child never played with dolls, wasn't interested in them at all. I genuinely preferred typical boys toys, I used to swap barbie and sindy dolls with my neighbour for his cars. I was never maternal and couldn't be doing with children and wasn't interested in having any. I don't know what happened but something switched inside of me when I got older and met my husband and I desperately wanted children. I find it an interesting question, I do think some people are more maternal than others, I'm great with my own children, but I'm not fussed about other people's children.

As someone who was childfree till I was 40, I think that for me, there was something enviable about people who really, genuinely wanted something that society approved of them wanting, and in fact expected them to want. Whose life desires genuinely followed a sanctioned path, who didn't have to invent their own lifepaths from scratch.

I felt exactly the same way when I went to the wedding of an old university friend when I'd moved abroad to study and was having a difficult time for various reasons -- she was someone who suited the life she was given. She was marrying her childhood sweetheart, had, having had a very happy childhood, bought her childhood home when her parents downsized, was teaching in her own former school, and was preparing, very happily, to live a smalltown life that totally suited her. What she wanted was exactly what life had given her, whereas I was in the middle of struggle and self-reinvention.

I'm exactly the same as you OP.
I have never been maternal and just like you never gave having children much thought. It simply didn't interest me and wasn't on my radar.
I'm mid 40's now and I don't regret not having children.
It is a question I have also pondered though as my siblings have children.

Yes, similar here. In my late 40s, married, no children. We tried for a while, and it didn't happen, but I don't feel particularly sad about it. We have built a life together.

We both adore our pets, and take a lot of time and effort in looking after them. I feel broody when I see puppies or kitten, but have never, once, in my entire life, looked at a baby and thought "I want one of those".

Siblings have children, and my parents were, and are, deeply loving and supportive. My sibling talked about the desire to pass on genes, but I've never thought my genes are that important?

This isn't true at all. One of my siblings doesn't want children and we had the same loving upbringing and they are still close to our parents. Similarly I've a number of friends who have chosen to not have children and are still very close to their parents.

There will be numerous reasons why people don't want children. It's never something I've thought if to be honest.

I think having an unhappy upbringing can certainly, for some people, contribute to not wanting children. Certainly in my own family, my four siblings are childfree by choice (whereas I had one child aged 40), and it wasn't a great upbringing -- my parents hadn't a clue how to parent, and didn't appear to enjoy it at all.

how about sexual attraction as an analogy rather than candles or maths then?

In terms of biological urges, you might assume that the urge to reproduce would override sexual attraction. Whereas (again, this is a very modern change as for the vast majority of human history women couldn't have babies without having sex with a man), if you look at lesbians or gay men the two seem to be completely separated - some want children and some don't, exactly the same as straight people. Gay men are particularly interesting - they have the option to donate to a sperm bank, with all of the advantages and none of the disadvantages of traditional procreation - if the biological urge to reproduce was so strong you'd assume they'd all do so, but (as far as I'm aware!) this isn't the case!

There are also asexual people who just don't feel any sexual attraction or urge to have sex at all. To some extent it's pointless interrogating why that might be, and just accept it, in the same way as some women don't want children - they just don't.

I don't know enough about animals to say definitively whether the urge to reproduce is innate to all lifeforms - the little I do know is that some animals essentially have little input into mating - the male wants to mate and is strong enough to subdue the female. Who is to say that actually the urge to reproduce is universal? If a lionness had the capacity to choose who is to say they would all want to?

I had a very happy childhood but no children. We don't all want to recreate what we had

No, hard disagree, I grew up in a very loving and caring home with lots of siblings and we all get on really well and I adored my younger siblings when we were kids yet I’m not remotely maternal, had an unplanned pregnancy, and she is my world but I never had the inclination to have more.
People incorrect assume that I had one child due to trauma, resentment etc of coming from a large family but that is not the case at all, I’m just not particularly maternal even though I like kids and babies.

I’m exactly the same. I only ever held my nephew once when he was a baby, and I was very relieved when his mum took him back. I didn’t have a clue what to do & was petrified of accidentally hurting him. Which seems somewhat strange when I see him now as he is 6’3 & plays rugby…

Interesting question. I always wanted children and my ovaries nearly exploded after my sister had her first child in my late twenties. I still adore her children even though I have my own now. I definitely feel what I can only explain as a hormonal pull to want more children even though I have firmly decided not to have any more in my head. What causes that to happen I have no idea.

Interesting question OP. I was always ambivalent about having children - it wasn’t a dislike, just more a feeling of ‘meh’. I’ve got two friends who struggled to conceive and both describe the intense painful need to have a baby and for a time, I wondered if I was a bit of a weirdo to not have that.

I am still quite maternal though - I’ve taken on a type of maternal role toward an elderly relative and I love my nieces and nephews. If there is a biological imperative to desperately want a child, then I didn’t get one.

I'm not sure I agree with all this "it's just what you did 100 years ago" stuff.

I was very close to my great granny (a centurion), growing up, and she always chatted to me about the past. Her mum was a Victorian and she came from a big family with lots of siblings (8-10 in total, some died in early adulthood, some died in infancy). Her and her sisters all decided to have far less children - she had one, her older sister had zero, the others had one or two.

I have no idea what she did for contraception, but she was married (presumably had a sex life) and never had more than one child because she didn't want more! So they must have had some form of contraception over 100 years ago...

To add to my comment, I think they had condoms even in Ancient Egypt...

Hasn’t it been kind of proven that humans adapt to their environment.
So for example immigrants born into a different society/country from the one in which their parents were, are more likely to follow the social norms of that country. This includes how many children they have. For example an Asian couple living in the uk who get married in 2026 are not as likely to have as many children as their parents did.
If you live and work amongst people who only have one child, then you are more likely to follow suit.
If you live in a deprived area where it is common for men to father lots of children and have them young, then you are more likely to do the same.
This negates the biological/maternal instinct theory. As otherwise we would see the same patterns in say a middle class professional couple as we would in an unemployed non working family and we don’t.
I think there is a drive to have sex but that now doesn’t mean we have children. Pregnancy can be prevented.

The other point which has already been made, is that you can’t try before you buy!
You can test drive a car, even buy it then realise that you don’t want it, and get rid of it. The same with a house. Or clothes, even a career path. A child is obviously different. Lots of people think well why not? Plenty really shouldn’t have but there is no turning back.

Withdrawal was also common and in some cases abstinence.